### Dreams 🧫 1. I dreamt that Ralph confessed to me about liking me and that he regrets not saying it back then. I forgot his particular wording (ugh) but there was this meaning still, that he was talking about some stuff linking to the past and present and I was reacting with a poker face to pretend to be nonchalant about it. I don’t remember my own reaction but I think I didn’t react positively outwardly. Then I saw Ma’am Sharon Ramirez something (dead for several years now) and Karen Cabasa exercising. I was focusing on their mouths. 1. **Sharon** is a traditionally feminine given name of Hebrew origin, primarily meaning "**a fertile plain**" or "a flat area of land". [[1](https://www.thebump.com/b/sharon-baby-name), [2](https://www.ancestry.com/first-name-meaning/sharron)] 2. The surname **Ramirez** is a patronymic name of Spanish origin, translating to **"son of Ramiro"**. The given name Ramiro itself is derived from Old Germanic elements (_ragin_, meaning "counsel" or "advice," and _mari_ or _meri_, meaning "famous"), broadly translating to "famous counselor" or "wise protector". [[1](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ram%C3%ADrez_\(surname\)), [2](https://www.thoughtco.com/ramirez-last-name-meaning-and-origin-1422594), [3](https://www.thebump.com/b/ramirez-baby-name)] 3. The name **Karen** has a dual meaning today: traditionally, it is a classic feminine given name of Scandinavian and Greek origin meaning **"pure"**. In contemporary slang, it has also evolved into a well-known pejorative term used to describe a middle-aged, entitled, or demanding individual who frequently asks to speak to the manager. [[1](https://www.thebump.com/b/karen-baby-name), [2](https://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/karen/), [3](https://en.amazingtalker.com/questions/1832)]**1. Traditional Meaning and Origin** • **Meaning:** "Pure," "chaste," or "clear". • **Origin:** It originated as a Danish diminutive (short form) of the Greek name Katherine (or Aikaterine). • **Other Cultural Contexts:** In Armenia and Iran, Karen is used as a masculine name. In Japanese, it can be a feminine name combining characters for "flower" and "lotus" 4. **Catalan (Spain):** Derived from the word _cabassa_, meaning "basket". Historically, this was a metonymic occupational name, likely given to a basket maker or someone who used baskets in their trade. [[1](https://www.ancestry.com/last-name-meaning/cabassa), [2](https://en.geneanet.org/surnames/CABASSA), [3](https://www.ancestry.ca/last-name-meaning/Cabassa?srsltid=AfmBOopiPbukay2N8FWzoCRpsqnLtmwsci7ytPtpo96ld3byhJ7dNlpa)] 5. Interpretations: related to Sydney? Meadow. And that I should probably exercise more to get rid of my anxiety because I am a basket case. Okay, God. And that Sydney as Ma’am Sharon is like my coach or something while I work on my writing/thesis. Or that I really read the book Mapping New Stars. 1. A **basket case** is an informal, often derogatory idiom used to describe **someone who is extremely anxious, nervous, or emotionally overwhelmed, to the point of being entirely dysfunctional or unable to cope**. It can also describe a hopelessly run-down or failing business, economy, or system. [[1](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/basket%20case), [2](https://dictionary.langeek.co/en/word/212250?entry=basket%20case)] 2. I also had a dream about Shekinah camping though I forgot most about it. Something involving clothing like dasters. I think it’s because I saw a child wearing a daster yesterday that looked like choir attire. 3. I just had a dream about being in a car with my dad and Jiah Santos. I forgot what about. Then there was this really narrow road where our car was supposed to pass through but there was another car going the opposite direction so we were stuck. I don’t remember what happened after. We were also stuck on an apartment floor that had an overlooking floor underneath it where I could see the great height because the stairs lacked some reinforcements and I was scared we were going to go through the holes in the stairs with Am-am in a great big accident. Then I dreamt that I was stuck with a blood bag because I was recovering from something and this man I barely recognized with an old lady artist/mentor who was supposed to illustrate his book were watching me. Then I bled blue blood right as they were discussing the gods in the story being born in the 2010s and being called Bayani. I was Katniss in this dream and I distinctly remember the discomfort of being tied to a blood bag for sustenance but the red blood was dangerous now because now I had blue blood. Then I woke up. 1. The name **Jiah** (often spelled **Ji-ah** or **Jiya**) is a beautiful, multicultural name that carries **lovely meanings across several distinct origins**. [[1](https://www.patpat.com/blogs/baby-names/jiah?srsltid=AfmBOoq32Lr68Dm6fEHeD0h9vVxTiPo3-NRcZmleF_Q2GjO0sJla_C8U)] 1. **Korean:** In Korea, it is most commonly a feminine name made up of the Sino-Korean characters _Ji_ (meaning "wisdom" or "intellect") and _Ah_ (meaning "beautiful" or "graceful"). 2. **Sanskrit / South Asian:** Derived from the Sanskrit origin name _Jiya_, it signifies "life," "heart," or "spirit". 3. **Arabic:** In some Islamic naming traditions, it is associated with concepts meaning "living" or "light". [[1](https://www.babycenter.com/baby-names/details/jiah-174165), [2](https://www.thebump.com/b/ji-ah-baby-name), [3](https://kiindred.co/baby-name/jiah-f/), [4](https://www.names.org/n/jiyah/about), [5](https://www.thebump.com/b/jiya-baby-name)] 2. Interpretations: so I know I’m going in the right direction because I clicked on Victoria Trumbull’s video yesterday and she mentioned apotheosis which means the elevation of a subject to god-like status. Blue blood. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. I really want to get my hair rebonded. I really regret perming my hair before rebonding it. 2. Silly me, why would I ask God for views on [gailyap.blog](http://gailyap.blog) when it isn’t even finished yet and it’s terribly devoid of anything real yet. Sorry, God. I was just too lonely in this endeavor. 3. Lord, I know this is somewhat of a big ask, but please, I want to get past my March 9 trauma as if the fear never happened. Is that possible? Will I forever look over my shoulder just because I took Wellbutrin for a month and which really messed with my dopamine? I have to reassure myself that it’s a chemical thing that will never happen again as long as I stay clean, right? Lord, help Your servant be at peace, God, for what has had to happen to make me who I am today. In ISA’s name, amen. 4. Whenever I don’t use my brain for a while, I get a little anxious, God. Like for now, I know I haven’t really done much this week to really exercise my brain and I think Vico also feels this anxiety with AI everywhere, and him probably using his brain less, that’s why he’s followed that brain account on IG. 5. Lord, there’s so much uncertainty regarding my dreams right now because I don’t really remember them too well enough. Please give me a breakthrough moment where dreams actually have some signal or something that even atheists can concede is amazing. The fact that I dreamt in Latin is one of them. I hope to get more dreams like that, God. Knowledge I wouldn’t otherwise have if it weren’t for the collective unconscious. And I’m really indebted to Carl Jung. I need to formalize a lot of things before people believe me. 6. Whenever I feel some rational fear about things being too neat, it’s only because it faintly reminds me of losing control over my own life. Lord, help me not deform your providence and control over things as something that’s abusive. I know what happened to me on March 9 was necessary, but my fears regarding losing control seem to stay a while even past their due. Is this really grace? Lord, your mercies are too great to fathom. I could have seriously hurt my sister, but You didn’t allow it at all, for me to touch a hair of her. Lord, please help me keep this in mind. Please let Your total control over my life hurt less and help me be less afraid of Your total power to drive my life. That song, to make you take the wheel, really drives it home. On my own I am never going to end up in the right way, the right road, but with you driving my life, I will always be safe and loved. Lord, help me, in ISA’s name, amen. 7. Lord, help me respond adequately to Phylicia. I don’t really know what to say to her now. Maybe refer to her work on sex. That’s how I engage with her work. Sexuality. 8. Lord, how am I ever going to convince the world that it was Norr Weston who started to talk to me about Jesus? His sister? When he had no documented sisters? How am I ever going to convince the world that You sent me a really strong Meaning I’ve had to digest through pop culture like Abraham’s Daughter song? I’m only as powerful as the number of people I’m able to convince. What would it take for them to believe in me? Lord, I hope it’s not too much of a slog for me to try to convince them that there exists Chosen Ones and that I’m the physical embodiment of Jesus’ sister. Please, God. Make this easier for me. I cannot take the pride of some people, it wilts me to discover that some of them are resistant because they are incapable of opening up their minds and hearts to my word, the seriousness of my witness, and the seriousness of Your visions You gave me through that booming dream. I’ve never had anything like it since. I was scared, of course, but please, God, don’t give me more than I can handle. In ISA’s name, amen. 9. God is really looking out for me. I just on a whim decided to watch Voicemails to Isabelle with my mom and I was gobsmacked at Wes saying Jill made him feel brave. I know it’s not that huge a sign to some people but this story really speaks to me on so many levels and it just floors me with that zinger. We have the same ugly toes, though she has cleavage, she knows how to cook, she gets cold easily like me, and her biggest problem is that the guy knows too much about her because he unknowingly listened to her voicemails to her dead sister—say what now? So many resonances in one film for me and I can tell it’s not really an accident that I was led to watch this film, and she’s basically unfiltered like me but I’m only like this on paper and I have no idea how to cook. I don’t actually know how to be a person at all, so this movie is just torture too because this only happens to girls in movies whose flaws are magically what make the guy fall in love with them because their flaws are charming somehow, while my flaws are actual liabilities. Speaking of liability, while I thank You God for giving me this film—complete with the “Daddy’s Home” audio that I keep hearing on Instagram posts and TikToks about Vico LMAO and also some healing from my Jeffrey trauma—I really have no or really poor memory for a lot of my thoughts and ruminations. I can’t keep all of them inside my head. The moment I type them out they disappear from my brain. Why is that, God? I really need to backread. I need Your help with this because it’s become such a problem lately. In ISA’s name, amen. 10. My dad just told me about Bond movies when he was a child and how they used to be humorous because they had this wild tech that nobody could believe. If I didn’t write this down I wouldn’t remember this specific conversation with my dad—him really passing on his memories to me. Precious memories. So there! Don’t say I never tried. I try to collect everything but I never remember them on my own. God help me develop this because I will be a husk of a person if I always need reminders and guides. Again, in ISA’s name, amen. 11. I can only dream at this point. Dreams are all I have at this point. While I’m satisfied for today there’s always the threat of work tomorrow. Work piling up. Sorry, God, my brain is not braining sometimes. I wish I had a better brain that always knew what to do, what to say, how to be clever and charming, and unfortunately your movie today made me look at myself harshly. I’m so boring it’s not even funny. I could be a robot. I could sound interesting on paper but if I don’t try at all—read: it doesn’t come automatically to me—I’m so autistic and weird and unappetizing to digest. I wish I was even a little bit charming. I’m not kidding. Why do I want so badly to be desirable? I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t infatuated with him. At this point, it’s not true love because he doesn’t reciprocate and doesn’t even know who I am. It’ll be around 200 days until he even catches wind of me, that is, if I win, and I want so badly to win, God. So much is riding on my win. What am I supposed to do if You don’t grant it due to something I failed to do? Lord, I really hope not. I don’t want to be the weakest link here. But the pressure makes me cave and makes me avoid real work now. It’s become such a problem that everything feels heavy, the thought of working is too heavy. Please help me lighten the load by giving me dreams, perhaps, or IRL reactions from people who’ve read it, that they believe I’ll win, or that I’ll actually win. I’m just so empty and discouraged right now, like Elijah. I wish You could command Your angels and accoiyo and batany to not send me weird creepy dreams. And instead send me ministering dreams, perhaps. Lord, I’m so desperate for validation and You know it. Lord, please help me be patient, most of all. All I can do right now is count the days and it’s so miserable. Help me enjoy the journey, like today (thanks for that movie, btw, as it kind of counts as motivation and encouragement even though it’s bittersweet). In ISA’s name, amen. 12. So I managed to work on my thesis today for a chapter and listened to about 40 minutes of a lecture/dialogue with Victoria Trumbull! Progress with work ethic! Although I wish I could go deeper and deeper into deep work, tomorrow, God. Help me wake up early and stay awake. In ISA’s name, amen. 13. May my new normal always be effort from now on, God. I don’t want to slip in my new habits. I should at least get 2 workouts a day. Luckily now that I’ve discovered walking I don’t have to put so much willpower into it. Lord, help me be faithful and regular and at ease with my new routines. I need all the help I can get (thank You for rewarding my effort with a movie earlier). In ISA’s name, amen. 14. OMG I FINALLY KNOW THE NAME OF THAT ACTOR PAIRED WITH ROSANNA ROCES IN MY DREAM. IT’S GARDO VERSOZA!!! All because he commented on Vico’s post a happy birthday!!!