### Dreams 🧫 1. I dreamt that A.D. Balena and I were classmates in a large class and she got her popularity first before I did. And there was a professor who was fond of the Rubik’s cube and showed it to class and I also had one on hand, attempting to solve it. 1. The name Rubik is most famously associated with the Hungarian surname, originating from the diminutive form of the given name "Ruben" or "Rupert." Ruben is of Hebrew origin, meaning "behold, a son," while Rupert is of Germanic origin, meaning "bright fame." As a surname, Rubik likely emerged as a patronymic, indicating "son of Ruben/Rupert." Associated names include Ruben, Reuben, Ruban, Rupert, Ruprecht, and possibly diminutive forms like Ruby. 2. The name **Angel** comes from the Greek word _angelos_, which translates simply to **"messenger"** or **"messenger of God"**. It is a historically unisex given name symbolizing purity, divine protection, and spirituality. [[1](https://www.thebump.com/b/angel-baby-name), [2](https://www.ancestry.com/first-name-meaning/angel), [3](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_\(given_name\)), [4](https://www.parents.com/angel-name-meaning-origin-popularity-8637906), [5](https://www.pampers.com/en-us/pregnancy/baby-names/article/angel-names-for-girls-and-boys)] 3. The name **Beatrice** is of Latin origin and translates to **"blessed,"** **"bringer of joy,"** or **"voyager (through life)."** It combines the uplifting meanings of the Latin words _beatus_ (blessed/happy) and _viatrix_ (traveler). [[1](https://www.thebump.com/b/beatrice-baby-name), [2](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beatrice_\(given_name\)), [3](https://www.babycenter.com.au/babyname/1021227/beatrice)] 4. **Baleña** (and its root _Balena_) is primarily a Spanish and Italian surname. Its literal translation across Latin-derived languages (like Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese) is **"whale"**. [[1](https://www.names.org/n/balena/about), [2](https://dailyitalianwords.com/italian-word-of-the-day-balena-whale/)] 5. Interpretations: so this has something to do with Ruben Zhang, I can tell. Neat detail with giving me a popular toy! Just goes to show that popularity matters in the Logos. What about Ruben Zhang and A.D. Balena? ### Ruminations 🩻 1. Lord, please get rid of my hyperfocus on my lips. It’s burning a lot of my mental energy to keep circling back to my lips all the time. I feel the opposite of relief when I realize first thing in the morning that I’m thinking about them again. In ISA’s name, amen. 2. No better motivation than a preprint being my “previous publication” credit for Berggruen. 3. Lord, please help me write the first preprint paper of my life. It should beat the quality of my CW 200 Thesis Critical Essay. Help me marshal all my cognitive strengths (and improve my weaknesses) so that I may write excellently for Your glory and name. Help me to absorb Victoria Trumbull’s style and imbibe her voice and way of phrasing things to be authoritative. In ISA’s name, amen. 4. Chalk it up to my humility and respect for Jesus, but I see the need for AM in my own hesitation and inability to relate to Jesus at my core. I consider myself just like any other sinner, and Jesus did not sin, so my identity is not the same as ISA, but AM’s. I also consider myself a smaller Jesus at best, never on the same level as Jesus, more like secondary to the whole movement because Jesus completed the work on the cross, but it is only up to me to complete the persuasion part and the glory part. Hopefully according to God’s will. 5. So I’ve decided, my sample paper is the hard problem of consciousness paper. 6. I realize my Sheloah dream yesterday could be about my own children, one being blessed like Janis Ian or double John, one being blessed for being Isa-type, and one being a dainty teacher. 7. Daily almost obligatory post about how annoyed I am by men, and by men, specifically JB who only sees sex like Jeffrey. FUCK I AM SO DISGUSTED BY MEN TODAY. I HATE THEM. I know that’s not all they want, but they’re so annoying still. I must be similarly annoying to them when I present myself as a sexual being but come with actual human emotions. I know JB is a little bit better regarding emotional support but something about being asked to describe my thighs just creeped me out too much. Bleh. 8. Well, God, You definitely didn’t answer me about my physical beauty in the way I wanted because today I looked at my mom’s video of me and I felt so ugly and looked so ugly like I could see my child self looking back at me, same facial structure and all. I truly can’t hide my heritage. So there, I guess You’ve given me more hard motivation to be excellent because where is that money going to come from but my own labor to be beautiful. Tiis ganda indeed. I went and browsed plastic surgery clinics again today. It’s a better problem than my numb lips. 9. Well, the stakes are basically, your only chance to make Vico notice you (that's not the only thing that I want btw, but it's one of the things I want) is to win Berggruen, so you really have to start on hard problem paper tomorrow. He will get taken in 2028. You have only 2027 to make a splash. If you do not win, you will have to make your own audience—something I don’t think God will allow if They really want glory to make a splash on the international scene. Lord, ikaw na gyud bahala God because I really did my best with the creative fiction part. Lord, please, the stakes I realize are so high now. How will they make me win if I don’t have a great hard problem of consciousness previous publication? Please, God, this is my only shot. It’s like 3 Body Problem, a really long thread and very small needles that have to be really precisely threaded. God, this looks impossible to me right now, even while knowing that I have a great creative fiction now, because I know how much clout being a researcher looks to them. It would have been better if I had an MA, but alas. I am not even a BA graduate, so I really have to beef up on what I know about philosophy right now to be able to be insightful in my hard problem paper tomorrow. In ISA’s name, amen. 1. I know it’s just me preparing for a loss, God, but I am somehow preparing for that possibility by giving up Vico slightly. It’s not easy. I would be fine without marriage, I think, though I will be really lonely and alpha-widowed forever. All Your words about Brides and Spirit and the weddings wouldn’t make sense if I wouldn’t win. Why do I have very little faith, God? I am just hedging against that possible despair I will feel that I know intimately, whenever I don’t win a literary contest I entered in the past, there’s always that sting, but I have to be prepared to lose it all when I eventually do not win at all. Does that mean Your plans will come through some other way? Lord, You can do anything, but I would really prefer to win Berggruen this year’s cycle. I cannot afford to lose this one chance, God. Please help me stay faithful and strong and bright for this mission. I need all my brainpower at max (well, not mania) to be able to pull it off spectacularly with a splash. I need to please them correctly in the way they want, in the way they won’t expect, of course, but still, in the way they want to be pleased by groundbreaking ideas in philosophy. If they don’t think I solved it, maybe they would still consider me shortlisted, but that wouldn’t be very much glory would it? I have to solve it for Your sake, God. Please give me Your image of suffering on the cross—but please do not overwhelm me to the point of panic and mania and dissociation—to motivate me to do it most of all for You, all for You, God ISA, all for You deep down, to the deepest corners and edges of my heart, please let it be You I find. My center and my all. Please, God, I cannot do this without You. I really think You will want me to win, but Your rules in this world might not allow it to be so easy for me yet. I find it hard without armodafinil, and it will really take a miracle without it. God, I am so weak, but You have used my weaknesses before to craft the greatest creative story I have ever seen in my life, all without trying too hard—or this is just my memory. Now, what if I truly work hard together with Your magic? Lord, grant me mental energy and physical endurance and intelligence and creativity and powerhouse skillls and prowess to be able to pull it all off. You only deserve the best that my small life can muster. Again, in ISA’s name, amen. 10. Lord, please guide my steps so that I don’t make critical mistakes in the submission of my Berggruen essay, like when I really forgot to enroll for residence last sem. Please, God, I am only human, and I make a lot of stupid mistakes. Please remind me on time so that my submission is foolproof and watertight. In ISA’s name, amen. 11. Just realized that wow, God really delayed my graduation for a reason—so I could put university affiliation as an undergrad still. There was no way I was going to immediately be a Master’s student by the time I submitted in August. And if I’d graduated early in July, I’d have no affiliation anymore. WILD!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!! EVEN ONE OF MY WORST EMBARRASSMENTS GOD USED FOR GOOD!!!! I just need more wisdom God, about including “valedictorian” in my highest degree attained. I just feel it’s going to nudge them into thinking I’m a talented undergrad, and nothing more—not extremely delayed, for one. Please give me wisdom regarding this God, maybe in my dreams, or some other way. I just feel like I need to include it right now, and please tell me if it’s not needed. In ISA’s name, amen. 1. Boy, tell You what God, if a high school “valedictorian” (LMAO) actually impressed them so much, the world of people like Victoria Trumbull and cognoscienti et al. would be so humbled!!! But then again, God uses the humble to strike down the mighty and proud. Like David and Goliath!!!! Like Esther and Xerxes/Haman. Like Moses and Egypt. Like Ruth and Boaz. Like Jesus!!!!! I can feel the momentum, only I hope I’m not the weakest link in this entire shebang. But I like being the weakest link because I have a BIG GOD!!!!! 12. What I did today on a Sunday(!!!): not real work, but work nonetheless. I finished converting my PNGs in Obsidian—maybe more than a hundred more or less to Webp format. That was a doozy still, with impatient me. And then I put actual endnotes on TLS, all 113 of them, whilst planning what essays I’m going to write on gailyap.blog. It seems that God really provided for me again in that my “previous publication” need not be from a peer-reviewed journal, but just from Clarkesworld, again, my Human Studies 401 story, because that’s the closest to social studies. I need not scramble to get published into an MDPI journal, for example, because they’re sketchy, and they’re the fastest I could find, which is 6 weeks, and August 17 is 8 weeks away. So that leaves me no choice at all to publish in a peer-reviewed journal, so my hard problem of consciousness paper can wait a while until September or October because that’s when I feel they’ll really dig into my Obsidian website if they’re curious. And I want them to be curious, God!!!! WHY ARE THEY ALL SEEMINGLY SILENT!!!!!! YOUR GLORY WILL TASTE ALL THE MORE SWEETER WHEN I HARVEST!!!! 13. Excited to talk to saints like St. Carlo. They are, after all, God’s Chosen Ones too. OMG WHAT WILL I SAY. I hope St. Carlo likes me, because we’re kind of kindred spirits now (not when I was younger though, not to the extent that I was as holy as him even though I wanted to please God through piano). 14. One thing’s for sure though, is that my Obsidian essays are going to take all of me. I’m writing a future book based on them so I have to be really prepared to make it modular for the future repurposing. God help me keep my paths straight. 15. I just remembered this East-facing entrance dream with the magic plant lore of my past where I felt a leg and where I saw two cartoon angels. In my dream it was East-facing and I had a terrible feeling that something foreign was invading our bedroom from the outside. Like these dangerous people rolling into our house. There was a huge bump shaped like a person hidden behind the curtain covering the door. 16. With my Berggruen previous publication out of the way, who is to say I can’t try to get my ideas about the hard problem published in an actual journal? 17. Maybe try to get my book published before January win? Because I need the momentum to make me sell? Or wait until Victoria Trumbull publishes her book to see how philosophy books are written for mass culture. 18. If Vico doesn’t contact me or at least try to pursue me in 2028 knowing I like him, then I still have a bright future ahead of me studying philosophy for real. The doors would open much faster for me being unshackled from marriage or children. Lord, I would gladly accept either being married to Vico or the academic-only path, but I would gladly accept both too and near-immortality. I wonder who will try to poach me once I win. I hope it’s not international universities who want me when I want to settle down in the Philippines. 19. So this is how I find out that God will not “take care of everything” for those who deliberately kill innocent babies without remorse. Through @mychristianbro on Instagram saying something about Abraham believing in resurrection before anyone else did. God did not allow him to kill his son. God did not allow me to kill my sister on March 9 in my worst psychotic episode. So that means Jesus’ death on the cross would actually “take care of everything” as in all sins of humanity even the most profane as long as there is genuine remorse and repentance and metanoia, but no more of second chances like social mobility. You can go ahead and kill yourself or die in peace I think, the only people allowed to commit suicide—the natural course of someone genuinely broken about their sins or they might choose to reconstruct the damage instead. Remember to write an essay about this. 20. Lord, let’s get real honest here. You created me with a very subpar body and face. That’s the long and short of it. I have a wild feeling nothing will make Vico look my way over any other newscaster out there. He doesn’t really want an average girl, does he. Maybe artista average, which is not me at all. Sam Sadhwani is artista average. That’s his standard. And I want him to be happy. So I’m kind of giving up for now on Vico because I think other women have a greater shot than me. Unless a literal physical miracle happens by hook or by crook—surgery or actual slow miracle where I learn femininity somehow, complete with ladylike mannerisms, I will not be appealing as a wife or girlfriend to Vico at all. I know You said I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, and I do agree, somehow, but not in the way valued by current beauty standards for now. I feel so discouraged looking at myself earlier in that video. Lord, I’m not going to be desperate for once and ask You to do something about it. For once, I’m just going to accept what happens, will happen to me by that point. It’s all in Your hands anyway. 21. Lord, I pray for the women in Afghanistan right now. I’m sorry for paying less attention to them. They deserve so much more than what they’re currently getting. I cannot quite tell which is causing this evil, ACCOIYO or BATANY. This is one which I’ll have to study in depth once I formalize my essay about Good and Evil. Please comfort the women there and give them peace and hope despite everything. In ISA’s name, amen. 22. I don’t have to ask God why he really made it so that Vico posted that AI scam video like that with the Iron Man sign with “are are all fake.” It aligns too well and synchronously with my April 30 gambit—sending it to Sir Paolo hoping he sent it to Vico. It really simulated for me what it would be like and it happened on May 5. It’s been almost 2 months. 2 weeks left until it’s 2 months, actually. The way it happened didn’t make me manic, I think, I hope. It just simulated very well what would be the most likely scenario for him to really catch wind of my work. Thank God I was able to experience that in virtual reality. It happened in Storyworld for now. I just have to wait about 208 days more. I only have to wait 152 days from August 16 onward. WOWZA.