### All right all right all right!!!! I am going to post my prayers—8 pages of pure desperation. I don’t want some schmuck exposing me anyway and publishing it on my behalf after my death. Here’s the template to…the Answers!!!
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HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
OYPW = Ordering Your Private World, a book
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### “MAKE A WISH, HONEY”—fish in Spongebob
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### !!! THE MISSING/OBSCURED PAGE ON FEBRUARY 14 (the taped-on note I also wrote in the past btw) !!!
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God's response in September
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### Dreams 🧫
No dreams.
### Ruminations 🩻
1. I read (or am in the process of reading) Aella’s piece of polyamory/nonmonogamy on her Substack. I am convinced it’s some kind of Heaven on Earth too. Being poly is a privilege she can enjoy because she doesn’t function with a scarcity mindset and doesn’t feel the visceral unfairness of time spoiling everything—or to be more accurate, that not all people have time to devote to each of their partners, equally and in fair amounts all the time, and one is bound to be prioritized more than the other, whether by habit or appeal or favor through Luck again. Like I said somewhere in the past, you need a lot of money and free time to make polyamory work, and it’s such a luxury that not everybody can afford. I wish it was possible for everybody but truly, we live in a fallen world where not all people are equipped to be as relatively secure as her (that she still experiences envy too is natural, but not to the same extent as those with incel or bullying experiences probably feel, that it is an impossibility that they cannot overlook or look past). I am only balking at her ideology—to the extent that I can still disagree with her—because I think it’s just monogamy with extra steps. The appeal with nonmonogamy seems to be, to her, that her partner still chooses her in the end, after the partner has slept with many people and still chooses to stay with her—that is the epitome of honesty to me—getting to have your cake and eating it too—that their partner can get rid of the animalistic urge to copulate with many while also getting monogamy and commitment from one main person. It’s still like the small “you can look at the menu but you’re coming home with me.” It’s being elevated to that special pedestal only you two can share. One thing I can say though, Aella is a really good writer. She isn’t formally trained but she possesses substance that I would be hard-pressed to find in ordinary “whores.”
1. Even if I am fascinated with the psychology and ideals of polyamory/nonmonogamy, I have a vested interest to discourage it for the time being. It is not only painful for me—I’m an idealist at heart and romantic too, and that I prefer the lie that people ought to have one person for them only, and to not be greedy and be content with one person whether for good or bad—but also, I recognize that for many people, it is unrealistic and such a luxury that cannot be sustained by ordinary lower-middle class people who have more problems than this luxury anxiety that they will somehow be pressured to aspire to even though they are dealing with so many problems already. I do not want people to aspire to nonmonogamy just because it’s going to become the “new cool thing” that even God is considering turning holy for his purposes. I really cannot agree with it for society right now—maybe it will become like feminism for all I know, in the future, where I will be outdated and old-fashioned to future 2100s people—because I know the human hierarchy more acutely than Aella does—apparently she’s a libertarian I think, and I am not. At least, I don’t think I am. I cannot ignore people’s sufferingside with luxury (nonmonogamy) even though it’s a Heaven-on-Earth condition or a solution to envy (it’s a big solution to hierarchy and love I think, or possessiveness). I think she’s right, but I also think she’s insensitive for people who cannot follow her. I am not like her at all. She doesn’t consider other people’s perspectives, and she might not even know about the suffering of ugly women to really understand that not all people can be nonmonogamous simply because of their bad blood with relational insecurity with other women (one cannot simply overlook and forgive the trauma). But Aella also has every reason to hate monogamous women because according to her, a monogamous woman tried to steal her boyfriend from her and turned him monogamous when r—that is the epitome of betrayal for me too (and I can see her perspective somehow, that I understand where she’s coming from). Fundamentally, scarcity is the reason why we’re all in this boat trying to possess and feel better and feel bad and feel insane for owning things and people and not owning people and things at the same time. Trying to make nonmonogamy cool is like a faux pas for me and probably for the Godhead too (you will not die or suffer materially if nobody allowed you to be polyamorous and nobody is protesting or rioting for poly rights). It is such a billionaire problem (not that God doesn’t care about billionaire problems, but that it is currently disproportionately given so much thought to by the world who has better problems to deal with), and polyamorous people’s happiness is not _that_ important because it is so insensitive to actual trauma—not that their trauma isn’t bad too, but that it’s insane to think being poly as an identity should be given more priority just because it’s a minority position that is currently “uncool.” Not all uncool or underrated things ought to be celebrated now, for practical and moral reasons. It’s such a “can-do” problem, meaning that only people who “can do” it are really privileged to even consider living in the future because of their relative luxury and largesse.
### Sensations/Body Stuff
1. So I suddenly got a second wind to exercise at 1:30AMish for 9 minutes, not really reaching 130BPM. I don’t know why, just burning off the sugared peanuts I ate earlier. I wonder what Vico is doing right now (Asleep? Online? Reading me? Memes? Video editing? Working?).
2. Something weird is going on with my cursor. I think it’s either I’m hacked or I’m dissociating without me knowing it. It doesn’t feel like I’m controlling it. It has its own will that I can feel wants to go the opposite direction that I am consciously trying to go—such a weird sensation. I can’t tell if it’s faster or not. It’s like it’s hovering in my hand but I’m not even trembling. That I even get the sensation that it wants to circle back to the other end. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?????????????? It’s the first time I felt something this weird in my own mind and I’m not talking about psilocybin!!!!!!!!! This is a crazy-making illusion!!!!!! WWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT IS GOING ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
1. It is 4:33 PM and I can still feel it. Like it has a path I am supposed to trace… WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I’m convinced I’m hacked and people are fucking with me???? Is this true??????????? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRAVITY!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!! I NEED TO TAKE HUGOT SERIOUSLY NOW!!!! IF I CAN ONLY CONSCIOUSLY RECALL WHERE I PUT THAT (I doubt it has anything in it).
1. OMG MY LEFT THUMB STARTED ACTING UP FOR NO REASON. IT IS SHAKING AND TREMBLING BY ITSELF!!!!!!!!!!
1. So I got the good sense to film it and try to understand why… I will upload in a little while. It’s so strange. It’s still happening as I type right now. What am I supposed to do with random jerks in my thumb???????
2. The sensation hasn’t left me at 5:35PM. Maybe I will always feel like this. Twitchy and almost not in my control.
### Morning Pages ⚜️
Rule: continuously add to Feb 1. Personal Best, Goals, Progress/Momentum, Weaknesses, Social Media, Craft, Todo, Synchronicities, Reminders, Tasks so you are forced to go through all of them by skimming.
Is it a bad idea to watch Hill House episode 3? OMG I wonder what I will find… currently loading it up. OMG MIRIAM DEFENSOR SANTIAGO!!! HER SON!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG LMAO “Tatalon ako sa eroplano pag naaresto si Erap” which she followed up with 'I _**lied**_” when Erap was finally arrested” “I LIED HAHAHA” Cackling like a maniac like right now. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hmmm…In 1988, Defensor Santiago was named laureate of the [Ramon Magsaysay Award](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramon_Magsaysay_Award) for government service, with a citation for bold and moral leadership in cleaning up a [graft](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graft_\(politics\))-ridden government agency. After being appointed by [President Corazon Aquino](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corazon_Aquino) as [secretary of agrarian reform](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_of_Agrarian_Reform_\(Philippines\)) from 1989 to 1990, she ran in the [1992 presidential election](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1992_Philippine_presidential_election) but was defeated in events that involved a car crash injury and power outages during voting process. Defensor Santiago would then serve three terms in the Philippine Senate. After former president [Joseph Estrada](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Estrada) was arrested on April 25, 2001, she was among the politicians who spoke against [EDSA II](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EDSA_II) at pro-Estrada rallies that preceded the [May 1 riot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EDSA_III) near [Malacañang Palace](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malaca%C3%B1ang_Palace).
UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It was edited 2 days ago, the Wiki on Miriam… I honestly don’t know if MTO is real, it’s just that God is the type to do that too, as in, we are the center-center-center in the other universe…