### Dreams 🧫 1. I had a dream the other day that was hypnagogia again. This child figure (that I could judge from their form on my back) was hugging me from behind—like that Jesus carrying the child on his back repost on IG I had the other day. I think it was either my sister’s spirit (Petra Josefa Jackson) or Pedrito Josephus Jackson (Mike’s spirit?) or my dead brother/sister’s spirit. I didn’t think it was malevolent but it felt like a warm family hug, but they did wrestle with me trying to edge me off my bed, and this went on for a bit until I felt their spirit lift into nothingness. 2. My dream last night, I remember only bits and pieces. Something about Barry again with a globe of a coconut-like fruit filled with condensed milk, but get this, he was supposed to prepare it but he was spitting out the condensed milk into the globe and everyone, including Alizeiah thought it was disgusting. I think it was a multiverse dream. I don’t know why I get these dreams sometimes, about school. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. I wonder what Vico does on Sundays. I know his church is Victory, but does he regularly attend? Or does he prefer to listen to sermons online? I’m once again very curious about his religious practice, if any. I’m starting a routine right now that I’ve maintained since the last week where I read the Bible first thing every morning and worship and pray. It certainly aligns me spiritually, this discipline. 2. Lord, You know my heart, and it is currently full of fear, not the apparent fear, but a slow-burning fear resulting from my psychosis. It is a sensation that I very much detest as it gives me a whole new world of bad things to think about—almost intrusively even. I pray for this mindset to lift. Please, oh God, if there is a purpose for this plague upon my mind, enlighten me so that I may accept whole heartedly why You have allowed me to experience that psychosis that led to my fear state that somehow I always fear being out of control, which I rationally know isn’t too possible anyway, but still, I fear it. I sometimes cannot handle this fear that I really had a panic attack of the self-fulfilling prophecy kind on March 19, and I feel so impotent over my own mind. Please God, let this mind state lift so that I may go back to a happier and more pleasant headspace. If not, please give me the strength through your grace, which is always enough, to bear and weather the worst of it. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen. 3. The Haunting of Bly Manor may just be my forever favorite TV series. How could they ever tap into my own trauma right now? That Dani really had to experience dissociation too so that the lady in the lake living inside her would eventually compel her to strangle her lover but then she ultimately prevents it by killing herself in the lake pre-emptively. And then it turns out that she never repeats the trauma that the lady in the lake caused to people, even though she was now the new lady in the lake, because she was “harmless as a dove.” Neat parallel to “like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees” in Turning Page. So much catharsis I experienced today just rewatching the ending. Thank God for inspiring Mike Flanagan to write this story because it’s exactly what I needed right now to untangle my feelings about my own psychosis and dissociation. ### Morning Pages ⚜️ The project of a lifetime has just been made known to me: teaching my baby sister of 16 years to have initiative. This is the only roadblock to her being given speech and communication lessons according to my dad, who says my sister doesn’t have that initiative to even communicate in the first place, no way to give her that from an external source, no way to make her want to communicate to other humans, not even when she’s hungry or in discomfort. This will be my gift to my parents and to her. I will find a way someday, maybe not now, but maybe in two years I will develop a way for her to communicate using the one skill that I taught her how to do—her “apir” or clapping my hand whenever I attempt to high-five her, which she usually responds to almost automatically. What I do know is that she has a memory for routine, which is her lifting her butt whenever I say “up” to change her diaper. She responds, but she doesn’t initiate, and that’s the problem. How can you teach an infant to want to communicate—it seems like it’s all they ever want to do since they’re born, and it seems so natural and commonsensical for all people to develop this initiative, but I’ve got a really special assignment from God. Who am I without my dopamine? Remember, Iron Man is still Iron Man without his equipment and suit. You can still be great without stimulants to make your headspace colorful and productive. It only takes a bit of work, and you will eventually automate that stability as time goes by.