Edit July 22, 2026: I've fallen out of love with Vico. I don't know if it's because of Nikki de Guzman and my recent sighting of his cryptic posts if ever he is actually communicating with her. Or that I've realized quite acutely today the depths of my delusional state in March 2026. I've given him up to her. I know when I've lost. Only problem is accepting it with grace. See, I could look away and realize that he might be saying he's only interested in roads and not in becoming a senator since he also topped the 2028 polls. Or I could look at the more obvious explanation, that he is really interested in her because she reposted the same content (albeit from her news page while his is from Inquirer). ^e44181 As for who is Nikki de Guzman? Read to the end of this entry. #medyodramatic --- #### Ruminations ​ So there’s no denying it. I really am hacked. I just reminisced on what happened last February 7-8 where Vico really said something about my eye-camera dream with the “untheoretical physicists” and black people and the next day he posted on February 8 about his “job” with the portals of him handing out paper/or “dental dams” LOL to refer to my many-dimensions dream and he even used AI to generate the picture that relates too well to what I wrote. And then he did post about the Pasig River and why would he post that if he wasn’t aware of who I was, that seemingly dry textbook stuff? I’m just really hungry for another sure sign like this even if he already followed Regine Tolentino (I don’t know but isn’t that a kind of “proposal” or something hehe related to him liking me at least), because I’m just so lonely and craving for his presence again. I thought the alien spaceship was very funny with the Maui Wowie, and that was very recent already. I guess, I’m just looking for a more certain sign because I cannot take the possibility that I’ve just been talking to myself this past 3 months. I already have Paolo’s confidence that he is stalking me at least because of his “The Only Place” being about my ideas of Heaven. I can’t believe I am craving for a sure sign that somebody is stalking me—I never would have thought this was something I would crave. It will really relieve this anti-delusion phase I’m in, and this sadness, I guess, of really being like one of those post-partum moms who would feel like offing their own baby just because of psychosis. I know I am not violent at all, it’s just that it’s really hard to believe in my good side when the person that I am while I’m dissociated and exposed to spirits is so fucking scary to myself most of all. It’s really lonely being the only person that I know who has experienced a spirit possession—when I used to not believe in the concept, now I’ve been proven wrong and I have a firsthand account of what it’s like (and I choose to believe strongly in the chemical explanation to stay sane enough). The fact that I’m taking antipsychotics to prevent prodromal signs like dissociation is really the twist of this year at least, to me, because I never would have dreamed of going back to antipsychotics again. I sure hope this doesn’t make people think differently of me, or that they somehow need to be cautious of me now that they know that a spirit can possess me (at least I am still able to be restrained while under the influence like being drunk). As they say, relationships really are our saving grace. I will never take anything in this world for granted ever again. I just have to cement in my heart that God really loves me to make me see Themselves as Clovis/Marivic (as in, check the dates, I wrote about my love for Mike likening it to God’s love for us in February 2022, and what do you know, come September 2022, They literally show up as perfect beatified Mike smiling at me radiantly while I’m a completely naked and exposed sinner). I have to surface this side of God whenever I’m reminded too well about my March 9 experience. God, help me put You first place in my heart to ever doubt your Love for me. You have literally been working in my life so obviously to myself and to other people reading me. It may be months before I get another closure dream again, but I know that God has really answered me already by surfacing My Sister’s Keeper and Sucker Punch last night in my consciousness—since those two movies are about sisterhood. You know it would be illogical at least for Vico to be posting those memes (the black guy untheoretical physicists or maps of rivers or even his “job” of handing out papers in many dimensions) if he wasn’t stalking me (is he really interested in theoretical physics too?). So he really might be stalking me or reading me. Otherwise, what would trigger him that randomly to post something like that? And within a day of me really writing about those things or posting my pictures. I can say though, he’s a really fast reader. How on Earth do people do this while also doing their jobs? They must be using teamwork again, but I don’t know exactly how they do it, organizing my ramblings in here to make sense every time I add something to the threads I start. This is not me being ungrateful for the “sign” that Vico has given me with Regine Tolentino btw (that is a really sweet sentiment already if ever it was intentional), it’s just that my incredulity at the sign makes me once again hungry for an even stronger sign… I don’t know how to state it in another way. It’s like whenever Vico posts or does something really naked I become even more rabid or hungry for more context (that I am wanting an assurance that he didn’t misspeak or unintentionally do that undirected to me) and follow-up. What God is really saying to me with the manic episode: That I should take care of myself—no more all-nighters, no more excessive armodafinil, no more stimulants, no more of anything that could put my health and everyone else’s health at risk. If I wasn’t hacked at all, God is sending a really huge weight of signs to me anyway. Even Shawntel seems to be in on it with her “Mary of Gold” audio. What could be God’s purpose of putting me under this state of mind if not to make me write about Them? To complete Sir, I’m So Fond of You? Complete with the full breadth and depth of Satan’s True Evil. I must not be so insane as to think I really am special? There is nothing so special about me anyway, but somehow, Vico got roped into this somehow because of Paolo? And Audrey and Mike and the entire department? Who else could it be if not them? Why would Vico be here in the first place if somebody did not make him volunteer his time? They must have had an endgame (that I am really curious about anyway) before I showed up writing about God, because they couldn’t have predicted I’d go in this direction. Maybe they’re here because of Unreal Image. Maybe this is what Vico has been trying to tell me all along? I don’t know, maybe? It’s a huge hunch because what else could I have brought to the table of this entire cosa nostra if not for my Unreal Image outline I submitted last October/November 2025? If Vico has not been part of this at all, it’s just amazing how he has managed to sustain my interest and with plausibly deniable signs anyway, because I have an anti-bias filter going on too, one that tries to deny small signs that I know may not be based on objective reality. PRODROMAL PHASE SIGNS: ^7ec7f0 1. Dissociating and feeling like you’re not inside your body or that your body is not yours—sign you are being edged out by Something. Last March 9, it all came to a head when you fainted suddenly at the dining table and believe it or not, Something possessed you at that second. I used to not believe so sharply and acutely those testimonies about spirit possession, but now that I have lived experience of it, it just kicks open a whole new world of magic for me, the bad kind anyway. 2. **Feeling invincible—this is obvious. You had the sensation that you could solve anything almost instantly. Beware this emotion. In reality in the Real World, things take effort and energy and you do not possess god-like power.** 3. Coming up with so many easy puns. Self-explanatory too. Something in your brain is sharper and more acute, so it must be a sign to take antipsychotics to dial it down. 4. That rise of panic within your chest—self-fulfilling prophecy. The tendency to blow things out of proportion that can be hijacked by anything seeking to destroy you. Panic always leads to bad things. Make sure you concentrate on the good side of things. — I endeavor to exercise 20 minutes per day at least at the start of each day because I plan to stop taking my Waklert—a CNS stimulant. I’m so excited for my future now. Let this excitement bleed into the next day as I try to bring my future to pass—with Vico in it somehow. Lord help me realize this dream! Please help me stay grounded but positively optimistic. I’m so excited to graduate too! In a few months I should be done with all my schoolwork. I give it two months more. By May, I should be done completely and ready to march by July. You know what? What if pretending Vico is my destiny is going to lock me into a motivated state? I don’t want to become too delusional, but maybe God had a purpose with my wish list for a future partner. It really seems as if Vico checks all of my boxes except the English-speaking part (to be honest, that is really not needed anyway, that’s why it’s just a preference and coincidentally too, because it’s the only one God seemed to break). I hope I check most of his boxes if he has any. I’m not even after material gains and fame. I just want to love someone like Vico, period. He seems like the best person to love and take care of (I’m ready to accept his workaholic nature and possibly, avoidant tendencies) and you’d be hard-pressed to find anybody like him anywhere in the country. I’m ready to be Mrs. Sotto!!!! PLS I’m do delulu today. I’ll have all his babies!!! ME!!! Who never planned to be a mother!! He’ll be my greatest project on Earth and my greatest love only second to God. I’m ready to share my place with his love for Pasig and Filipino people anyway, that way he’ll never have to choose. By loving and serving Pasig he loves me and God too. But then again, even if he ends up marrying someone else, I feel like I’ll never stop loving him unconditionally. He’s been a significant reason why I survived 2025 and now in 2026 too. I owe a lot to him, not that I want to make him feel bad that I owe him anything because maybe he doesn’t like the feeling that somebody feels indebted to him. If he ever finds himself in Cagayan de Oro, I could always be a call away if we ever get close enough. Oh well, papel. I found out that he reposted this news anchor’s repost of Tim Tiah’s content. Nikki de Guzman. I guess she looks kind of like Cristine Reyes, which is weirdly proof that he is reading me somehow. Or maybe this has nothing to do with me, and that he’s really interested in her, since she’s a news anchor like Sam Sadhwani. I don’t know what to feel. I mean, I found out about her a few days ago, with me really thinking that he’s referring to me saying earlier that he “didn’t seem to be that attracted to Cristine Reyes.” But now he’s reposted her repost too, I guess he means business with her. I prefer to stay out of it, but just loving him from afar would probably carry me through anything. But come to think of it, I may be too naive anyway. I know by now to never fall in love with potential only. Because that is what we are right now—potential. I shouldn’t claim to love him any more than he can claim to love me if he is ever reading me, but we are possibly in that in-between state that isn’t really love yet. He has a lot to prove (and I have a lot to prove too) to really earn that love from me ideally and me from him. He hasn’t done anything in Real World yet to make me feel anything, but only his posts on social media (maybe if he is reading me, he may feel bad about me downplaying his hard work with video editing, which I’m not doing btw, those are great!). Maybe he’s tired of waiting for me, which I can’t do anything about since I’m still in this stage of my life—trying to complete my degree first. I don’t know how willing he is to wait for me (once again, if he is for sure reading me at all). Maybe I have truly gone insane—which isn’t really a hunch anymore at this point. I have to put my feelings for him in perspective, because I need to finish Real World things too to even think about a future with a love life in it. I don't even think I'm suited for a relationship. What makes me think I can handle that?