### Dreams 🧫 1. Dreamt about John Emil Rea and a basketball court that was dangerously on a cliff-like structure with no fences (so the ball could land outside and away from the court). It was vaguely my family’s and there was a pool near it, and somehow, a Disney-like carnival. I don’t know what happened exactly, just that there were these students. And a military-like school for boys and girls where they had to be strict about underwear changes three times a day (I honestly don’t know why) with my view concentrating on this guy, Edrich Chua (compsci days) and there was a gestalt of Squid Game—the entire pink room vibe. 1. Emil is a primarily masculine name of Latin origin, derived from the Roman family name _Aemilius_. It means **"[rival](https://www.google.com/search?q=rival&sca_esv=44d106614816f4f2&biw=1274&bih=776&sxsrf=ANbL-n4SL3jaNg5Xa82CChyA1Uh3YVtHoA%3A1773201970948&ei=MuqwaZDPObvj2roP6czzwQQ&ved=2ahUKEwiNkLqQ_JaTAxUzr1YBHTl7DWcQgK4QegYIAQgAEAQ&uact=5&oq=emil+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAaAhgCIhFlbWlsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFMgUQABiABDILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyCxAAGIAEGIYDGIoFMgsQABiABBiGAxiKBTILEAAYgAQYhgMYigVI8C1QrgdYhC1wCXgAkAEAmAGoAaABrheqAQQwLjIyuAEDyAEA-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&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)," "[striving to excel](https://www.google.com/search?q=striving+to+excel&sca_esv=44d106614816f4f2&biw=1274&bih=776&sxsrf=ANbL-n4SL3jaNg5Xa82CChyA1Uh3YVtHoA%3A1773201970948&ei=MuqwaZDPObvj2roP6czzwQQ&ved=2ahUKEwiNkLqQ_JaTAxUzr1YBHTl7DWcQgK4QegYIAQgAEAU&uact=5&oq=emil+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAaAhgCIhFlbWlsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFMgUQABiABDILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyCxAAGIAEGIYDGIoFMgsQABiABBiGAxiKBTILEAAYgAQYhgMYigVI8C1QrgdYhC1wCXgAkAEAmAGoAaABrheqAQQwLjIyuAEDyAEA-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&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)," "[industrious](https://www.google.com/search?q=industrious&sca_esv=44d106614816f4f2&biw=1274&bih=776&sxsrf=ANbL-n4SL3jaNg5Xa82CChyA1Uh3YVtHoA%3A1773201970948&ei=MuqwaZDPObvj2roP6czzwQQ&ved=2ahUKEwiNkLqQ_JaTAxUzr1YBHTl7DWcQgK4QegYIAQgAEAY&uact=5&oq=emil+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAaAhgCIhFlbWlsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFMgUQABiABDILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyCxAAGIAEGIYDGIoFMgsQABiABBiGAxiKBTILEAAYgAQYhgMYigVI8C1QrgdYhC1wCXgAkAEAmAGoAaABrheqAQQwLjIyuAEDyAEA-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&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)," or "[eager](https://www.google.com/search?q=eager&sca_esv=44d106614816f4f2&biw=1274&bih=776&sxsrf=ANbL-n4SL3jaNg5Xa82CChyA1Uh3YVtHoA%3A1773201970948&ei=MuqwaZDPObvj2roP6czzwQQ&ved=2ahUKEwiNkLqQ_JaTAxUzr1YBHTl7DWcQgK4QegYIAQgAEAc&uact=5&oq=emil+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAaAhgCIhFlbWlsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFMgUQABiABDILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyCxAAGIAEGIYDGIoFMgsQABiABBiGAxiKBTILEAAYgAQYhgMYigVI8C1QrgdYhC1wCXgAkAEAmAGoAaABrheqAQQwLjIyuAEDyAEA-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&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)"**. It is highly popular across European, Scandinavian, and Germanic countries, often associated with, and sometimes used interchangeably with, Emilie or Emily. 2. The surname Rea in the Philippines generally originates from European roots, often denoting **a "river" or "stream" (Old Norse), a "roe deer" (Old English), or a "meadow" (Basque)**. It is not a native Filipino word but likely introduced during the Spanish colonial period or via English/Irish immigration. 3. The name Edrich is of Old English and Germanic origin, meaning **"prosperous ruler,"** **"wealthy leader,"** or **"rich and powerful"**. It is derived from the elements _ead_ (meaning prosperity, wealth, or fortune) and _ric_ (meaning ruler or power). 4. Chua is a common Chinese surname (蔡) predominantly used by Hokkien and Teochew speakers, representing a variant of the Mandarin surname Cai/Tsai. It originates from the ancient State of Cai in the Zhou Dynasty and is frequently found in Southeast Asia, signifying **"vegetable," "vine,"** or simply the Cai family lineage. ### Sensations/Body Stuff 🫟 1. What I learned from my manic episode: ^699600 1. Dissociation is my prodrome, or the symptoms before an episode erupts. 1. It’s a direct result of weeks to months of being under this “Vico Delulu” that is 100% true virtually but objectively may not be (50/50). It’s a huge factor and likely a new state of reality that may sometimes lead to devastating effects in real life—you aren’t 100% sure and that if other rational people look at it, you’re really insane for thinking Vico is somehow accessing your writing even though you’re a nobody—and why would he be here anyway? It may be that it’s only a huge collection of synchrons comprising a giant weight in your mind, until you get more evidence of its reality. Being in this state is naturally destabilizing. 2. It may also be caused by taking Bupropion. It’s a DNRI. Not taking it is the best way for now. You still have Omega-3, and your Essential Stack to weather the effects of antipsychotics on your body. 2. The solution to your fears coming true is not to overthink it. You’re not a dangerous person who needs to be imprisoned for the safety of others. You have a moral compass. You know the worst has already happened—being under that boundary between awake and dreaming—that you think you experienced God’s law and that you were given carte blanche to do anything and that resulted in your severe virtual torture and potential violence sort of like in your dreams. It is a state of mind that is the actual reality of what happens when REM is activated during waking hours—and not a calm state that you envision in Unreal Image, so in a way, your psychosis is actually informing you more clearly about what your fiction should be based on, unreal science where the premise is flawed. 1. When dopamine signaling becomes unstable, the brain starts tagging **random events as significant**. A glance from a stranger feels loaded with meaning. A coincidence feels orchestrated. 1. So there is an inherent danger to paying attention to what Angels are saying to you. You may become psychotic and be controlled by those Angels—like with me being subjected to what my brain would be like under a state where I utter complete nonsense syllables like I’m actually having a seizure/epilepsy. And don’t forget the screaming involuntarily, and the almost-shitting, and the vomiting reflex. 2. Before those interpretations become full delusions, the brain often experiences something more primitive: **the sense that reality itself feels off.** 3. That’s where dissociation creeps in. 1. They say: 2. “Things feel unreal.” 3. Later, when psychosis emerges, the brain often **explains** that feeling: 4. “Things feel unreal because the world is a simulation.” #### Morning Pages ​ I’m just very crestfallen and hopeless today. I’m starting antipsychotics again, and already I can feel demotivation and avolition again. I want to feel alive and not have to worry about dissociating again. Please, God, there has to be a better way. Even if I tell my psychiatrist about Cobenfy, they might not know what it is. Please let them know what it is, so I don’t have to experience the brunt of word-finding difficulties again. Please, God, You know I need this. Please let this turn out in my favor.