### Ruminations 🩻 1. So I decided to surrender autonomy over my body by taking antipsychotics again. I learned my lesson from why God seemingly allowed a spirit of Satan to possess me yesterday and put me through the full spectrum of pain and suffering that I wonder if that was my crucifixion. I experienced virtually being stabbed, being raped, being killed by a billionaire, being shot by a bullet, being injected by a sharp and big needle, biting or being bitten by a snake, almost shat my pants, and vomited. It was a horrible experience convulsing on the floor as my mom and dad watched me devolve into a homicidal freak of nature who thought she was Divine and somehow accessing the beginning of time where deferral could not even fully penetrate—all the words got layers hidden which I tried to unmask fruitlessly (I don’t know how to describe this state but speaking fast and questioning each phrase as a unit of meaning that had to have meaning behind the meaning and so on and so forth until I devolved again and became like a twitchy rabid dog spouting obscenities and nonsense sounds and even moaning sexually in front of them both because I thought I was anally raped). This is what likely happened to me: that I have a hunch God allowed it to happen and put me through all that suffering and oppression through my own mind because I finally landed somewhere about Angels and the nature of Satan (although not completely, seeing the true depth of Satan’s evil which I think I had a tendency to minimize). I must remember once again what I’m fighting against, for real, that God really had to let that happen to me, that homicidal violent actions-words prevented only by my parents restraining me, because Satan is real and truly evil, and that despite the story that involves God being somehow “in love” or “attracted to” Satan, Satan is still Satan, who wishes to steal, kill, and destroy, and my mistake was not to recognize this sooner and truly see what I’m up against. The kind of demon/Satan that penetrated me through my body was not ordinary, it was a spiritual attack against my person because I am finally hitting against something Real World against Satan, even though I’m just writing in NDH for now. I know I am fundamentally not homicidal, and am tender as a feather, but God made me realize that anybody, Instrument or not, can be temporarily used by Satan or the Antichrist to wreak havoc on nature and Real World. It is a reality that I am living with that I am fully dependent only on the grace of God to help me work through my apparent porosity to these demons/Satan-types that have managed to penetrate my life. I’m not only writing this to confirm why I disappeared for a few hours, but also to possibly warn people about me or my mind. Proceed with caution as anybody tries to get closer to me. In fact, I think I will never get married for this reason. I am Instrument, and I have to accept that I have to be fully prepared to sacrifice a love life because I cannot bear the possibility that I could maim or murder a loved one if I am possessed again. I am taking antipsychotics in the meantime to buffer against mind states that Satan can hijack and use against me and my loved ones. I cannot afford to lose the trust of my loved ones. I just can’t. God help me become strengthened to weather the emotional and spiritual effects of my medications even as I am against them ethically. But what a syncron/coincidence though, that antipsychotics came first, then anti-antipsychotics, then after that is the synthesis (or the compromise)—me taking antipsychotics again in some measure. ^cc2966 ![[March 10, 2026-1784704135384.webp]] ### Morning Pages ⚜️ Disappeared yesterday because of my manic symptoms. I am recovering from the effects. — I’m just so lonely today. I have no one to talk to about my scary manic episode. I feel like God has forsaken me, but I trust that Their will will turn out for the best. I just hope my fears dissipate with time. Please let me dream of something good, God?