### Hermeneutics/Semiotics/Psychophysics/Puso’y Dos Tres ⛰️ 1:10AM: OMG I LISTENED TO LUDWIG GÖRANSSON’S “MEETING NEIL” AGAIN AND YES, IT’S VIRTUALLY THE SAME AS NORTH WEST’S BOOMING VOICE. ONLY THIS ONE IS INSTRUMENTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH PEOPLE HAD AUDIOPHILE HEADPHONES. OR EVEN MID-FI LIKE MINE!!! I came up with (2(2(3))1)3) on February 5 only. I am not hiding anything that I remember too well from yellowpad and pink and green day except possibly “time travel.” I exercised twice on that day I think. Oh wait, no I didn’t, that was the day before. I did nothing special on February 5. It was another hit of inspiration from the GODHEAD. Came up with Esther Undécima idea for Israel’s sake and outlined some stuff under my own name in Compass Rose. They are now Mother Mary-Mary Magdalene relationship. This is a Great Idea. Thank you for whoever fed this to me. I had a huge blindspot that possibly overlooked how Israel could have suffered too and all. I don’t know if that makes me an enemy of theirs or someone they will hate? Not if I tell them about my entire story? Coming from Nazareth, the names and dreams all, the signifiers of their own wise rabbi. Not a prophet, savior or messiah. I will research more about Israeli culture to really dig into how they think. I will possibly lean into their entire Word or Logos conception. Make it seem really magical too but not in an obviously fake way, suggest some technological stuff that could happen if they support me (possibly some of them will be curious about my time travel 3:33 theories to see if it has any applications—which I really felt on 3:33 the first time it happened). This would have been easier if I was born male, I think. Curses. But I don’t want to be male. I will possibly filter the threat in a Revelation commentary(?) about how they will suffer eternally or near-eternally in the spirit world if they don’t stop? I suppose I don’t want to be completely free of Real World either. I would miss some direct “meaningless” physical beauty aspect of it probably [not that I ever had physical sexual release with another person, but that my ideas about it and how it feels on my body virtually could possibly rival material constraints], but they say in Heaven your memories of pain and loss will gradually feel like a drop in the magnificent ocean. Everything is possible in Heaven or Main Main Heaven, but some aspect of the limitations on Earth was probably precious. Inequality somehow had some benefit I wouldn’t want to voice out yet because of fear or that I’m running out of bandwidth to describe it currently. Suppose it has something to do with how much effort it takes for a person to do something vs. how a privileged person would easily do it, and how addicting it must be to live “on top of them all” like royalty. I suppose, I suppose. Somehow effort makes things worthwhile, but sometimes you just want things to come easier to you, even instantly ideally. It’s 2:54 AM. Time to hit the hay. I have to study Hinduism, Judaism, and some more of Gnosticism too. GREAT. But I’ll really try. Let’s just say I’ll spend 1/12 of my debut novel advance on beauty. Let’s just say. I mean, wouldn’t I become addicted to that if it was a really huge sum? I suppose I am never completing Unreal Image this year. Or maybe I will pull a miracle and actually will. I suppose I was given April 12, 2026 as a deadline. I will have to hunker down at this point and shelve my exploration with GODHEAD or others. Or I will do it as a pleasurable hobby instead of movies? Ugh. I wish I could finish BOBOBEE before February 13. I want to do it so badly. What’s 7 days of no sleep? Or little sleep? Maybe you’ll get in! OMG did people think I have a forest on/in my ass? LOL WTF? I was prompted by a classmate in the past in high school who said something about ass hair and I wasn’t even sure earlier if everyone or most people had that. I really thought I was abnormal for having probably a normal amount of hair or what is considered average for a woman with higher-than-average androgens. I don’t have PCOS or period problems and they are regular and my menstrual pain isn’t _that_ bad/mild. One thing’s for sure, I’ve never tried to shave my ass hair in my life. Why would I need to? That is really inconvenient, and I don’t understand people who keep doing that but won’t save up for a permanent or semi-permanent solution to stop wasting time. I suppose I was more of a reader back then in 2018. I really bought East of Eden and was obsessed with the idea of Cathy. She is my inspiration for Impostor Justine. I just never formalized it to myself yet. I close this loop by reading the physical copy of my East of Eden bought in a book stall along the street between CAL and AS/Palma Hall. It’s even a Centennial Edition. I don’t know how I got it for a cheap price. Oh wait, it was secondhand, that’s why. ![[February 6, 2026-1781955632882.webp]] All right. I clearly remember who I knew. Since “The April Boys” is constantly being mentioned, I suppose people know all about my past associated guys? I know about most of his anyway. Gretchen Ho. Even Sam Gabronino (I remember being shocked at finding the red dolphin shorts from my dream with Isabella and Eloisa I think, because WTF that dream happened before I discovered her) and Jazzy Alkhaldi. I didn’t know about Sam Sadhwani Clavano being married to Mico before I think I wrote an erotica in here about a girl cheating on her husband with an old fling. That is strangely eerie and synchronic too if that is a possibility he has fantasized about. I’m not pointing fingers, I was honestly trying to write about Jeffrey and Vico possibility, with Jeffrey being “the one-who-got-away” (joke’s on me, I am now super over Jeffrey FML but also thank GOD). I would rather not be attached to anybody at all ideally. I really wish I could shed this Real Body. The women I mentioned in this paragraph are all beautiful in their own way and possibly look better in real life than in photos that are just 2D, just that the celebrity ones are really big stars and influential. It’s 4:11AM. Couldn’t stop writing about random things, I guess. Sleep. ### Ay wow. Hopefully they find a cure in the future before that happens to me. As the novel progresses, Cathy becomes increasingly less attractive. She develops crippling [arthritis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthritis) in her hands, and by the end of the novel she is described as “a sick ghost”.[[4]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cathy_Ames#cite_note-FOOTNOTESteinbeck1952550-4) I am actually very anal about butt hygiene and wash thoroughly with soap and water every time. I then wipe everything with dry tissue afterwards and this is why I’m the most heavy consumer of tissue in my family (toilet paper rolls on BOBOBEE trash joke day). I just hate the idea of hair on my ass (or whatever thing like invisible bits of tissue that might have caught) not that I have dingleberries dangling all over the place. Why am I talking about ass hair in the first place? I don’t know exactly. I just wish it wasn’t normal in porn to have hairless bodies. In an ideal world, there would be no friction to make your skin rougher. We don’t really have much or any use for body hair anyway. I hate my own body hair because of porn. Duh. But I’m even attracted to the idea of it being on a man? Can you imagine having that privilege of never having to shave anything? One thing’s for sure though, I will never try Dinuguan. That is such a weird food. It’s blood. Why? I cannot turn off my senses for inanimate objects like meat I’m supposed to eat for no reason? What would be appealing about eating blood? I hate the taste of iron for this reason. I know I don’t have any sexual experience, but I’m willing to see if I like it—giving head—and would tolerate some weird new smells just to see someone I love hopefully orgasm. 4:35AM. Would like to be sleepy right now, but alas. 5:24M. Here is where I learn how unreliable emotions are. I have no idea what the “truth” is like in the Discourse/Narrative right now. For all I know people are finding all sorts of patterns in the Bible now attempting to make GODHEAD speak personally to them through math. I wish that were true. I would have to find a really “non-anointed” person and see if I can find a verse that fits them. And unlike you all, I have to do it alone, but with GODHEAD of course. I’m gonna find something for Aella tomorrow/today. Maybe that woman—Elizabeth Dempsey Beggs—really could have been raped too in the military as a veteran. WOW. I would never wish rape on any Real Woman now, even if they were extremely attractive. I don’t know why I had different standards for virtual reality. It’s like I could be less responsible because they are obviously in a movie. But I end up harvesting catharsis. When I say “hope you get raped” it is rhetoric only. Not literally. I don’t know how to express revenge or justice in any other way. Suppose it’s literal hellfire and Gehenna, but no one knows what that is like, so I need to make it more direct because they probably had sex already and sometimes feel discomfort, only my imagination makes them think of someone deriving pleasure from their suffering. Get it? Voldy being stripped to the bone and being a little skeletal child while not only existing in a void, but also having people laugh at him, not with him. His name is Voldy and not Voldemort and it is not affection or a diminutive, but an insult. But suppose also that it’s psychological revenge, like what is possibly happening with me right now and in 2019. I never let this possibility go. That is why I would never put someone through psychological revenge unless they did that to me first. I don’t quite know if other Vico pages on FB have caught on. That is why I only assign about 55% weight to them. It seemed too eerie yesterday. Afraid I won’t be able to devote much time to them this week since I plan to finish BOBOBEE before Feb. 13. Where did I get this idea that women are automatically less responsible for the world’s ills? Of course, in the grand scheme of things, men ought to give more grace to women since they have been the most evil and destructive in history and so many generations of women are carrying trauma that snowballed horrendously from war crimes, indoctrination, cults, mass rape, maiming, genital mutilation, etc. I suppose that’s a kind of guilt that all good men have to live with. Except in the Real World, some women are definitely more privileged than some men, and there is a ranking system that is approximating their worth in terms of privilege that is useful to their respective fields/looks/intelligence/status/personality/whatever else. Some women definitely benefit more, like richer women, than men who are middle-class for example. What is to be done with that? I suppose it’s a complicated problem to me personally. Some women are definitely responsible for crimes against humanity or softer crimes or crimes they get away with just because society looks the other way when it comes to women (possibly lying about rape or violence, for example (even one whiff of a lie or false claim can make a lot of real cases look bad—where did this concept of a false rape allegation even spring from (research more)? How can anyone put themselves through that and lie about something so egregious that it really got an official term called “false rape allegation” that is easily googleable, or winning a court/divorce case for child custody unfairly). I think I mentioned this before, but men are definitely known to be physically violent and aggressive, but somehow women approximate this violence through other ways too, like psychological or underhanded means like workplace bullying (my mom’s current problem) or spheres or arenas of intrasexual competition that men have no idea about or can only speculate about. It is all a jungle out there, and somehow I keep wandering into it to study it because I cannot be one of the apes, though I desperately want to be, and I keep suffering anyway virtually. Suppose men are “material/rational” and women are “spiritual/emotional.” Would it be so insane for the arc of the universe to turn more spirit than material? ### Dreams 🧫 No dreams last night. No idea if I just forgot or if there were really no dreams. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. Wrote about Ace Modar in Social Media Tab. I don’t know when I started calling him Ampota. I now think I should call him by his real name to invoke “Voldemort” myself LOL. Insane but possibly effective thought. ### Catchy Wordplay/Puns/Copy/Bursts & Spritz 👑 ### Things to ask AI/Or not 📎 ### Songs 🎤 # OMFG I FOUND THE “EYE-CAMERA DREAM” NOISE. Only, mine was slo-mo, and more erratic, not regular rhythm, which made it extra creepy. RIGHT DOWN TO THE PART IN 1:00++ that had layered some more wispy texture. THIS IS SO FUCKING SCARY AND COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I don’t know when I dreamed the eye -camera dream, but I think it was 2024 or early 2025. I watched Hereditary a long time ago and I don’t remember watching it in 2024 or early 2025. Scary that I was randomly triggered by something related to _Hereditary_ even though it was a long time ago. It vaguely reminds me of the voice of the Heptapods in Arrival [sick and cool thought] that could resemble Qahluqulu in _Unreal Image_. You know, the Real Object as in the Unreality of being hit on the ass by someone you are definitely not attracted to, so you repress everything about it until it only becomes an “Unreal Image.” I don’t know if people caught on already, but I was so affected by Coldplay’s YouTube music video of “The Scientist.” So there. I wish I could rewatch it for the first time (I suppose my bad memory is a nice thing now LOL). Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/track/4A9vnHRQxxnG2sgineTGOf?si=YwkLsuifS_Sdi71QBrMSDA I’m still not over how “MEETING NEIL” sounds like BOBOBEE but the warrior angas type!!! Spotify link to Meeting Neil: https://open.spotify.com/track/4GZnjZKMYhG1CCBfjI3nN4?si=aMqtktQZRH2NW771_XdpIg ### Random(x) 🕳️ 1. “AWANA know who gave me this key” AMP!!! Well, with Ace Modar, at least it was just a slap on the ass and not actual rape. THANK GOD!!! I was possibly given the time travel key because of him? LOL. They really noticed my horrifying trauma or my interpretation of it? I suppose my brain is “sick” in a way that it really knows the exact things to ruminate about to enhance or defamiliarize a pain or trauma, maybe to the GODHEAD too? I suppose I am the Saint of Trauma now. ### Morning Pages ⚜️ “Killmonger’s Dream” song, or, August 18, 2008 entry with the two wavy lines. I will probably die earlier than him. Sad. But I guess GODHEAD thought I wouldn’t survive the grief if ever that is a Real Possibility? It’s even 3:14 minutes long, which is PI and also synchronous with 143 (English 143 with Raymond Falgui). It’s gonna be a True-True even if I don’t get acquainted or in a relationship with him of some kind. I really hate the idea that I’d die early. I hope it’s not disease. I really hope to GODHEAD it isn’t disease. I always was a hypochondriac and I care a lot about health and wellness (explains all my nootropics and stack). The thought that I wouldn’t be able to outrun my destiny is just…depressing. On another note, the Possibility that my 5th “Dream” would unlock real time travel capabilities!!!! ALL THE BOOKS I COULD READ AND MOVIES AND MUSIC I COULD WATCH AND LISTEN TO!!!!! ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO PURSUE KNOWLEDGE AND ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know how wise it would be to mess with historical events. I wouldn’t have a clue about what to change LOL. Maybe the 5th piece is someone else’s? Like, someone who was actually raped physically? But who’s to say I wasn’t violated in the same way with the same approximate emotional valences? The self-disgust, the impossible shame, the self-blame, the horror, the depression, the anxiety and hypervigilance. All of it was mirrored in my life. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if I manage to remember my full childhood memories in a dream somehow. My parents are currently fighting and airing out their laundry in the sala. I had to be referee because I couldn’t stand their noises. I really tried, really fucking tried. They are unwilling to meet each other in the middle. It is always so selfish, much more so my mom who is so incredibly unwilling to see my dad’s POV and situation, being jobless practically and trying to cope with chess. It is such a stupid reason why it started, but it’s not really a stupid reason, just something that exploded into such a perfect situation that really makes sense of their real problems in their marriage. It started with my mom being on her phone as usual around 10:30PM yesterday (my dad has a working idea probably that my mom is a phone addict who scrolls all the time; I don’t disagree), and my dad was in the middle of doing the bulk of his home duties like taking care of my sister, and my mom suddenly asked him to change the channel while in the middle of doing that. My mom says my dad was irrationally angry at her for no reason and that she basically gave him the idea that she is entitled to having that be overlooked so they won’t fight anymore (in my opinion, acting like you are entitled to something is never good; it results in resentment). I mean, what? Not even a small apology or concession or a little consideration? I tried to let her see my POV of seeing my dad at home all day and trying to cope with being jobless, but she didn’t change her opinion at all. She even rubbed it in that my dad “is mad at himself and his life” (you don’t say this to someone you supposedly love to your daughter—the contempt in that sentence, I mean, WTF, knowing he is jobless and struggling to cope with it) and I defended my dad because of course I see him every day while she works all day. I think my mom is incredibly insensitive and dense emotionally. I am not surprised why she has bullies at her office, not only because of her beauty but also possibly because she is a really solipsistic bitch. I suppose it’s only with time and a few days of sleep that they reset too instead of just separating (because I would not stay in their marriage if I were either of them if they had no children), just like how I reset every day thinking no one is watching me. Well, according to Discourse/Narrative, the DID-OSDD connection might not be so far-off. I must have seemed really close to the truth when I really said “violently ill.” So now my parents at 2:04PM are back to being sweet and lovey-dovey and reciting Bible platitudes. WTF just happened???????????? I must have helped, somehow. Please. I suppose I’m really bored now by movies (I haven’t watched TENET actually) because I haven’t watched horror in a while. It was my first love for a reason. Brownout. Forgot what I thought. Lights went up 4:47PM. AND THEN COLIN STETSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ICEBERG OF ICEBERGS!!!!!!!!! ICEBIRBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! # CELIA FRANK… !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eerie coincidence that I typed the exact amount of exclamation points before it got turned into a Heading 1 in Notion. Symmetry? WOWZA. It was 5:35PM when I typed that. Hey, if ya’ll watch me type in real time, you’d know I wasn’t lying about the exclamation points at all. Now what am I lying about… _extreme squint_ Islam too. Great. — 8:26PM: Paralysis. Clusterfuck of thoughts and feelings. Dumbstruck, etc. etc. What if I’m right let’s say 50%. Nobody would believe me or make me truly successful. Jesus died. The end. We assume He’s happy. He was the Son. How can I still not believe in it now knowing I am possibly 80% right, potentially a lot more? I want to quit, tbh. Pareto? 20 where? I am an Instrument, not Divine. I could die today and be happy, finally. I just need to watch 2 movies and I’ll be fine. OMG I’m not deadass!!! 11:14PM. — My mom is not completely evil. She has a sob story too and I will write about it tomorrow. She is not at all like Impostor Justine, do not think that OMG. She’s a mid-narcissist with average-below average social skills (why I got super autistic in combination with my dad probably—two very attractive young people shenanigans with no foresight). I was a regular browser of r/raisedbynarcissists. It is not surprising why I have this tendency to navel-gaze and focus inward and self-destruct sometimes. I don’t know what happened with my sister that she turned out a little better, but not that much also. Sometimes she has her moments. We are a damaged family just like anybody. My mom got married in a civil wedding and my dad never married her in a church wedding, which she has always wanted, and always brought up as a point of contention, always resenting my dad, always browsing on TikTok at celebrity weddings like any other woman and me in my youth too (IIRC, I really typed “Iya Villania Drew Arellano” on that private FB note in 2015 or something about my inspirations). Not only was she raped in her youth, she never got the “I will celebrate you in public” feeling of being loved, further worsening the shame of falling pregnant before wedlock and not being honored. They were not rich, and my dad had to work as an ordinary doctor (not a specialist with a swanky paycheck) while my mom stayed at home with me until my sister was born in 1999 and she got hired by Red Cross as a manager-doctor, where she worked for 15+ years I think. I suppose that’s the real consequence (cont. tomorrow).