### Dreams 🧫 My dreams last night seem too random. 1. Rumination/stream of consciousness about my entire situation. Mostly focusing on the phrase “inference of the whole” (maybe a rumination from last night’s rewatch of Sucker Punch). In the ending, Baby Doll’s High Roller who bought her turns out to be sweet romantic guy who wants to know _all_ of her and give her freedom (before the sucker punching reveal of Real World), but he can never know her totally. Well, the people reading me know me almost totally. What can I possibly hide now? I have nothing to hide from people reading me. Everything about me is almost too transparent. I just wonder how it feels on the other end…like you all have almost complete and utter access to another person’s mind. How it works, and how you all seem to study it because it’s like a naked singularity anyway. You can “infer the whole” from a really huge part that is exposed. I am known through and through. “A god has no secrets” from 2019 Notes App surfacing right now. 1. I guess the Abby that people know on here is very coherent. None of my Real World thoughts are very coherent. I am not even coherent to myself when I don’t write—I just feel all the feelings with no stream of consciousness at all (I have a feeling that I don’t have an inner monologue—as if my mind is very silent. I don’t know if this is an effect of too much writing in that my inner monologue doesn’t exist—I doubt it exists in the way I think in other people because I simply don’t fathom thinking in coherent words and sentences. It’s like I completely bypass the words and go straight to the meaning. 2. I dreamt I was in a restaurant I don’t recognize at all. It was such a foreign dream. No apparent relation to my life. I was eating bacon (2 strips) and had the feeling that I was napping, and a person (a woman) was watching me from afar (or that I was being watched being asleep in Real World by that woman in my dream—a little creepy). I returned my plate and felt a little anxiety from going up to the reception/counter and depositing my plate there (I don’t know why I had to do this). 3. The other dream is very vague—as if I was defending my family’s house—again, a really foreign house totally unrelated to my house—from some rowdy teenagers who were about to set it on fire or something, or do something bad like burgle it. --- Interpretations: 1. It’s either the Godhead is attempting to insert some normalcy into my life by giving me almost too random dreams (or that I really brought this on myself by mentioning the other day—”Do I even include the most random ones in this framework of Face, Act, Expressor). In that parenthetical case, it almost seems too fated that I would dream of really random dreams, then. What do I do with this? 1. It’s like majorly based on anxiety anyway and fear. In the Sucker Punch one, I am scared of the apparent consequences of being totally known. In the bacon one, I am scared I am being watched by a woman and scared by going up to the counter. In the defender one, I am afraid of nature = evil teenagers about to wreak havoc on my life and house—compromising my security. It’s all about fears. So what is it? What God Face is most related to anxiety? It couldn’t be Stella to me—something about her doesn’t give me that vibe. It’s Clotilde, because she struggles with shame and pride. And Norr Weston too, self-esteem and ego. My anxieties are mostly borne out of shame, some pride (I don’t want to be looked down on), and self-esteem issues, possibly my sub-detectable giant ego, after all. What the Godhead seems to be telling me is to differentiate where to place anxiety—a self-preservation “disorder” that isn’t really a mental illness, when you really think about it. In fact, I would think most people ought to be more anxious and careful. That’s what got me into this cosa nostra anyway. 1. Where did I learn to be anxious? Still largely a mystery to me. It’s a self-preservation defense mechanism of some kind. Something had to have happened to me that hurt really badly—I remember it, the first wound I can pinpoint as the cause of my anxiety—that I closed up and became vigilant at an early age, but I don’t want to talk about it yet, it’s too sensitive even for me. Fearful that I would experience that terrible hurt again, afraid that I would die internally again. I was also afraid of being abandoned too, for some reason, crying in the guard house in Shekinah when I wasn’t picked up at school—I only badly wanted to go home from school, so I think my younger self really didn’t like school despite performing excellently in academics. I remember getting a scar on my knee—still visible to this day—because I fell down trying to run to my mom who I think vaguely made my sister and I think that she was going to leave us—so that makes my mom a huge component of my fear of being abandoned. It happened earlier than school, I think. I remember the sensation of having a fresh scar—that first ouchie when you realize your life is largely not within your control and that pain can attack you from anywhere at any time. 1. It’s an answer all right. My anxiety is a main theme of my life. It means it was both my mom and dad’s careless actions that had a snowballing effect on my psyche. They really were the cause of my problems that all erupted in 2019. That means somehow, it was Father-Mother the Possibility that somehow had something wrong with it—something evil that was careless. I guess God is still talking to me after all (I was again, afraid—lol, anxiety again) when I thought I was finally abandoned for talking about myself as a Main Star like Jesus—I cannot claim to be Jesus because the Bible itself is mostly/mainly about Jesus—and I have no Logos stake that is _that_ huge yet. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. Women who are completely straight probably do not experience the same type of anguish as I do when I envy a really fuckable face-body. Of course not, they have no clue how bodies and gestures affect men. They are not inducted into that lived experience like bisexual people—who know everything and more. Being bisexual grants you a wider view—this is my naked eye theory again about being an Egg who has seen too much—of society and how it functions especially in sexual dynamics. It’s because you understand both POVs simultaneously. You can be a girl, but you can also functionally be a guy too. I have a feeling that those guys who are extremely insecure are a little gay too i.e. not completely straight for them to feel _that_ much sexual jealousy because their bodies just know and recognize a handsome or threatening alpha (or they could have just grown up poor and/or ugly). ### Teaching/Repentance/Worship 🛐 The Wedding at Cana, described in John 2:1-12, is **the first miracle of Jesus, where he transformed water into high-quality wine at a wedding feast in Galilee**. Attended by Jesus, Mary, and his disciples, this act saved the hosts from embarrassment, showcased his divine power, and sanctified marriage. The miracle serves as a sign of joy, abundance, and the beginning of his public ministry. **[GotQuestions.org](http://GotQuestions.org) +5** **Key Details of the Miracle** - **The Problem:** The wine ran out, which in1st-century Jewish culture was a significant social crisis, as wedding feasts could last for seven days. - **The Action:** At Mary's request, Jesus instructed servants to fill six stone water jars (used for ritual purification) with water, which he then turned into wine. - **The Result:** The master of the banquet remarked that this wine was superior to the first, as it was customary to serve the best wine first. - **Significance:** This miracle, referred to as a "sign" in the Gospel of John, revealed Jesus's glory and led his disciples to believe in him. **[Holyart.com](http://Holyart.com) +5** Holyart.com **Symbolism and Meaning** - **Sanctification of Marriage:** By attending and performing his first miracle at a wedding, Jesus demonstrates his approval of marriage as a sacred covenant. - **Transformation:** The transformation of water into wine symbolizes the transition from the Old Covenant (ritual water) to the New Covenant of grace and joy (new wine). - **Divine Bridegroom:** The miracle positions Jesus as the "bridegroom" providing for his people, echoing Old Testament imagery of God as the provider of a messianic banquet. - **Abundance and Joy:** The vast quantity of wine (estimated at 120–180 gallons) signifies the abundant grace and joy brought by Jesus