Note 7/8/26: This was when I was heavily flirting with the idea of a "Satan's Corporation" for the other side of the coin of the Godhead's First Family, way before I realized it has to contain figures from the Bible too like Judas. Now I'm not too sure about calling it a Corporation anymore. I'm also really sad because I thought I was happier this month, when it was all mania's doing. --- ### Dreams 🧫 No dreams that I can recall. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. My assumption was that there is a mental/emotional difference between male psychology and being a woman. Suppose there is no difference, so trans women also want to become a more powerful feminine. They already are women to themselves and most people who affirm their gender identity, and there really isn’t anything that makes a woman a woman, but that female sex organs just make you female. You can customize everything about being a woman, except sex organs, and you have wild variations anyway. So between Jesus being an all-powerful God, and humanity, what would God have thought about it? He identified as a Person, the Person of persons. That much anyone can agree on. They are a Person who speaks with Language that has Meaning. That is like a basic definition of a Person. They wanted to connect with humanity, to become a “more powerful” material Person in the form of humans, so They gave up some of Their power to gain a different power, same with trans women who gave up their manhood for womanhood, trading different powers that are not quite miscible. 2. Get clear on what the precise definition of that interface between reality and language is, where mediation/différance occurs, and quantum stuff happens, where Both and Neither exist in undetermined unsettled states, maybe God’s unity-disunity is found there. Until somebody reconciles the ideas around the impossible simplification of ALL and Separate Persons all at once. God working as Persons of the Duodenity while still remaining fully God. How can all of Them have identities that are reasonably partitioned while still remaining fully God—or is this for humanity’s sake? What exactly does God mean when They say we are image-bearers? Does that mean They really function as a Grand Family Structure? Or is it just dressing again? An image of what exactly? What is a Person when it comes to Godhood? A story/narrative? A Real World definition? Something we cannot hope to understand in this lifetime? Maybe it really is a Central Brain. Maybe it’s just something simple like Desire with a capital D. A longing and a Hope for a Satisfaction. And yet God is fully complete and doesn’t need us anyway, but why would They create us in the first place? The fullness of God was always there, but They decided to create humanity not because we are incidental—we are also very important to God seeing as They literally died for us because we were worth it to Them—and that God somehow longed for us to be complete in Them. Not that They were incomplete. It was always a desire to share something, to give something to us, to glory in the fact that we are glorying together with Them. Somehow this is not quite a needy God in the sense that They could lack something—but that Their completion and fullness somehow hinges on the Fact of humanity existing. God possibly cannot “see” Themselves without us. They need us, in a way, we are fundamental to the entirety of God, or that They want us and desire us back. We are small mirrors of God reflecting Their light and nobody in the universe could have experienced God but us in the fullest way possible. 3. Dissociative Identity Disorder = Key to Many-in-One conception of God? One body, many identities. So that’s how unity of God ought to be conceptualized? Only, DID forms under trauma. What about God’s unity had to be contingent on trauma of a kind for Them to be split in differences or différance? This-not-that mediation/interface between language and reality. This is the reason why we are split into many consciousnesses but act as one humanity in the end = a collective consciousness. They are a collective consciousness with different functions (sort of like DID—to protect, to manage (the Apparently Normal Part), to hold traumatic memory, etc.). Identity to Them might only work because They created humanity to have different identities through material bodies, except what separates Them from each other? Are They truly separate if They have no bodies? What differentiates Them or holds Them against another so that there’s a difference? Is it memory? Is it experiences (the specific experiences granted to one identity but not another), is it a function (specific duty or collection of Affinity)? In that case, self-hatred (what functioned behind Audrey Hale) is also key. Why would you hate yourself—your/Their own kind in a collective way (for all the harm, for all the pain they put you through)—but the reason that you want your own kind—in this case, Audrey Hale apparently hated white people and was afraid of being branded a racist—to pay for the fact that they have caused you great pain. Seems like this fundamental hatred—a twisted self-love or Philautia, springing from overvaluing other people’s value more than your own—is a big reason or main factor why Jesus was sent to Earth in the first place. God hated Satan for a good reason—one of Their own kind—that They were persuaded to basically kill off an important part of Themselves—Jesus Christ—to save Their creations. This was always the reason why Jesus Christ holds an importance to the Godhead so much more than the others—to end predation, the Wolf had to commit the biggest error seemingly—appear to hate themselves so bad because They love what other people thought more, that the wolf valued other people more than Themselves. Aside from the glorious—that there was a purpose to my overwhelming human-flavored self-hatred, and possibly, Audrey Hale’s, that was why they were seemingly given carte blanche over children’s lives—there really seems a way out of the mystery why They were all split anyway—the Great Trauma of all Traumas that led God to conceive of Adam and Eve in the first place—the apparent reason why there seems to be a flaw of sin in humanity—because it was inevitable to exist there by design—because something traumatized God so bad that all Their creations after Satan’s vanity/narcissism just had to be flawed _and_ got ruined by Satan again—who couldn’t help Themselves from being evil again as They are wont to do. Something so evil had to have happened to Israel too—Jews being systematically killed in the millions by Germans—of all people, Mike’s affinity—there must be a reason why they ought to be associated with Evil (if Israel is the Chosen One, Germany is the Main Antagonist and maybe I am wrongheaded to include them in the Top 10 On Deck together with Italy? Maybe, but don’t forget other countries allied together with Germany to kill Jews too—so it’s somehow all of the world too). Israel, just like God, had to be exposed to overwhelming evil that it is somehow natural for them, even inevitable, to do the kind of evil they do now to Gaza. This is why Israel will still have a hold in God’s heart in the end, because they are the material symbol of God’s partitioning—why there had to be specifically anointed people on Earth, with specific properties, with specific functions, that reflect Them in a Heavenly way that only materiality would explain to ourselves and make God intelligible to humanity in the first place. This story is inseparable—down to Jesus Christ in the beginning—from the entire eventual history of mankind, but it may be that it is one Story of God—out of many possible stories that include other aliens—the MTO world with the time travel possibilities and the multiversal possibilities. Jesus Christ is our Main Star—the be-all end-all Meaning of humanity and divinity. This is the greatest mystery that has now been revealed to me in bits and pieces. Even the pedophiles/pedophile adjacents—my Main Satan—had a purpose, eventually, to show me—even through the mysteries of the leg I touched, and my eventual self-hatred for my own giant calves—that True Satan exists and that there are many of Them, not just 2, but a Legion—just like the helpers who corrupted me through superfecundation (at least this greed appeared to be natural to my child self—although I don’t know what really caused this) because they just happened to ignite that desire in myself from as young as 2-3 years old, that fundamental greed from an age of apparent innocence (that never got repeated again anyway, because I was a very holy child who gave to the church, and perhaps, this was why God loved me anyway despite my greed—that again, never got expressed in real life, but just an ideation during the night or a fanciful thought). Maybe it was also that way with Satan, and the rest of the Angels—they are borne out of God’s fancies from Their own character or an aspect of Their character that got expressed in a way with spirits—not anthropomorphic at all with bodies—but a different shade of consciousness on the spectrum. Maybe God hates—if God could really hate or regret Their past or appear to do so that way to humans who are limited to linearity (because regret is borne out of ignorance of all the options that could have been greater, and implies non-omnipotence)—but then They wouldn’t be omnipotent and perfect over Their own actions. 1. Angels are dream-like, as in, connected to language in the first place and connected to the Holy Spirit, the Supreme Angel. Why they got associated with tongues of fire in the first place is a mystery. Also the dove. Why? 1. Oral. 2. Maybe God doesn’t mourn mistakes or death, that is why elephants are truly just really human in a way—they have a special place in God’s heart because they reflect the best of humanity’s limitations. If octopuses are the aliens of the animal kingdom, then elephants are the humans of the lot, and they also have big calves!!! 3. I’m not saying sexuality is evil, but that sexuality is heavily associated with Evil now in God’s eyes. Or that sexuality had a huge stake in how Evil got expressed in the Heavens and the Earth. There had to be a precocious understanding of sexual greediness in God, probably, of “sexual attraction” that got hijacked by agents that managed to surface these feelings in God in the first place, just like me when I was a child, although I never even knew of sexuality in the first place, no idea what penises and vaginas were really for, no idea of the pleasure that involved them, but that I was precocious enough to recognize affinities with a lot of those men in my early life. Why this affinity? It couldn’t have been beauty—they were ugly, those men. It could have been just common grace for them. Imagine, the eldest daughter favors mere workers of a “rich family” for no reason, or seemingly no reason, but the fact that they were the first males in my family other than my dad and uncle and cousins—not family at all, that is why they were interesting, and not because they were sexually attractive. To be honest, it wasn’t evil at all on my part. It was a desire to understand and take in these aliens in my home—this nascent desire to love strangers because I was pure innocence and found them good enough receptacles of my affinity even though I knew nothing of them—maybe I don’t quite remember what drew me to them—except they were subordinate to me and my family. The fact that these men—even my own bad memory is relevant—got lumped together with the female molesters because they were all bastos to my eyes when I grew up, means that Satan must somehow work in the same way—a group of them that are the Most Bad Aliens in the entirety of the Heavens. The fact that I’m not sure if I got raped or molested by that leg incident, is also a giant clue to this Story. The fact is that I’m not sure at all what happened, but that I clearly remember the leg only. It’s enough proof of evil that Satan really is there—to fool me or to tell me truth about my life (either option is binarily bad—the former, a huge power that ripped my life apart by inserting a memory that was magical/alien, the latter, that I was really abused for real). 1. I wonder how this relates to Augustine’s concept of concupiscence… 2. 8:29PM: Well, “pandamay” or “nadawit.” Remembered without help. Proving the idea that women started this somehow. Eve. And then Adam followed. And that I will fail with Aella because she is actually evil Incarnate. To some people’s view, that is. Anybody who attempts to act like her is now Satan. I am possibly the photonegative-but-not-really version of her. Why are all these people somehow related to Creation? I don’t know. You talk to God about it... 1. I have to somehow delicately dance around the fact that she is going to be Mary-Satan. How the hell? Mary the Mother as Satan?! What in the…blackened!!!! Norr Weston’s idea. My life is an Answer to all the Bible’s meaninglessness as the ages went by. How can I even fathom that at this point without taking pride in it? Always assume it’s for a bad reason, even though I am currently just happy because of social skills today developing. 1. It is possibly a really good reason at the same time. I didn’t deserve this grace, positive (abundance) or negative (the Possibilities around my molestation++). 1. Okay, I have instantiated myself as a Main Star too. Not that I’m completely cutting off Jesus. Jesus is Jesus. Not Yeezus. 9:57PM. 1. Which means…I will die…happy. 2. 2/27/26 2:27PM: I can’t believe it actually. I died spiritually for spirits or Demons. 1. Explains all the random lookalikes that managed to pierce me since then after 2019, on social media, in real life, and in my dreams. It happened almost every day (or every day I think) in 2024-early 2025. Every single day I would log on social media and immediately be swarmed by things that are connected to my Lore even in 2023 at Vista 309 IRL (how can I say at this point that it’s not the same thing? I cannot tell yet fully, but at least it’s getting me to write). If I went out to a grocery store, I would feel very watched by people who stay stock still not doing anything in the middle of the grocery, even the workers. How was I supposed to react (I didn’t, I was just extremely creeped out that I think I walked away briskly)? 2. In case the Bible Bros come at me, I really have to tell them that God wanted to redeem the maximum amount of Angels/Demons too, to the extent that God's grace extends to his Angel/Demon creations too. I’m it. I discovered the Logos. I wrote down everything as if I was Murph transcribing my “ghost’s” data filched from the ether of that tesseract. ### Sensations/Body Stuff 🫟 1. Better switch to a different face moisturizer. Dehydrated skin on face leads to excessive oil. I thought Cetaphil was supposed to be a good brand. 2. Well, I relapsed today with porn. I cannot deny my bisexuality. I wish I wasn’t bisexual, it seems like I’m more tempted just by numbers alone, especially naked athletic dancing women. I really tried to resist the urge earlier today. Will try harder. I would rather not spike my dopamine like this, it’s going to sabotage my ability to appreciate small joys in the first place. Counter back to 0 again. 3. Well, I’ve taken Bupropion since early February or since January ended. I am on track to beat my January record of routine tasks I accomplished (157 in January) by having 27 left for the entire 8 days left. I only need 27+ to beat my previous record. 27/8 = approx. 5 tasks completed per day would break my January record!!! I am so happy that I am on track to beat that this week by a wide margin. Bupropion is steadily making me regular and consistent. 1. Well, 6:52PM and both my ears just released a bunch of air and my left ear started a tinnitus-like sound. I have no idea why. It’s not like I went somewhere (I’m just sat at my computer writing and editing BOBOBEE). It reminds me of the start of “Asleep” by Emily Browning (her version of the Smiths’s song. 1. 2/23/26 8:18PM: GOOD GOD!!! GOD WTF IN THE MOST SUPERLATIVE SENSE!!! Even my body’s random reactions are highly relevant to my life. I’m rewatching Sucker Punch and I’m floored at all the things I forgot about my “lobotomy” that stretched for nearly 5 years. 1. Well, it’s definitely not aliens…”It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.” ### Random(x) 🕳️ 1. Bought a Midori notebook and some stickers to track my work progress instead of just checking e-boxes. I feel like I’d like the texture and tactile aspect of it better—would subtly reinforce my ability to work steadily as I see all these stickers accumulate with my diary/logs of that particular work’s feelings/accomplishment/brick-by-brick progress. 2. OMG Duterte’s trial is in 3 days!!! I wonder if I should put him in Satan First Corporation. 1. So I crossed Aella off my list in Satan First Corporation. I don’t know why. Maybe it was a conviction. If I pick her as my Mary, she is bound to be redeemed anyway. Time elapsed since Christ’s death is 1,992 years, her birth year is 1992. In 2 days she turns 34, no longer the age of Jesus at the time of his death. I wonder what the implications are. Does this mean Christ resurrected means Aella’s evil will be defeated and she will be transformed? Maybe…in two days something momentous and eucatastrophic is bound to happen to Aella—or will be the seed of something great, I hope. Will stalk her in two days to monitor exactly what is going on in her life. So none of the people in Satan First Corporation are beautiful now, except possibly Elliot Rodger. I wonder what this implies too. Will there be no female beauty in Satan’s world? Is it always ruled by the grace of men’s beauty and excesses? Will the female beauty always be safe from wrath? I suppose women being the “weaker vessel” is true in this sense. Not inferior, but more fragile and precious? I suppose beautiful women have it really bad too, despite all their privilege. They are constantly objectified whether they like it or not, constantly pummeled with reminders of an eventual expiry date—like soured milk—while men “age like wine” and appreciate as time passes. Just in time for Lent season. ### Morning Pages ⚜️ So at breakfast I just had a good conversation with my parents and I’m not so sure I want to leave them now. They are flawed people, but I still love them. I will miss them someday. I’ll just have to collect moments like my dad really talking funnily about how falcons slap eagles and would lose a fight with roosters and hens protecting their young (funny actions like his two hands mimicking the eagle’s shock at these small flightless chickens who are fighters too), and my mom talking about hyperbole and something related to God too. 12:43AM 2/22/26: So I really improved a lot today. I got really started on BOBOBEE, and I had a flow state—the first in a long while!!! I have 16 tasks lined up for tomorrow—a full day ahead of me. Wish me Luck!!!!! February is shaping up to be my happiest month yet. Give or take, my happiness level is at 6.5-7.5 (I haven’t really recorded average days, so that’s the range). From 6.2 and 6.1 in January and December respectively. I hope I continue this track!!! My meds and effort are slowly helping and snowballing.