### Hermeneutics/Semiotics/Psychophysics/Puso’y Dos Tres ⛰️ 1. TIL I am also Jordan to the East of of West Bank, because I’m from “Misamis Oriental” the province where Cagayan de Oro is, and “Oriental” means East, while “Occidental” means West. I had a feeling I should google violin guy Cyril Layawan because of Little Women slight rewatch (my previous viewings did not include wondering if she really ended up with the professor, I wonder why, I just assumed it happened truly and didn’t need proof of him to appear in the ending). Layawan means a river of stray animals in the Occidental/Western area. Jordan is also called “Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan” so I’m also Red now, the 2nd oldest family ruling in the Muslim world. I wonder who Dead Sea is. It’s known as “Lake of Sodom” (GAY ANGEL FUCKERS???) from the “biblical account of its destruction.” It’s also known as Sea of Salt or Sea of Death. Gay? Glenn Diaz? Hmmmm….. 1. Something about Juicy “Jordan Michael Houston III” J. Three 6 Mafia in my previous entries. He’s a common singer in Dark Horse with Katy Perry and Black and Yellow ft. Wiz Khalifa, Snoop Dogg, T-Pain. 2. Red is just mania’s color. Obviously. I became fully manic on April 12. I think I “earned” this one. 3. I suppose Mike or Audrey can “claim” to be Red Horse. They caused this partly. I am honestly tired of all these roles handed to me. What am I even supposed to do? These are honorary stuff. No material effects, supposedly. What am I even doing here writing about it? I should be sleeping right now. 12:33AM. BYE. 2. I have no clue what to put in [[Samuel Josephus Kurt]]’s relationship to Father. I have no idea who Stanley is as a person re: “Irish” as in my 2022 “When Irish Became Stone.” I suppose people want me to look at the cover? re: Facebook visit from Ireland yesterday 12PM. Well, it’s pretty obvious to me now—the flower and the betlog/penis. I created it in 2022, August I think, so it’s sex-related just because I felt like it—I classified it in my head as a “thorny topic” related to “birds and the bees” genre dealing with envy with devastating consequences. It was possibly anger-related at whores again. Like they would see the hostility of it because they are not children who are innocent. The story is about a pretty girl anyway who gets switched with the body of a duwende girl (me), experiencing what it’s like to live with my chaos, because in the end, after Irish was returned inside her own body, she really said, “I don’t know, maybe she wanted to be human for a change.” Which was true. 3. So I made Stella a Jesus-type now too. Our former maid suffered for sins she did not do on purpose (she had no other clothes on her, I realize, and she couldn’t go out to buy new clothes because my parents forbade it; she is also poor and had no money to buy new clothes; first thing she did after working a few months was buy a laptop, we had to go out ourselves to buy it for her). She was able to graduate despite all that, despite all her odds. I am not so strong, not like her. I couldn’t even graduate in 2022, but she did. I hope (and pray) she is in better straits now. Clarita is Mary-type/Holy Spirit-related anyway, so she gets slotted into that pigeonhole. She is also a Lola, I realize. I don’t know how yet, non-reproductive women, young and old. Interesting. Grandmothers’ wisdom and the naivete of young girls. ### Dreams 🧫 No dreams… ### Teaching/Repentance/Worship 🛐 Ya’ll. Just because I write morally compromised situations in my erotica like “Catholic guilt” and “Sir” fantasies doesn’t mean I automatically have no qualms about it now or find it wholly entertaining and pleasant. This is why I call it “Mein Kampf” or My Struggle. I understand the depth of my contradictions because I of all people know it’s a gateway to more perversion. Say, you actually marry a professor who finds that they are really turned on by being called Sir by their girlfriend or wife. What if an attractive student has a sexy voice then? Every time she calls him Sir, his mind will drift towards her and ruminate about sex with her. So that’s the deconstructive part of my criticism here, in my own self-criticism. Everything can be unraveled if you think too hard. Your relationship will be ruined by the things you enjoyed. Say, with Catholic guilt, you really find it hard now to stop being turned on by morally complex situations that light up your brain because they’re so hot to think about, someone tempting you to give in, someone succeeding or not succeeding, getting to watch them fight back their strong urges, being a giver…you know, the works. What if a kabit bitchesa came slithering into their lives? She would be cunning too. She would present herself as an exciting option to explore those morally compromised and hot situations where your mind is fighting with your body, and the tension inherent in that is bound to be released in orgasm at some point. Say, high time to stop writing sex then? No way. I have no one to have sex with yet. I can’t switch this off easily. I like sex, the idea of it, the drama of it, the energy and unstoppable urgency, the sounds and warmth and wetness and fluids and probably smells too. So I realized “Gray & Grayer” “two (women) witnesses” saying they will “do a tell-all but denied being involved” in Vico’s post a while back is a “weak hand” (his right hand) pinning my “weak hand” (left). I don’t know, I put two and two together that I would still be able to argue my way out of that one. I could obscure him and his name. Just that I was perceptibly led on by “signs” taking advantage of schizophrenic tendency to have this weakness in the first place. If I could experience that, it must be schizophrenia only, and not another explanation. I suppose I really am “involved” now, and I wouldn’t deny that I enjoyed it and really participated in my own “delulu” willingly with consent (without 100% confirmation, that is). But that when the time came to see other people reading me, it just got too overwhelming. Why would I assume the magical thinking again just like in 2019. I suppose I never learn. That’s why I always function now as if he isn’t reading me exclusively, if ever that is actually happening, as in Real World, he gets access to the entire text (I don’t really care if he reads me entirely tbh, he has his own opinion of Paloma and I’m sure I would empathize with it too because I believe he is a good person). I don’t actually know if him leading me on like this is an ethical thing to do. I mean, people are fine breaking my heart for apparently no reason, just ask Jeffrey, he did that to me, ghosted me twice (and I fell for it both times), and I still believed he was a good person who had a difficult situation maybe or that maybe he felt he wasn’t ready for me. I don’t know, I suppose it’s crossing into Real World now because whenever I come across a post of Vico’s that is too overwhelming or “Real” I get painful heart pangs, just like in 2022. You know, Takotsubo heart pangs that make your heart hurt physically. I just know it’s not Real World now, but I sometimes wish it could have been different. Like why this situation? Why couldn’t it have happened under more normal circumstances? Why is everything happening like this? It just physically makes me feel bad now. I’m not immune to love songs. I add them all to the playlists, I sometimes avoid them because I know it’ll make me ache again. ^ebc530 ### Sensations/Body Stuff 🫟 1. Took Bupropion at 8AM and caffeine just now. 10:35AM. 2. HIIT 10m!!!!!!! 11:30AM. 3. Atomoxetine 1:05PM. 4. Slight pang of horny pierced me 3:06PM, image popped into my head of my lips and his lips just breathing open-mouthed and gasping. 5. So, my blood sugar has always been normal. I am, however, going to monitor myself this week (it’s my first week of using MCT oil, I think, ketones), because apparently it causes keto flu for 1-2 weeks which means I have to adjust by being a little more hungrier than usual (when usually it shouldn’t do that and even suppress hunger), or if I really have sub-diabetic tendencies. I have been drinking 3-4 tablespoons of MCT oil every day since it arrived. Maybe this is why. I have more energy now though, compared to back then when I didn’t take it. So it’s not glucose-related. I also eat very little sugar in my diet and just eat the right amount of food—I’m not even hungry on most days at all now. It’s either the Wellbutrin/Bupropion too making me hungrier than normal as I’m adjusting—supposedly it shouldn’t do that too, but it’s counterintuitive in my case in this adjustment period of starting both Bupropion and MCT oil in the same week. ### Morning Pages ⚜️ GOODBYE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT (FUCK…). I was brilliant in 2018. Re-read my [[All_Writers_GOTO_Hell.app]]. Super relevant that Wolfgang Iser was seeking a path or direction, but then it turns out it’s HIS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, the corrupted strings with Waldo Rank is in Base64 format. Decode it in [base64decode.org](http://base64decode.org) if you like. I even re-wrote it a little in 2025 I think. Here’s the new-ish version: [All_Writers_GOTO_Hell.app.pdf](attachment:9479970a-dd8e-47de-a31f-f5336f5dbc19:All_Writers_GOTO_Hell.app.pdf) All right. So I don’t think I meant anything with the Base64 decode = PGF (X). Or it could be a synchronous message. I faintly remember putting a megalink/mega.nz link in my bio to point people to my links using the [base64decode.org](http://base64decode.org) numbers and letters. I am checking out my FB activity log from 2018 and I was so funny lol. Here are a few gems: 1. Getting stuck in the birth canal was God’s plan all along but a Dr. got snippy and ruined everything. All right. I give up. I can’t find the [[mega.nz/](http://mega.nz/)[insert](http://mega.nz/%5Binsert) corrupted strings here] + password inside parentheses supposedly. Suppose that’s the answer: PGF(X). PGF(Christ). PGF? No clue yet. PGF = Professor (de) Guzman Falgui (Christ) math function. Ergo, insert Christ into “Good man” + “farmer/sickle/agricultural/harvest” ergo Interstellar film. “They have access” to my “libraries” SMH. I’m Murph now? Ugh… I’m also X. Or X Factor? Hmmm… 67 Rizzmas… I remember Paolo posting on Twitter in 2018-19 a bunch of corrupted strings too as “an answer” or something. Ask him? So the question to the “answer” 42… “What does it ALL mean, in the END?” ALL_END, as in IM_A ending the entire program/app because bigti/suicide/apocalypse, or Allen Iverson “the answer” = noble/little rock/harmony + descendant of a warrior/bow/archery/yew trees. I remember in 2021 I really created a fake ID on my FB cover that had Bibble (Bible?) from Fairytopia’s face on it with the name “Abigail Teixeira, which means “yew trees” too. So there. Accidental synchronicity. Except what are yew trees? Yew came to symbolise **death and resurrection** for the ancient Celts which continued into the Christian era; yew branches were carried on Palm Sunday and at funerals for many centuries. Today, ancient yew trees are often associated with churchyards. So it all checks out. My Kanye “response” poem is now the True-True. Cloud Atlas compound word. Harry Potter “resurrection” too. You thought he was dead? He is alive!!! You know what? Grace is a free gift. Ya’ll are Jesus now inside me! I’m Cooper. Ya’ll gonna be immortal too, eternal life! Hooray for Yeezus!!!! Enough with this treasure hunt. I have Real World Real Problems. 12:55PM. — # SATAN ISDA 🤑 I thought I would die… . . . . …with this secret. I remember. It would be unwise to tell anyone about this, but I guess…EH????????????????????????? I was really young, way before school, probably 3 years old or so. I had a “crush” on all of them—the males who were hired by my cousins’ family. They were ugly. I had no clue yet. So I guess me really imagining them as if they were all inside the train on the windows on my pillow was a huge clue to Satan all along. I honestly don’t remember anything. I really don’t remember anything. Just that I felt a leg. I’m not even sure if it was warm? Maybe not? Maybe it was a log? I don’t know. I just remember something solid I encountered. It was solid because I remember being surprised and scared. That is the extent of this DID Primrose Everdeen First-Aid attempt on my life. I don’t want to know. I was just wondering why people are copying me apparently. I just want to veg out and think for a while. Or not. — There are 12 wolves in Isaiah. 🙀 — # DIARIES 👻 What animals _don’t_ seem to do No evidence (so far) that animals: - narrate past events symbolically - explain _why_ something happened - preserve counterfactuals (“last time we trusted that river, it betrayed us”) That kind of **explicit narrative history** appears uniquely human. --- ## A strange middle layer: epigenetic memory 🧪 Here’s where biology gets poetic. Stress, famine, or trauma can sometimes alter gene expression in parents, and those changes can influence offspring. The child doesn’t “remember” the famine—but their body behaves as if the past left fingerprints. That’s history written **into regulation**, not language. --- ## Big picture 🧠✨ Animals pass down: - skills - dangers - routes - customs Humans pass down: - explanations - myths - moral lessons - abstract timelines Animals inherit _how to live_. Humans inherit _stories about why life is the way it is_. Which raises a delicious thought: history may not have started as storytelling—it may have started as **copying the elders closely enough to survive**, and only later learned to speak 📜🦴 # ALIENS 🤔 This has already happened on Earth, by the way. Humans didn’t stop being animals—but we stopped being _only_ animals as an explanatory category. Dolphins, corvids, and octopuses are already pressuring that boundary from below 🐙🐦🐬. **Basically, rape, songs, and aliens/central brain.** # **T/ERROR** 👀 Edit 2:53AM 2/3/26: Each of the three points on a triangle face holds a category (Father, Son, Holy Spirit). It is still fully a triangular shape, highlighting the Divine Essence of the Triune, but split apart into four faces with all of the four each (in each category) entangled with each other now in all directions. **Edit 2/2/26 10:49PM: Triangles are not inherently satanic**, but they are used in various occult, magical, and esoteric traditions to represent specific principles, including the "[thaumaturgic-triangle](https://www.google.com/search?q=thaumaturgic-triangle&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfAiTMTFGuG3aceVcSHga1PqfluEcJfayRUIRh3TrncbeMoZNI_kJCwNk4SmNvAV2OPbD32sxeW0V0aUpO6Gw5cPBckYfWg-nv6ogrZOFz6o2PH1elOS9Mwsk6FJt83LvRmQx67-KuZyCc-_y76aK0LFw2M3W_LUBo05PAryuK78xWrBGqfsgJg2E7kdwTLl47cw4PaxN3WuyVl8dd-SNaefP1q3Bhm7UgbFducPFfa5Tuyo_PhG0jHGeoJE9bDvIhs_yL3poKrZ8OMHU5zp0MP9RZQavu7XPqjBOIbJ8aVrJw&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwjLjZjxhruSAxX5m68BHRUaAmYQgK4QegQIAhAC)" for summoning or the "unholy trinity". However, triangles also represent the Holy Trinity in Christianity, Pythagorean wisdom, and elemental forces (fire) in sacred geometry. # NORTH WEST 😶 I… think… therefore i am. Imma change Their name back to North West. Seems like this was the point of “That’s All For Now” song. Which means North West the Real World Human is not gonna be happy(?). Or that I never make it outside the Silo? Hmmm… # SOCIAL SKILLS D’OH. I should have said to Alizeiah last Feb. 1, “Red really is your color.” It’s her favorite color (last time I remember she told me). I just told her, “Oh, you’re wearing a nice new dress? Did you go out?” Or something like that. She was really glowing. Like, nasilawan ako and it was a dark area of my room.