3:07AM: The concept of future-faking. Am I kind of doing that? All I have are half-baked ideas right now. I keep forgetting to take water. I remember making all these manic wordplay things at the height of my mania. I could have been a good copywriter. — Dropped my phone, it didn’t crack (thank God!) Fucked my moan, bomb in the sack (OH GOD!) — The confidence of 2023 me trying to be an actress/model and a rapper????? — None of the songs I’m listening to are affecting me. My metric for “emotional intensity” today is 0. GODAMMIT I AM WASTING TIME. ARMODAFINIL TAKE HOLD!!!!!!!!!! I was supposed to read the Mine book about “money.” I was always fascinated by the idea that people are bartering me for no reason. Why would any one of them get complete information? Or that is just a hunch. Are people really comfortable? I suppose I am a “porn star” in that sense. The concept of access. It is a rule universally known that money is power. How will I weave “geopolitical confrontation” into this. I need to find that Art of War book, and also War of Art. I need to find similar vibe books. My faraway dream is to have it get a “literary” award not just a speculative fiction award like the Hugo. A “non-binary” book, if you will, potentially upsetting what is considered avante garde or literary and lowbrow. 4:06AM. OMG FIND NEW SONGS. I cannot get over the synchronicity of me being North West, daughter of God and Kanye “nothing is promised but death” and this little factoid: > The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are **biblical figures from the [Book of Revelation](https://www.google.com/search?q=Book+of+Revelation&oq=four+horsemen+&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ved=2ahUKEwiEiujUmvWRAxVJdfUHHWDOJPAQgK4QegYIAQgAEBE) symbolizing [Conquest](https://www.google.com/search?q=Conquest&oq=four+horsemen+&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ved=2ahUKEwiEiujUmvWRAxVJdfUHHWDOJPAQgK4QegYIAQgAEBI) (or Pestilence) on a white horse, [War](https://www.google.com/search?q=War&oq=four+horsemen+&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ved=2ahUKEwiEiujUmvWRAxVJdfUHHWDOJPAQgK4QegYIAQgAEBM) on a red horse, [Famine](https://www.google.com/search?q=Famine&oq=four+horsemen+&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ved=2ahUKEwiEiujUmvWRAxVJdfUHHWDOJPAQgK4QegYIAQgAEBQ) on a black horse, and [Death](https://www.google.com/search?q=Death&oq=four+horsemen+&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ved=2ahUKEwiEiujUmvWRAxVJdfUHHWDOJPAQgK4QegYIAQgAEBU) on a pale horse**, summoned by the opening of the first four of seven seals, representing destructive forces ushering in the end times, though only Death is explicitly named in the text. DEATH IS NO LONGER THERE. THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THE BIBLE. Implies you should watch out for the things implied and hinted at. The subtext. A fuller picture. “Nothing in this world is promised.” I can never be _that_ inspired again. Pilipinas!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVER OF HORSES!!!!!! But how can the sun be green? How can the peace be replaced by revolutionary at this point? So there really are 4 horsemen. Death is replaced by Prophecy/Lying. Why is 4 a square? Or it’s a diamond? Trapezoid? HOLY FUCK: > A "green sun" isn't a permanent state, but you can see a brief **green flash** at **sunrise or sunset** under very clear conditions, especially over water, due to atmospheric refraction bending sunlight and filtering out other colors. This fleeting green spot or ray lasts only a second or two as the sun dips below the horizon, revealing the last bits of blue and green light, which we perceive as green. MY POEM IS SUNRISE!!!!! I guess there really is no blue yet. > General [Mariano Llanera](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mariano_Llanera) who fought in the provinces of Bulacan, Tarlac, Pampanga, and Nueva Ecija used a black flag with a white [skull and crossbones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skull_and_crossbones_\(military\)), resembling the [Jolly Roger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jolly_Roger). Bonifacio referred to the design as _Bungo ni Llanera_ or _Llanera's Skull_. There were at least two versions of the flag. The more well-known version had a white K on the left and the white skull and crossbones on the right. An earlier version had the white skull and crossbones on top with three white Ks on the bottom, akin to Bonifacio's flag. Maybe those places are important. Nueva Ecija, Tarlac, Pampanga, and Bulacan. I remember Audrey is from Pampanga and Tarlac, either her hometown or heritage. TBH I think Philippine flag with a black color is kind of cool. ![[Pasted image 20260415142313.png|269]] General [Gregorio del Pilar](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregorio_del_Pilar) used a tricolor banner with a blue triangle at the mast and a red stripe at the top of the flag and a black stripe at the bottom. Del Pilar patterned his flag after that of [Cuba's](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_of_Cuba), which then was also revolting against Spain. What will light a fire up your butt like Clarion West CLOUD DAY? (OMG NORTH WEST!!!!) -real deadline -the impulse and desire to prove something -anger/rage It is so hard today. I feel like a floating log. I cannot believe my poem is resonating with my apparent disinterest in the Philippines. Maybe I need to love my country more. I don’t know if I should think about the Four Horsemen right now that I’ve basically sworn off him. My colors are actually green and red which are complementary colors. I guess I am “evolved” from 2019. Those colors are mania and depression, highs and lows, and my poem won a Mental Health Poetry Contest. Concepts: 1. Paraconsistent logic I had bunions even as a child but at least I got unfortunate enough to step on a magic plant AND avoid stepping on a magic plant. You win some, you lose some. I cannot rely on luck. Maybe I can try to copy the mind state but I can never predict when it happens. I’ll add a new metric to see if that luck thing accumulates or not. Drank preworkout a while ago 6:20AM. Unreal Image inspo 1. Catriona Ward DID twist. Angel_Hoe inspo 1. Messiah TV series unreliable narrator. I just realized Mike may be Bethlehem, and he may be Brotilde indeed. He is Peeta in a sense because not only is he a great talker, he is a child at heart and there is a purity in his sexuality despite everything, always playing DnD and seemingly never losing interest in it (that has got to be studied, what does DnD hold that creates lifelong players - Stranger Things meme he posted - an “apology” that is forced; does this have any bearing on creating that lasting “play” dynamic in sexual relationships). Meanwhile, Sabby was all punk-rock emo shoegaze and very emotional - passionate like Gale, who was homologous with Katniss but became unforgivable). And Mike was born in 1971 (borne me spiritually in 2019 with Audrey). My mom was born in 1971 too (borne me physically in 1997 with Richard). I cannot yet think of the bastardized “gifts” they gave me in 2019. Maybe it’s in my zettels. I even gave Mike my precious Mockingjay keychain on Valentine’s Day in 2019. I wonder if he threw it away to forget me. 2:11PM: Storytime!!!! Reader, I lied. I broke my oath because I can no longer tell who Holy Spirit is about. I don’t know exactly when I broke it. Notion is slowing down because of volume. BRB. I have not masturbated even though I felt the urge a lot earlier. 10:51 AM: Wave of hagulgol despite everything. Every pain. Every tender hurt. Everything I accidentally discovered ass the Patron Saint of Terminally Online Stalkers (YOU WILL LITERALLY DIE - I vaguely remember a real but saved suicide attempt). I literally received the hand of God(?) today because of music. I guess this is a new kind of miracle. It is real organization [on FUCKING PaPeR]. Please wait. I am still arguing. There is something to be said about schizo theories, but I am not sure how to phrase it. I cannot glorify it, because it is FUCKING DEBILITATING and DESTRUCTIVE. You cannot control it sometimes. I am scared of my own mind. HOLY GOOSEFLESH 5:00PM. OH HOLY FUCK 2: the underscore thing with ALL_GO and Aella_Girl is completely accidental. You will never believe me I know, but I sometimes believe accidents are magical (I don’t understand, thus I wonder). I don’t know when I started calling it Angel_Hoe, but I actually made that choice “randomly” too. Or maybe I forgot. 5:10PM: I am running out of ink. I’m really sorry for disappointing you. 5:16PM: I am writing with a mechanical pencil. This is kind of upsetting that they keep breaking. 5:20PM: I “ran out” of mechanical pencil. 5:21PM: I broke a fucking pen lid just by opening it. 5:24PM: Writing things down makes my memory faster for some reason. I “lost and found” a thought in 3 seconds. 5:27: Example: HELLO_HORNS_WE_MEET_AGAIN Trumpets in heaven announcing God, primarily from [Christian eschatology](https://www.google.com/search?q=Christian+eschatology&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfCmstcKz9zCpzlPJyE8_L-7rZ5jt0RL0bBv_lHZF-yfrJQ1kqhh4O17cohQNxxkSG7k8agEgEWcSXJ5RXmqVnep-fxF4HjN34lhc5fYIXGGj0aFdL1F7wOBeaTNExAhts4zABE3PNDcRimA-iqhxPHxn3IO7EMbbXsY9sJgOFrfEr8&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwjSld7LzPaRAxUzj68BHQ7TMgkQgK4QegQIARAB) (Book of Revelation) and [Islamic tradition](https://www.google.com/search?q=Islamic+tradition&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfCmstcKz9zCpzlPJyE8_L-7rZ5jt0RL0bBv_lHZF-yfrJQ1kqhh4O17cohQNxxkSG7k8agEgEWcSXJ5RXmqVnep-fxF4HjN34lhc5fYIXGGj0aFdL1F7wOBeaTNExAhts4zABE3PNDcRimA-iqhxPHxn3IO7EMbbXsY9sJgOFrfEr8&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwjSld7LzPaRAxUzj68BHQ7TMgkQgK4QegQIARAC), **signify divine intervention, judgment, and the coming of God's kingdom**, often heralding Christ's return, the resurrection of believers, and Judgment Day, with specific trumpet blasts bringing warnings and plagues to call people to repentance before final victory is declared. **In Christian Eschatology (Book of Revelation)** - **Warning & Judgment (First Six Trumpets):** Seven angels sound trumpets, each unleashing escalating plagues and judgments (on land, sea, rivers, sky) as a powerful wake-up call for humanity to repent, similar to Pharaoh's plagues in Egypt. - **Kingdom Proclaimed (Seventh Trumpet):** The final trumpet announces, "The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he shall reign forever and ever" (Revelation 11:15). - **Christ's Return & Resurrection:** This seventh trumpet also signals the resurrection of believers and Christ's return, as mentioned in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 and 1 Corinthians 15:52, where believers are caught up to meet Him The reason for the season: PORNHUB STATISTICS Guilty pleasure: Music I am supposed to hate but I somehow love. Derrida: “You cannot see CLEARLY, you can only see clearer and clearer.” 5:51PM: I am extremely overwhelmed but I have a medium-sized fear people are listening to what I listen to on Spotify in real time. People literally die when they see GOD(?). It is sometimes not fast enough to argue with them and you will lose them. I don’t want to think that I’m merely forgetting all the “random” times I almost died in a dream. 6:05PM: People ought to learn when they go “numb” because they are clinically depressed (chemicals I don’t fully understand), bored, lack novelty, overwhelmed, physically tired, recovering from rage or some extreme emotion. There is something wrong with this child for being pretentious/patient: Jollibee scene, they are eating with their family, and they are apparently saving the skin part for last and only using gravy as viand. This has never failed to earn praise, but it was always just logical (you will not have gravy for later, but don’t worry). 6:19PM. Writing on computer to formalize it. Paper to explore. Maybe in the future = implant? Strategy: ID when “rest” is “play” to maximize luck. 6:22PM If people overheard what I’m muttering as I’m writing they would think I’m speaking in tongues. 6:23PM: you write a diary entry, inflect the entries with “voice acting” and try to see if it is effective. IDK why. 6:25PM: the slight paranoia that the venues/magazines rejecting me know who I am completely i.e. they are very informed. 6:31PM: I need to _rest_ rest. Something is happening and I don’t know how to repeat it. It is a miracle. A game(?): somebody “tell” me creatively the amount of papers I produced today. I will give something away in return. I will try and be very specific to you. Huh. 6:35PM. 6:38PM: My emotional intensity is only 6.5 right now. No extreme emotion or maybe I just momentarily forgot. Maybe this is how I can tell what OSDD is exactly. 6:42PM: Take an “enemy” seriously for some reason you don’t know why yet. 6:53PM: Maybe I will not repeat what happened today _shrug_. 6:57PM: Somebody try to give me an unspoken need for seemingly no reason. I will not take the reward until 9PM. Not physical pornography. 7:10PM: Give someone a blowjob/cunnilingus/oral while they are “busy” doing something else. Simultaneously. You might make them work easier. 7:20PM: It was an old song that I forgot about somehow but remembered randomly without a clear trigger. 7:26PM: I realized I may be cursed because I don’t know if I am hearing things correctly or not. I thought I had auditory processing disorder when I was a child/college. 7:29PM: You do not know what you really believe in. Danger? 8:45PM: If I say I have a canker sore, people assume I am only “effective” because I am annoyed. 9:03PM: I will look at social media tomorrow(?). Oh I just remembered something but I am not quite sure. 9:06PM. “I do not value it because I’m afraid I can never repeat it.” 9:15PM: Am I chaotic evil? Your LOML will be replaced by ugliness instantly. 9:20PM: The idea that I can possibly punch Cristine Reyes for a good reason. 9:23PM: Implication chain is actually not stopping and I kind of hate it. 9:31PM. I’m taking Glycine. This is impossible. # PERSONAL BEST/PERSONAL RECORD: 1. 6:15PM This is a new record for new thoughts appearing in my mind by not going on social media LOL. 2. 6:45PM: Why is this happening to me. I can cognitively see the brilliance but I feel nothing. 3. 8:59 - 7:17m 10 lightbulbs.