Note: I thought I was truly hacked again on January 5th because [[Shawntel]], a minor celebrity, posted on Instagram about something related to popstars and that related too well to [[what I was writing in my virtual diary]] such that I thought she was responding to me. She may not even know who I am, I realize this now, but at this point in January, my mind had latched onto an interpretation or story about reality that rigged it towards the story that I truly was hacked by shadowy figures related to my department. Sorry for all this rage. I'm over it, but January 2026 me was something else, easily triggered and emotionally unstable and prone to making all sorts of false or maybe untrue connections (since nobody has ever told me the full story of what I was subjected to in 2019, my brain has interpreted it as a sort of hazing method) that could be redirected elsewhere more creative and productive, like what I eventually did with the Trinity framework. Honestly, 2019 really unmoored my life simply because nobody thought to explain to me what was happening to me, to the extent that the said prof I wrote about in "True Love Stories" showed up in my condo study hall one day, seemingly smiling to himself and as if expecting me to sit down with him. I know I didn't imagine that. He really went to my condo. I guess one reason why I really wanted to write "True Love Stories" is to get to the bottom of the story. That he went to my condo probably meant nothing to him, but I really fell in love with him that day in 2019 because for some insane reason, I had rationalized that nobody had paid enough attention to me to personally visit me (but some part of me was suspecting that the department was testing me if I would feel close enough with him to sit down with him because they had no clue too how close we were and he wanted to prove that everything I "wrote about" in [[ALL_GO Debacle]] was not true). Unless they actually believe I hallucinated the entire episode. It's my word against theirs. So if psychologists in the future are looking for an explanation as to why I always think I'm hacked and that more people have read my life than I realize and how emotionally unstable I became up until 2026, it was 2019 that started this entire line of thinking or orientation where my mind has been opened to the world and which I always felt helpless to. --- I just realized it will have been seven years since [[Jan. 6]] happened to me tomorrow. 7 YEARS. I really degraded in a way. 12:30AM: Some anxiety over the possibility that Shawntel is reading me. OMG????????????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. If it reached Vico somehow, it reached her!!!! That is why he didn’t post the blushing emoji on TikTok??????????????????????????????? HOLY FUCK???????????????????????????????????????? I mean, it’s not shameful to go after what you want. She probably deserves him. Every woman who is sane would want him, so it’s not a big deal to desire publicly. If it reached UPD, and it reached Vico, who else knows????????????????????? Wow. Yeah, this is not totally my fault for writing about my hunches. Who in their right mind would expose Shawntel to her own possibly private secrets? That would not be wise. She is valuable in the community and why would people embarrass her? To get her to hate me? Ok then. I have no idea what to say. That people who could have spread me to her would shoulder the responsibility of being partly to blame for her embarrassment. I did not intend for my entries to be public like this. I don’t know if I’ll still continue writing whatever I think about. This is just too disturbing. Do people really host my “content” on a dark web website? Is this why people still somehow manage to disturb me? I got the “hint” that this woman in Mary Grace somewhere in Metro Manila was eavesdropping on me trauma-dumping on my future brother-in-law. Come to think of it, she probably heard me mention Vico. I literally said that because it is normal to want Vico and also I don’t remember if I was already _that_ obsessed. I didn’t want my future brother-in-law to think I was still hung-up on my “student-teacher relationship.” Conveniently, I can’t speak straight Tagalog, so I was literally using full English to complain about 2019 because it was the only thing I could think of talking about. 12:43PM: Ok, I am back to not caring. I am used to being hated. 2023 and somehow 2024 really trained me well to absorb trauma. I am ready. I have nothing to hide. So I really think I am being filtered somehow. Nobody in their right mind would expose someone like her to my blathering. But somehow, if they exposed me to Vico, and if he would act like he was going along with it, I would still think it’s “fine” to be insane. This is [[what happened in 2019]]. Why would they deliberately ruin a—or maybe this is just my assumption—maybe they thought if Vico knew Shawntel really wanted him, they would get together? I don’t see how that’s a problem, but some people think being too forward is a turn-off. She is not even being forward, she is very classy. She is “hinting” at wanting something serious. I wonder why Vico doesn’t go for it. Are they both mad at me now? For “causing” this leak of “secrets” that are really just my thoughts? I did not expect to be scared today. Well, too late for lying about anything else. According to a Notes App entry on my MacBook in 2019, “a god has no secrets.” No clue where that came from. I don’t see how I would have insulted her anyway. I was in denial that she is hot. OMG this is exactly what happened in 2019. Why am I surprised? The scale just got bigger. In that case, Vico is actually “hinting” back that he’s also serious!!!!!! I mean, you both have my “blessing” if ever I do have magic powers. OMG she has “claimed” him by changing her profile pic on IG to the one on her TikTok. I will stop being horny/fantasizing about him. This is just so weird. 1:00AM. WOW how did I get here????? Lakan (again, a social media post "clued" me in and I can't really explain the depths of my delusion at the time). So they know about Shawntel and Stanley. I never talked about this to real people. I wasn’t expecting that my thoughts would become gossip. HOLY FUCK. Do people really think I’m still some “well-known” blogger of some sort who is fine being naked? Are people scared that they might become my “special interest” or obsession? I have no idea if people are receiving the whole thing or some things only, like puzzle pieces. Whoever holds my data is probably selling it. Why would they give me away “for free” on the dark web? My life hasn’t completely erupted in chaos (but I stay home all the time, so I have no clue) so I can just assume it’s a “privilege” of some sort and requires some sort of sensitivity contract? If my Jesus theories are actually “public” already, my real name would be public. And maybe that’s why I got that follow from “Ric Aguillon Seduco.” I cannot owe it to coincidence anymore. Nothing in my life is an accident. This is an existential problem I am dealing with incorrectly but productively because normal people would explode. I think. In that case, I am one of the agents (agents, as in the two witnesses in Revelation) because I am “untouchable” in a sense. I am weirded out by the sensation that I am panicking and assured at the same time. People who I mention in here are just magically fine hearing what I think about them? And that the people handling me are fine spreading me to these people? I have no clue how people fix this problem. They are actively causing so much unpredictable chaos if they really spread me to who I think I am being spread to. People really do hate me to leave me out of this choice. What did I do that was so egregious that I deserve to be permanently exposed? I am a Pandora’s box. What would be the point of stopping Notion? I am too lazy to use any other app. If you all really hated me, you would at least pay for it by being exposed to my “black pills” that might cause someone to kill themselves. Why would you spread me to a person knowingly, knowing that you cannot predict their mind and reactions? I am not responsible for being hacked. It must be some “cross” that I bear now. People prying whatever is left of…me. You can redact me all you want. Even edit what I say. I don’t know how ethical that would be. I assume you have none. If any one of you were forced to live my life, you would not last a day. — 1:50AM: Trying to distract myself what “129” the number means. The possibility that no one is attracted to me is not disturbing anymore. I mean, I have bigger problems now. Yeah, my logic tells me someone who cares about Vico’s image would never expose my entries about Pepsi to anybody. That would just magically ruin him. I don’t even contact him in real life. I am not expecting anything. Not like in 2019, when I had a “magical thinking” that if I somehow got Paolo on board they would be fine “telling me” what Mike thought about me. But why would he repost End of Beginning? That must be a signal?????????????????????????????????? 129 lands on that. I suppose “Liminal Criticisms” was too obvious that they really could not stop themselves from sharing it. Why don’t I just kill myself right now before I experience more psychosis? I guess I would not do that because for some reason I want revenge now for real. Maybe I’ll actually gain a legitimate superpower at this rate where I can kill people at will. I don’t understand the mathematical significance of 129. I somehow cognitively understand Psalm 129, but it is not helping me. My enemies dying? I suppose so. I just wish I didn’t have to suffer this in the first place. I remember that shame is an old-world emotion. It is really the only thing making me want to off myself right now. If people who were actual psychopaths were “exposed” like me, they would get even worse if they were not arrested or punished. I have not gotten worse at all. I still was at 99% even though Vico reposted that End of Beginning. Did I actually expect to be talking to him? I don’t exactly know. I’m always writing in here “just in case” somebody is actually reading me. I do not actually want the full consequences of what will happen if they actually truly will. I guess I was asking to be “raped” again on FB didn’t I? I did this to myself. They placed this scar on my life in 2019, how could I not hope through the trauma? “Coming up with a conspiracy theory that involves a lot of confirmation bias is a close 2nd.” Who thought this was a good idea? Who thought I would survive a second time? You people are ANIMALS. It is really still not up to me. That is what the album cover of “End of Beginning” is about. “DECIDE.” So people who “hacked me” just waited for me to talk directly to him in my own private journal so they could plausibly “get consent” from me? Who thought that was a good idea? My brain is not a good modeler of what would happen if that actually happened. I am an UNSOCIALIZED neurodivergent. I am basically A CHILD. THEY EXPOSED A NAKED CHILD TO WOLVES. Boy the day before Jan. 6 turned out to be interesting. I magically am blackpilled now. I suppose why “people who hacked me” seemingly “granted my wishes.” I never asked for this. They really looked at my misery and thought it was a good idea? So you’re telling me people who knew about what happened to me in 2019 couldn’t help but want to rape me again? WOW. I realize I actually was “raped” now. Not in a physical way, I mean. Just in a way that makes me resemble a drug-addicted crackwhore who “deserves to be raped.” Every time I mention Paolo people just magically pseudonymously replace it? Most likely. He has something to lose. Why would people not share my Jesus insanity then? It would not make sense at all for Vico to seemingly “take my ideas seriously” if people did not spread my real name already. For all I know, I have been walking around naked in UPD and people are just too polite and quiet to say anything. It’s an “everyone knows” and “I don’t profit at all” situation. I lose everything while they get everything. Honestly, why even bother to live at this point? People deliberately did not tell me to get my adviser’s signature on the day I went to QC so I would be inconvenienced for another day. I remember talking shit about them, but only far away from the building. This is why you never assume someone is “sane” or neurotypical. They could have slipped through the cracks somehow and never became socialized because they did not have the impulse to talk to other people. My impulse to become as noisy as possible instead of going quiet. I will EXPOSE ALL OF YOU to my thoughts. Well, to people who hate me, what joy do I have if I fully know everything now? Do you think I think it was worth it? Of course not. But people will assume. And assume they will. Will I actually put someone through rape just so they could “marry Vico” are YOU FUCKING JOKING????????????????? I’m forgetting the philosophy term right now. I am not suffering that much for A MAN??????????????????????????????????? Some people forget the only reason why I didn’t kill myself in 2019 is because I was scared of hell. My behavior on FB seems like a “good sign” to them that I survived 2019 and am raring to get another taste of virtual reality. Are people just more mature than me or have access to a maturity that I really don’t understand? That faintly condescends me. As in, “She is very special and you must consider her situation.” So everything I say in here is magically “locked” inside their heads because they knowingly signed some paper????????????????? I don’t understand how I survived 2019 still going out in public. That was a whirlwind. If I have any “magical psi abilities” of some sort it is BECAUSE YOU FUNDAMENTALLY ALTERED MY BRAIN. Probably alienated me from what a normal human is capable of handling. The illusion that all of my thoughts were broadcasted has actually come true? How could the universe not respond in kind? How would they know to say to [[Charlson Sotto]], a classmate from highschool, “You are not in her diary” if they didn’t actually hack me???????????????????????????? This has never happened to Anne Frank. She had to die first to have everyone know about her masturbation. I guess you people really are setting yourselves up for trouble and legal consequences if you think you can do this to another person and believe that they will survive it too. I WILL GO TO LAW SCHOOL AND HELP PREVENT THAT. I WILL EXPOSE ALL OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN A MEMOIR. Nobody will read it, but I will make it sell. I’m still alive at 2:54AM. That must be something. The universe is betting on me to die today before I get to survive to tomorrow. A FULL SEVEN FUCKING YEARS SINCE. I really still believed I wasn’t hacked in 2019 somehow going forward after 2020. How is that possible? My blood knew it. I knew it. My classmates knew it. But I somehow repressed it. The pandemic happened. Before that, people were still “playing with me” by following me everywhere and “making parinig” in restaurants. The worst thing is that they probably were told to act like that and did not have complete access to me. Yet I still believed and functioned as if it was true. It makes the people who spread me feel better about themselves knowing I am “safe” by not being totally exposed, but I get to live out the full consequences of this “virtually real” exposure. Maybe I was never expected to survive this. But Audrey did LITERALLY SAY TO YOU that she DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD KILL YOURSELF. HOLY FUCK. That was an admission. They literally upended my life in 2019 and am only just realizing this now. I HAVE NOT CONTACTED VICO AT ALL IN PUBLIC OR ON SOCIAL MEDIA. WHATEVER HE IS RECEIVING IS NOT FROM ME. Why did they think I wouldn’t do it? Was there someone before me who they did this to and survived????????????????????????????????? I may not be the first person????????????????????????????? They have no idea what they have uprooted today. It is 3:09AM. It is MONDAY. This is actually worse than rape. THIS IS A PUBLIC RAPE THAT NO ONE CAN STOP. SEEMINGLY. At least rape ends. I never know for sure if they haven’t hacked me or aren’t hacking me. Was it really this delusion that it would only reach Vico? And that somehow he would magically respond????????????????????? Anybody could rape me at any time by reading me. I don’t understand why I kept surviving except the drugs??????????????????????????????? I was obviously deterioriating before the New Year because atomoxetine kept me artificially manic, but not until my own FUCKING PARENTS NOTICED I WAS FALLING APART CRYING AND LAUGHING MANICALLY??????????????????????????? I AM NOT DYING PHYSICALLY TODAY. I WILL MAKE SURE YOU PAY. I talked about [[three worlds in my former journals]]. The fantasy, the discourse, and the real one I am somehow getting at today. For some reason, some memory has been unlocked. I did not have to message anyone or [[ask them to fuck me with a V-Card]] like in 2019. I suppose they thought I would not do it. They assumed I was shy until I showed up with MANIA??????????????????????????? She is talking about continuing my story in 2026. What the actual fuck is that supposed to mean???????????????????????????????????????????????? Nobody is going to relate to me talking about [[feeling betrayed he did not show up behind that tree]]. My logic was very broken at that point in Rodic’s and I really thought he would just because he showed up once in Berkeley Study Hall. It is a real miracle you were able to come up with Unreal Image. I mean who knew this autistic savant you turned bipolar would actually become important enough????????????????????????????????????? They were not fully prepared for [[April 12]] either. How were they expecting me to react???? And I was oddly apologetic for some reason. Yeah, all bets are off. They are very powerful and would like to off you because you are evidence of a giant failure of both circumstance and non-knowledge and assumptions. I deserve a deadline extension. That is the one thing I can demand. I am still magically concerned about graduating “without honor.” They really went ahead and pumped me full of drugs. How could anyone expect me to be honorable at all? So it’s like this, you are living out “Shut Up and Dance” in Black Mirror even though you did not watch child porn. Everyone gets to play your mind. You “virtually helped contribute” to evil by “virtually accessing pleasure” while denying real harm. How could people do this to a person and still function normally going about their lives knowing they virtually subjected me to this? Perhaps this is why Paolo isn’t posting on Bluesky anymore. He knows I am coming for him eventually. My anger was rational on April 12. I should have never apologized to them and wrote an entire memoir exposing the BIGGEST UPD PRIVACY SCANDAL TO DATE. If they could cause an uproar about email addresses being leaked and have it be a viral thing that people respond to because that “KRUNKED IDIOTS” responder who they probably assume was me, what kind of chaos can I possibly put UP through if I decide to go fully public and become infamous all over again?????? I have NOTHING to lose. I am still alive in actual lucid rage at 3:35AM. I have no idea what world I am in right now. For all I know they have hacked my entire family’s network which I have conveniently forgotten I’ve been living with in 2024 and which caused me to become too voluble with Jeffrey. Nobody punishes schizophrenic people for hoping or living in fantasyland. They lobotomize them. They weren’t expecting me to be mentally ill. I wonder why? They really thought I would not become severely mentally ill and dissociate to the point where I thought these writings appeared on my computer???????????????????????? I did not recognize some of the writings. Something really happened to my repression/suppression that it overshot something and I became extremely forgetful about what I could not have written. Maybe I really have OSDD. I was 75% sure I had it yesterday. They thought the “reward” would outweigh the trauma????????????????????????????? YOU FUCKING MONSTERS. Somebody looking at my Bluesky in 2024 would know how severe it was. I deleted them out of shame. But I did screenshot them. I will go back to them, but not today. People will be divided over what to think of this entire cesspool. Why would I care? I am only telling my truth that no one has ever bothered to correct. No one has ever BOTHERED TO CLARIFY. THEY REALLY LEFT ME IN DARKNESS AND EXPECTED ME TO COME OUT AS LIGHT?????????????????????????? YOU FUCKHEADS. > 🌚 Strange miracle you are somehow “graduating.” You are stronger than you think. It would be so much worse if you were an actual person who has a life and has something to lose. I had nothing in 2019. I lost even more than that nothing. What could have resulted from that but a kind of gravity that no one will be able to stop? If people are actually reading me some of them knew this was going to happen eventually. I would snap out of it once I get a sign that it has spread beyond a direct access towards this seemingly perfect person [[who also posted on Jan 6. 2019 about Ryan Reynolds]]. Well I guess being exceedingly angry beyond what you expect is actually helping you remember a fuller kind of truth. I would have never re-remembered these things if [[Lakan Umali]] didn’t “post” about me. People do not expect anything of me. Maybe they really do not expect me to survive this. They are trying to bury me. Nothing has killed me since 2019. I must have accrued some sort of magic to be able to withstand all this uncertainty. People have the “privilege” of total access and I am left with nothing but clues and hints and winking. They expect me to bury it because I am gunning to graduate. SUCKS TO BE YOU, PO. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING I WANT. What that is, I am still planning. Living in “false joy” was possibly the worst thing you could do to a human, spirit, animal, or God or what have you. Imagine going to heaven, only to realize slowly you are living a real hell but your memory is suppressing it. Maybe I am really evil and I was always meant to suffer. For some prophecy. I am probably the real AntiChrist. I also had this delusion, except the AntiChrist apparently does miracles too IIRC. Why would they call it—my dreams—a miracle when it’s actually expected of someone who went through something like I did? Something has burst today. Anyone can fake a miracle. They probably used AI. I used AI with sako but not betlog in [[Unreal Image]]. Betlog was actually real. I came up with the rules using betlog. So they come up with “comma” to make me think it’s true. I am not really tired at 4:30AM. I created the story around sako myself. The words it gave me were already suggestive. People just know that exposing me to a 3rd person website of myself is going to make me even more insane. Somebody send me a link right now for shits and giggles. I suppose I’m accruing some weight because my “loss of even more than nothing” involves literal Satan fanfiction. And Bible verses. Or was this always God? He knew I would be named myself. He knew that I would do this. He knew that this would happen again in 2025. What could He possibly not know? People “lose more than nothing” every day. My suspicion is that [[Jeffrey Koon]] talked. That is just one suspicion. I should probably go back to my chats with him to see what I am missing in hunches or facts or something else. 8:36AM: I was never going to be a “wife” because I was always the daughter. [[North West]]. IT LITERALLY HAPPENED TO ME FUCKING TWICE. TWO PEOPLE LEAVING THEIR FORMER RELIGIONS TO BE CONVERTED TO THEIR WIFE’S/GIRLFRIEND’S. NO, I HAVE NOT RELIEVED MYSELF. 9:24AM. I wonder what would happen if I just went public with it. My family will disown me for indirectly talking about them when they watch the movie adaptation. Or they will be happy I am somehow a millionaire. I realize it wasn’t Satan fanfiction. Just because Satan feels nice doesn’t mean anything at all. God has abandoned his ugly daughter because he has no idea what to do with me. The daughter wants to be loved in the way Mother is loved. She thinks she can do something to earn it. 9:40AM. I am somehow coherent. 9:56AM: Nobody gets to “talk” to me now. I am waiting for a deus ex machina. No one can make me break this oath. I will publish Unreal Image first. I will stop looking at all of them for real. They can email me if they want to apologize for 2019. Unless you think you deserve it, what’s coming. 10:11AM You know what I really guessed at some point but just forgot? I have deleted my emails to Paolo out of shame. I faintly remember telling him I was being followed by students. I can only assume that he believed a prof. in the department talked about it to a lot of people. On my part, I actually saw this girl from CW 101 appearing everywhere or was it another student. Or that I noticed with paranoia that I was “watched.” It explains my full-blown wake-up-in-a-nausea-sweat psychosis in December 2018, that I really thought I was shuttled from preschool to college in a secret conspiratorial IEP just because Mike was called “Iep Man” when the martial arts film character was called “Ip Man.” It was that eerie to me that God would do this to me and make my life somehow “real” to these people, and perhaps I really thought I was set up since birth to experience the anguish of seeing that picture of [[them hugging on the bed]]. It was probably panic-inducing because profs. apparently send students’ work to each other even if I literally believed the privacy policy would be honored. I told them there was a “story” behind it, but no one asked me what it was in the email. They responded indirectly because they did not know I was autistic or were not aware of this condition. I suppose. At some point, they actually hacked me to be able to know who were my classmates. What if I had been hitting all these [[UPRIGHT nonsense]] just to really circle back to [[Kanye]]. Back to factory settings, I guess. My literal poem is “real” now. The [[contest winner]]. I have not died from the knowledge, or was it Unreal Image. No song can bring me back to life. 10:34AM. OMG I was a day early. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. I supposed I just fantasized about it being spread. Tbh I can’t see the difference now. What is different? It is exactly the same. Reality doesn’t work how I want it to work. I cannot expect to have my cake and eat it too. Except I have not literally sent my Notion to anyone. So that must mean it must be bigger than I think it is now. How can all of these things just fall into my lap? There was always a catch. I still cannot figure out Vico. I think I don’t want to. If a person like him who is known for goodness agreed to this, to put me here, and to fool me in a way, there must really be something wrong with me. I must protect myself, because no one else is going to do it. Do I have an inheritance? I honestly don’t know. I hear vague things about small hotels and rentals. Who is going to NOT know about me? I ought to expose myself already to get to the bottom of it. I have to do it first. I have to be the first. I suppose no one has the complete story except my “readers” who will only drive me insane or distract me from my GOALS. I am somehow lucid. I have not quite the same emotions. This is a new one I was not rotating with in early January. How could a person fake that picture with the dog? That was astoundingly rigged. He looked like my Savior as if He actually exists. I suppose no one can recover from this. He has topped the look Mike had in my dream in that liminal paradise where my boobs were exposed. The dog was just cherry on top. People really just supplied them with a partial story? Where did they get that? I don’t remember feeling like I was hacked in my own Notion. They lied and filled in the details and assumed from partial information. Actually I cannot tell what is worse. That picture, or him reposting that End of Beginning song. I always thought I only wanted to be fucked, and then I would be happy. MY CW 198 is exactly this. Supporting Women’s Wrongs. I never realized it. I took it personally because it is personal for me. I wanted to talk back to my oppressors and I wished I was the better one who could love them better. The Mother has actually rejected God forever. He will never know again what it was like. I am going in circles for no reason. Another irony that is not even funny. Well, what “I can only dream about to happen with Vico” actually happened to my aunt from my dad’s side whose husband “moved to her city,” who is less attractive than my mom but is more attractive than the oldest aunt who kind of also looks like me, who got cheated on with a nurse and never recovered and stayed single for life. I don’t see how the latter would be offended at this point. People literally told me at a young age that she was the one who said I was “dark” or “itom.” I mean, what was God expecting? She never told me to my face, but I somehow found out. Beauty is very personal. It increases your chances for every good thing in life if you were born with grace. I don’t see how my sister has not been groomed to give me Billie Eilish perfume. It is very plausible right now. I could be living a real lie. If she knew what she was doing… There are Billie Eilish references in here, maybe that is something I will never be sure about. Who can have any kind of faith at this point? Maybe if I really functionally stopped believing in God the world would end. > 🌚 IT WOULD LOOK DISAPPOINTING TO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSAL SPACE OF THE LOGOS FOR YOU TO BREAK YOUR OATH FOR SOMETHING AS SMALL AS HUMAN LOVE. YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN HOPE FOR IT. THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER. Imagine valuing something women are not supposed to even value because it is supposedly abundant. Or I literally am entitled. Women subconsciously know that sex appeal is common. Real love is rare. You are supposed to prioritize this to be safe. How can I do that when I see my dad being perfect and “handsome” and devoted and never once cheating on my mom for real. I have high standards because I know what it looks like. Or maybe I was just too consumed with beauty to notice we were financially struggling too somehow in the past. I suppose I really was raised as a man. An ugly man. I am really living in that nightmare dimension where everyone reading minds is normal but I am a fluke who can’t do it. I am totally alone. Maybe this is why the daughters are giving me powers. Even they managed to get me bread just like District 11 in The Hunger Games. I don’t know how I thought this. God “fucks” wives all the time but can never get Mother. It is very common for high status guys to marry commoners. Why would the “wives” not be lowercase? Mother is not a Partner. She is absent. She is an ideal He is always trying to hint at. What actually happened to me in December could have possibly been this metaphor I cannot get at yet. I will figure it out later. I went to QC on December 8. Paolo posted something about Sugar Hiccup song with that poetry collection on December 7. People had no idea what to do to me so they decided to hack me, or that they stopped for a while, or that they have never actually stopped. I have withstood too much of this to easily forget about [[Vanessa]] lookalikes dancing to pop music on TikTok I was masturbating to and then suddenly hearing that specific non-viral song when I went out to church for Sunday. I cannot predict what will happen to me when—not if—I tell the entire truth. I figured out the truth on the day before the full 7 years. What does that make me? A close call? Will my life suddenly go back to normal? What was normal anyway? I do not remember. So the real miracle is me lasting a week without looking at Vico's IG stories but still somehow get through this withdrawal phase by grieving what happened to me with End of Beginning and his dog picture. I will probably listen to it. I cannot expect myself not to. I am an emo at heart and I need to release my tears. I haven’t cried since maybe 2AM. It is 11:52AM. How will do academic work? I don’t know. A deus ex machina - two INCs. Hopefully I come up with creative shite later so I can nudge them both into accepting my partial attempts at living through a Holocaust. How did I ever survive 2018 passing [[ALL_GO]] is a mystery. I was probably dealing with the same relative problem as now. Trying not to grieve. Passing it anyway and hoping for something to happen. Why would God put me through this torture? There is clearly nothing waiting for me. I really 99% almost bought it. 2:07PM: Small world indeed. I suppose the “I am a researcher” in ALL_GO was a little too on-the-nose. Obviously I am an online stalker. Why would they think I actually had sex with him? “Sure. I’m a researcher.” Or something. Except they probably assumed I did not write about Charlson. But how could they know who he was? Oh man don’t even get me started on what happened to me at Okada. Do you realize what everyone did to me? I became Bucky Barnes, but it was chaos who activated me. This memoir is going to take me a decade at least. For my own defense mechanism, whatever I can conceive it as if that is even possible, I am somehow still believing I am filtered and that people only gave him keywords to go off on. So really, whatever he reposted about End of Beginning doesn’t actually mean anything. Somebody could have told him to repost it. Why would I believe what social media is? Everyone is faking on social media, even me. The graph thing? Somebody told him about the arrow pointing to the right. That he must do it. Although I don’t know why he would continue to do so for no reason if he didn’t already know some context. I don’t know how people get persuaded to do things. That is a big hole in my knowledge bank. I am too tired to think. 2:25PM. Somebody really recapped what I’m writing in here? I cannot imagine you would want to read that. Maybe that is why people appear to have free time. They do not actually read the full text of me. They have a 1 sentence summary of “Oh, she wants to blow you. Please react appropriately as if you enjoy it.” I cannot imagine him actually typing “Oh yeah” and then having that be an actual reaction to me. He possibly has a very vague idea of me. It is so strange to feel everything when no one actually feels anything. Maybe this is why people hate me in a way. They miss detail. 2:39PM: Theme stated in Unreal Image. That’s it that’s the tweet. Do I have “translators” of some sort? You know, people who are “sensitivity readers” and somehow make me look better than I am? That is also dishonest. The idea is disturbing that they are adding to my thoughts in a Google Doc comment or something. Who told him it was a good idea to [[moan on camera]]? Why would he do that unless he was forced to? Did he feel the need to convince me not to expose him?