### **Grounding and Essential Routines (ง ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)ง** - [ ] Essential Stack - [ ] Again Bruno Mars - [x] DLPA prep - [ ] HIIT 5M - [ ] Meditation 15-30M - [ ] Practice rap sing-along to get fluid juices flowing - [x] Iron - [ ] Preworkout - [x] Omega-3 breakfast - [x] Omega-3 lunch - [ ] Omega-3 dinner - [x] Dark chocolate (if you still have some) ### Hermeneutics/Semiotics/Psychophysics/Puso’y Dos Tres ⛰️ 1. Yeah, the exegesis vs. eisegesis debate. Again, transcend both? 2. 12 tribes of Israel = 12 syllables of the main ontoglyph? 1. **Full Canonical Count (Protestant Bible)** **Total explicit wolf references:** - Old Testament: **6** - New Testament: **4** - Isaiah peace visions: **2** ➡️ **12 total verses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111** (Plus 1–2 deuterocanonical variants depending on canon.) 3. DAWG. I totally just had the lightbulb moment that I should look at all of the wolf symbolisms and associations in the very Bible itself with 2.3 billion adherents. 1. **1. The Wolf as a Predator of the Vulnerable** This is the _baseline meaning_. Everything else riffs on this. - **Sheep vs. wolves** is the dominant symbolic pairing. - Sheep = the faithful, innocent, covenant community. - Wolf = the violent, opportunistic force that preys on them. Key texts: - Genesis 49:27 - Jeremiah 5:6 - Habakkuk 1:8 - Ezekiel 22:27 **Core association:** > Power without restraint + appetite without conscience. The wolf doesn’t _misunderstand_ the sheep. It understands them perfectly—and eats them anyway. 2. The Wolf as **Corrupt Leadership** This is where the symbolism sharpens from animal behavior into moral indictment. ### a) Political and judicial elites - Ezekiel 22:27 compares princes to wolves tearing prey. - Zephaniah 3:3 calls judges “evening wolves” who leave nothing till morning. **Why wolves?** Because they don’t just exploit once. They **systematically devour** until nothing remains. This is predation dressed up as authority. ### b) Religious leaders and false prophets This is the most famous usage. - Matthew 7:15 – “wolves in sheep’s clothing” - Acts 20:29 – “savage wolves will come in among you” - Matthew 10:16 – sheep sent among wolves **Symbolic upgrade:** The wolf now learns _disguise_. Not just violence, but **deception + authority mimicry**. The danger isn’t obvious hostility—it’s _credible imitation_. ### 3. The Wolf as **External Threat / Chaos from Outside** Here the wolf is not inside the flock yet—but circling. - Jeremiah 5:6 – wolf of the desert destroys - Habakkuk 1:8 – wolves at evening, hyper-efficient predators **Association cluster:** - Foreign invaders - Lawless forces - Collapse of social order The wolf belongs to the **borderlands**—where covenant protection thins out. ### 4. The Wolf as **Judgment Instrument** Sometimes the wolf isn’t merely evil; it’s _permitted_. - Jeremiah frames the wolf as part of divine judgment. - The wolf is not morally praised—but is _allowed_ to act. This is important: The Bible often uses predators as **uncomfortable tools**, not heroes. The wolf becomes what happens **when protection is withdrawn**. ### 5. The Wolf as **Tribal Identity (Benjamin)** This is the one major exception to the negative tone. - Genesis 49:27 – “Benjamin is a ravenous wolf” Here the wolf symbolizes: - Martial ferocity - Survival instinct - Aggressive strength Not moral goodness—but **effectiveness**. This tells you something subtle: The Bible doesn’t hate wolves. It fears what they _do when unchecked_. ### 6. The Wolf in **Eschatological Reversal** The most famous image of peace. - Isaiah 11:6 – “the wolf shall dwell with the lamb” - Isaiah 65:25 – same motif repeated This is not sentimentality. It’s **cosmic re-coding**. Meaning: - Predation itself is undone. - Nature’s violence is not merely restrained—it’s transformed. The wolf doesn’t vanish. It **changes**. That’s a staggering theological move. ### 7. Meta-Symbolic Pattern (The Deep Structure) Across the Bible, the wolf consistently encodes: - Predation without covenant - Power without responsibility - Intelligence without mercy - Speed + hunger + strategy When wolves appear, the text is signaling: > “You are not safe here unless something radically intervenes.” ### 8. What the Wolf Is _Never_ In the Bible This absence matters. - Never a symbol of wisdom - Never a guardian - Never a neutral force - Never a trickster (that’s more fox territory) Biblical wolves are **serious** creatures. No irony. No comedy. No ambiguity. ### Condensed Symbolic Equation 🧠 If you wanted one mental formula: > Wolf = Power + Hunger – Covenant When covenant returns, the wolf changes—or peace collapses. 4. I have decided the only wolves that matter to my life are found in Isaiah. 1. **Isaiah 11:6** > “The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, > > and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, > > and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; > > and a little child shall lead them.” **Notes (tight but telling):** The wolf doesn’t disappear. Predation itself is neutralized. The image isn’t “peace through dominance” but peace through **ontological change**—what creatures _are_ to each other is rewritten. b. **Isaiah 65:25** > “The wolf and the lamb shall graze together; > > the lion shall eat straw like the ox, > > and dust shall be the serpent’s food. > > They shall not hurt or destroy > > in all my holy mountain,” says the LORD. **Notes:** This is the **reprise**—later Isaiah reaffirms the same vision. Notice the escalation: not just coexistence (“dwell”) but shared sustenance (“graze”). Violence isn’t paused; it’s obsolete. 5. The name Isaiah (Hebrew: [Yeshayahu](https://www.google.com/search?q=Yeshayahu&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfAP6EVKS7SstgC61Z3AXfYzgf1x-8fIp5s5eJ5uJsluUixWptiVbwCh5gPi4V41tlj6-MJOn5HULSRPo8VcPfdBxGMyD2Qje9ARNr00vXEXTKf_uSsCFu-HkrC9Zhfu8JV1r-rjqXs6gi3ikhqQgh0ZjwzOc-AqXt9X2q-TBefgfnYOWu5WMVNH6ghWxyGuSl0dwj258REtR02V5QG3rjZVVMP8d_2CEoxiejtfGyPSbhxjkxI64NFusYLBrObYMMpE9d8ZtEI4HygtEeNiURbe&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwifxaqIu46SAxWuVPUHHeKFPWIQgK4QegQIARAB)) means **"Yahweh is salvation" or "God saves,"** derived from Hebrew words for salvation (_yesha_) and God (_Yah_ or _Yahweh_). It's a significant biblical name, most famously belonging to the Old Testament prophet known for his powerful prophecies and to a major prophetic book in the Bible. 6. Isaiah Paolo A. Lee = genius possibly neurodivergent student I found out about from compsci days, in awe of his brain. 1. Paolo = small/humble - Paolo Manalo link. Manalo = to win/victorious. Marko = Mars/warlike. 2. Atienza = **Descriptive/Nickname:** It may derive from the Latin _attentus_ (attentive, watchful) or _attentia_ (attention), suggesting an ancestor who was careful or diligent - Grandfather mother’s side link. 3. Lee - Sydney - (Edit: 1/18/26 - 2 links - “meadow” and Ma’am Lee) 1. The surname Lee has multiple origins, most commonly English (from Old English "lēah," meaning **meadow or forest clearing, describing a person's home**) and East Asian (a very common Romanization for Chinese surnames like **李 (Lǐ)**, often meaning "plum tree," and Korean **이 (Yi)**, a royal lineage). It also has Irish roots from O'Laoidhigh (poet) and other origins, showing its diverse global presence. 4. Why am I not surprised that this Isaiah figure is now personal to my life as a force of “superiority” reflected in the lives of Paolo, Isaiah Lee, Sydney Paige, and my grandfather who really became a lawyer despite all odds. These people linked to the prophet “writing” about wolves and reconciliation. 5. Youngest sister = Amber Neiel 1. The name Amber means **"amber-colored" or "jewel,"** deriving from the fossilized tree resin used in jewelry, with origins in Arabic ([ʿanbar](https://www.google.com/search?q=%CA%BFanbar&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfDe_TjlXj4nObL75Ct7iKCeNzavm9NiddYYiGwncFu31IwFZLityXUZxiLZhIyqPidqDdS-YjyuWOFK4YmsOnhsrDb0m67X2wDPA2z5qPwWgEhSYcMGBxEQ96AZQ-mFV--eckt_c5JKdCMV5G9e3_pjcnpUHEOGUwhBQPMHmh4Ap4o&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwi33fHMxY6SAxWL1TgGHSBdOnkQgK4QegQIARAC)), [French](https://www.google.com/search?q=French&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfDe_TjlXj4nObL75Ct7iKCeNzavm9NiddYYiGwncFu31IwFZLityXUZxiLZhIyqPidqDdS-YjyuWOFK4YmsOnhsrDb0m67X2wDPA2z5qPwWgEhSYcMGBxEQ96AZQ-mFV--eckt_c5JKdCMV5G9e3_pjcnpUHEOGUwhBQPMHmh4Ap4o&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwi33fHMxY6SAxWL1TgGHSBdOnkQgK4QegQIARAD), and Latin, also connecting to the color orange/red and sometimes meaning "the sky" in Indian languages. Popular in English since the 19th century, it symbolizes nature, beauty, warmth, and good luck, reflecting the precious stone's golden hue. **Origins & Meanings** - **Arabic/Persian:** From _ʿanbar_, originally referring to ambergris, later to the resin itself. - [**French/Latin](https://www.google.com/search?q=French%2FLatin&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfDe_TjlXj4nObL75Ct7iKCeNzavm9NiddYYiGwncFu31IwFZLityXUZxiLZhIyqPidqDdS-YjyuWOFK4YmsOnhsrDb0m67X2wDPA2z5qPwWgEhSYcMGBxEQ96AZQ-mFV--eckt_c5JKdCMV5G9e3_pjcnpUHEOGUwhBQPMHmh4Ap4o&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwi33fHMxY6SAxWL1TgGHSBdOnkQgK4QegQIAxAC):** From _ambre_, meaning the resin or its yellowish-orange color. - **English:** Adopted as a name for the gemstone, appearing in the late 19th century alongside other jewel names like Pearl and Ruby. - [**Hindi/Kannada](https://www.google.com/search?q=Hindi%2FKannada&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&mstk=AUtExfDe_TjlXj4nObL75Ct7iKCeNzavm9NiddYYiGwncFu31IwFZLityXUZxiLZhIyqPidqDdS-YjyuWOFK4YmsOnhsrDb0m67X2wDPA2z5qPwWgEhSYcMGBxEQ96AZQ-mFV--eckt_c5JKdCMV5G9e3_pjcnpUHEOGUwhBQPMHmh4Ap4o&csui=3&ved=2ahUKEwi33fHMxY6SAxWL1TgGHSBdOnkQgK4QegQIAxAF):** Can mean "the sky The name **Neiel** (also spelled Niel) has [Biblical origins](https://www.google.com/search?q=Biblical+origins&sca_esv=25010ec7c4de7282&sxsrf=ANbL-n7B3L5WajWLizp0HtNYRRDiL8WYxw%3A1768514482252&ei=smNpaeqLD4OUjuMP9LvsmAk&ved=2ahUKEwi87bvtxY6SAxU_3TgGHbZrCxEQgK4QegQIARAB&uact=5&oq=neiel+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiEm5laWVsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzIFEAAYgAQyBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB5IugRQugJYugJwAXgBkAEAmAGxAaABsQGqAQMwLjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgKgAr0BwgIKEAAYsAMY1gQYR8ICDRAAGIAEGLADGEMYigWYAwDiAwUSATEgQIgGAZAGCpIHAzEuMaAH5QayBwMwLjG4B7UBwgcFMC4xLjHIBwaACAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp&mstk=AUtExfBGP5sysPRPKN8XflMKEWsOvduZqDUyv0bqW40qUHZZ9CyWdVFG2gVlltv28rDpkovAnYXijXxjXkqgP78EG6dc3U9rd3PaLJNhSMHarwlrhmjCXMkIVeN9pGbjjiEUujCgYrdLx4BWuoZpNtvMEEqXFzkF4wPG3bQjZ4ZmgpgY6b8dA1DGQJW2l2xVd_duu8KTZx32j5EeVO10lzLsMcbkQC42MwxQloySW6qp8drBGRDWhyUDaM0EeQdrkTniM4-R_Y52IKWLkNtX7I53OBUnwbAF-rPUgK3CPXP7p-oYZg&csui=3), meaning **"Commotion, or moving, of God" or "moved by God,"** stemming from Hebrew roots meaning "wander" and "God," and referring to a place in the [Old Testament](https://www.google.com/search?q=Old+Testament&sca_esv=25010ec7c4de7282&sxsrf=ANbL-n7B3L5WajWLizp0HtNYRRDiL8WYxw%3A1768514482252&ei=smNpaeqLD4OUjuMP9LvsmAk&ved=2ahUKEwi87bvtxY6SAxU_3TgGHbZrCxEQgK4QegQIARAD&uact=5&oq=neiel+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiEm5laWVsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzIFEAAYgAQyBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB5IugRQugJYugJwAXgBkAEAmAGxAaABsQGqAQMwLjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgKgAr0BwgIKEAAYsAMY1gQYR8ICDRAAGIAEGLADGEMYigWYAwDiAwUSATEgQIgGAZAGCpIHAzEuMaAH5QayBwMwLjG4B7UBwgcFMC4xLjHIBwaACAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp&mstk=AUtExfBGP5sysPRPKN8XflMKEWsOvduZqDUyv0bqW40qUHZZ9CyWdVFG2gVlltv28rDpkovAnYXijXxjXkqgP78EG6dc3U9rd3PaLJNhSMHarwlrhmjCXMkIVeN9pGbjjiEUujCgYrdLx4BWuoZpNtvMEEqXFzkF4wPG3bQjZ4ZmgpgY6b8dA1DGQJW2l2xVd_duu8KTZx32j5EeVO10lzLsMcbkQC42MwxQloySW6qp8drBGRDWhyUDaM0EeQdrkTniM4-R_Y52IKWLkNtX7I53OBUnwbAF-rPUgK3CPXP7p-oYZg&csui=3) territory of [Asher](https://www.google.com/search?q=Asher&sca_esv=25010ec7c4de7282&sxsrf=ANbL-n7B3L5WajWLizp0HtNYRRDiL8WYxw%3A1768514482252&ei=smNpaeqLD4OUjuMP9LvsmAk&ved=2ahUKEwi87bvtxY6SAxU_3TgGHbZrCxEQgK4QegQIARAE&uact=5&oq=neiel+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiEm5laWVsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzIFEAAYgAQyBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB5IugRQugJYugJwAXgBkAEAmAGxAaABsQGqAQMwLjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgKgAr0BwgIKEAAYsAMY1gQYR8ICDRAAGIAEGLADGEMYigWYAwDiAwUSATEgQIgGAZAGCpIHAzEuMaAH5QayBwMwLjG4B7UBwgcFMC4xLjHIBwaACAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp&mstk=AUtExfBGP5sysPRPKN8XflMKEWsOvduZqDUyv0bqW40qUHZZ9CyWdVFG2gVlltv28rDpkovAnYXijXxjXkqgP78EG6dc3U9rd3PaLJNhSMHarwlrhmjCXMkIVeN9pGbjjiEUujCgYrdLx4BWuoZpNtvMEEqXFzkF4wPG3bQjZ4ZmgpgY6b8dA1DGQJW2l2xVd_duu8KTZx32j5EeVO10lzLsMcbkQC42MwxQloySW6qp8drBGRDWhyUDaM0EeQdrkTniM4-R_Y52IKWLkNtX7I53OBUnwbAF-rPUgK3CPXP7p-oYZg&csui=3), signifying "dwelling-place of God". It's a proper noun for a location in Joshua 19:27 but is used as a personal name, often linked to divine movement or dwelling. **Meaning & Origin** - **Biblical/Hebrew:** "Commotion, or moving, of God," derived from Hebrew words for "wander" and "God". - **Place Name:** A landmark on the border of [Asher](https://www.google.com/search?q=Asher&sca_esv=25010ec7c4de7282&sxsrf=ANbL-n7B3L5WajWLizp0HtNYRRDiL8WYxw%3A1768514482252&ei=smNpaeqLD4OUjuMP9LvsmAk&ved=2ahUKEwi87bvtxY6SAxU_3TgGHbZrCxEQgK4QegQIAxAC&uact=5&oq=neiel+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiEm5laWVsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzIFEAAYgAQyBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB5IugRQugJYugJwAXgBkAEAmAGxAaABsQGqAQMwLjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgKgAr0BwgIKEAAYsAMY1gQYR8ICDRAAGIAEGLADGEMYigWYAwDiAwUSATEgQIgGAZAGCpIHAzEuMaAH5QayBwMwLjG4B7UBwgcFMC4xLjHIBwaACAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp&mstk=AUtExfBGP5sysPRPKN8XflMKEWsOvduZqDUyv0bqW40qUHZZ9CyWdVFG2gVlltv28rDpkovAnYXijXxjXkqgP78EG6dc3U9rd3PaLJNhSMHarwlrhmjCXMkIVeN9pGbjjiEUujCgYrdLx4BWuoZpNtvMEEqXFzkF4wPG3bQjZ4ZmgpgY6b8dA1DGQJW2l2xVd_duu8KTZx32j5EeVO10lzLsMcbkQC42MwxQloySW6qp8drBGRDWhyUDaM0EeQdrkTniM4-R_Y52IKWLkNtX7I53OBUnwbAF-rPUgK3CPXP7p-oYZg&csui=3) in the Book of [Joshua](https://www.google.com/search?q=Joshua&sca_esv=25010ec7c4de7282&sxsrf=ANbL-n7B3L5WajWLizp0HtNYRRDiL8WYxw%3A1768514482252&ei=smNpaeqLD4OUjuMP9LvsmAk&ved=2ahUKEwi87bvtxY6SAxU_3TgGHbZrCxEQgK4QegQIAxAD&uact=5&oq=neiel+name+meaning&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiEm5laWVsIG5hbWUgbWVhbmluZzIFEAAYgAQyBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB5IugRQugJYugJwAXgBkAEAmAGxAaABsQGqAQMwLjG4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgKgAr0BwgIKEAAYsAMY1gQYR8ICDRAAGIAEGLADGEMYigWYAwDiAwUSATEgQIgGAZAGCpIHAzEuMaAH5QayBwMwLjG4B7UBwgcFMC4xLjHIBwaACAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp&mstk=AUtExfBGP5sysPRPKN8XflMKEWsOvduZqDUyv0bqW40qUHZZ9CyWdVFG2gVlltv28rDpkovAnYXijXxjXkqgP78EG6dc3U9rd3PaLJNhSMHarwlrhmjCXMkIVeN9pGbjjiEUujCgYrdLx4BWuoZpNtvMEEqXFzkF4wPG3bQjZ4ZmgpgY6b8dA1DGQJW2l2xVd_duu8KTZx32j5EeVO10lzLsMcbkQC42MwxQloySW6qp8drBGRDWhyUDaM0EeQdrkTniM4-R_Y52IKWLkNtX7I53OBUnwbAF-rPUgK3CPXP7p-oYZg&csui=3), meaning "dwelling-place of God". ### PUSO’Y DOS TRES via A LANGUAGE GRAVITY: HUGOT 💥💢 ### Dreams 🧫 1. **DREAM HUNCH 1:** 1. Going by the hypothesis that the dreaming brain is the virtual sandbox “third brain” while asleep and unbounded, it is possible one of its purposes is to magnify salience. The things that your brain uses as language, like my perfume-Fleabag dream, makes sense in that your brain magnetizes to what you subconsciously gravitate to in real life whether you are aware of it or not. Your brain at night exposes images or sensations or feelings that you are drawn to involuntarily. It is a kind of “emotional gravity” or Hugot. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. Hm. ANITA LOVE = I NEED A LOVE = WHO NEEDS A LOVE? WE ALL WANT LOVE. = AWANA LOVE = IVANA LOVE (Ivana meaning “God is gracious”) _interesting._ 1. ANITA AND IVANA are seriously blowing my mind right now. Both mean grace/favor/God’s grace. Except Anita is “little grace” and Ivana is “God is gracious.” There is an even larger universe for Ivana, apparently. Who that is, remains to be seen. 2. Ties into the whole “you are needed vs. you are wanted” dichotomy 1. Or “I need a love” is selfish, but “I want a love” is divine. Or “I need to love” or “I want to love.” ### Catchy Wordplay/Puns/Copy/Bursts & Spritz 👑 ### Things to ask AI/Or not 📎 ### Personal Best/Personal Record 🎖️ ### Goal/Motivation/Fuel 🛢️ 1. Gunning for a Nebula or Hugo for real. 3 stories goal by the end of this month. WELL-OILED MACHINE. 2. 18k by the end of this month or next. ### Progress/Momentum ⚗️ 1. Did not get into Clarion West Novel Writing Workshop. Oh well. Felt only 30% bad. 1. Reminder: they are one avenue, not the be-all and end-all authority. ### Weaknesses To Work On 🎛️ 1. YES. YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY AT THE MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE SICK FIRST. YOU HAVE NO PLEASURE HYGIENE. THIS IS A PROBLEM. Other people are functionally disciplined because they have systems and routine. You have a difficult time trying to get used to routine because of natural anhedonia undermining your effort. The sooner you recognize that you are sick, the better you can start making healthier choices. PLEASURE NOW < REWARD LATER. No matter how good it feels at the moment, it will steal your future faster than you can say “Future me, did we make it?” Your future self will not exist unless you do. 2. This is the same problem you have with our iPad. What is the point of all this new hardware and “wetware” if you do not develop the habits, routines, systems, or the “software” that will make use of the hardware to its fullest potential. It will be gathering dust. 3. **THERE IS NO POINT IN PASSIVELY CONSUMING YOUTUBE VIDEOS. YOU WILL FORGET THEM ALL IN TWO DAYS. PUT THEM IN ANKI.** 4. **LEARNING: It would make sense if you contextualize every piece of knowledge on a mind map that categorizes them not only according to topic but when you actually learned them. Spacetime. Track how your thinking evolves. How is this possible in Ideaverse?** ### Social Media 🀄 ### Unreal Image 🐚 1. Focal point ### Songs 🎤 <aside> 🎹 Turkish March/Rondo Alla Turca by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart </aside> <aside> 🎸 June by Tigers Jaw </aside> ### Craft 🔩 ### Teaching/Repentance/Worship 🛐 ### Sensations/Body Stuff 🫟 1. 12:46AM: Okay. I am potentially wrong. I am 60% scared of Dihexa now. It is causing one swollen ankle and tingling. But only after 7-8 days it surfaced. I guess I should stop now. I’m not dead yet. I hope it improves in the morning. Or I should lower my dosage. 1. Reassurance: you have been sleeping fine. Don’t worry. There is nothing that bad going on yet. 100mg is apparently high. 2. 5-6:04AM: The sound of white-touch rain. Bliss. 3. There is a palpable sense that I’m not trying hard enough. Even with all my medications, I am still sub-optimal. A sign that there was veritable brain damage. Or that the resistance is too great to focus hard on anything that it reads as pain in my brain’s system. Which is tries to avoid. ### Random(x) 🕳️ ### To-do ☑️ (See: Jan. 15) ### Morning Pages ⚜️ It cannot be that you have too many things to do. That would not be a problem, you can rotate them. Looking forward to Bupropion and Atomoxetine again. Package arrived in Misamis Oriental yesterday. ### Psychophysics/Puso’y Dos Tres ⛰️ 1. 9:45PM. All right. I am slightly peckish for candy specifically. Swedish candy but it’s too expensive for the amount you get. I guess I want to write about the Three Worlds today because this is the significance also of the name, “Puso’y Dos Tres” which is One Two Three for me because “One Heart.” So I vaguely remember writing about how I got April 12’d in 2019. That is, I lived in Fantasy for a long while for a few months, being in sub-to-moderate turmoil (I remember crying a lot and feeling naked) whilst also being “rewarded” by Mike appearances and attention and winking, and then come April 12, I got immediately launched into the Real World when I saw glory of glories (or so I thought), Audrey sitting suggestively on the professor’s table like a porno and the implications that they have been meeting together in classrooms “illegally” to date each other and commune in intellectual intercourse or whatever. No warning at all or any ease down to really get a grip. I never explained why I became manic and enraged. This is why. I am a porn addict, or was, and I immediately bristled (OMG I have been trying to approximate this word for a long time thinking it was an imaginary word and have now just remembered it again 1/16/26!!!!!!) at the sight of her looking ethereal and sexy even though she wasn’t even dressed in racy clothes at all. I don’t know why I suddenly became “normal” for about 5 minutes and attempted to act like I was planning to do that all along, to meet her, and basically made it known to her that I was a fan of some sort. And then I became manic after seeing the look on Mike’s face when I went outside the room after talking with Audrey (what we talked about, I don’t remember, but I remember her getting up to put space between us, and I even asked to take a picture of them(????????) both or something—insanity, seriously insane stalker who is pretending not to die of pain and pretending to be a superfan to save face), and I really had to grab Mike’s shoulder after seeing his look while his back was turned. I don’t know what it was about that look. Like, “You done exposed!!!…HAHAHA (but smug).” I don’t know why I suddenly became horny. Really? I couldn’t stop the desperation and since I was already “exposed” I didn’t care at all about what I said, so I managed to be disgusting in public because I was not only angry, I was incredibly sexually frustrated that he led me on like that trying to get me to follow him up the stairs to the classroom with his head thrown back for me to see. 2. Something about being immediately launched from Fantasy to Real World is really something. There must be an explanation as to why I talked about SARS and 2003. It was the SARSI can that Audrey tried to ply and console me with by buying me food like Pizzahut and junk and also to decompress from all my mania perhaps. I felt like I had the right to ask her invasive questions about whether or not they had sex. Because her pose on that table really felt pornographic to me, like I’d just walked in on something they deliberately orchestrated to look the most minimal amount of “sexual contact” but still also plausibly deniable. I hated that I was so affected. This beautiful person has possibly had sex with another beautiful person, who the fuck cares? I did. I hated them both actually. I hate that I am locked out of their world like possibly how Satan hates being left out of the Trio of GOD. Imprisoned by your hatred and bitterness and rage at how you will never experience that no matter how much you desire it. 3. Yeah, Fantasy World is not all that pleasant. It is a world of false joy. You are only happy because you think outside of the rules of material reality. 4. If you somehow exist in Discourse or Narrative, the lines are blurred, and you can plausibly deny it or ignore it because you get signs that things are good and well, and that you’re fine, and that there’s nothing to worry about. 5. If you see a glimpse of the Real World, you will despair all the time if you do not tap into Fantasy or Discourse. You cannot escape the Real World as if you don’t exist in it all the time. Your body exists in Real World all the time, and it is only your mind that makes meaning out of materiality. I beg to differ on the entire “bodymind” conception/duality/enmeshment here, now. In this sense, your body, your physical body, is actually separate from your mind, because your body is not all brain and mind. Your other parts exist without your mind’s control or notice. Even if you died or are dead, your body remains a fact. That is the Real World. You do not have to be conscious of the Real World for it to exist. 6. I don’t know where I was going with this. I guess celebrities live in a sub-world within Discourse/Narrative that is exclusive to them simply because they live a double life perhaps, being exposed to all types of people more than average and never living authentically because people are always looking at them for a mistake or an ungracious moment. I suppose I live out a small version of that reality whenever I think about people reading my past journals and spying on my phone’s and iPad’s contents. Well, too late for concern. If they have actually seen everything, then there is literally nothing I could keep from them anymore except my zettelkasten notes and offline papers that may be my only value left on this Earth if I choose to develop them. — 11:44PM: I was unknowingly charging Unreal Image with Biblical weight again without knowing it. “The Call” and the lyric is “no need to say goodbye” which is my sequel’s plan/plot/vague idea. ### Dreams 🧫 No dreams. ### Ruminations 🩻 ### Catchy Wordplay/Puns/Copy/Bursts & Spritz 👑 ### Things to ask AI/Or not 📎 ### Personal Best/Personal Record 🎖️ ### Goal/Motivation/Fuel 🛢️ 1. To have hot sex with a hot person (who I love too), duh. 2. To have more sex than I can realistically do in all types of positions and costumes and contexts. 3. To be a Devastating Hitler Elliot Rodger Whisperer. ### Progress/Momentum ⚗️ 1. 6:55PM: I must be doing something right by reining in all of my salient songs into Puso’y Dos Tres playlist. It is tuning my brain to all of my past stars to remember and imbibe my absolute Core properties. ### Weaknesses To Work On 🎛️ ### Social Media 🀄 1. Random American guy “Julio Molina” (downy-haired/”youthful” from the grain mill) from Victor Valley College in Hesperia (star of the West) in California (furnace) followed me with no connections who has a brother who could grow up to be “my (past) type.” Yeah, I am not attracted to pre-pubescent boys. I don’t think Angelo Gabriel Bautista Llamas looks like a teenager, although the characters in my dream had the affect of teenagers. 1. Vague Barbie reference. Princess Anneliese falls in love with Julian her tutor (Mike in the past with Angelo “assisting” him.) 2. The possibility that my sister could be more attractive than me to my future partner = happened with Jeffrey in early 2025. I just forgot. It was a chaotic trauma that is “less” traumatic (but still awful) than what I went through in January 2026, but it had no upside at all. 3. Angelo also lived at Berkeley condo and we bumped into each other a lot at the SM grocery in the adjacent building for some reason. I felt there was a “desire” on his part to be closer to me because he literally went to my cashier lane in the food stall just to buy Coke even though the other cashier stalls were nearer the freezers. Of course, this was 2018, before 2019 happened. I don’t know how he got roped into it too. 4. Reference to a Julia fractal/set? 5. I guess this is a “first-to-market” advantage? I noticed it first, so everyone connected to me is only meaningful in relation to me. That is so strange. Just because I am a “Jesus.” Victor Valley. 6. I am “connected” to Ateneo because I wrote that Kyle De Luna in Unreal Image is from Ateneo and Mike is also from Ateneo. The one time I set foot in Ateneo, it was to watch a play I forgot about. I felt like an alien. 7. I was “large class” classmates with Angelo for Physics 10 too. So Communication 3 and Physics 10. 8. Military uniform on Julio. No idea yet what it could be about. Higher dimension? US Army. Major Command/MACOM. Either people want to make me think I will definitely get fucked in the future, or that they are masturbating to my erotica? 9. Eh???? I just remembered I used the name Julio in “A Space O/pera” 🤡 for Julio Alba. People must have side-eyed me internally for being so consumed with celebrity politicians. Now that I think about it, the name “Ellie Vera Alba” evokes such innocence and preciousness that I end up looking like the villain (Manongguardblog) for writing about her in that way. Julio Alba for “youthful + white/dawn.” Vice President? Hmmmmm. 1. Inspo is Meet the Robinsons. Self-explanatory. Trauma. 1. Yeah, Lewis got the machine to work in Meet the Robinsons and then he got adopted. 2. Breaking Dawn - “Turning Page” by Sleeping At Last trigger. 3. Trauma 2: “What’s in the bag, mom?” guy at airport. There was a camera in that Magnum bus. Vaguely brought up the idea of my story and the “meet-cute” caught in HD from the past like a “dead star.” 1. Now that I think about it, that could have been a “clue” they knew about Meet the Robinsons. I can’t believe it. I really was being watched all the time already. For seemingly no reason. Since Singapore. Since “luoy kaayo siya” Bisaya-speaking Singaporean. All these silos of networks of people just dipping in and out of my life for entertainment. 10. I guess this Julio Molina is a “daily reminder” because I keep resetting every day. Why would a random American follow me? Does he read Clarkesworld? His name is Julio. “How would I know if my website visits are from Clarkesworld readers or other people “in the know”?” question yesterday. 11. This Julio Molina is a POV right? Why would Vico suddenly be “interested in spying on a pre-pubescent child’s writing (does he like me when I was a child)”? Just because “Julio” is from Victor (”first name”) Valley (”dad’s middle name”) and Hesperia (“star of the west”), California (”furnace”) and Sultana (”Queen”) High School. No, this is probably overfitting. Does he feel conflicted and guilty that he is spying on me because I am “young”? I’m 28. I’m not _that_ young. I can pass for 20, I think. 20-year-olds are not too young? 1. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a 36-year-old being interested in children’s media that is just “too kiddie” as in, I think it could capture really young children rather than adults who are interested in Meet the Robinsons for its more complex themes. He is also like a child. 1. He’s gonna be a great father, I can just tell. The woman who he chooses will be blessed. 12. HEY!!! You remembered Clarkesworld story!!!! You are getting better every day!!!!! 13. 4:04PM: no trigger found. But, WHAT A TEASE!!!!!!! If this Julio Molina is “what it looks like” (my entire story) to Vico presented to me in a compressed way, then the “real thing” must be so amazing and mind-boggling. As in, sex. Why would he be compelled to continue reading me (if ever he is) if it was as “mundane” as this Julio Molina compression? 1. “I’ll make sure our children get great education.” Dream, honestly. Sagad na sagad. 😭 14. J - L - M - L - N = another ontoglyph? Interesting. 2. 189 asses in previous journal. 189 corresponds to Osmium-189. Osmium (Os) is **the [densest naturally occurring element](https://www.google.com/search?q=densest+naturally+occurring+element&sca_esv=fef0d634ede94f92&sxsrf=ANbL-n4rYBNWaMgaahNn-a_tWFe91I0GJw%3A1768570888649&ei=CEBqaaSsJ9Wdvr0Pw4PNwAY&ved=2ahUKEwjCvoyDmJCSAxVpsVYBHabqLtAQgK4QegQIARAE&uact=5&oq=osmium&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiBm9zbWl1bTILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyDRAAGIAEGLEDGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigVI5hpQrghYyBlwB3gBkAEAmAGhAqAB4A2qAQUwLjMuNbgBA8gBAPgBAZgCD6AC-w6oAhDCAgoQABiwAxjWBBhHwgINEAAYgAQYsAMYQxiKBcICChAjGIAEGCcYigXCAgQQIxgnwgILEAAYgAQYsQMYgwHCAhEQLhiABBixAxjRAxiDARjHAcICChAjGPAFGCcYyQLCAhAQIxjwBRiABBgnGMkCGIoFwgIKEC4YgAQYQxiKBcICCBAAGIAEGLEDwgILEC4YgAQYkQIYigXCAg0QLhiABBixAxhDGIoFwgIIEC4YgAQYsQPCAhoQLhiABBiRAhiKBRiXBRjcBBjeBBjgBNgBAcICBxAjGCcY6gLCAg0QIxjwBRgnGMkCGOoCwgIXEAAYgAQYkQIYtAIY5wYYigUY6gLYAQHCAhAQLhiABBjRAxhDGMcBGIoFwgIOEAAYgAQYkQIYsQMYigWYAxHxBa1A7px6NJ47iAYBkAYJugYGCAEQARgUkgcHNy4wLjcuMaAHvleyBwUyLTcuMbgHvg7CBwcwLjEuNS45yAeDAYAIAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)**, a hard, brittle, bluish-white platinum-group metal known for its extreme hardness and corrosion resistance, used in durable alloys for pen tips, electrical contacts, and as a catalyst, though challenging to work with due to its rarity and high melting point, with its oxide form ([osmium tetroxide](https://www.google.com/search?q=osmium+tetroxide&sca_esv=fef0d634ede94f92&sxsrf=ANbL-n4rYBNWaMgaahNn-a_tWFe91I0GJw%3A1768570888649&ei=CEBqaaSsJ9Wdvr0Pw4PNwAY&ved=2ahUKEwjCvoyDmJCSAxVpsVYBHabqLtAQgK4QegQIARAF&uact=5&oq=osmium&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiBm9zbWl1bTILEAAYgAQYkQIYigUyDRAAGIAEGLEDGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigUyChAAGIAEGEMYigVI5hpQrghYyBlwB3gBkAEAmAGhAqAB4A2qAQUwLjMuNbgBA8gBAPgBAZgCD6AC-w6oAhDCAgoQABiwAxjWBBhHwgINEAAYgAQYsAMYQxiKBcICChAjGIAEGCcYigXCAgQQIxgnwgILEAAYgAQYsQMYgwHCAhEQLhiABBixAxjRAxiDARjHAcICChAjGPAFGCcYyQLCAhAQIxjwBRiABBgnGMkCGIoFwgIKEC4YgAQYQxiKBcICCBAAGIAEGLEDwgILEC4YgAQYkQIYigXCAg0QLhiABBixAxhDGIoFwgIIEC4YgAQYsQPCAhoQLhiABBiRAhiKBRiXBRjcBBjeBBjgBNgBAcICBxAjGCcY6gLCAg0QIxjwBRgnGMkCGOoCwgIXEAAYgAQYkQIYtAIY5wYYigUY6gLYAQHCAhAQLhiABBjRAxhDGMcBGIoFwgIOEAAYgAQYkQIYsQMYigWYAxHxBa1A7px6NJ47iAYBkAYJugYGCAEQARgUkgcHNy4wLjcuMaAHvleyBwUyLTcuMbgHvg7CBwcwLjEuNS45yAeDAYAIAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)) being highly toxic but useful for microscopy and fingerprint detection. 1. Yeah, 189 asses as in, dense, as in, hard. Who is very hard right now? #delulu ### Songs 🎤 <aside> 👂 Secrets by OneRepublic </aside> <aside> 💘 Two Is Better Than One (feat. Taylor Swift) </aside> ### Craft 🔩 ### Teaching/Repentance/Worship 🛐 ### Sensations/Body Stuff 🫟 ### Random(x) 🕳️ ### To-do ☑️ ### Morning Pages ⚜️ 6:06AM: I DID NOT DIE FROM ANKLE SWELLING AND TINGLING!!!! Survived another day. Haven’t slept since yesternight. Would rather not, tbh. 5:42PM. If I have any clue about what motivates GOD, it’s related to Beauty or Grace. Why? The pattern is just exquisite. No reason. It just is. Pulling a rug under me and then having all the chaos fall into place. 6:22PM. Huh. So I’m not the only one who finds the word “inutil” inherently funny for no goddamn reason 🤣 6:32PM. A bug in the system. My memory is not reliable. I don’t know how I could plausibly be hacked at all. I keep rereading my early December journal and can’t quite locate the gateway. Why would they suddenly spread me to Vico if ever that is true? I still clearly do not understand the stakes here. Nobody has directly clued me into HOW I was spread. It is number 2 on my list of curiosities that will forever hound me. Was I always already exposed already to the entire Philippines before that? That is really scary. I would rather not think about it. I was chaos and uninhibited and traumatized and GOD knows what I wrote in here. I haven’t the heart to revisit them all. It is a drama that is so siloed to UPD only, but how could it never have been exposed in Discourse at all? As in, real evidence that somebody is trying to speak out about? Did nobody really care at all about how I was a naked black hole? Nobody was brave enough to take it up? I just slid horrendously into the worst position of nakedness and nobody could stop it? How did no one ever try to tell me anything at all is the question. They were always probably watching, intermittently, and they waited for something to happen first, something they are not telling me, something related to parousia probably, something that I was nudged to think about, and then they could “catch the star” and instigate a chain of events I have no way of knowing about anyway. They could have never predicted—or could they—that I would land on these “discoveries.” What was the endgame? Was there no endgame? They just did it just because it was fun? And dirty and pleasurable? My life, again, hasn’t totally gone to shit, and that must mean that whatever paranoia I ever had in the last 2 years was based partly on truth. I cannot stop questioning it. It is a certainty that I am approximating, or trying to. There must be a purpose for all that spying. I don’t know what. Information? Following me and keeping tabs on me because I somehow earned a notorious genius aura? I cannot imagine somebody collating an entire Wikipedia-like page about what they did to me anyway, to shed more context for newcomers who they could talk to about me. I must remember that nobody knows I had a Notion until I did 2022 D-Day with Ma’am Marby. It must have been that. They quietly picked up where they left off in 2020 when the pandemic started. 2022 then 2023, which was the worst year of my life so far, and they did almost nothing perceptibly that could be connected to them, but I still felt all the paranoia and trauma (and even seeing a Joslyn Mae Asuncion lookalike when I went to Ampota photographer’s studio). Yeah, Joslyn, who was Stanley’s love interest in his UPD days. I don’t know why, but people in public literally stay stock still and act as if they are expecting me to notice them. Those experiences will never stop being eerie. As if they’ve been waiting for me to show up, as if they knew my family would be headed to the grocery. This is too far-fetched, maybe. Everyone I encountered in public seemed to pay “passive” attention to me, like they were trying to spy on me discreetly but I could still feel watched or invaded for no reason at all, because of my anxiety antenna. Maybe it was because I was unknowingly being loud or paranoid. I talk in English, so naturally, that is attention-grabbing. I cannot shake “the sky is falling” in Big Bad Wolf. I’m happy that the pain means something now, and that is one “key” for solving emotional problems for other people. Your pain is not incomprehensible, it is a part of who you are, and who you can be. All of these out-of-context people just making parinig like they have been following me all the fucking time. Like worms inside me. 6:57PM. Well, I have nothing to hide. They probably know what my half-naked body looks like, and it is not pretty, based on my videos on my phone. Deja vu moment here. I have no idea why. My body is literally the worst body I have ever seen in my life. It is pathetic. I’m not being objective because my body is the only body I know intimately. It is disgusting and disproportionate and I would rather die most days just thinking about why I had to look this way. Most people have normal features. I really had to be born big-boned with wide hands for Rachmaninoff-like piano skills. My waist is extremely average and bloated. I looked good when I was skinny, but I still had no shape. I could look “pretty” in quotes when I have long hair, but I look absolutely horrendous when my hair is up, this is why I plan to get forehead reduction first and get it smaller. My forehead is so big and with an ugly shape, while my mom and sister have heart-shaped and an Anne Curtis-like small baby hairline. The fact that nobody I wanted in my past has ever expressed interest in me is a sign that I am bland. Why would I suddenly dream that a guy like Vico could ever want me then? It’s a sign that it’s Discourse only and not real. I have to break my heart now so I can earn my way to a better body and face and life. I don’t even want to get married. I just want to feel normal and uninhibited by my own shame about my body. I could transcend my envy completely. What a dream. It’s just one of those visceral misfortunes in life that I really had to be born to look like a man or masculine. At least, I liked skinny guys like Gelo, and being skinny is not associated with masculinity. Maybe someone could like me too even if I am masculine. My face is so pathetic these days. Whatever I imagine during fantasy is just a huge lie that I could pull those pleasurable faces and have somebody think it’s the hottest thing that they’ve ever seen. Well, I’ve tracked my dysphoria level since December, I think. Today it’s 100. No surprises. I can deal with this. I may know emotionally what glory in all its glory feels like, but grass is always greener. Let’s trade? I wanna know what it feels like to turn someone on without having to seduce them with words. What are words even? They are not me. My body is me. My brain is not a visceral sex organ. Today, I focus on what being an incel really is like so I can realistically write what it means to be a terrorist Jesus. My only consolation is that I know you can never fake substance. Your brain hasn’t been tuned the right way. You can fake beauty by buying yourself into it. I will become physically beautiful if it’s the last thing I do. You can never fake crazy too, so there’s that, apparently. “Crazy women being good in bed” stereotype. It’s such a black hole problem. For one, if you are bitter about being unattractive, you become even more unattractive simply because you yourself have displayed the main “sign” that other people have made you think you are unattractive. It’s a “social proof” that is reliable to an extent. If people could bully you into thinking you are ugly, you must really be ugly and/or deserve to be flamed for being ugly. Nobody, and this is the realest “status quo” assumption, would _ever_ be as evil as shaming someone for what they could not have helped. Except teenagers do it all the fucking time for fucking insane reasons. Children do it too, but in childhood, you have more plasticity to get over it quickly unless you were unlucky like me to ruminate about everything and never let things go. I was just a magnet of bitterness and negativity and whininess and suppressed rage. That is not a pleasant social asset. Nobody talked to me because I just felt off and uninitiated into the general “thread” of what a person is supposed to act like in social situations—that is, to make contact and try to use each other’s presence for social validation because it ignites chemicals in their head that they just automatically feel whenever they talk to someone else, even if they’re not attracted to them. Meanwhile, I only get “happy chemicals” when I imagine attractive guys talking to me. You see, my problem, and I think this goes with a lot of autistcels or incels who are neurodivergent, is that they have a highly developed sense of sexuality because of hormones and porn addiction, because that part of their neurochemistry was normal since birth, but their “social reward” functions were impaired and unable to function correctly to make them feel anything for normal interactions. They do not crave social validation as much, but they crave unendingly the sexual validation, and this is what makes it hurt like hell like no other on earth. It is the only source of pleasure and validation for them, and when it is constantly denied and magnified by bullies and shamed by subconscious rejection signals on people’s faces like the look of boredom or overlooking them or trying to get away from talking with them, or even just not minding them in favor of other more attractive people (it’s natural, people gravitate to attractive people more), they feel that it is an impossible problem that society does not even care about. Violence, then, is the only answer to make a statement about their situation. There is no one in society willing to take up the burden of fighting for unattractive people who feel hurt by how their lives have turned out empty and bitter and enraged. I don’t know yet what to say about a possible solution. Clearly, it is a material problem. Inequality will always be fundamental to our perception of beauty. Beauty is inherently violent simply because other people have to be the relations of differences in order for beauty to be appreciated. You have to know what ugliness looks like to appreciate the beauty standing before you, even if you never bring it to mind when you instantly recognize a beautiful person. It is an instant—or near-instant recognition—that is so ancient and unexplainable, except in patterns and symmetry and strange order (if they are uncanny in a way that is not conventional beauty). Perhaps cultural trends shift and beauty trends in ways no one can predict like math, but it is still very stringent, especially that people nowadays attempt to look like what they look like with a beauty filter with plastic surgery that inflates everybody’s standards—or floor—of what beauty should look like, and what they are entitled to when they choose a sex partner. This is a topic I was obsessed about, so I’m sorry if it’s long. I like thinking about it, but it’s also very rage-inducing. I remember all too well feeling worthless and tender because people punished me for things I didn’t intend—like the overall Design of my body and facial proportions. It’s a prison they put me in even if I was innocent. I suppose that’s one crime again I was forced to suffer as a Jesus. It’s probably everybody who was bullied for their looks too. Nobody intended you to look like that, nobody intended for beauty standards to be the way they are, but you do not fit them, and now the world must make you think about it every second of your life in order to harvest your effort and resources and energy with you trying until your death. I don’t even have the gift of physical grace. I am unwilling to settle with average men, so people can’t coerce me with money to sleep with them or marry them. I am so disgusted by the idea of being with a man who will be bitter about me not having the hots for him simply because my standards have been fried by Vico fucking Sotto. Terrible problem for whoever is “in love” with me right now. _If_ they even exist. I am not even entitled to Vico Sotto. He’s just a jewel I admire from afar. Something the gods of this world dangle in front of me because they also think he’s worth the hype. I must not be out of my mind when I veritably feel ugly and average and worthless. Some people looking at my social media see no problem and may even think I’m pretty, but that is a big lie—well, not a _big_ big lie. It’s just a curated angle and a probability range of me looking my “best” in some angle I managed to capture. I never take my privilege for granted, whatever privilege I have at this point that people think I have. But some beautiful women just act as if it’s just a given, that they’re so surprised that some people do not live in their world and aren’t kind to them simply because they exist. People are fundamentally selfish and will not expend energy for things that are not worth it to their system. Average people are so bland, so naturally, it’s just the way things are. My sister cannot understand me, so she is not my best friend in the dream. Maybe she might mature and understand that her beauty since childhood—with a brief awkward Gollum phase in high school—is a privilege that has allowed her to enter worlds and become socially mobile with rich friends who open even more doors. Meanwhile, if I’m actually being 100% hacked, I had to lose so much shame and impossible grief to get someone to notice my writing, enough to make someone pass me along to Vico. That is so insane to me. Still, it’s so insane. If it’s true. I feel like Ichan Remigio reacting to Vico’s comment. That must be something. People fighting for scraps of your time and attention and act like an angel has broken through reality and given them light and glory. That is weird behavior. But it’s also normal. It’s just normal to feel alive when you earn the attention—even if brief—of someone who is so high status and powerful. Everybody, in the end, just wants to be noticed by GOD or gods. Humans being made to experience the joy of having that glory be shared with them for once, when everything in life is hell and boredom and lackluster. I should start seriously tracking my word count. I already have a metric for it, I just never put anything in there. Imagine if my words could do this much damage and become viral. How does that even happen? The Clarion West rejection is making me think my delulu isn’t real at all. If they didn’t think it was special, then why would anybody read me right now? Even if my body contains traces of Venezuela, funmania, the sound of him moaning in the Top 10 video, the random follow, the Nailong Chinese, the 3 microphones and “useless” and “inutil” and “purpose” and possibly “What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish. These are all real triggers. Or are they? I am just so lost in uncertainty right now. I really thought I would make Clarion West, given that people who are “reading me” have been lowkey hyping up my writing especially with Soda Pop bean/betlog and other signs I don’t currently remember. Don’t forget Stella Octahedron/Octangula. That is the biggest sign out there, that they are indeed believers of whatever I am doing. Although I don’t know why they would predict I would get there if they just visited me from US from Google. My barometer for good literature is so broken simply because I assume and not assume at the same time, that I am interesting. That is a quantum state all on its own. How can I simultaneously believe that they read and plot against every single thing I write and all of my work from previous classes, and also still not believe in it for random reasons like rejection. It is making me ineffective in a way because I would have no idea what I got right. Although when I look at my own work in a certain light, I can see why they think it’s good. It’s 8:25PM. I have not been productive at all. I’ve only been awake since 2PM I think. I wonder where the time went. Why did he post the Emo Remix? That is a big flag of recognition? 2022 entry about emo music. Emphasis on volume emoji. Why would he know I was looking at him at the time? They really hacked my phone. My phone with all of my pathetic selfies trying and hoping and failing to look sexy. It’s not pathetic to dream of something out of reach. You are human, in the end. You cannot be seriously hating on your trauma and pain. You only hate it because it causes you pain. If you really let yourself feel that pain fully, you might become a terrorist for real. It’s just lucky that you managed to find some confidence in your writing again to give yourself a semblance of hope of making it out of this hell by getting to your plastic surgeries in the future. Dysphoria is no joke. I haven’t felt like this in a long time because of the Vico delulu really making me believe in it even if I am in denial. I can try to sit with this pain and articulate it fully so my future self can capture the horror of being rejected. It is not something you can write out of, but your writing can become an MLM of some sort where if you manage to make people buy, you can get benefits that will enable you to invest in something better. Writing has never fully captured and soothed this problem. But is an easier problem than material poverty. It _is_ a type of poverty, but who knows what kind of governance can fix it or manage it. It’s not so much about resources being distributed correctly or managed, because people’s bodies can’t be improved _that_ much without some fakery. Money is very direct and will solve people’s problems because it’s a gateway to material goods. But what material goods involving beauty can people even think of managing? Makeup and beauty lessons and shopping? Guys don’t wear any makeup if they’re not metrosexual, and they are the ones likely more fucked in this area. They can’t increase their height, they can’t use beauty filters unless they want to be suspected of fakery, they can’t make their clothes look nice if their body doesn’t look nice, while girls have padding in bras and spandex and high heels and makeup and hair that makes or breaks a person’s overall aura. If people knew the entirety of my “content” on here, and manage to be mean to me or traumatize me in public, there is only one explanation. They are hating on me because they are either envious of me for some reason, or they actually are at odds with what I stand for. I cannot tell. It’s like both poor people and rich people harass me in equal measure. The Singaporean/Filipino Ralph lookalike who masturbated in the airport bookstore (or sounded like it), that woman at the airport who looks like my molester, that “What’s in the bag, mom?” trying to shame me for my sexuality and masturbation, that woman in Big Bad Wolf reminding me of the worst trauma of my life as if they knew it happened to me and stood by while it happened and still gloated at the fact that it really happened and rubbed it in the wound by making me think Ampota photographer is still sexually/romantically interested in me. The worst parts of my life in a 4-year-streak, and now this 2026 virtual happiness? How did this happen indeed. Why now? What did I do now? Something had to change. Something had to have been convincing that I managed to make people do this. Did they feel bad for me (the biggest explanation so far)? Obviously. The incel problem just might be neck-to-neck with material poverty in the arena of people protesting against visceral injustice and inequality and the distribution of grace. There, I said it. Much more so for incels, simply because they have the worst reputation that no one is willing to take up. If you are fighting for equality in the arena of material poverty, you are a hero and admired. If you’re an incel-adjacent fighter, on the other hand, you are compromised and irrational and possibly violent yourself. No one will defend you or side with you because beauty or physical grace is pretty self-explanatory and sexuality must remain precious and undisturbed simply because rape is unforgivable and egregious, and also because it’s an icky problem that has a lot of baggage and ick in general. It’s such a clusterfuck too. I wonder who is monitoring the state of incelhood right now. Being an incel in 2026 is the worst way to be. Everything is going to shit and everyone is just being a hedonist trying to fuck all the time casually and partying and being wild and flirty and fun while you get none of that. Your logic is completely valid, if any of you incels are reading me right now. It’s so hard to want to possess a much more beautiful person you know in your heart you cannot attain no matter what you do or try, while others who have more status or money get it easily and effortlessly without even doing anything hard. Easy. The logical consequence of being rich and attractive and powerful. Great. I still remember the lyrics to Two Is Better Than One. Such romance to dull this ache. “I’m so happy you’re alive” vibes. I want to think the “completely spaced it” Santa/Satan PLP recognition post with his “come here” finger is intentional. 🤡 Yeah, lowkey just having a mini orgasm thinking of his “come hither” finger in both my ass and vagina. FUCK. He knows _exactly_ what he’s doing hiding that under Nailong music. How do people do this? Managing this high of highs of sapiosexuality with the barest most minimal amount of sexual stimuli, plausibly deniable. Something to aspire to. — 10:09PM. Wrote about the Three Worlds coherently in Puso’y Dos Tres. Wow. I am sort of on fire today. I know I’m not a true sapiosexual because I need to find them hot physically too for them to be sexually attractive. Intelligence is not inherently sexy, but it may afford you some points to make yourself earn intellectual or cultural capital that accrues an aura of a different kind. So, trying to find out if people are sounding the 4th horn by an Angel apparently warning, “Woe! Woe! Woe!” for the Three Woes after it. WTF!!!!!!!!!! Nakakamangha shizz. My betlog betlog betlog wasn’t worthless after all. I didn’t know about this verse or factoid before. The 4th horn is darkness because the sun, moon, and stars are all blacked out. Accretion of meaning and a minor earthquake in my vagina a while ago. “Fuck, I love you…” she moans, breathless. “Nah, you love my body…” Devil grin. Her moan intensifies. Then a gap in the air, no sound. “But I love yours, too.” he says. Weird “coincidence” or synchrony. I said something about Regina Spektor and Queen Teacher’s Assistant yesterday or so, and it fell on “s” point, or 19th letter. Then today I mentioned Clarkesworld story on the “i” or the 9th letter of my Julio Molina thoughts. Trisha Marie Yap connected to Abilaine Jacob Yap, died on September 19, which is 9/19. I mentioned 19 first then 9 second. So, ipso facto, it is a TOO DIRECT and EERIE connection to “Reading the Bible Backwards” by Eleanor Wilner, a poem I mentioned in ALL_GO. WOWZA. Did people plan to make me think in this exact order????????????????? HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the 3rd Holy Spirit day, next to emotional glory (1/11), yellow pad (1/7) and today I discovered it on (1/17)!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKARONI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Julio Molino must be SPECIAL. 1 and 11, 7 and 17, and 9 and 19. Why those numbers? They are paired and they have a difference of 10! 10 for golds I mentioned in my first part journal of 12/25 AD-1/26 BC. There are 100 instances of 10 without space after search, and 43 after space in CTRL+F. What do all of these numbers mean? So now I can “predict” if I receive a eureka? It will fall on an odd number (current count) and probably add by 10, on a 7 or 17 most consistently (1/11 only happened once unless you also count what happened to me on Jan. 1 as miraculous—maybe selecting Aella?). Hmm. Strange math. OH OK. Aella was another Holy Spirit day. Jan. 1—I also mentioned Trisha the first time. So that neatly wraps up today on the 17th. Now 1st and 17th are linked (or circled) to result in the “pattern” of 9 and 19 today linked to Trisha and Aella. Auspicious sighting of a pattern I didn’t intend. 10 seems to be the special one here. Number of gold instances when I first noticed it. So J - L - M - L - N deserves to be slotted into the ontoglyph’s fabric. I don’t know what yet. I will think about it later. Since his brother looks like Angelo’s child version, it literally is about the Holy Spirit. OMG why. I have to count how many papers I produced on Jan 7. <aside> 😭 “Your pain is not incomprehensible. It is part of who you are, and who you can be.” </aside> Pretty important pattern maybe: 2-3-3-4 with 33 in the middle. I think, I can tell, how I know, I can see it.