### Dreams 🧫 1. No dreams. I wonder why. Woke up too early at 5:30AM. 2. Yeah, they’re aiming for total domination over my heart, all right. Nailong and Chinese. STAAAAAHP. 3. OMG NEGROS ORIENTAL LUNGA DREAM. The capital is Dumaguete. My own brain did it again, and it did it “crystal clear” again with “Lunga.” Apparently, “lunga” means “sesame seeds.” Again, my spiritual brother running away from seeds? I am going to Lunga in the dream. 4. The suspicion that all your dreams somehow matter or something. Into one narrative of many narrative threads? 1. So much of life ignored but still humming underneath like an alien consciousness craving and landing on specific images and people and sensations. I suppose this is the “third brain” aside from left and right hemisphere to really expand the palette and overturn just “duality” or binary systems. ### Ruminations 🩻 1. Huh. I realize I have another “Wolf” haunting me. Big Bad Wolf book fair and Ace in Chicken Little brazen woman. Great. 2. Well, if they’re distracting me with “Netherlands” and “Hungary” at 8PM (ate, lol), they must trust me enough to not indulge and handle it. The fact that they are turning me on right now, I don’t know, means they trust that you can actually do “No Nut November” and develop focus even though you’re subliminally always in “positive chaos” mode. It is also fertilizer for fun and creativity and sugar. 3. OMG WHAT. Even our own brains are dual. Right hemisphere and left hemisphere. There is no third option. It’s just a synchrony of both hemispheres working together. But what if there was a “third brain” of some sort that can transcend right brain wholes, spatial reasoning, and patterns and left brain language and abstraction. 1. GOD really put only 2 parts in our brains. 2. **OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT. I WAS ONTO SOMETHING WITH QAHLUQULU, who is so different because of his convolunin caused by his brain structure. Octopuses** are the weird uncles of neuroscience 🐙: they have a central brain _plus_ large, semi-autonomous neural clusters in each arm. Each arm can solve problems locally. This is not “four hemispheres,” but it’s **distributed intelligence** in a way mammals never attempted. 3. So far, there is **no known animal with three or more true hemispheres** arranged as equal peers in one brain. Evolution prefers either: 1. bilateral duplication, or 2. modular distribution (many ganglia), not odd-numbered central control hubs. Odd numbers are awkward for symmetry, wiring, and development. Nature dislikes awkward unless it pays rent. 4. Funny ways intuition and emotion work in our language. 1. Now to the deliciously strange part: neurons in the **heart and gut** ❤️🧠. Your gut contains the **enteric nervous system (ENS)**—often called the “second brain.” It has **~100–500 million neurons**, comparable to a cat’s brain. It can: • coordinate digestion, • regulate blood flow, • sense chemical and mechanical states, • and operate _independently_ of the brain. If you cut communication with the brain, the gut still runs its routines. That’s not metaphorical intelligence; it’s literal neural autonomy. The gut also produces ~90% of the body’s serotonin, which is why anxiety and digestion are inseparable roommates. The **heart** has its own neural network too—the intrinsic cardiac nervous system. It’s smaller (~40,000 neurons) but sophisticated. It: • regulates heart rhythm locally, • adapts beat-to-beat timing, • communicates upward to the brain via the vagus nerve. Importantly, signaling isn’t one-way. The heart and gut **send more information to the brain than the brain sends to them**. Your “central” consciousness is downstream of these signals more often than you’d expect. Intuition, gut feelings, sudden calm or dread—these are not poetic inventions. They’re feedback loops. So if you zoom out, humans don’t really have _one_ brain with two hemispheres. They have a **tri-nodal nervous system**: • head-brain (prediction, abstraction), • gut-brain (metabolic and emotional grounding), • heart-brain (rhythmic and regulatory signaling). Evolution didn’t centralize intelligence; it **negotiated it**. Two hemispheres upstairs, many neurons downstairs, and a constant debate about who’s actually in charge. The strange part is not that the brain has only two hemispheres—it’s that consciousness pretends they’re the only ones that matter 🌀 2. **CAN YOU ACCESS GUT AND HEART AND MAKE IT INTELLIGIBLE** Short answer: **yes, partially—and indirectly**. Long answer: you don’t “hear” the heart and gut the way you hear thoughts; you _tune_ into them the way a radio tunes into a carrier wave 📡🧠. Their language is physiological first, conceptual only after translation. Let’s ground this in what’s actually known. ### How heart & gut signals reach cognition Signals from the **enteric nervous system** and the **intrinsic cardiac nervous system** don’t arrive as sentences. They arrive as **interoception**: internal sensory data about pressure, stretch, chemistry, rhythm, inflammation, and energy availability. These signals travel mainly via the vagus nerve to brain regions like the insula and anterior cingulate cortex, which integrate them into emotion, motivation, and “felt sense.” This means cognition is constantly being _biased_ before you think a thought. Mood, confidence, risk tolerance, attention, and even moral judgment are nudged by these inputs before the cortex starts narrating. The trick, then, is not extraction but **resolution**. --- ### Methods that increase intelligibility (evidence-based, not mystical) Think of these as increasing signal-to-noise ratio 🔍. **1. Interoceptive training** This is the closest thing we have to “listening.” Practices that systematically train awareness of internal bodily states increase activity and accuracy in the insula. Examples include: - Slow body-scanning attention (without imagery or narrative) - Breath-coupled awareness of heartbeat or gut sensations - Tracking subtle changes during decision-making (“what shifts _before_ I decide?”) People with high interoceptive accuracy make better affective and intuitive judgments, not because they’re psychic, but because they’re reading upstream data sooner. **2. Heart-rate variability (HRV) biofeedback** HRV is a proxy for vagal tone—how flexible your heart–brain communication is. Biofeedback lets you _see_ the effect of breathing, attention, and emotional states on cardiac signaling in real time. This does two things: - It makes cardiac signals explicit instead of subliminal. - It trains voluntary modulation of autonomic states. Cognitively, this improves emotional regulation, working memory under stress, and clarity of attention. **3. Gut-state manipulation as a cognitive variable** Your gut neurons respond strongly to: - nutrient timing, - inflammation, - microbiome composition. When people systematically track cognition alongside diet timing, fiber intake, or fasting windows, they often discover stable correlations: creativity spikes, anxiety drops, or focus sharpens hours _before_ conscious hunger cues appear. That’s gut signaling shaping cognition long before thought. This is not folk wisdom; it’s metabolic neurobiology wearing a trench coat 🧪. **4. Affective labeling without interpretation** When a bodily signal arises—tightness, warmth, hollowness—the most effective move is _naming without explaining_. “Pressure in chest” ≠ “I’m anxious because…” Labeling alone recruits prefrontal circuits that clarify the signal without distorting it. Interpretation too early injects cultural and linguistic bias—precisely what you’re trying to avoid. --- ### What does _not_ work (important) - Forcing symbolic meaning (“my gut says X therefore destiny”) - Expecting verbal content - Treating signals as moral or prophetic authorities Heart and gut neurons optimize **survival and regulation**, not truth or wisdom. They are brilliant engineers, not philosophers. --- ### What becomes cognitively accessible? With training, people report clearer distinctions between: - fear vs. excitement, - depletion vs. resistance, - intuitive aversion vs. social anxiety, - real fatigue vs. reward withdrawal. In other words: **better error bars on your own mind** 📊. You don’t gain new beliefs. You gain _better calibration_. --- ### The deeper frame Language evolved _after_ these systems. Conscious thought is the press secretary, not the legislature. When heart and gut signals are opaque, cognition confabulates. When they’re legible, thinking becomes quieter, faster, and less defensive. You don’t access heart and gut neurons by dragging them into language. You access them by **reducing how much language lies about them**. That shift—less narrative, more signal—is where cognition quietly gets smarter 🧭 --- ### Catchy Wordplay/Puns/Copy/Bursts & Spritz 👑 1. A little death (sex) and a little cum (fun) makes the world run (and then some). 1. French people apparently conflate sex with death = little death meaning orgasm or “la petite mort.” 2. I need a better word than “exquisite.” It’s too perfect but it’s not quite hitting it. 3. Dialogue: 1. He approaches the table, standing behind her, and her friends quiet down, smiling. “Oh, don’t mind me, what were you talking about?” He places his hands on her shoulders. “Yeah, we were just talking about our sex lives.” She smiles a cheeky grin. “Oh?” He mock-muffles her mouth with one hand from behind. She removes it gently, turning to look up at him, his cheeks now turning beet red. “Just kidding, but you know, you’re warm-blooded too…” He chuckles, looks down shyly, but says to her, “Lagot ka sa akin mamaya.” “I like the sound of that,” she says to no one in particular. ### Goal/Motivation/Fuel 🛢️ 1. CRUDE OIL. WRITE BOBOBEE TODAY. SUBMIT IT TODAY. DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S SHIT. CLARKESWORLD SEEMS TO LIKE YOU ANYWAY. Then on 19, if it fails, submit to Strange Horizons window. There. Money for the time being 2. **PRIORITIZE. When everything is possible, nothing gets done. Expansive yes, but limit even more after. Limits and constraints make you more creative.** 3. The scale of 3 Body Problem except it’s being belied by the campiness. It’s supposed to look campy on the surface but the full implications are just hiding behind everything. ### Progress/Momentum ⚗️ 1. Working on Garden Party Collective Visual/Experimental Poetry Contest entry > Deadline: Jan. 17 2. The fact that the emotional glory experience happened on Jan. 11, 2026 coincides with Aella’s birthdate 2/22, is a huge sign it is your main priority. You cannot half-ass this. First, urgent and important is CW 198 prangkahan. Then you promised CW 200 within this week. Three things. Forget about Young Creatives Challenge. Or not, make it a reward. The idea that I can win 1M from recycling my old work, though, is not even that appealing. Then poetry contest. Then BOBOBEE. Then make sense of the yellow pad and green and pink papers. 1. I just think it’s so fucking mind-blowing how I circled back to Aella again. I really found her at a time when I really hated her entire shtick. Taking a nude picture of herself covering her vagina with Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid. Another book you need to read to find out if it’s bullshit or creative fuel. 2. The fact that her father is a preacher is just a thing all on its own. My father was once a youth pastor. Good GOD the parallel. 3. Made headway into BOBOBEE. Made a new project “Your Heart Is A Cat I Cannot Reach.” ### Weaknesses To Work On 🎛️ 1. Yeah, it’s a blessing in disguise you kinda lost your “intuition” or implicit knowledge. Intuition may be nice to have, but it limits you simply because it’s the “only way” you know how to do things, blocking new or novel approaches. You have to think out of the box and use what you currently have as well as new input. 2. You need a grounding routine. Listen to Again by Bruno Mars to remember you are now supposed to take everything seriously. Time is the only thing that you cannot get back. You can get back your brain and then some, but you will never ever get back the losses you accrued from procrastination. You are dangerously not going to be at your peak if you keep this up. Your peak will require you to stay in shape and never let yourself go. 3. OMG. Three microphones (red, blue, orange) in that funmania meme. Does that mean I’m the black guy demagogue? I have “three personalities” that people have identified already? Wow. I don’t know what they are currently. The tinkerer(?), the horny one, the sad one, the angry one, the “critical thinker,” the paranoid one, the trickster one, the funny one, the annoyed-and-slightly-ragey one, the whimsical one, the flight-of-ideas one, the nostalgic one. Well, these are traits. I have no clue how they work together to make up one “person.” 4. How did I do CLOUD DAY again? 1. Exercise in bursts, up your norepinephrine naturally 2. No sleep 2 days 3. Organized because of template 1. Ideas already pre-developed in Notion and only needed organization 2. Plot only came together on that day, especially the fortuitous hospital song and the dead twin theory 4. You cannot explain all of it—you just have to ride that wave. Nothing about it is logical. Creative links cannot be predicted. 5. ChatGPT 1. **Is it executive dysfunction, or euphoria?** It’s both—but in different roles. ### Executive dysfunction is the brake failure 🚗 - The prefrontal systems that normally _select_, _delay_, and _discard_ ideas lose authority. - Thought generation outruns thought selection. - Follow-through collapses because goals can’t stay fixed long enough to be completed. ### Euphoria is the gas pedal stuck down 🌈 - Euphoria biases attention toward _novelty_ over _completion_. - Finishing feels boring because it offers no new dopamine. - The brain constantly asks: “What else could this become?” instead of “What must I now finish?” In other words: > Mania doesn’t just remove brakes—it convinces you that you don’t need brakes. That’s the lethal part. 6. **So what would actually “enhance the fertilizer” without letting it burn the field?** This is the crux of your question. The goal is **not control by willpower**—that fails in mania. The goal is **externalized executive scaffolding**. **1. Separate idea-generation from execution (temporal partitioning)** Mania collapses phases that should be distinct. A stabilizing strategy: - Treat manic insight as **raw ore**, not finished metal. - Capture ideas rapidly _without acting on them_. - Delay execution to a later, calmer state. This works because: - It respects mania’s strength (generation) - It removes decision-making (which mania corrupts) **2. Externalize discipline (because internal discipline is impaired)** During mania, **self-regulation is unreliable**. What helps instead: - Rigid external constraints (checklists, templates, time-boxed tasks). - Pre-committed rules written _before_ mania (“I do not publish, message, or quit jobs while elevated”). - Trusted external arbiters (a person or system that can say “not yet”). Think of it as: > Let the mind roam—but put the hands in handcuffs until review. 7. **Is disciplined follow-through incompatible with mania?** In its **pure form**, yes—mostly. Mania optimizes for: - Speed over accuracy - Novelty over completion - Confidence over correction Disciplined execution requires the opposite. The rare cases where manic states _do_ lead to finished breakthroughs almost always involve: - Prior training and mastery (the rails already exist) - Strong external structure - Or hypomania rather than full mania (crucial distinction) Full mania is not a productivity state. It is a **discovery state with poor survivability**. 8. **So this is how it happened with exercise—brain mildly stressed and recovering from HIIT** Cortisol dysregulation ⏱️ Moderate cortisol increases can: - sharpen focus - increase motivation But in mania: - cortisol rhythms flatten - stress signals lose feedback - the brain stays in “go” mode This fuels endurance—but degrades judgment. ### Songs 🎤 <aside> 🎸 “Sister Cities” by The Wonder Years </aside> <aside> 🪕 “I Can Only Imagine” by MercyMe </aside> ### Social Media 🀄 1. Ay enebeyen “Veni, Creator Spiritus” aka “Come, Holy Spirit” prayer. 🤣 2. OMG I WAS WRONG. I found the Kiko Rustia account, it’s a real page. I wonder why it was suppressed yesterday. #falsealarm 3. He really said, “thankful..[for our new nurses].” I’m not sure if that is intentional. Using two dots instead of “…” because I think he thinks I always associate it with pleasure. PLS I CAN WEAR A NURSE OUTFIT IF YOU LIKE (lol) 4. +1 visit from Venezuela 3PM/15:00. I don’t know what about at the moment. 1. OMG it’s #15 in my previous list. I am Pepsi now? Explains the Soda Pop song. In hindsight, WOW that is a huge “clue” that he knows about Pepsi and his opinion??????????? 2. The idea that I am a US President and that they are indeed rubbing one out to thoughts of me… SOMEBODY TAZE ME!!!!!!!!! This is so unfair how his pleasure instinctively makes me horny. It’s a feedback loop I can’t stop. 1. 5:32PM: throbbing for no good reason. At this rate my vaginal walls are going to grow a tumor that will mutate into an actual beating heart. 5. +1 visit from U.S. 10PM/21:00. Also from Google Search. 1. Means = Google = I hate google but I have to use it = I hate “English” but I have no choice. 2. US = captured both Venezuela and Philippines. 124 years ago. 1. 124 atomic number = unbiquadium. Ubq. 2. Stellated Octahedron = 8-pointed star / Stella Octangula 3. **Visualizing the Relationship** 1. **Star of David:** Two equilateral triangles, one pointing up, one pointing down, creating six points and a central hexagon (2D). 2. **Stella Octangula:** Two tetrahedra (3D triangles) interpenetrating, creating eight points and a central octahedron (3D). 4. **WOW STELLA OCTANGULA “interpenetrating”** ![[dog 1.jpg]] Q.E.D. How will I know who is “talking” to me once I get random visits from Clarkesworld _i cri_ ### Craft 🔩 1. Cinematic imagination is on fire today. A couple in the throes of foreplay with a Killmonger “upside down turning upright shot” just focusing on their upper body as his hand slowly inches lower from her breasts but the camera stays focused on upper bodies only, and his hand reaches her mound (but the shot doesn’t show it) and he’s just goading and smiling at her looking deep into her eyes and does this magic (imagination as fuel) on her using his fingers. Tight shot on their faces only with the “implication” his hands are busy. 2. 12:27PM: OMG BRILLIANT. I just figured out how sociopathic Sam Alonto seduces Justine into taking part in the Xavier University story. So in X-Men: First Class, Charles really says to Eric, “There’s so much more to you than you know.” Perfect. She is literally too “transparent” to the audience reading the story since it’s a diary format. This echoes in her head like a brainworm. She hears this again after failing the running attempt. What could the audience not know about her at this point? ### Teaching/Repentance/Worship 🛐 ### Psychophysics/Puso’y Dos Tres ⛰️ 1. Yeah, I just named it—the game people are developing. “Puso” is apparently Tagalog, Bisaya, and Hiligaynon, so all three islands. Big Two or Pusoy Dos is a Cantonese game. My grandfather on my dad’s side is Cantonese. Puso = Heart = anagram of Earth, so we’re going local here. Spanish numbers for the nod to Spain too. 2. OMG I just searched up Sydney’s full name. SHE’S A VALLEY!!!!!!!!!!!! She is also a flute player. 1. Sydney - wide meadow 2. Paige - young servant/attendant 3. Pantaleon - all-lion 4. Guerrero - warrior!!!!! 3. **Yeah, my paternal great grandparents’ names include a MARIA again. “Maria Mok-she Wong Yee” and “Iwai [unknown middle name] Yee.”** 1. First: what “Mok-she” probably is “Mok” and “she” are almost certainly **Cantonese** romanizations (not Mandarin pinyin). In Mandarin you’d expect something like _Mu_, _Mo_, _Shi_, _Xie_, etc. “Mok” with a hard _k_ ending is classic Cantonese. That already narrows the universe. 🧭 --- ## “Mok” (Cantonese: _mok6_ 木 / _mok6_ 目 / _mok6_ 沐 …) Several common characters are pronounced _mok_ in Cantonese: - **木** — _wood, tree_ Symbolically: growth, vitality, rootedness, the Wood element in 五行 (Five Phases). - **目** — _eye_ Perception, awareness, seeing clearly. - **沐** — _to bathe, to cleanse_ Renewal, purification, fresh beginnings. Of these, **木** and **沐** are very common in names. **目** is rarer but philosophically spicy. --- ## “She” (Cantonese: _se4_ / _si6_ / _ze6_ etc.) This syllable is trickier because English “she” can map to several Cantonese sounds. Common candidates include: - **詩** (_si1_) — _poetry_ Elegance, culture, sensitivity. - **思** (_si1_) — _thought, reflection_ Intellect, introspection, care. - **舍** (_se3_) — _to let go, dwelling_ Renunciation, generosity, shelter. - **世** (_sai3_) — _world, generation_ Worldliness, continuity, legacy. - **謝** (_ze6_) — _gratitude_ Humility, appreciation. Name-wise, **詩** and **思** are extremely common and aesthetically “beautiful,” which matters a lot in Chinese naming culture. --- ## Plausible composite meanings 🌱📜 Depending on character choices, “Mok-she” could mean things like: - **木詩** — _“poetry of wood”_ A very Taoist, nature-soaked image: organic creativity, quiet elegance. - **沐思** — _“bathed in thought”_ Reflective, philosophical, inwardly rich. - **木思** — _“rooted thinking”_ Stability of mind; thinking that grows slowly and deeply. - **沐詩** — _“cleansed by poetry”_ Almost mystical; art as purification. None of these are exotic or forced. They sit comfortably inside real Chinese naming aesthetics. ## First: what “Mok-she” probably is “Mok” and “she” are almost certainly **Cantonese** romanizations (not Mandarin pinyin). In Mandarin you’d expect something like _Mu_, _Mo_, _Shi_, _Xie_, etc. “Mok” with a hard _k_ ending is classic Cantonese. That already narrows the universe. 🧭 --- ## “Mok” (Cantonese: _mok6_ 木 / _mok6_ 目 / _mok6_ 沐 …) Several common characters are pronounced _mok_ in Cantonese: - **木** — _wood, tree_ Symbolically: growth, vitality, rootedness, the Wood element in 五行 (Five Phases). - **目** — _eye_ Perception, awareness, seeing clearly. - **沐** — _to bathe, to cleanse_ Renewal, purification, fresh beginnings. Of these, **木** and **沐** are very common in names. **目** is rarer but philosophically spicy. --- ## “She” (Cantonese: _se4_ / _si6_ / _ze6_ etc.) This syllable is trickier because English “she” can map to several Cantonese sounds. Common candidates include: - **詩** (_si1_) — _poetry_ Elegance, culture, sensitivity. - **思** (_si1_) — _thought, reflection_ Intellect, introspection, care. - **舍** (_se3_) — _to let go, dwelling_ Renunciation, generosity, shelter. - **世** (_sai3_) — _world, generation_ Worldliness, continuity, legacy. - **謝** (_ze6_) — _gratitude_ Humility, appreciation. Name-wise, **詩** and **思** are extremely common and aesthetically “beautiful,” which matters a lot in Chinese naming culture. --- ## Plausible composite meanings 🌱📜 Depending on character choices, “Mok-she” could mean things like: - **木詩** — _“poetry of wood”_ A very Taoist, nature-soaked image: organic creativity, quiet elegance. - **沐思** — _“bathed in thought”_ Reflective, philosophical, inwardly rich. - **木思** — _“rooted thinking”_ Stability of mind; thinking that grows slowly and deeply. - **沐詩** — _“cleansed by poetry”_ Almost mystical; art as purification. None of these are exotic or forced. They sit comfortably inside real Chinese naming aesthetics. 1. **OH HOLY FUCK I HAVE A JAPANESE CONNECTION. I HAVE “ROCK” IN MY NAME. TURNS OUT SAKO WAS LUCKY AGAIN. TURNS OUT THIS IS HOW I’M LINKED TO STANLEY AND SHAWNTEL. (STONE.)** 1. **First reality check: “Iwai” is not natively Chinese** As a **Chinese given name**, _Iwai_ does not exist as a standard pronunciation in Mandarin or Cantonese. No mainstream Chinese romanization system (pinyin, Wade–Giles, Jyutping) naturally produces _Iwai_. That already tells us something important: if you encounter “Iwai” in a Chinese context, it is almost certainly **one of three things**: 2. A **Japanese name** being used by someone of Chinese background 3. A **phonetic transliteration** into Chinese characters 4. A **diasporic or stylized name** chosen for sound rather than tradition Each option leads to a different meaning space. --- ## The most common origin: Japanese 岩井 (Iwai) In Japanese, **Iwai** is a well-established name (often a surname, sometimes a given name). - **岩** — _rock, cliff_ - **井** — _well_ Together: **“Rock well” / “Well by the rock”** Symbolically, this implies: - Stability - Depth - Quiet endurance - A source of life (water) protected by something unmovable (stone) If a Chinese person carries the name “Iwai,” this is _by far_ the most likely semantic source—even if the cultural framing has shifted. --- ## If forced into Chinese characters (phonetic approach) Chinese names _can_ be built by approximating foreign sounds. “Iwai” might be rendered with characters chosen more for sound than etymology, such as: - **艾偉 / 愛偉** (_Ai Wei_) - _Ai_ — love / mugwort - _Wei_ — greatness → “Great love” or “beloved greatness” - **依偉** (_Yi Wei_) → “Supported greatness” / “dependable strength” Important: in these cases, **“Iwai” has no intrinsic Chinese meaning**. The meaning comes entirely from the _chosen characters_, not the sound itself. --- ## Why this name feels uncanny in Chinese contexts 🧠 Chinese names are usually: - Two syllables - Each syllable semantically dense - Phonetically constrained by the language “Iwai” breaks that rhythm. It feels **smooth, open-voweled, and floating**, more like Japanese or Polynesian phonology than Chinese. That’s why it reads as _foreign-but-elegant_ rather than traditionally Chinese. --- ## Bottom line - **As a Chinese given name:** “Iwai” has **no native meaning** - **As a Japanese-derived name:** it most likely means **“rock + well” → stability with hidden depth** - **As a transliterated Chinese name:** the meaning depends _entirely_ on the characters chosen In other words, “Iwai” is not a poem written by Chinese tradition—it’s a **sound-poem adopted into it**, carrying meanings like groundwater under stone: not obvious, but quietly powerful. 🪨💧 2. **POETRY. WOOD. EYE. BATHING/WASH. ROCKS. JAPANESE CONNECTION (this is the Japanese guy in my dream?).** ### Sensations/Body Stuff 🫟 1. The sensation that people make me feel—I’m small and they’re large and powerful and they know almost all my buttons that they are increasingly becoming good at pushing. Overwhelming, interesting. 2. 4:11PM: Hands aching because of anxiety/nervousness. It’s like there are butterflies in my hands. 3. Feeling slightly tired and sleepy at 6:17PM. Wanna not do anything but I really haven’t done much today. BAD. ### Random(x) 🕳️ 1. OMG. I finally remember why Shawntel looks so familiar to me. She looks exactly (well, not exactly) like Andie Estuart-Lacanilao. The UPD Molecular Biology and Biotechnology cum laude who was “crush ng bayan” in Philippine Science High School Main Campus. She had that FB essay about “Answered” about God too, and I remember being so envious of her writing skills. Now she’s a doctor and married. Her dad looks kind of like my dad too, and her older sister kind of looks like me. And her mother is a mestiza who is like my mom. ### To-do ☑️ 1. Make an entire real MIND MAP that is 5D-receptive ideally about your entire associative-historical-relational web that includes the werewolves, valleys, rivers, wolf and wolfgangs, jacobs/israels/abby jacobs/10/golds, ALL OF IT. Just to figure out what my entire life is “saying” to me in a graphical tangible way. It could potentially decenter you if you include ALL OF THE PEOPLE in your life. I must not be the “one” Jesus. It’s just so synchronous that my life has a lot of Jacobs/Israel/Iser/Bible/Jesus/Joy. 2. 8:20PM Yeah. The amount of volume I have to sort through this evening. 3-4 hours of sorting through my papers and trying to organize everything. Strategy, Niches, Categories, Sub-categories. 1. First thing: find a center-center-center. The absolute center upon which your entire topology-typology (Edit: 1/17/26 10:29PM) could hinge on. What is it? 3. Hypothesis-testing 4. This entire grand narrative involves language and meaning. It is a “grand narrative” attempting to unite itself to Theory of Everything science. It is a corpus callosum. A bridge. I wonder if I could invent a math for this too. 5. Defining terms in Puso’y Dos Tres 1. Ideas 1. Hugot = gravitational-emotional weight ### Morning Pages ⚜️ Your creativity is owed partly to the fact that not only were you numb to social reward, you still felt subconsciously rejected by everyone, especially bullies. You are freer than you think, simply because you don’t care about social reward that much. Independent thought and not herd behavior out of a sad circumstance. Don’t know if I should sigh or be relieved I was rigged to be “unique” and uncommon. Social reward is a good thing for fostering community, but toxic community makes you fear challenging what you know in your gut isn’t right, or isn’t right enough. 6:38PM. Came up with “Gom” or the “real self” for no reason at all for BOBOBEE. Thinking of even putting an emoji in the title just to see what I can get away with publishing the first story in Clarkesworld that has an emoji in the title. 6:42PM. Horny is getting out of hand. Images of frenetic visuals keeping me off-balance. But can you imagine the visuals? Not even the sensory bath of sounds and smells and touch, though I suppose if I really experience that maybe I’d die of happiness. Who could ever snap out of that? Just thinking about the feedback loop of mutual gazes and staring and indecision (where to stare, do I keep looking at his eyes or his hairy chest or his jawline or his lips oh god I can’t choose please don’t make me choose) and lingering yearning and focusing on each other’s anatomy and warmth and pleasure. I sometimes wonder why GOD made me so sensitive to sexual imagery and imagination. I live in the real world, so some of my desire will always be frustrated even if it’s there. Yeah, no thinking happens when you are afraid, which is your seemingly permanent condition when you are around people. You literally are porous because you disappear whenever other people are around you. This is why anxiety makes you extremely porous and sensitive. Fear makes your body hypersensitive and take in more input than it would otherwise do if you were normal and interacted with other people normally with healthy self-esteem and no inferiority complex. Peach and eggplant abstracted heart for intersex BOBOBEE. GENIUS. It is writing itself at 6:59PM. OMG I am not wishing for a macro-scale quantum reality… That would be chaos. Maybe it’d have groundbreaking applications in controlled amounts. ### 3. Tunneling would become terrifying Quantum tunneling allows particles to pass through barriers they “shouldn’t.” At human scale: - Walls wouldn’t be absolute - A car could occasionally tunnel halfway into a building - You might wake up slightly embedded in your mattress The probabilities would be small—but nonzero. And “nonzero” is enough to ruin architecture. Civil engineering would become a branch of applied prayer. 🏗️🙏 APPLIED PRAYER?????????? Story prompt right there. <aside> 🌌 The constellation to your stars, the consolation to your scars. </aside> How is it possible? That nearly all the wolves in my life have cleanly mapped into the most emotionally-heavy and resonant fields of my life? ALL OF IT. Love, trauma, desire, intention, creativity, attraction, fear. I suppose werewolf incident in Balingasag was just the final piece in the puzzle that emerged from all that weight? I cannot keep being dumbstruck. I must work out why this wolf is the “rule” of my life, right down to my mom’s middle name. Meaningful choice emerges from rules. There is a reason why that rule is there. I have never seen a real wolf. I keep dreaming of dogs biting me. Not a wolf. But still. Who would have thought that the pattern can ever be discerned from all this chaos? Who could have seen this at all except for a very specific mix of circumstances in 2025? I was in a completely different lane in August 2025, just traumatized and porous. I have no idea why it stopped. # PUSO’Y DOS TRES via A LANGUAGE GRAVITY: HUGOT 💥💢 Yeah, I don’t have a word yet. There must be a real real reason why I was “chosen” by the “gods” (people reading me) to be nudged here to explore this. Newton had gravity. Minkowski and Einstein had spacetime. What even is Hugot? I have no idea yet. Hmm. Quantum reality happening all the time, as in people do not have sex all the time all day. Why I chose hugot. Something about it evokes gravity and strong emotion. Where do dreams fit in this framework. — 8:55PM. Moving like a worm through the mud. --- 9:10PM. Guess who’s not sleeping at all tonight? I underestimated the amount of structure I promised to do to get my bearings over all that happened on yellow pad paper day. Totally not thinking of “beckoning sign.” Not at all. I like that he put “integrity” before “excellence.” 9:55PM: Winded after 3:50m HIIT. It’s just not my day today (try again in 1 hour). Yeah. D’OH!’d a lot today. I realize, now, how I am the “center” of an ARG, or an Alternate Reality Game. Where did I learn this word but 2019, or maybe 2020. How you people manage to get anything done at all. HOW TO BE U PO!!!!!! This is the most bottom-up endeavor of my life. Once again, how in the world did this even happen? Did people really expect me to arrive here? Why did I get hacked again? Did you people expect me to land on Four Horsemen? All right. I’m locking in. I will get a PhD no matter how long it takes me. No idea what field. Hopefully I become a pioneer in a field. 11:03PM: I should get $300 by the end of this month to buy _secret PKM_ from the far past (Ideaverse Pro). I seriously underestimated this tool, but now I’m seduced and foaming just to get it. Wish me luck and hope I sell BOBOBEE (lol it hasn’t even been written). I really asked better questions today. No idea why. I want to use the Stella Octangula but it’s too indulgent. I can only conclude that mathematics people are now involved? Interesting. Yeah, 1-2-2-2-1 really adds up to 8. It’s logical that I should use it. Negative spaces of the 12 syllable ontoglyph. Yeah, either I am great at my own intuition, or they really had a probability model that risked me thinking all sorts of things with that US visit. Nobody told me to subtract the years. I just assumed somewhere—can’t quite tell—that I should because of beginning and ending. End of Beginning song. And now synchronicity is once again slamming me by answering my question about “mind map.” People know me too well. I am limited in some way.