# Tuesday ### UPDATES - Otherwise Fellowship announcement in March 2026. - Bupropion+Atomoxetine package released from import customs today. - No dreams recalled from sleep from 6AM-11AM. No dreams at all these past few days. ### CATCHY WORDPLAY/PUNS/COPY ### THINGS TO ASK AI (OR MAYBE NOT) 1. The Meaning of Mental Illness/Disorders. Why did GOD create disease? Aging, genetic predisposition, failures in cells, accidents that make things worse, etc., all supposedly owing to Original Sin. Mental illness seems like the natural course of so many failures in normal functioning. Depression is to conserve energy, metabolic reasons, and etc. Anxiety is because of fear from a formative situation. So many a result of emotional scars in childhood. But why did he create Bipolar Disorder? Why is this specific condition making both extremes so acutely present in one body? If going from the Meaning of sex, which is to cut into two but then culminates in sexual oneness, bipolar seems to combine into two but then culminates in a divided self and that tension must mean a similar “orgasm” equivalent. What is that “orgasm” for? In sex, it’s creation. I do not want to think that for bipolar, it’s destruction. So many bad things could have been prevented if people did not have sex and have a viable pregnancy, but we live in a non-ideal world where not every child born is guaranteed a chance for a good life. Maybe similarly, if bipolar people lived in an ideal world, they would harness their “destructive creativity” for the good of mankind. It is not always even destruction that mania causes, and it is a fertilizer for original thought and innovation by “destroying” old ways of doing things and creating a replacement or alternative. Creativity results from pregnancy, so is the same for bipolarity, channeled correctly. A child is infinite potential, so can be bipolar minds. So many bipolar minds dulled and destroyed by antipsychotics that only serve to keep “sane” society safe from their violence, which is sometimes valid. No one is trying to harness mania except people like me and Kanye, artists. But I am not only an artist. In fact, my art serves a particular purpose, to soothe my moral irritations, and to fix the wrongness of this world. If you are looking at me for something that transcends language limitations, I’m afraid I am only one body. Whatever I come up with is inherently limited. Come to think of it, art soothes the self more than other people for me. I should stop trying to be a writer eventually, and become an engineer of some sort where I have actual impact on society aside from entertainment and personal edification and beauty appreciation. I suppose those are worthy callings in their own right, but I fully believe I was an accidental artist because writing was the only thing that came naturally to me, and of course, I had to lean into it. I had to acquire the taste for “good” literature because I inherently do not feel anything from reading except when I’m personally invested in a character that I can relate to. People will only support books that they have an affinity for, not the ones that are only well-written and technically proficient, so you become good at diagnosing the “mass craving” that everybody can relate to if filtered through a specific point of view and their internal logic mirrors that of your “general reader” who can feel not only cognitive empathy but also affective empathy even if they cannot quite relate exactly. Like me with Manang Lydia, different worlds, same fundamental problem, same fundamental drive. 2. If I can speculate about a “BIPOLAR GODHEAD,” I am more well-equipped to “talk” to the Satan figure who has hounded GOD forever since the beginning of time. I understand fundamentally why They did what they did. Because I was that person. I can probably discern what Satan’s true will is. It’s the only way to make sense of the “bottomless pit” prophecies. You know what, maybe my “real life purpose” is to train myself to be “Hoe Whisperer” so I can make Satan see sense. This is a real possibility that GOD would still deal with Them fairly even if the Bible makes it look like they will suffer forever. It’s impossible that a mere Angel, in my current opinion which is unfounded probably because I do not know what an Angel knows, will really become destroyed for having a fatal flaw that GOD did not foresee on purpose? Maybe They tried the emotional glory thing on Satan too in a simulation before They created them, but then it miraculously got corrupted even after a 100% success rate. Where did that source? I suppose this is also a mystery, maybe even to GOD? Why would such a flaw exist in the first place if not only for GOD to create a material story out of spiritual and human souls, for Them to harvest glory in the end. Was this the only way? The drive to create conflict and simulate reality is the same with writers who want the satisfaction of the ending to hit, for glory. Think really hard if you can spot a Satan figure in your own life who is not necessarily the person who caused you the most harm. Maybe a historical person who you fundamentally are at odds with. Why do I personally think they are imaging Satan aside from their names? The “meaning” with Angelo Gabriel Bautista Llamas is easy, because I am functionally a “future Mary” or someone who “selects a Mary.” If I am a future Mary, which I can see myself wanting even if it looks impossible now, makes my past sexual attraction to Angelo Gabriel Bautista Llamas a logical compass for what I think the Holy Spirit is about personally. I suppose it’s not that easy for people who are not called to be “Mary” because no Angel Gabriel visited them or no Holy Spirit impregnated them. But there are other Bible characters that are bursting with narrative potential. 3. BOY the day I start digging deep into the problematic playboy KING DAVID there will be a riot!!!!?!!!!!!?? “Man after GOD’s own heart.” ### PERSONAL BEST/PERSONAL RECORD ### PROGRESS/MOMENTUM 1. Well, now that I know what Manuel Luis Chaves means, especially Chaves which means “key,” I’m being prodded to work on the “real key” I discovered about Jung or something. Synchronic discovery that got surfaced again by my most harrowing childhood trauma. It must mean something. 2. Gradually healing my fear of writing fiction the “conventional” way through erotica. ### WEAKNESSES TO WORK ON 1. My internal emotional intelligence is too strong compared to my external emotional intelligence. I do not quite intuitively know how to deal with people in real-time settings. My mind prefers slow, reflective thought and then I do the action. I cannot for some reason achieve the “quantum state” of being able to act in the world and think at the same time. Which is fine, if I want to be a homebody my whole life. Yeah, I can’t do that now. Comfort is the enemy of growth. You will get faster at it just like you notice when you try to really put some amount of pressure on surfacing the appropriate response. Most people just want validation/echoing their views/soothing. Task is to do so subtly and creatively so you don’t seem like a sycophant. Figure out why your brain shuts down. Is it because people’s faces are so intimate and expressive and you notice every micro-expression? It’s anxiety pushing all of your knowledge to the back and using all of your cognitive resources to protect itself from rejection, from the very first rejection. Who cares? People are not that fragile and will welcome or tolerate some friction just like people tolerate irrationality and that angry or sharp tone/voice. I guess being funny involves risk, always. A calculated risk. You have to assume you will be liked and be bullheaded that some people will find you relatable. You can’t be the only one. 2. Yeah. I found myself effortlessly rapping Killin’ on Demand. Catchy rhythms make everything easier to remember. I wasn’t even consciously memorizing the lyrics, but it all just magically got absorbed because of my emotional attachment to and affinity for the beat, rhythm, and viral catchiness. Make up rap songs of knowledge you have. 3. 2META4ME: YOU FOOL. You could be so good at reflection but get nowhere at all. Reflection is easy for you. You know this. You are addicted to the analysis of your thoughts and behaviors. You are not going to go anywhere. Reflection IS NOT WORK AT ALL. IT IS HALF THE WORK. BUT IT IS EASY WORK. ### SOCIAL MEDIA 1. Yeah, I don’t write out all of the meanings I accreted/surfaced from people’s posts even though I get a good cluster of them. I fear I am giving away all of my cards that way, and ambiguity/uncertainty is fun. 2. Joey de Leon #12 on my list. 3. “I was like you in grade school and HS”? 4. PANDAN ANGEL ANITA????? 😳 1. Ok, what is happening here?????? He knows about my fantasies, he knows about what I’m currently doing with Angel_Hoe, and he knows my fears/goals? OMG 2. Come to think of it, why are all 3 of his posts vaguely “about” Anita Love? re: “I could tell she was the superior one” and the big seal in the middle. 3. Are they trying to make Anita into an ontoglyph? 1. Anita—>Tania—>Ainat—>Ainatatina 2. Ainatati = vaguely sounds like Identity or Inanity 1. Yeah, he CONGRATULATED MY POETRY!!!!???? I remember he has a poem called “I Am Silly” from Grade 4 🤪 1. (is he indirectly saying he’s a liar? lol) 2. Identity: why are they highlighting this? Could they possibly think I could be right? That absorbing your dream content into your identity would unlock psi powers? I guess it could be possible, but it’s like, I do not think my dreams are “reality,” though I do think they are “communicating” something to me using symbolic language whose mechanism involves connecting to informational fields. Maybe I don’t quite grasp the implications of my own dreams and it could possibly be more important than I think. 3. 9:16PM: So I just asked ChatGPT about my hunches. This is the first time I’m calling bullshit and that apparently there is no field for studying cross-brain foreknowledge. 1. GODDAMMIT I am annoyed that there is the implication that the brain is only generating things randomly and hitting them through luck or something. Even the hallucinatory machine isn’t as insane as my potentially groundbreaking experiences. 2. Hunch 1: Extreme intense emotion during those sets of dreams really broke through something. I cried when I woke up with the Power Puff dream. Anita Love was just dreadful. Strong emotions seem to enhance something. 4. OMFG!!!!!! ANITA LEADING TO IDENTITY. THAT IS TOO ON-THE-NOSE. IT REALLY RESONATED THE IDEA TO THE POINT WHERE IT BECAME A MEANINGFUL ONTOGLYPH RELATED TO MY NOVEL TALKING ABOUT ONTOGLYPHS AND DREAMS??????????? 5. Hmmmmm. So the PANDAN ANGEL ANITA really is just them presenting me with a “(projection of a) possibility” i.e. my poem. I’m virtually living out one half of a waking dream where I have gaslit myself into believing Vico is somehow communicating with me. So there’s that. Millions of schizophrenic and psychotic people abound and why would I be the exception who is a “signal?” Except I see “Venezuela” and I’m only 99% sure that a group of some sort really is monitoring me, and they are also simultaneously monitoring Vico, but my brain is no longer objective, or maybe I am being too skeptical and that I’m actually very grounded despite what is likely happening to me. The only reason, I now realize, for them to visit my website at all “from Venezuela” is if I am really being read on Notion. That’s it. That’s the only certainty. Why would a random Venezuelan visit my social media or visit my website from IG? Two days in a row? Impossible. Nobody has done that. So they really know about my obsession with Vico, and they are making me think he is visiting me, because they also know about his firstpost story with Nicolas Maduro and I think I wrote about it in here. They also know about his End of Beginning repost. They can make me think all manner of things. I know I’m not the only one interested in seeing Vico’s posts. 6. Can you imagine the envy that this Anita Love would spark? She is simultaneously beautiful and together with Vico, an “Angel” or a Messenger novelist (and a possible 1/2 Jesus instantiation with Vico), and a leading figure and professor in a joint field of psychophysics and creative writing, and I’m not talking about myself. This description is too alien to me even if I “fit” or am “working on” those goals (not the Vico one, because I realize I could still be delusional right now and there is no link between us probably), simply because I am not sexually attractive on his same level. Unless I get the enhancements, we will truly be ill-matched. He is tall, conventionally attractive, appealing to a lot of people, and does not flaunt this gift. I want to be Anita Love but I do not want to make other women suffer. I suppose Vico had no say because he was born to be who he is. He couldn’t help being attractive. Maybe if I mature I’ll stop caring and lean into the frumpiness so I can whole-ass my intelligence like a steel trap. If I somehow become conventionally attractive I’m not going to dress skimpily in public or flaunt my new assets. Nobody is hating on Sydney for being herself, and I think she’s already conventionally attractive, and Ma’am Lee even took her on as a mentee. Come to think of it, I do not see anyone hating on Shawntel either. I don’t even know why I want to be conventionally attractive. It’s like a dead-end desire. Oh wait, I do. I want to spark the same visual spiceball that Vico manages to do to my brain. Not just to any guy. I mean, I don’t care about mass attention. I feel it’s because I want to give myself over to love, to someone I can gift my beauty to, someone who, if I really loved them, deserves only the best that this world could offer. It’s not that hard to imagine my despair knowing my own body doesn’t provoke the same spiceball energy. Theoretically, we would be unequal, and I would always feel inferior or lacking even if he reassures me, simply because masses of people in my past have destroyed me already when it comes to my looks. It’s a psychological problem that has left material traces and patterns, and which requires material solutions. I don’t believe “being mature” is immediately the best option because gender dysphoria does not go away if you get older. My idea of “woman” was always tied to beauty because of my mom and sister looking alike, so I naturally didn’t fit that, and experienced real gender dysphoria even if I wasn’t trans. ### CRAFT 1. Standard: that catharsis/emotional bottoming-out like in Little Women (2019) when Beth got a new piano and she rightly directed gratitude to the giver first rather than focus on the gift. True Christianity hiding in plain sight. 2. Philip Pullman Northern Lights x C.S. etc. ### RANDOM(X) 1. Writers are social engineers. WAAAAW I AM AN ENGINEER!!! CREATIVE ENGINEERING. I don’t know how I didn’t have social finesse as a special interest when it’s actually crucial to writing great fiction. 2. Mildly panicking at the monetary cost of maintaining my website. It’s such a white elephant but it makes me happy anyway especially on Jan. 12. 3. 1:51PM: Mild dissociative “I am detached from my body” feeling yesterday. Happened twice or thrice. I don’t know why. I’m not _that_ disturbed, but it kind of feels like a momentary autopilot memory glitch. 4. You know what? Isaac Newton might just have been the luckiest schizophrenic next to John Nash. People who are willing to suspend disbelief to the point where they secretly pursue occult studies for decades must not have been “neurotypical” in the basic sense. It was quite normal for society at that time to blend magical thinking with science for some reason, so he was encouraged to pursue it. He was just extremely lucky to have the cognitive reserve to function well even with “psychotic thinking.” I suppose schizophrenic people are a spectrum of privilege and disadvantage too. Whoever gets the “social persuasion” skills (being schizophrenic, it is so unlikely for them to possess an inherent motivation to be good at persuasion and social influence simply because of biology which they have in common with autism) as well as “groundbreaking innovation” will probably make other people subscribe to their ideas even if they cannot be evaluated by the scientific method at present. 5. OMG WHAT???? THAT BABY IN HIS GIGIL PICTURE. IT’S TALI???????!!!! 6. 6PM: OMG I JUST REALIZED. SDO OFFICER = PAOLO? I’M INSANE NOW. The only problem is I can’t exactly tell how distant or involved Paolo is in this. Why is he giving me this signal so nakedly? This is theoretical right? If I somehow “met Vico” through being spread by Paolo I would feel conflicted in the same exact way he feels about his father. This realization didn’t hit me fully when I first noticed him thanking the SDO officer. WTF is wrong with my brain? Oh wait, I was thinking of Paloma but Paolo was just hiding beneath and I couldn’t see him. 7. So I just realized that I’m 99% sure that they are indeed making me think Vico is watching me. Otherwise, why would I get website visits from Venezuela who keep clicking on my social media too or are led from my IG? That’s too unusual. Two days in a row. And 2 visits in the same day from Philippines and Venezuela hours apart. And Vico hasn’t posted stories since Friday I think. It’s either he’s too busy or that he really told his team not to post anything to send a message? I cannot tell. They are deliberately making me delulu again because of the Venezuela visits making me think that I’m somehow a “priority” because him not posting at all since Saturday means that all of them have agreed to make me think this. I know I got an accretion of meaning from the visits landing on 7 and 12 from PH and Venezuela but objectively, really, what could be the real motive here? I just think, theoretically, if Vico had any personal stake in this, why would he be so comfortable leading me on? They are training me or something. I am being manipulated to do something. There is no way they are altruistically doing this, if ever I am 100% hacked. 8. So I can just go ahead and assume that the time they visited me is not an accident. 7AM yesterday, but I can’t tell where because I only checked in the afternoon and there were already 2 countries, PH and Venezuela. I searched “7” and there were 119 instances and I found out it’s an emergency number for child abuse in Romania or something. Did they want to make me think this? Because I just know that GOD works mysteriously too, and I kind of agree. But I wasn’t expecting that at all, getting that emotional glory experience. I don’t know how replicable that would be. If I somehow repeat it (highly doubt it, this was set up years in the making since 2019 and I was “playing blind” and unconscious and had the unlikely entity whispering things to me synchronously with Wolfgang and also my middle name and Mozart and Jan 27), maybe people will really believe I am able to “access GOD” at will, which is not sitting right with me, because I don’t want to control GOD. The magic is being blessed with random grace out of nowhere, where you don’t expect anything. 9. I’m still trying to tweak what I really think happened with Wolfang or how it could be a “law.” The emotional valence on my end was astronomical exactly because I did not plan it in advance. I understand clearer that nobody will be able to replicate the emotional glory experience that was years in the making if they consciously used it. It’s not such a law because I don’t know how it could work really. It’s just a highly magnetic synchronicity of many many synchronicities that I can’t shake anymore as non-magical. It was like figuring out the treasure hunt through all of the clues stacked all over the years and it involves my own middle name and my dad’s birthday and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart being a prodigy musician too. I can’t ignore it. It has history beyond me, way before I was even conceived, way before my parents could ever meet (I was told this was a near-miss because my mom just on a whim followed the advice of visiting students to go to Cagayan de Oro because there was a scholarship), way before my grandparents could be conceived. The fact that I gravitated towards Wolfgang Iser who was a random literary critic whose last name involves the “chosen people” of God. The fact that I even wrote about them. And how it was always writing about the spectrum of pain that I withstood that honed my “talent” and fluency. 10. Yeah, I don’t know why it didn’t hit me the first time, the Wolfgang. That’s a mystery. ### **MORNING PAGES** REASON: My family’s former maid, Lydia, never probably got closure like me. I don’t know what to do. She posts a lot about giving back to her relatives now and sponsors birthdays and gives gifts. Maybe being fired was her wake up call. She wasn’t as “lucky” as me. I can look at all of my trauma but I still truly believe I’m privileged. If she had the same opportunities like me, and it could have always been her anyway if we were magically switched at birth, maybe I would turn 50+ and only attempt to atone for my mistake, never fully achieving catharsis for the greatest pain of her life of being forced to live with a gifted kid who is privileged and probably made her resentful. I wish I could do more. The fact that I can’t do anything to help her is killing me. I know exactly what would probably solve her emotional needs aside from material needs. She will never be able to appreciate literature because she is locked out of my world. How do you even begin to fix a wound like that when you’re beyond saving? It’s not like GOD hasn’t seen her entire life too. They must know how deeply scarring it is to be exposed to glory you are rigged to want simply because of circumstance and whim. I got “lucky” because GOD personally made me a Jesus of some sort, dying for sins I did not do during a period pure innocence (and a crime so evil at that, whose evil got imaged in the punishment of humiliation), suffering the punishment while my abusers walk free because of grace, and common grace at that. How do you even begin to explain the “luck” of grace? Without igniting envy and resentment? This is GOD’s main problem with election, why Satan hated Them, why They seem so remote because of their infinitely asymmetric power that they do not apparently bother to correct or atone for in some disgruntled subjects who might not be totally malicious, just acting out of scars and pain. To replicate that Jan. 11, 2026 for Lydia in some way would ease my current suffering. See, my past attempts with the poultry business story about my own family’s life (just the poultry proprietor background, not the dying and guilt, but the workers really stole chicken feeds) in “Seasons of Mourning” was just too selfish and undirected really. Nothing in it really could have helped a lay person who actually worked at a poultry farm, except maybe feeling “seen” that I described their day-to-day suffering accurately and hyper-realistically with heat making you vomit with acid shoots in your empty stomach and worrying about “what tomorrow could not bring.” I suppose I achieved that, but what else? I haven’t sold this story, and maybe I can donate my earnings from it if I do. Poor people deal with the most visceral trauma on earth and nobody is helping them because it is too addicting and rewarding to ignore them. Imagine having a life situation and the people on top are addicted to making you even more miserable and lose more and it’s actually worse that they don’t personally know you but their actions are highly personal and deadly. GODDAMMIT.