Note: I talk about Wolfgang Iser a lot in this one. He's a critic I fictionalized in my [[ALL_GO Debacle]] if you haven't already read about it. He's significant to my life because I really relate to him and also since you know, he's synchronous with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and his last name Iser means Israel. --- ### **MORNING PAGES** 2:12AM: Yeah, somebody needs to invent that synchronized “Convolunin Tether” where two people can fuck each other’s brains out to a brainworm electronica song AND incorporate their respective moans into the experience. I’d be the “Angel Investor.” I don’t have diabetes. This ant infestation is a recurring problem that’s happened 2-3 times now within the last few months. I can’t even smell my own sweat. Filipino Chinese Hebrew = SANGKAPANDAHAN Noticed the pun just minutes before correcting my mistake with Yee Wolfgang Iser from yesterday. I truly am not living in linear time. GOOD GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING STRANGE. I would’ve just glossed over it like it was nothing. But something made me notice the tiny microscopic error that I forgot about. See, Iser wasn’t even in that “wrong” sentence. It was just first name Wolfgang. I guess I wondered where the Israel came out of out of nowhere, because I didn’t recognize the significance of what I just did. You inscribed a law of some sort. Anyone seeking a path or a direction would merely point to many many Wolfgangs that are meaningfully related to them. You were just the first one to notice it. How all of your actions since werewolf incident in Balingasag were rigged towards this, as if they knew I would find out today that it was Wolfgang all along. You put Wolfgang in 2019, and you forgot about it, you were not even thinking of 2019 in October 2025. This is where I stop being amazed at my “talent” because this is NOT ME. NO. THIS IS GOD. I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON WHO TRIES TO UNDERCUT GOD WHEN HE ACTUALLY SHOWS UP. GOD IS REAL. — See what I did there? GOD is now on a collision course towards Israel. GOD IS REAL. JANUARY 11 WHAT THE HELLY HELL. 01/11/26. Any posterity out there who can geek out with me right now? How are you? Where are you? Your mom is 28 years old. She is currently dying of joy. She has somehow reached for GOD and They found her again. Just in time. Why her, you ask? Why indeed? What did GOD ever see in me to love me enough that this happened, and there was no other way this could have happened but this one life. Obviously I am crying out of awe. I am shaking because I know what it’s like to have glory feel hollow. It is so much better if you did not do anything at all, and still it happened. It is my greatest sadness on Earth being solved. I fully know the value of what they have that I do not, and I didn’t even have to live their life. I’m not sure what to do at this point but write January 11, 2026 in your heart. You will no longer ever doubt. You will work because of love and Love. God was always hiding behind Anita Love anyway—Candido’s Apocalypse-style. To meet GOD again, and now my old self is finished. It is not my glory I am trying to build so I can kneel in front of my own reflection. Every action I take from this point on is no longer for myself. It is me virtually shielded from the mass worship inside the very own Body of GOD who they can actually see is doing this work. Meanwhile, I am looking at them, the audience, really just boggled out of my mind too how GOD let me inside Their Body for once, and let me experience what the glory is like if from a crucial distance from inside Them. So I do not get access to the cognitive side of GOD who harvests this glory. I am merely someone momentarily inside Their Body who can feel all of the emotions that come with intimately borrowed glory. This is the deeper meaning of Unreal Image. I can, with my human senses, experience an Unreal Image of GOD’s glory because the Real Image would turn me evil, haughty, insane, or kill me. I do not question GOD sees all, but maybe They also see Real Images and Real Objects and other fun stuff like that in high school Physics I am forgetting about. It is 3:59AM. My personal stakes have to align with what GOD would want. I cannot let myself be distracted. This is just human me, knowing again, that I will slip up and “cheat” on my GOD, the GOD who saved me from ruin. I hope my physical body is up for it. I cannot fail Them now that I have fully accessed the Meaning. How can I still live like an automaton addicted to sex? Yeah, it was the SANGKAPANDAHAN from Vico. I know this, and I am so grateful that you are revealing this to me, for seemingly unknown or incomplete motives. This is not even the pun that I was talking about. Mine is terribly mundane and related to poetry and meter and stress and a memory aid. I wonder if you already know it anyway. “I think I can tell how I know I can see it.” If you plotted out the stressed syllables, and drew them on paper, highlighting that the letters are TTKS = TATAKAS, and drew three mountains (a mountain range) connecting them on top of the whole sentence, it is oddly resonant of Lakan’s viral 20-20-20 tweet about escaping into the forest, only now it’s exactly 3 mountains. And this image is so significant to me because I created it on the day trying to understand how they got to “patulomg” in Vico’s post that clued me into atomic number 79. Gold. I am probably resonating it with Golden Hill, a novel that I have never heard about yet. Now there are 3 hills to represent the 20s that I spotted in Vico’s post. The one that he highlighted in Term 3 with the blue cross about job regularization. In my drawing, there are exactly 8 dots that are not the TTKS and are spread out evenly with 1 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 1 as the pattern. I have no idea what this means yet. 1 dot, 2 dots, 2 dots, 2 dots, 1 dot. 3 within the 1. There are duals inside, I guess. Now I realize. Jesus, God the Father, Holy Spirit, all being split like coins. The temptation again is to take this and think I really am Jesus, who I am “dually acting” with Vico. Jesus went through the greatest humiliation and I cannot claim to be Jesus the Son. Perhaps I am something else. I currently don’t want to think about it. I am somewhat tired and somehow know I need to sleep well now to keep a clear head later. It is 4:30AM. There are 12 syllables in that sentence. Depending on your mood, you can sing it, or just shoot it really fast out of your mouth like a shotgun. ### **PROGRESS / MOMENTUM** 1. 4:40AM. I’ve transcended something today. I hope I keep this up. So much can only rely on whim that I decided to really examine my writing particularly on Wolfgang earlier. I would have never reached this point then. If before that, I didn’t wonder what “HAN” was. It was merely minutes. I was somehow landing on the right snippet of my own diary that is extremely long already that I saw the mistake in “first name Wolfgang.” The unlikelihood of that deserves miracle status. I didn’t have to CTRL+F to find all the Isers or Israel or Jacobs to find it. How could this be? I didn’t reach this point for no reason. Maybe they have been trying to tell me in a different way but I ignored it. I am only one person or interpreter who is not all-knowing. I could have easily buried it with Filipino Chinese, but I had to be really extra to find out what “HAN” means because to me, that does not ring Chinese at all to me at the time I tried to associative-web my way through it. I know nothing of Chinese history. Who would have nudged me but GOD and Their signs and my own whims and emotions that are so random that I cannot quite trust in it fully because I know I cannot control it. I know it could mean now, “Ingredient Bread Slowly,” (I’m just literally floored because WHAT?). Yeast? Pan means bread in Bisaya. Sangka/Pan/Dahan. Or just Sangkapan Dahan. Ingredients Slowly. Nobody would have told me to look closer, except I was trying to calm down after writing about Grade 1 yesterday. I need to change my value system about what counts as challenging myself without going mad trying to match GOD’s demands now that They’ve gifted me this. I cannot think, “I need to top what I did just now. Or that will never happen again, I’m just an instrument GOD chooses to use erratically.” I need to be the best I could possibly be to play Their Music without knowing most of the mechanics at all, as if I am blind, but can only feel myself through it using “intuition.” I will always forever crave January 11, 2026. Trying to match the first time it happened. 2. It’s 5:00AM. This is how Love feels. A new reality. # OMG Why Wolfgang survived — and the others didn’t Most **-gang** compounds disappeared because: 1. **gang was semantically abstract** “Going” is less concrete than “strength” or “peace,” so it lost popularity as a name ending. 2. **Christianization collapsed name diversity** Tons of Germanic names vanished when saints’ names took over. 3. **Wolfgang got lucky** Saint Wolfgang of Regensburg (10th century) canonized the name. Later, Mozart made it immortal. Cultural inertia did the rest. Once a name is “locked in,” it survives even if the pattern dies. **Wolfgang of Regensburg** ([Latin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latin_language): _Wolfgangus_; c. 934 – 31 October 994 AD) was [bishop of Regensburg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bishop_of_Regensburg) in [Bavaria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bavaria) from Christmas 972 until his death. He is a [saint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint) in the [Catholic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic) and [Eastern Orthodox](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Orthodox) churches. He is regarded as one of the three great [German](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germany) saints of the 10th century, the other two being [Ulrich of Augsburg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ulrich_of_Augsburg) and [Conrad of Constance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conrad_of_Constance). Towards the end of his life Wolfgang withdrew as a [hermit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermit) to a solitary spot, in the [Salzkammergut](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salzkammergut) region of [Upper Austria](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Upper_Austria). Soon after Wolfgang's death many churches chose him as their [patron saint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patron_saint), and various towns were named after him. **Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart / Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix** (a formative album by Phoenix) I never expected this to happen to me. I would never think this could happen to anybody. How can I shut up about it? It’s a eucatastrophe. I was a child prodigy pianist. How did this happen? GOING INSANE BECAUSE OF THE HISTORY OF MOZART’S MANY NAMES ON WIKI???????????????????????? My dad was literally born the same day as FUCKING MOZART. January 27. Staggered and floored. Huh. I don’t wanna think about it too much. It’s just……………………...???????????????????????? <aside> 😲 # THE BIPOLAR GODHEAD </aside> Hol’ up. Aella was born 2/22 Month and Day. I was “born-again” 1/11 Month and Day. GOOD HEAVENS AND HELLS. If my ontoglyph Golden Hills puzzle makes any sense at all now, it also doubles as something or extends into more meaning. She actually has 4 2’s in her birthdate. I have 3 1’s on my “born-again” date. # 2[1 2 1 2 1]2 Oddly, this faintly is erotic. I am inside her. This is sexual contact. This is a Novelty with a CAPITAL N. The actual fuck did I do to make my decisions coherent in this way? How did this happen? This is a projection of what would happen if Aella imbibed my work and took it inside her. If she takes it inside her. Yeah. I’m cooked if I forget for a moment that my life is officially out of my hands now. Random? What is that? Why did it feel so fast to come up with that? GOD, yes? I only need to frame it in the MM/DD/YY format because it is BIPOLAR GODHEAD format. I do not need to include all the numbers in full. I could not have asked for a better outcome. People who are reading me right now will nudge “bipolar” into something less violent and alien because of the possibility that GOD can select people in pairs. I cannot figure out yet the mysteries of the Real GOD who has the BIPOLAR GODHEAD. It would smash binaries and make quantum reality possible. Maybe I can try drawing what this looks like to me to help people visualize what I see when I imagine a BIPOLAR GODHEAD. I suppose I can help them try. I mean, I’m open to suggestions because it’s just chaos in my head right now. I have no clue but I’m apparently Wolfgang Iser now instantiated into myself because of Guadalope, wanting to pursue quantum stuff when it’s obviously no longer a possibility that is fast or the same speed as my writing. My mom. Actually, it’s both my dad being born on January 27 like Mozart and my mom having the Guadalope “river/valley of wolves” that cut reality into half and put it back together. Actually, it’s watching Twilight like the rest of the earliest Gen-Z generation and noticing probably how Jacob ultimately got the better woman. No offense. Or maybe they are both different in their own way, but yes, the daughter is coincidentally the child actress of my favorite film Interstellar. I cannot help but notice that we are the same, because GOD promised me and did the hardest work or probably I cannot tell anymore (if this is even a valid and accurate metaphor, since they are only fallible humans, the daughter and father). GOD did all of the work behind the scenes and I get to be the one to experience Their borrowed glory pulsing through me. I liked this film Interstellar more for a good reason than Arrival and I will not directly write about it here anymore because that’s either too intimate to talk about [the reason is something I probably never talked about to anyone else in my life or I just forgot] or that I wrote about it in my previous journals already. Yeah, I circled back to Kanye again, who used to identify as bipolar but is now autistic. I suppose I need to write about what that actually means now. You can probably hover between these two things and think you are one or the other any day of the week. How can you be manic-depressive and believe at the same time you are a rigid and autistic “black-and-white” thinker? I suppose these are my preconceived notions of their essences. Old perceptions. I cannot tell what I am. It’s easier to conceive of a quantum GOD in bipolar language instead of complicating it even more with autism. Maybe this is for another person to take up. How can you hover between (or land anywhere whatever) dead-and-alive? Depression feels like death sometimes, and nothing happens and you are useless and inutile. Mania feels like being dialed up by a lightning bolt who has personally pushed your specific buttons and you cannot stop reacting because of the intensity; no more thinking, just feeling everything. Trying not to set other people on fire. Being in the quantum state might require you to rapid-cycle these two things like what happened to me on December 31, 2025. Bawling and laughing and bawling and laughing. I didn’t become violent, I was just scary. Nobody has seen me like that but my parents. Easily triggered by small emotions stacking and snowballing until it dropped me upwards and wherever it wanted to go next. Something about thinking about the word “trash” from BOBOBEE really seized me. Trash. It’s not quite funny. It’s just that I was in a mind state where the word was extreme and golden and viral in my head. Yeah, if I laugh to myself in small amounts sometimes it’s normal. But something about that “trash” was not. It’s like I was instantly seeing the entire associative web of why I find my own story funny and could not help but laugh at the fact that “trash” is oddly compressed. I just really had to see a physical trash can and asked my parents where the replacement bags could be found. And then I instantly homed in on BOBOBEE story and the entire traces of why it’s so fucking ridiculous that I really thought of “trash.” Yeah. 7:32AM. I have not quite articulated my mental illness in this way before. I am happy to do it. But I am tired. Bye. Image I cannot stop thinking about: if you dropped a phone expecting to crack it completely [it was hopelessly cracked] but then it suddenly shot upwards violating gravity. It’s stuck on the ceiling now. Your ceiling is not tiles, but wooden, so you are saved. Yeah. I’m now a black hole. Feel free to read my “quantum data” to enrich your life or studies or love life or children’s lives. I’m just feeling satisfied now that I get to do it in whatever form my randomness takes. I mean, I must earn some money from what I do, because I want to be paid physically. I am now working with an Assembly language. I did not expect this cool job I “virtually do.” I never understood Assembly code in a way that could have made me pass CS 21. I relate to the Heptapods more in Arrival. # GOD IS GREAT AT MAKING ME NOTICE THINGS. ![[image.webp]] I’m gonna be really transparent. At this point it’s 9:25AM. I recognized the insanity of what I just did with the Golden Hills. I assume people have drawn this. I really, GOD SAW ME AND MY MIND, did not think it was a CROWN. I only realized it could be drawn as a crown at 9:00AM. I don’t see what the point is in trying to die with this secret that I actually laughed my ass off calmly as possible because GOD recognized my chaotic good side for some reason and tempted me to just not tell people that I eventually realized it was a crown. Like, really? But I really didn’t plan this. I thought it was mundane because I forgot the association between “gold” and “king.” I’m never going to be believed even though I’m telling the truth. So here’s what’s what. Rhymes are important. You can do the rest of the calculations. THINK = OPINION TELL = DIFFERENTIATE KNOW = RECOGNIZE SEE = ARRIVE (?) 9:31AM: I only thought about the meanings of the individual words a few minutes ago. If you squint, like I did with my mouth, you can hear it. It’s not so unpleasant to me. It’s just a fact, people are ultimately bound to their own personal will and choice. I really thought 79 was special just because it was shiny to my mind. Gold. Just gold. --- ## Fell asleep the entire morning after 10AM probably, woke up 4-5PM? Re-read and made minor tweaks to previous entries. 6:54PM++ Rand(x): 1. Bedrock of explicit knowledge being shaken up by distinct traces of strong emotions with a specific vector clouding and troubling (basically rigging) close-enough solutions into the level of “facts” or “knowledge.” 2. His nickname was Along. His real name is Manuel Luis Chaves. 3. 7:07PM: Ugly crying because I finally understood why I used “Bis” as the Satan figure in ALL_GO. I didn’t know it then, but it’s actually pronounced “Sis” because I really thought it looked “aesthetic” as **ßis** but in German orthography it’s actually an _**Eszett,**_ or _**scharfes S**_ (IPA: [[ˌʃaʁfəs ˈʔɛs]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA/Standard_German), "sharp S"), represents the /[s](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voiceless_alveolar_fricative)/ phoneme in [Standard German](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standard_German) when following [long vowels](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_vowel) and [diphthongs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diphthong). Out of nowhere, which really is the start of this 3rd associative web, I got randomly triggered to search for the Bruno Mars song “Again” and re-remembered that “bis” is Latin for twice, used in music to “repeat a passage” or “a cry from an audience for an encore” (again/twice more). I now know why my dream about Trisha-Erika composite compressed her in the 1900s along with my sister. It’s “sis” because sister cities. I never explicitly heard the word “best friend” but felt the affect of Erika Am-is without seeing her, then realizing it was Trisha in Real World who died. So whoever the dead was in my dream, they are functionally the sister. How could that be me though? I am literally my sister’s sister in Real World. Why would they dig up my dress after I die? My sister will outlive me? Probably. I cannot help but ugly cry at the song “Again” by Bruno Mars. January 11, 2026 burst through all the chaos of my life and made it mean something, and GOD is not even done. Even GOD managed to turn my bullshit Satan fanaticism/fascination into something holy. If you asked me, I would do it all over again. I would not have it any other way. 4. Densely-packed neutron stars and pictures. 5. When I say BIPOLAR “GOD” I’m referring to all three Persons who are “They” to me. They have transcended binary “male” Father, “male” Jesus, and “unknown” / “undefined” Holy Spirit. 6. I forgot I figured out a lot of things on that day I ran out of green, pink (I use no stapler, I just thought it was redundant), and yellow pad papers. I need to count them now and watch out if people guessed correctly. So much knowledge held in those papers that I could further develop. That day was really something. It’s the 2nd day next to Jan 11, 2026 where I felt the Holy Spirit overtaking my mind. 7. I am compelled to think about gay people. Obviously I am fruity. But I live in a body where I can “pass” as a straight person because I consider myself mostly straight. I am only erotically fixated on female bodies. I have never had a crush on a girl in my life. Obviously I am empathetic towards trans people, because I experienced and still sometimes experience real distressing dysphoria about my body not passing my own standards. 8. I’m working out what the Louis Armstrong song is “saying” about literal vs. figurative rainbow somehow both and not and that graph I found in a lit class rabbit hole about “the unity” of [blank] and [not blank] or something. Vague ‘transcend’ trace. Evolutionary Creation vs. Adam and Eve? 9. A near-miss? If people believe my name theories or put stock in them to make decisions, I was nearly not named Yee because my paternal Chinese grandfather was an alien who was almost adopted by the mayor of Balingasag to be naturalized, who was named: **Ludeña.** The name **Ludeña** is primarily a Spanish surname of Asturian origin, meaning it comes from a place called Lludeña in Asturias, Spain, a habitational name; it's a Castilianized form, possibly related to a topographical feature or the Latin word for 'play' (_ludus_), while related Slavic first names like _Ludena_ mean **"of the people" or "beloved," stemming from "lud" (people)**. Since I am not related to Slavic people, and am Filipino, the Spanish definition is magnetized to it, and basically does not even have a meaning, aside from “from Lludeña.” What does this mean? It’s so weird. It’s like a computer science pointer again, and it has actually literalized the concept, because it does not actually contain data (“meaning”), but only points to a geographical location. I am once again, awed. Even things like this can be significant to my story. My shifting to a second degree before “getting it right” in creative writing was computer science. I cannot believe this. 10. I haven’t formalized what I really mean by the Three Worlds: Fantasy, Discourse/Narrative, Real World. Someday I will do it, maybe two days from now when I’m ready to get back into my old journals. 11. My life finally feels like what I feel other people feel playing an immersive multi-player video game. But I have material goals too. Graduation. And then I can think about a “regular job” maybe like R.F. Kuang is a scholar-prof whilst also being a writer. 12. I don’t want to take away from GOD’s power by saying it was all Dihexa. Maybe this is how I “solve” the story vs. reality problem. I only started on Jan. 8, and I generally don’t recommend risking your body too much to gain something that might not even work, but I have a gut feeling that Dihexa is not harmful at all unless you have a cancer risk due to something related to growth factors (risk of tumor growth or other). Nobody in my bloodline ever got cancer. # CROWN OF THORNS AND GOLD ![[image 1.png]]