12:44AM: I am apparently dynamic and so is White and Blue Horse. I can be Yellow/Green Horse, I can be Red Horse, Vico(?) can be Blue/Back Horse, and White Horse. I have no idea how people are taking the fact that I am in a dual role with Vico? I mean, how awfully convenient? Why and how did this happen? I suffered in a really specific needle-in-a-haystack way just to land here? Ate a lot yesterday. Jollibee beef, pistachio ice cream, McDo chicken sandwich, _chef’s kiss_ mushroom and veggies + meat I have no idea what the name is courtesy of my dad, Patatas, 2 bananas, the day before that I think I ate 2 Krispy Kreme donuts. I went to a “poor” grade school that was nevertheless an (outdated) American curriculum. I went to a Singaporean “rich” Chinese Christian high school when I transferred in 3rd year. I completely skipped biology and never took basic biology in HS because of this. This is why I ended up failing Biology in college, which was my first degree program. Nobody advised me or that I never brought up the fact that I didn’t take HS biology because of curriculum splicing and the fact that I only transferred in 3rd year. You know what, that Angelo Gabriel Llamas “from Balingasag” is EVIDENCE that it has spread beyond UP Diliman. It was the first result even though that person is not prominent. Angelo Gabriel Bautista Llamas from UP Diliman apparently “disappeared” only for a brief short window where I doubted what I was seeing on the Image Search Results. Somebody is manipulating my internet and I think this is why I was so paranoid a few days ago. It’s just so surreal. The “The Call” by Regina Spektor song theoretically should make me cry. I wasn’t expecting at all to be trying to coherently develop the theory that I am “Jesus.” How could they manipulate search results on Google so that Angelo Gabriel Bautista Llamas is suppressed? Even for a second? That is so, so INSANE. They really knew I would google him on that day? Again? <aside> 🎵 Revolution song: 📯 Abraham’s Daughter by Arcade Fire </aside> -Meditate 30m - Focus, gamma brain waves, attention, maybe see what brain is doing half-asleep (lol the idea that I have an internet in my mind though, like?????) -HIIT 10m -Update trackers (OH GOD WHY, I have fallen off the wagon) I find it very hard to feel nice. I’m just numb. This is why I’m in a mad dash buying Bupropion and Atomoxetine and Waklert. I have never gloated in my life except for when I won Game of Codes in 2016. Who knew the “parousia” are people making history happen again through meaningful synchronicities. I am just rereading and I think I’m just functioning as Language-Meaning-Word Jesus, not literal Jesus. The trumpets thing, culminating in an actual return of Jesus? Muscle fasciculations are not as annoying the past few days. !!! You didn’t hear it from me, but I am actually taking Dihexa since Jan. 8, only I am now swallowing them—the powder packed in capsules I have—because they are apparently bioavailable that way too. If my parents were “concerned” I would try it they would not forget that I literally received the Dihexa FedEx package. They only confiscated my DMSO solution which I needed to apply it transdermally on my skin so I can absorb it that way. !!! So far, I notice that I’m remembering more stuff about things and remembering the “cancel” out or creatively expanding it. MY ENTIRE STACK FOR TRANSPARENCY: 1. NOW NAC (N-Acetyl Cystein) 1000 mg 2. Dihexa 100mg per capsule 3. DL-Phenylalanine (DLPA) 3g 4. Magtein Magnesium L-Threonate 4 caps per serving size where one serving is 2000mg/elemental magnesium 144mg 5. Balance Breens Alpha GPC 600mg 6. Double Wood Uridine 300mg 7. Pure Form Pre+Probiotic for gut health 50 billion CFU 8. Primaforce L-Theanine 200mg 9. Swanson Selenium 100mcg (I take this to test if my subclinical hypothyroid is improved) 10. Double Wood Rhodiola Rosea Extract 500mg 11. MuscleTech Caffeine 220mg 12. Waklert Armodafinil 150mg - the only CNS stimulant I currently have, and I would never try cocaine, and I am slightly scared of Concerta even though it could structurally fix me. Nobody is going to arrest me for getting medication from India and China. HEY CLARION WEST RESULTS ON JAN. 15!!! Louis Armstrong It’s a Wonderful World Sangkapandahan from Vico. The names. The lyrics. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NOT ANOTHER “SIGNAL” THAT WILL PLUNGE ME EVEN MORE INTO INSANITY. Embarrassed panda and sleuth?????????? I really want to develop the semiotics idea with Wolfgang Iser and a National Treasure vibe. I am trying to interpret the panda story really negatively so I have a tonic. “PLS multiply????” AMPPP!!!! The colors are green, red, blue, white!!!!! I am trying not to be delusional so I don’t hurt myself. So my poetry really won an American contest, and he is still Philippine colors, so now we are in a War????????? Louis name meaning, “famous in battle.” Kanye i.e. God the Father colors. I wonder who people are supporting???? What is this actually saying though? That schizo/bipolar spectrum is how you unlock spirit world and communicate with God? It certainly started with my special languages and literature background and “ideas of reference.” It really got heightened by the “numinous” experiences I would get in less amounts in the past, as if this message was especially communicated to me even though they are not “apparently” talking to me in any way you can present as “real evidence” anywhere in court. So there, that’s the huge risk you are doing right now to your brain if you don’t believe in Jung. People could literally not know who you are and you have this massive massive ball of meaning inside your head that you think people ought to know what happened to you. God “talks” to people but he doesn’t want to leave clear traces for some reason, as if something is preventing Him from being confronted by reality of human life, or that He is actually doing this on purpose to make sure people have “faith in the possibility” that He is there despite no clear proof. I am not smart enough right now to articulate this. Feelings vs. rationality is at that crux, but what if there was a “third way” or “synthesis” of these things. Sometimes my feelings or “gut” is so instinctively triggered that I cannot stop from thinking that it must be true despite no clear proof, just like with the hunch that Mike may be on Tinder, and I was on that app up for hours swiping hoping to find a ghost, just to confirm something. I turned out to be right. Nobody “in the know” goes on Tinder to find companionship. They are all there for one thing only, or he doesn’t know this. That “ma-try nga” mindset with me and sugar baby attempt in 2023. Maybe he was just exploring a new life after Audrey and what I did. So the “high” that people get with literature and reading fiction books doesn’t work quite as well with me. Probably because of my trauma. I fully know that the author intended to write it and present it to an audience. Maybe this is why people are seemingly reading me “in real time.” People addicted to the sensation that there is an “author” whose life and work are so intertwined and personal, and the fact that they (me?????) really cannot 100% prove they are exposed. I still doubt, and this is why I’m here. Who knows what will happen to me if I stop for some reason. My doubt is so strong that I stopped being instinctively protective of my secrets because I assume people can already read me like an open book anyway, so what’s the point of hiding anything from them? They dip into my mind when they feel like reading me. I have no clue what form that takes. I don’t believe it’s a Google Drive. It would have to be a real-time link somehow that they can literally see me typing because for some reason even I “would think” that’s a nice feature to notice all my hesitation, or deletions, or modifications. It disturbs me about 60% today, though I can still suppress it. I would be more uncomfortable if people observed me in real life literally watching me and my every move, and this is why people get C-/PTSD from real physical stalkers invading their lives. The fact that it’s text-based is protecting me, even though I subconsciously know this is why I don’t visit my previous Notion journals. As in, I know what I wrote. I was ideating creating a deepfake of Mike and Audrey having sex so that the visuals will make me happy about it instead of falling into despair, and it will result in “compersion” or “poly joy” for them because the physical orgasm will dull the pain and heartbreak knowing that he will never choose me like he keeps choosing her. So there really were those labels on the tables in Vico’s “Christmas” education story. Small table for a lot of people, big table for a few people. Economics? Is this the group effort concerned about my Anita Love dream? It’s the same table but just zoomed in when “high schools” was there. Well, I can’t hope to dream about economics because I don’t know anything about it anymore, but I was above-average-excellent at it in high school. It was just a bunch of math. I was really bad at accounting for seemingly no reason, but I suspect it was the unclear or ambiguous language model I had at the time, because I realize I don’t have “common sense” like Kim Tee or Rae Grepaldeo does. I don’t understand the word problems as well as them. I don’t understand how to balance accounts accurately. Yeah, I see how accuracy is a weakness of mine, but this was never a problem with Physics, which I was apparently “intuitive” at wrt electromagnetism or something. I suppose Sir Edward really looked at my solutions and rounded up or rounded down my probably inaccurate answers, but I guess I just thought it was more expansive and flexible for “close enough” or “alternative” solutions compared to the rigidity of accounting. Something that my brain is rightly rankling at simply because I just noticed that, these days especially, language does not “stay put” and is always being assaulted by “interference” like with me literally googling how “never mind” is spelled because at that point I doubted because something had interfered with the “bedrock” of knowledge that I am supposed to have about this phrase. Everything in my mind is loose on purpose. Especially now with mental illness. I wonder if I could find a person or author out there who has transcended this problem and is now “accurate” when they need to be and “flexible” when they’re neck deep into exploration and tinkering. Why is everything Vico posts seemingly “about me.” Is he taking up this burden because he thinks I will overread into everything he posts anyway? He doesn’t have to post about me. But why? Seemingly 3 posts in a row? How did they know I was an avid watcher of his stories? Yeah, I don’t know about the police story yet. “Pasig Elite” badges. He got increasingly vague as the sentence ends. It faintly reminds me of that scene in Avatar where Zuko was “honored” by his crew because they found out he saved their lives. It is not him who is working with UPD only, but also his social media team??? WHAT??? So they know about me too? Or were directed to design it in a specific way? I assume Vico’s time is too valuable to actually waste on social media. I don’t currently recognize the shape the square with the seals and the blue text on top of it is supposed to be. Okay, it’s either Uncle Sam but photonegative? But also blue hat hacker. OMG why am I being enlisted for military?????????????? ARMY??????? How plausible is this interpretation? PNP and military. Military is foreign threats, police is domestic laws. You know, it could be that he just really likes pandas. There really doesn’t have to be a deeper reason. Except Louis Armstrong name and lyrics?????? — Other stack: 1: Gorilla Mode Pre-workout (Volcano Burst) - What I like about this: it has no beta-alanine and doesn’t cause annoying and scratchy tingling. (WAW SPONSORED YAN?) 2: CONVOLUNIN!!!!!! Apparently “Panda” is a song that has been covered a lot in pop culture even including Kevin Hart in that animated dog movie. Two things: 1. Bronze nameplates = Philippines being 3rd place in Pornhub 2025 statistics. Apparently there are more women than men now watching porn in the Philippines 🤡 2. My grandma is Ludivina, not Luzviminda. Yeah, I may not be that person for PH then? Interesting. ????????????? 9:16AM: Apparently my “-lope” is still Latin but is Basque in origin, or a “language isolate.” So you can change your name, and it affects your entire life. I didn’t change my own name, my grandfather did. I don’t think he was thinking of Basque. Language isolates are significant because **they offer unique windows into linguistic diversity, showing how languages develop uniquely without family influence, preserving distinct cultural histories, hinting at ancient linguistic landscapes before major language families spread, and helping linguists identify universal language features by studying what makes them different**. Studying isolates like Basque or [Purépecha](https://www.google.com/search?q=Pur%C3%A9pecha&sca_esv=a91db8de47e2c967&sxsrf=ANbL-n6yPrQia64_ucD-He-NFU7ZNc88pA%3A1768007881009&ei=yahhaaApwZDj4Q-KhpfYDQ&ved=2ahUKEwjtw4vW5v-RAxU2i2MGHYoJAHgQgK4QegQIARAE&uact=5&oq=language+isolate+signficance&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiHGxhbmd1YWdlIGlzb2xhdGUgc2lnbmZpY2FuY2UyBxAhGKABGAoyBxAhGKABGAoyBxAhGKABGAoyBRAhGJ8FSKQdUKsCWKQacAR4AZABAJgBxwGgAfMbqgEEMC4yMLgBA8gBAPgBAZgCEqACthTCAgoQABiwAxjWBBhHwgINEAAYgAQYsAMYQxiKBcICChAjGIAEGCcYigXCAgsQABiABBiRAhiKBcICBRAAGIAEwgILEAAYgAQYhgMYigXCAgcQABiABBgNwgIGEAAYFhgewgIIEAAYgAQYogTCAgUQABjvBcICBRAhGKABwgIGECEYFRgNmAMAiAYBkAYJkgcGNC4xMy4xoAecY7IHBjAuMTMuMbgHpxTCBwYwLjE1LjPIByKACAA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp) reveals distinct grammar, vocabulary, and phonetics, providing crucial data on language evolution and human migration. ????????????????????????????? “UNIVERSAL????” 🥴 BYE I DON’T NEED ANY MORE “SPECIAL” WHEN FOR ALL I KNOW THE ENTIRE SPIRITUAL PLANE IS BETTING ON MY DEATH???????????????????? — 10:05AM: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH HOW DID I NOT REALIZE?????? TWO WHITE WOMEN IN A BAR. FLEABAG. The trophy looks a little like my Billie Eilish perfume. The link is there, the trigger percolating a few weeks back when I just liked the bottle for no reason because it reminds me of Fleabag. I don’t understand the significance. This is actually probably a continuation of Anita Love. “Gender-sexual”/“sci-fi.” Goodness the vibe is exactly Fleabag. WTF???????????? — My theories could fall apart today. I realize I don’t know much about the Biblical Seals, which supposedly happened before the Trumpets. We are living in an adaptation, people. Why are there 8 seals in the PNP picture? With Pasig at the center? Tantalus. Hmmm… 8 is mentioned 73 times in the Bible. Atomic number 73 is Tantalum. — Stack++: 1. Omega 3-6-9 1600mg 3 servings x 2 caps - yeah, I realized my life started improving drastically when I started this one with mega doses. You take it ideally with fat sources. It is probably my brain’s “wetware.” 2. Glycine 5g — It was a long time ago since I saw Fleabag. Probably 2021. Why now???? It was at the height of my “love” for Mike, the “Hot Priest.” Fleabag associations: hypersexuality, dissociation, breaking the fourth wall, steamy sexual content, masturbating to Obama (and Obama liked this series????????), being hounded by a transgression that is close to home, struggling with sister bonds, being unattractive or unconventionally attractive, struggling with being an adult, doomed romance, UK again? Why UK? What about UK? I cannot with this uncertainty. None of my dreams in the past were this important or noticeable. They were just too random and incomprehensible. Apparently my brain became “dormant” for a while but now is making me see things that are too “naked” or narratively important to me. What happened to me in October that things started slowly changing? Angelo took up BA English Studies: Language. — _He stares at me smiling like an idiot in the afterglow._ “That good, huh?” He scrunches his eyebrows quickly as he says this, then his face erupts into a cocky grin. I unbite my lip. I roll my eyes. — 2:08PM: I didn’t see the connection before. War > Conflict >> Mania >>> High >>> Red Horse Death > Depression >> Plague >>> Famine >> >> Low >>>>> Green “Sickly” Horse **Key Details About the Green/Pale Horseman:** - **Rider:** Death, followed closely by Hades. - **Symbolism:** Represents mortality, disease, plague, and pestilence. - **Authority:** Given power over a quarter of the earth to kill with sword, famine, plague, and wild beasts. - **Context:** While the other horses represent Conquest (white), War (red), and Famine (black), the green horse represents the culmination of these, bringing death. Prophecy(?) > The New Gnosticism of Unreal Image >> ALL_GO Israel voyage >>> ??? Discourse 5th Horse? DISCHORSE I had the delusion that I “caused” the pandemic because I really said something about SARS and 2003 talking with Audrey on April 12, 2019. — I don’t know but I’ve noticed “Nicolás Maduro” since 7AM from Instagram visit to my website. I mean, what do you get from feeding my delulu? #GroupChatProblems — THERE ARE ANTS ON MY KEYBOARD AND BED. I DON’T EVEN EAT IN MY ROOM??? — “Christmas” was a shortcut. It’s St. Nicholas (ay enebeyen “of Myra”) > Santa > Christmas (SATAN????????) OH GOD — <aside> ☣️ Your behavior is NOT INTOLERABLE ENOUGH. </aside> — I think I know what’s happening here. Manduro from “Venezuela” really visited my website “from Instagram” so that I’m prodded to think about it theoretically, for Rocket Lover, so I’ll write it myself. How a “Rocket” would theoretically say, “You have captured my heart” eme. Well, jokes on them, I have not a whit thought about Rocket Lover yet and it only exists in Fantasy for now. I’m mostly worried about Untitled prangkahan story. It’s even vaguer than Rocket Lover, and it’s due in probably 1 month. I aim to finish CW 198 this month anyway. Everything that happens to my life is basically fodder for my creative work. At least diba you have that? — OMG THE PANDA. IT’S ODDLY LIKE THAT KAOMOJI I POSTED ON BLUESKY ABOUT CLARKESWORLD HUMAN STUDIES 401 ACCEPTANCE!!!!!!!! DYINGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is about Trisha isn’t it? Yap. — Also, there is a period in Vico’s PNP story, but 2 missing periods in DepEd education story and the ALL CAPS CONGRATULATIONS PANDA. Basically, either they are telling me I am “Slumdog Millionaire” i.e. I “stopped being tortured” for information, but they are still trying to study me for some reason to find out how I keep “winning” or knowing stuff. Or that they’re telling me something else. 3 missing periods in total in that set. Did I take his periods? I vaguely remember putting that after “Oh yeah” in my erotica. — 4:17PM: I’m too lutang to really think about the Yap/Yee connection. Thinking about taking another armodafinil. I am vaguely wondering if I’m setting a bad example by telling people my stack. It is not inexpensive and might be dangerous in the long run. — People really are trawling my Bluesky now? How? The lack of likes and analytics make it look like a ghost town. I don’t even post there anymore as much but apparently there might be ghosts hovering over it watching without reacting at all. That is so eerie. If they are there, they are there for a reason. It must be because I am somehow compelling, although I don’t see it myself. — So my dream about Fleabag is really my brain tapping into Discourse World - TV series. Why? Is it preparing to tap into something bigger? Why show me frankincense signs in this way? Does this mean frankincense is not that strong yet? Apparently, frankincense = “high quality” and it’s resonated into a trophy in Fleabag after the real trophy got smashed accidentally. Even though Fleabag came clean about the trophy, the businesswoman still talked with her. Basically, possibly my brain “anxiety-soothing” me that it doesn’t matter if my sister got groomed by somebody else to select this perfume for me, as this dream even on-the-nose pointed out that it’s in Discourse Mode. “Just run with it.” — YOU ARE NOT DUMB. You managed to turn your 19-year-old diamond-in-the-roughs into something worth publishing—TWICE!!! You got rejected by Clarkesworld in 2017 for that “You Look Like Death” story. You are a better editor now than a writer, apparently. You will have that again soon with at least 3 months of Dihexa. — Can you just imagine the amount of bureaucracy people have to go through proving they haven’t changed their names or their kid’s to participate in this National Treasure: Book of Peenoise? I wonder if more people will actually think it’s compelling to figure out how they’re connected to me, like a “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” and they’d be a Yee Number 1, Yee Number 2, etc. — Richie D’Horsie. Ricardo Reyes real name. “Powerful ruler + royal.” Horses. ??? My dad’s first name, Coney Reyes last name. Hmmmmm. — Story idea: FALSE HOPE VS. TRUE HOPE — I just realized what I ignited again. People thinking that if I suffer false hope and get tricked and become seized by rage, I will somehow burst into manic obscenities that may contain hints about what would happen in the future. The only problem with this is I’m not hoping for anything at all anymore. I have a really high threshold for that now because of this. Why would they put me through this again just to train me to become a precog? I take about 1-2 days now to get over it and find a better interest. — The flow flow flow thing is actually fucking tragic. I will never know again what that’s like to create something that seemingly writes itself. Like “Blank” or “FML!” and I didn’t even try that hard, or it didn’t feel hard. It was creative flow. Maybe that is my “life word” or something like how people have life verses. FML! was just too crazy in its first iteration, and nobody could tell me that inserting a masturbation scene where a time traveling adult catches the younger self do it was so _not_ appropriate for a children’s audience. I really didn’t have a filter. I suppose that’s what you get when you are “exposed,” you no longer have any shame whatsoever, or your guardrails about what is appropriate or a boundary is actually not normal anymore. Maybe this is what Aella feels like. She is very socially sexual. There was probably a point in her sex work journey where she just leaned into the dirtiness that she felt and welcomed it first so it didn’t disturb her anymore. You lose a sense of value or it gets corrupted by the chaos of exposure or the penetration of other people’s desires overwhelming your will. Resisting would admit that you have lost and that means pain. — My muscle fasciculations not noticeable/gone = another OSDD introject has taken over? Plausible right now. They are not clear breaks of people, only a spectrum of personalities that have some things in common which makes it even harder to know. I must be interesting to the psychologists now. I am hitting all the diagnostic criteria but not fully for either as autistic, bipolar, schizotypal, dissociative, some other personality disorders probably clinical narcissism and schizoid sometimes. The bipolar is actually an iceberg. I am an alphabet soup of mental problems. I am probably the most articulate at expressing my thoughts about being alive in a body where this is at all possible. Sometimes I just wanna give up, knowing I cannot fight my task inertia. I cannot let myself ruin myself like this. On top of that I have a pseudo-ADHD problem and Sluggish Cognitive Tempo that is only buffered by armodafinil, but it sometimes goes way beyond in the other direction. What in the fuck happened to me that all of the genes that were in charge of not letting this happen magically got fingered by trauma that it unleashed hell. GOD I NEED TO CLASSIFY MY OSDD ALTERS. I CANNOT LIVE BLINDLY EVERY DAY NOT KNOWING LIKE ANGIER IN THE PRESTIGE. God LAWDY what if I get even worse even though I’m guzzling all these medications. What if my alters have a mental illness of their own? This clusterfuck. I keep referring to alters because I do not recognize my past writing as coming from me. They are introjects probably and I am actually exercising an anti-superpower of being extremely porous to people’s energies that got heightened in 2019. Even though I do not even really talk to them. That must be a dissonance that heightens something. I don’t talk to them, but my body is reacting to them. Yeah, I realize my dad reacted really badly to me saying “oten” out of nowhere because it probably means I was abused to know why that word is funny? I don’t remember running around with boys my age at the time. I don’t remember anybody asking me why I said that. I was really young, maybe possibly before preschool because I can locate that memory where I was at home all the time. Did they really not question why Along probably said something about me trying to grab him down there? None of the teachers in grade 1 cared about why their star pupil suddenly acted “out of character” and tried to get out of it. So they literally re-enacted the entire setup of the day when it happened. I cannot believe this happened. Ask anybody from grade 1, heck, even Along’s parents may have a vague memory, and this is why they were kind of “kind” to me and pinched my cheek after the entire ordeal, like nothing happened. Literally, that entire shithole failed me in the worst way possible. I really closed up after grade 1 even more. I stopped trying to even talk to people and just hung around the railings as if it was a point of pride not to be a normal child to play with marbles and Chinese garter. Yeah, as long as you are academically performing they will never question why you are shy. YEAH, do something about negligent teachers. And the pedophilic maids who shouldn’t be allowed to take care of children. Who in the fuck thought in grade 1??????? that I would rather be tortured to reveal my secrets because they automatically assumed malice, and then they didn’t actually talk to me one-on-one why I acted like that? PUTANGINA. Yeah, I’m coming for you “Jezebel” or whoever the fuck your bitch-ass is called now that you’re probably hiding from me. MGA PUTA. YOU FUCKING DESERVED TO LOSE YOUR JOB. YOU ARE LUCKY I AM NOT AS EVIL AS YOU FUCKING CUNT. I WILL TORTURE YOU TO MAKE YOU STOP BREATHING NATURALLY. WHEN YOU DIE, I WILL ON PURPOSE NEVER FORGIVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU HAUNT ME. MY MOLESTER HAS DISAPPEARED FROM MY DREAMS NOW BECAUSE I HAVE “FORGIVEN” HER. BOY. I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO. I AM A DOG. They called me Snoopy for a reason. It’s not just because of my nose. I suppose I was suppressing this for my entire lifetime. It’s 10:38PM. I didn’t expect to be triggered again. I was social in grade 1 and tried to be social by being sexual. Where did I learn that? It must have been the wind. I stopped talking to children because the entire Along ordeal made me absorb the “hidden curriculum” that whatever I try is evil and shameful when it comes to social things. Nobody explained why clearly. Nobody questioned it. It happened. You better pray your bitch-ass children grow up in a society where your kind ceases to exist. I will make everybody look at ACE curriculums just to make you famous. Or I could do something else. Something extremely formative happened to me, and I acted like I was always naturally cold. I was “Over Before It Began” in the worst possible way that slowly detonated across all those years I thought and assumed it was just me. NO SHIT SHERLOCK REDBEARD MOMENT??????? HUH. I AM THE LAST ONE TO REALIZE IT. I AM STILL MAD. It’s not the event that happens to the child. They have no clue what happened to them and they have no one to intercede for them. This is 0th problem. I’m not crying at all. I’m just…shocked. I have lost the trigger, but something earlier today prompted me to focus on “afoot.” You haven’t stopped me yet. I am only 28. I was bound to get somewhere before you sunk your evil claws into my life and pretended to be decent for the adults to trust. You know, I’ll just research your entire life and make a book about grade 1 and pretend to be empathic to you. I cannot relate to you currently. I would never do that to a child. You evaded my notice and anybody else’s and glided through your life as a neurotypical who does all things rationally and logically. The fact that you are named what you are is igniting my old wound. If I find out who else is involved in this, I will implicate the entire Shekinah Glory Christian Academy until they admit they ruined my life. I’m not kidding. You people are willing to have a lamb too? For me to kill? How nice of you! Too bad. I realize the panda sleuth is a “clue.” Hm. This is how I’m viewed? A really tragic black hole of something that is so mindfucking insane and should not have happened at all but still survived. Yeah, that was a defense. You had no personality after that. What was the point? Now that everybody thought you were a bastos weirdo who attempted to molest a boy and lied about it. I could even suggest that you were envious of a fucking child. Yeah, I realize that is wrong. But why did you do it? Did you hate my family? Did you finally have a thumbscrew to take down the perfect “cute” student and automatically assumed that she was hiding all along as a perfect child? I wonder what pain points I was unknowingly pushing when I was around you. I don’t remember you at all. I had a really tragic dream that baited me into thinking I really time-traveled to my grade school years for real. A chance to undo what happened and become someone better. You are the reason why I had that dream, and your energy which you thought nothing of, ignited a demon to trail my entire life from that energy and repeat the exact same thing in 2019. I wonder what power you hold now that you know your name makes you special. You caused a demon to go after a child. They must really be your biggest fan. What blood else did you drink? Yeah, I’m pre-writing the Demon_Hoe. Goodness mio, my goodness makes me poke holes to try to make myself understand. You all must have found it so uncomfortable to talk to me about it. Because you were ignorant about how to handle it. You had no clue about how to confront a behavior because obviously you never encountered a valedictorian who is simultaneously…I cannot find the word. I was a novelty, an alien creature, someone you could never pin as “bastos.” And now, why would I suddenly talk about it if I got reminded of the discomfort? You probably thought that I would not tell the truth about why I did that if I was confronted directly. I suppose that’s hard. I suppose you contacted my parents at the very least to sensitively handle this for about a day, just to get clarity on why. If I find out that you did not do this, you know what to expect from me. I will deal with the knowledge that my parents chose to trust in your methods to get me to speak up about it, because they clearly cannot admit that it was their maids who caused this. This entire fucking hell. Who noticed their behaviors because they were not family, and they seemed so happy and loud and alive with betlog and oten and bisong and uncontrolled glee at their own filth. You know what? I must admit that I’m actually not talking about a woman molester only. There is a very clear memory of me playing “hide-and-seek” with my sister and a yaya, and I hid behind the curtain that covered the door in the back room. I felt a warm leg. I don’t remember much else. I was kind of hoping that it was a real entity at some point that managed to become flesh. Who knows? I can’t tell who it was, since my cousins and my family lived in one house and they also had drivers and yayos. I mean, would I really risk becoming full DID at this point? I’m not a child, not anymore, I’m just an overgrown woman who cannot be normal about anything that has happened in her life. Was my sister off-limits? Was I the child who attracted these pests? Because I was dark and looked like one of them? Did you really think I would not turn out like who I am, and I could have been so much worse if God didn’t do something to finally notice what He allowed. <aside> 🐚 How did I get here? They get to be free carousing in my house and being children in adult bodies. They live with no consequence because they hide it when your parents are around them. Feel free to gloat that you have corrupted me. I, the one, who died for your sins. This is yours, and it is all for you. </aside> <aside> 😲 SWERVY BIRTHDAY </aside> ### **PROGRESS / MOMENTUM** 1. 12:14PM: Ate 2 bananas instead of junk. ## **PERSONAL BEST/PERSONAL RECORD:** 1. Unpredictable and unreliable shot of motivation to articulate childhood trauma. It’s junk food and not going to be repeated again because it was very specific to that mind state. I really am that kind of theater actor of the future who is forced to improvise with whatever they encounter onstage that is new or unexpected and doing so excellently. But only for this specific instance. I think you cannot train for this. Performance reality. You just cannot fake emotion that is intense enough to take over your neurons and marshal them into action. You have to be a demagogue to your own brain cells and convince them to fight for you every single time without force. If it’s not play, it’s going to be rage. Magneto path here I come. Controlled rage that works steadily. God I miss that movie. X-Men: First Class.