The kind of field I got myself entangled with…really doesn’t have regularity to it, does it? Like I can’t always expect to predict whether I’m going in a good direction or staying on some recognizable trajectory. I remember writing Fancypants like it was nothing. Then I recall writing Mandala-git’s Daughter, which is a glow down but more creative, I guess. And ALL_GO was a behemoth of crystallized intuition and alignment of luck. On most days these days I don’t write. I can’t expect progress, and what I do end up with might just be less creative than what I could reasonably produce in 2018. I was a different monster then, with different dependencies and frame of mind. I can’t quite remember if it was more pleasant. It wasn’t. It was very dark and bitter. I’m subjectively better off now that I have hindsight and all these unconscious wisdom I’m living out, that she wasn’t beset with and didn’t limit her yet. I wish I still had her limitless ability to be creative though. She just didn’t follow any recognizable rules. Just really intuitive and seamless and direct with language. Where did her ideas source? I guess I also had underdeveloped Legacy Boys ideas but it was a start, and I was getting there. Progress: remembered a famous influencer’s last name when I wasn’t too familiar with him (or maybe I was?) from Vico replying to his post. Take note of the days armodafinil stops working. Like today. It’s the opportunities I don’t think about that actually manifest. Like Garden Party Collective. Like Clarkesworld. Like Strange Horizons. Raring for an excuse to use “NATAMEME” in my next celebratory post. Maybe the reason why we don’t have metahuman abilities is because our dreams never affect us deeply. Like they’re not identity-shaping things. We factor none of it into how we function in real life. We’re not scared of our own nighttime visions. But what if it’s actually important? See: philosophy UP webinar about dreams. Why is my brain using this particular staging whether in dreams or storywriting? The question that any writer must grapple with. We are all working with the same themes in general, but what really matters is the selection of particular elements and plot and character to showcase the idea. Why this particular staging or framing? becomes the most important question I have to answer first. And not just because I find some elements already attractive. I just really have to justify something objectively. Like why would it be so interesting if I told this story with this particular character or POV paired with this plot progression? What makes them so interesting not just to myself? I really have to argue why that is. I don’t know about Unreal Image, but I just think she’s an excellent way to show visceral envy and hatred that develops out of it. It’s just 1. so relatable to teens 2. so obviously logical = everybody who is ugly or average and who is pitted against someone superior to them would know about it or care about it 3. the idea of being rare pitted against the idea that you are just one of many. If Vico is deliberately wearing Pasig shoes, that means he has a very good idea of his appeal. Like, if he wears it, he hopes people will copy him, or at least associate the giveaway shoes with value. He chose to wear those shoes, not because they’re expensive or valuable inherently, but because his choice makes it so. I had an impromptu time travel session with my 2022 entries. I’m glad to say I’m like 90% back, although I still have some work to do with complexity and phrasing. I just recognized some quality of mine from the past that’s so direct. It’s beyond words or vocabulary. 90%. I can still do this. Chloe Gong is heavily interested in Shakespeare. Duh. English-speaking society is very heavily influenced by Shakespearean ek-ek. I cannot fathom trying to make another Shakespeare novel. I just am very uninterested in Shakespeare. No apparent interest in old people literature unless I can see common preoccupations. Fuck. It took me like 7 seconds to recall that word—preoccupations. I just have to be patient and not get annoyed every time I’m slowing down to think of phrasing. It just snaps me out of fluid flow. Imagine all the fatigue of thinking of my thinking first, when I used to do it automatically.