# DEC 28-29: SUNDAY-MONDAY 9:35PM. So I just got my bearings together from whirldwind of entries yesterday. I noticed Jeffrey had watched The Running Man and there was this review from Sydney [rocket emoji]!!! Hmmmmmm. “Everything bad you heard about this movie is right.” It’s campy? OMG so he is stalking me. Maybe I am more right than I think. How could he have known about Unreal Image if my adviser didn’t mass-send it to a group chat or email somewhere. I am probably on a Google Drive. BRUH. And you know what else? The Running Man is literally about a game show??? I posted about game show hackerella on Bluesky. Jeffrey is definitely lowkey stalking me. Or it’s all just a coincidence and I’m going insane over nothing. I’m just an addict being excited by the illusion that somebody thinks about me enough to watch a movie about my interests. If I could only function well without this bottomless greed for attention I would be so much better and productive. Also, Vico reposted a story from Linya Linya with Kyungsoo and some 4 Pics 1 Word-like game LOL. +crying and dead emoji 3x each. cry cry cry die die die? skulls mean laughter too. BOYS!!! MY PROBLEM OUGHT NOT TO BE BOYS????? OR MEN… MEN!!!!!! Nawiwindang because I’m currently trying to fathom how I evolved from autistic to schizotypal. I can’t recall having odd beliefs in childhood. Although I did have mild OCD. I don’t understand when the “break” happened. I guess it started in puberty when I had these maladaptive daydreaming about boys. High school me was veritably autistic and single-minded. Vico followed a 3D animation account called Dragao Naloong so similar to Big Hero 6? Cutie dinosaur like Baymax. Made me think of Qahluqulu. I didn’t think of it before, but what if my novel gets made into a 3D animation like Big Hero 6? I always saw it as a realistic campy movie. I’m fine either way, and I’d be so elated whatever happens. ## GAH I LOVE CALCULATED COCKINESS re: Fireball song eme Also Vico censored “paputok” with an umlaut for no reason 🤣 I don’t know why but how he censored the names in that firecrackers post had me thinking of Marshall Mathers or Eminem. My name? A&Y? Abby kind of rhymes with Happy. Abby New Year eme. 2:04 AM running too long without anything productive. It’s 29 today. A misspelling of “ating” = atig lungsod = a gentle invitation to Pasig????? HEH. Boy this is the start of a horror movie. I can just imagine him reacting, “WHO U?” I wonder if I’m making a lot of these synchronicities to a demon in the underworld and they’re just lowkey addicted to my unconscious gaffes making meaning out of random mistakes. The best friend character of Nailong is an inventor…? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. The fact that Jeffrey watched The Running Man is still not sinking in. But it is a fact that’s so surreal. The review had Sydney’s name and a rocket. And “so kissed it twice.” With Edgar Wright the director, I can see a passing resemblance to Neil Clarke. “Charming but ruthless producer.” So what I’m getting from female dating strategy gurus is that women should just be super selfish so men try harder to win them. Stop being attentive to men, stop being a pickme, stop being too available, so that they see you as a worthy challenge. Because dopamine is the motivator chemical and men are naturally wired to go after hard things, and this is why they redirect that energy to video games if they have no better hobby or life calling. They will not subconsciously value you if you are too available and needy. The moment you give them validation they stop wanting you because they feel like they already won you. Sad state of affairs. Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone. But the advice holds true: become self-sufficient first before you even think of weaving your life with another person’s. Going insane because Vico’s 2 firecracker-related consecutive posts had “atig” before lungsod (gentle invitation) and “come here” in parenthesis in that Pitbull song and the album cover is a bald man’s head. And one is a misspelling, but the other had an umlaut, which signals effort? So it must be intentional? I mean, that feels like a lifetime away. I have yet to graduate. I talk a big game about spirits but I still can’t quite function like they are real. Do I really need evidence that they exist? Whenever I have spooky experiences I always chalk it up to my own brain generating these quirks anyway, and it’s impossible to separate my senses from reality when I don’t know where the line is. If I can only figure out exactly through induction or deduction what happened to me in 2019—as in, the complete story—maybe I’d develop the right kind of mind framework to figure out this spiritual problem. I really trust my senses and memories from 2019. It was just a really surreal set of experiences that they imposed on my reality, and I cannot shake the feeling that I was surveilled and played with for a reason, maybe for a study or a grant or a secret faculty project. I don’t quite understand what about ALL_GO was so polarizing and magnetic that they decided to do that to me. If they wanted the straight truth they could have just confronted me directly about Mike and formally punished me or sanctioned me or him for what they assume (which is really nothing), but they didn’t do that. So I must assume something else. Paolo really did write those poems from E is for Epal. And he is an Iglesia Ni Cristo heir or something, so I can really see him being a lynchpin for where the resources are coming from. And even Audrey posted Paolo’s poem about “Bumebenjonson” under that “The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock” poem about prostitution she posted on FB. Mike and Paolo linked veritably. Veritably! There must have been a chain of command or information channel. How could they have followed me everywhere? Coincidence is unlikely, because I saw him way too many times during that semester, only 3 months. And now Audrey is trying to make me fight “Fernand” from Count of Monte Cristo? Who is Fernand? Paolo? I suppose, because when I followed him on Bluesky he literally blocked me. I just noticed how even in the realm of beauty, beautiful men have it easier. Vico’s basketball story with the “lakas chamba” has a lot of disadvantaged men thirsting for his attention too, like asking for his autograph, and they seem eager rather than envious. I do not see women being excessive fans of female KPop idols, or maybe I do. Maybe I’m just projecting my own bias, because I was conditioned to think of other beautiful people as rivals if they are women because of my bullying history. This just makes me sad because I didn’t have to experience this bullying. So many people are just walking around freer than me, and they get to enjoy secure lives and be fans of same-sex beauty even if they are poor or ugly, because nobody bullied them and made them resentful. I’m just at the far end of the bell curve when it comes to envy, and it was so much more pronounced when I was younger. I’m also forgetting the formative experience of literally being overlooked by Vince Gamolo for Kate right in front of my very eyes even as he said he had a crush on me in first year, when she arrived like a shiny new toy from Qatar. I suppose beauty is not that much of a basic need to some people because they never had this scar. And I suppose it’s also because I was significantly uglier and darker compared to my fair-skinned Chinita-mestiza sister. And I was told I was less attractive than Julia Barretto at 8 years old because my sister asked an “innocent” question to my mom and she had answered honestly for some reason. I can’t recall it being that important before that, but it was like I grew a new sense of value instantly. It was just a fact, as simple as that, but it mutated because I had overblown the stakes too much. If I was not as pretty, then I was worthless. It would be a lot worse if I did not get awards in school, having nothing to shore up my self-esteem. 5:43AM. Nothing done. Why would Vico post a horny song (baby 9x and has subliminal “come here”) with that fuming emoji????? Gigil face again. UGH STOP (don’t). <aside> 💡 > My behavior is not intolerable enough to myself. STOP TOLERATING YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR STANDARDS. NOTHING WILL CHANGE </aside> TIL Vico Sotto’s dad’s real name is Marvic?????? So not only him who has “Mary” in his name, but also his father. My mom has 1.5 Marys, and I have one. 10:33AM: BULLSHIT ABUNDANCE OF CHEAP DOPAMINE EVERYWHERE. CANNOT STOP DISTRACTING MYSELF. Falgui followed an Iranian Jewish woman who is known for inflammatory hate speech. I feel nothing except possibly the sensation that they are indeed watching me in some capacity. Yeah, I remember him avoiding my gaze and looking at the window instead when I perked up at the mention of Islam and gnosticism. Functionally speaking, Vico is really addiction-forming simply because he is a really public figure who posts stories a lot. You will inevitably have “hits” most of the time. Or is language supposed to have this many gateways? Why do I constantly feel like something about his posts, every other one, is special to me? This is insanity. Not all of my posts are about Jeffrey if I can imagine we were together. The only way this would happen is if there really is a group working behind this with a consensus of what the best thing to do is. I am this close to giving up this drug. It’s like I’m reading tea leaves. If I realistically want anything to happen for real, I must do the hard work to make it happen, not blather on here about how intoxicated his posts are making me. I would be so happy to even become friends with him. That’s more realistic than “girlfriend” or even “wife.” Don’t you get it????? NOW YOU REALIZE. It is extremely important to finish your acad work so you can attend to your curiosities about dreams. Mainly, how to be a genius inventor of a field no one has ever thought about yet. Because discovering exactly why my brain chooses to present information and random noise in this way is key to developing not only this field but also to finetune the way I model reality so I can get more intelligence on how it really works. Every brain is a field of knowledge waiting to be tapped. If I truly understood how my own individual brain is coming up with these images and people for seemingly no reason or causality, maybe I can figure out laterally how some new fields in math could work, those that don’t involve clear causality. I just don’t buy a lot of the Jung and Freud, it’s too cookie-cutter and I really don’t think you can generalize every single node into a pattern or archetype. It has to be a really differentiated but single system that could theoretically be complete in itself if someone put in the effort. Man don’t even get me started on this new delulu = Vico basically [redacting] “put” in paputok from my “put it in me already” begging. Forever in my spank bank and I don’t even think it was intentional on his part. You know what? Vico slapping my ass really hard and then squeezing it in a painful way would probably heal me, as in completely delete my memory of the shock of someone so ugly being entitled to my body. Pitbull song again. STOP!!!!!!!!!! <aside> 🌞 “My little bumblebee, I’m so, so proud of you.” AHAHAHAHAHA PLS </aside> 3 Philippines visits to my About page 11AM. WHO AM I? ME TOO, MAN. 1 US visit 3PM homepage. I am OUT OF CONTROL. FUCK. Last entry until 9PM. BYE. If I cannot be unique, I will be the most useful brain. Yeah, maybe I do have some brain damage. But I guess my memories are there, but they just don’t appear when I do need them. I realize if Vico is trying to help me at all, like a BIG BRO (TM), by coincidence or not, but thanks anyway, by following that Nailong account he surfaced Disney and animated movies as one source of inspiration. I want to hope that I’m not too far gone and that I shouldn’t forget basic facts about myself. That’s just apparently too much for my brain sometimes. I literally posted about Meet the Robinsons a few days ago and I still forgot. I really need Dihexa. Lean into your previous instinct for twists and surprise. That is your fascination and somewhat of a strength.