# DEC 27-28: SATURDAY-SUNDAY Did nothing of note on December 26 even though I exercised and meditated. Oh well. I will try again today. I like the idea that Jeffrey masturbated to my picture. Probably. I want to look at him do it as he takes in my body. But I can’t be horny today nor a narcissist. I’m just driving momentum by vibing to music. I need to finish my Unreal Image critical essay. And also, Keeping Up With You screenplay. Done with first chapter. Another dream I remembered. This Japanese guy showed interest in me and I showed interest back. Then he revealed he was balding. I still kissed him on the chin. It was very sweet. Glurge. Sore eyes from staring at screen too long at 4:12AM. Even easy work is hard. Formatting screenplay. Croatia visit 1AM. Nikola Tesla????? WAAAAW. Something about sex is just acceptable narcissism. I’m just wondering how much of the pleasure is just rejoicing and glorying at the fact that somebody finds your body irresistible and is using it for pleasure. Why it feels so logical and natural. Can anything be more natural than that acceptable selfish indulgence? I’m so pathetic that I find myself kissing my hand for no reason. Just wondering how it feels. It feels like nothing, but can you imagine if it was a real person? Electric, probably. I wouldn’t be able to stop. I find that I look really good with heavy eyeliner with the filter. I look almost Arabic. OMG the year is ending! I’m going to be 29 next year wew. I still feel like a child. WAKE UP SHEEPLE (ME)!!!!! YOU HAVE NO TIME!!!!!! Re-read Yellowface to see how RF Kuang does the whole surreal bit about hallucinating a dead Athena coming alive. There is a biochemical explanation for everything, I realize. I just got my period today. Explains why I was so horny the past few days. Can’t decide what’s more irresistible: Vico’s full lips or that thing he does when he purses them. STOP!!!! I’ve been working on this screenplay for about 4 hours now. Wanna quit. 8:20AM. DAMN. 3000+ words. I’m off to vibe again. OH GOD WHY I JUST REALIZED. Somebody visited my “Socials” page and the novelty attention poem page to talk to me about my problem of the Marshmallow Test I mentioned on Bluesky??? EH? I really am being watched aren’t I? I am simultaneously flattered and disturbed. How could they know though, that the poem was on that page if nobody had visited that page before? Hmm, something is not quite right. The timing was staggered too. Early morning then late evening. Coincidence is not likely????? Early = early age. Late evening = my adult age. WTF kind of person is talking to me in code??? Why though? Why talk to me in symbols when you can just directly talk to me???? I promise I won’t mind????? I say out-of-context things all the time. I think I really am being studied by some grad students in a think tank. How a language can form or gets developed without direct communication. I had this suspicion in the past, with Paolo Manalo connected to some cognitive poetics field. Why go through all this trouble? What’s the incentive? I mean, aside from entertaining yourselves? I can’t quite believe actual money is on the table. I just don’t understand bureaucracy or technical stuff since no one has directly talked to me about it. Just vibes from the very start. They allowed me to develop this warped perception and paranoia all on my own, abandoned me deep in the pandemic, and now picked me up again??? What am I, a toy? I could be blathering one moment and I wouldn’t know it, but I’m actually a _subject_ of some sort in many psych studies. Minor existential crisis. Basically, if I have no clue about my own creative poetics—how I get ideas—how am I supposed to make a living out of this? I need to systematize my process. I have literally no clue how it happens, except when it does I veritably get the sensation that I’m pulled into another dimension of flow, where nothing could stop me, and I can actually touch the chess pieces I’m using intuitively. But maybe making it into a system is the wrongheaded thing. I need general guidelines about how to tap into it. I really need to have some sort of structure. I need that structuring life for creativity book. Will download after breakfast. Just in time for New Year. I need to step up my game for a fruitful 2026 where I don’t fall off the wagon after three weeks like every other year. I miss talking with Jeffrey. I just miss being seen and understood. The Vico delusion is sort of helping. I guess him posting the EMO REMIX is just doing a number on my psyche. They are actively playing with me, but I’m pleasantly deluding myself. I accidentally christened Pasig as “Bethlehem” now, because I called him “Brotilde” in one of my projects even though I thought I came up with the name as a joke or a play on Clotilde who is a real person. Probably there would be a Jesus there LOL. Brotilde means “breadmaker” apparently and Bethlehem means bread. Jeffrey’s Letterboxd watches are giving me ideas. Specifically, what if they make my Unreal Image into an anime!!! WOW. Even better, I think. Maybe Bong Joon Ho in his first anime directorial debut. I’m done to about page 50 of KUWY. Time to do Unreal Image critical work. UGGGGGHHHHH. My academic muscles are fried and mushy. 7:21PM NOTHING IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF ME AND MY ARMY OF ARMODAFINILS!!!! HUZZAAAAH!!! Took 1 tab 7PM ish. Waiting for it to fully kick in. That hit of serotonin whenever I spot a Vico story icon first thing on my IG homepage AMP!!! You wouldn’t believe the happiness I experience whenever I see his perfect little smiling face in that tiny pink-rimmed circle lighting up my screen. Bliss. Man I wish somebody felt this way about me. How being perfectly yourself makes someone impossibly happy and satisfied no matter what you do or post. Fell asleep the half of the afternoon. Am I really just a bastos person because whenever I see “putok” I immediately think of ejaculation??? Pinutokan. Doesn’t help that the person “Montecino” commenting “hm for 1k rounds” LOL re: boga firecrackers story by Vico. 2026: the era of time management. PLS!!! So I read about Vico running away from Dina as a child because he thinks “he reminds her of the sin whenever she sees him” SO FREAKING PRECIOUS!!! AWWWW it’s not your fault 🥺 He’s not a very vocal Christian I guess, although I wonder what his expression of Christianity is, whether he has ever deconstructed. I’m just so lowkey in love with him already!!! FUCK. He used “xmas” so he’s not that uptight nor stupid to think it’s a secularization of “Christmas.” Page after page of paeans for Vico. 2022 me wouldn’t believe it. I was just casually and vaguely fantasizing about him giving me a book and kissing my cheek but knew nearly nothing about him in 2022. I’ve come full circle in October-December, and it’s only growing in intensity. My amazement at how I come back to things from my past, lighting up my life right now. I just noticed I’m using words from 2022, “whole-ass,” “I believe I have reached a new low” LOL. But still, I was really coherent back then and knew what to write like those “capricious and faint and chaotic” and phrases blocked off by commas to create rhythm and a recognizable meter. I need to do that more. I find it so wacky that our president is nicknamed “Bongbong.” Like bongs. Bongbong. So weird. Rereading my January 2022 entries. I was…something. I still have the same problems from 2022, yet I was able to come up with May 2022 D-Day thesis research??? My entries from January 2022 are more complex and mature than what I’m capable now. I’m just honestly disappointed I’ve regressed or stayed stagnant. Pressure might work for you. You know you could do it. And you were 25. Way before antipsychotics happened. You just need the right emotional states to make it happen. Something about being “in love” and not “casual fantasy” with Vico is making me too comfortable. I must do something. Even though I can say I’m not in love with Vico it’s functioning like a drug of some sort, naturally. I wasn’t even this deep in 2022. It was really just a fake thing in 2022 I was trying to start, but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD it is very real now. How did this happen? And to think it all started, I guess, from that basketball “lakas tira, lakas chamba” story of his that also rhymes in English? LOL. Actually, it didn’t start from that. Jeffrey, if he is reading me at all, would be so upset to learn that he actually helped me become addicted to Vico, because he made me aware of Ichan Remigio, who posted about the “illegal” raket that Vico replied to, “kunyari kaka-36 years old…asking for a friend.” So, just great. I was even a functioning Christian in 2022. I had dreams of heaven and Jesus and true satisfaction. Instead, now I’m half-thinking I’m part of some prophecy that I honestly don’t know how to deal with but I’m not so convinced by either, but it’s just a fun food-for-thought thing that my mind flits towards whenever I feel like wanting to be part of something grand and greater than myself. Ego stuff. I changed the font of my entries because maybe it’ll help with becoming more formal again. Not like this pseudo manic pixie schizo teenager who is elated and horny all the time. That really isn’t all who I am. I wish I could be better. AND OMG Vico actually referred to “emo music” from my 2022 entries??? Or am I just kidding my deluded self. “The sadness and tension of emo music.” And his emo remix Deck the Halls. So that forgetbrennan video must have gone viral for him to have seen it, logically. Otherwise, I tried to make a test post in IG to test if it shows up in audio choices, and it doesn’t. So that must mean it made enough of an impression on him to use it. Emo music? He likes emo music too? Well, I know he likes Weezer judging by his IG follows. I also liked Weezer from Sabby in 2017. It’s just so synchronous too how I was fixated on “Blue Steel Mountain” pose from Zoolander in 2023 in my modeling phase, and I even mentioned “Blue Steel Mountain” to the Ampota photographer. And then come to find out pleasantly 2 years later that it’s one of Vico’s favorite movies too!!! Man if you told me I would have to get assaulted to experience this pleasure, I would think twice and be conflicted, because it was so worth it! Just to feel close to him because we like the same movies. And probably the same songs. UGH. Can’t help but gush like I’m in high school again. I’m just re-experiencing that heady cocktail so precious to the “honeymoon phase” of all relationships because at this point in December it’s just ballooning in intensity the more information and stories he posts. So illogical, because mystery and absence supposedly makes you more interested. Except he is almost always posting on social media and being magically busy and maybe edited that Discaya video? WOW. 10PM: r/justomelettedufromagethings. Overfitting my ideas of reference. Lighting up my brain. He said labooooo = laboratory in Japanese? Dexter’s lab. Also, Cheese album by Stromae which is also in French. Maui Wowie??? Also, police and handcuffs!!! SIR PLS. I have no idea why my AI render of the lab with the red walls has “5’’” on the glass box. I told it to make the box smaller like a slit like in the Open The Door album art. It literally plastered that on the glass for some reason. I’m not sure what my type in guys is anymore. Vico has become my physical type even though in the past I was attracted to skinny Ralph builds. I’m evolving!!! Vico looks good either way, back when he was skinny and now that he’s a little beefy. UGHHHHH. I was just re-reading my entries from March this year!!! WTF?????? I was _good_ good. There is hope for me yet. What happened to me in March that was so blasted that I ended up writing that good? I don’t remember being productive in March. I still had unpleasant surveillance sensation even though now it’s mostly gone. Mostly. It was only shame that made it painful. The moment someone in public in real life actually alludes to Ampota photographer again, it will all go to shit again just like in Big Bad Wolf. Cannot for the life of me fathom how that woman just said, I shit you not, in a no-context way, “The sky is falling!” as if that isn’t about Chicken Little and “Ace and Abby” being romantically attached in the ending. Because that’s his name—Ace. Disgusted and appalled. But also, wow there. Why was I so affected? Celebrities must deal with this bullshit all the time, people making “parinig” to their mistakes or gaffes in public hiding behind plausible deniability. Or am I really just _that_ disliked and unprotected by “fans” and clout borne out of fear of retaliation. They know I’ll just suffer through it because I’m schizo and the burden is on me to prove everything when they can just act with impunity. But then I’m sort of relieved. No one is harassing me in public. Not since I went to Manila last December 8. Not since I arrived at the airport, not when I went to malls, no one has minded me at all, and I’m honestly just fucking relieved I can breathe. Be careful though, it’s just maybe them training you to ignore your instincts from trauma only to violate your headspace again, because we all know baiting people into a false sense of security is on that list of Top 10 Evil Things To Do To Your Enemies. OMG cyborg girl thesis idea!!!! WTF IT’S POTENTIALLY GREAT. [Cyborg girl thesis story](https://www.notion.so/Cyborg-girl-thesis-story-1b17a3cd2fc980ccab92e7199037798a?pvs=21) And also, quantum grippy sock vacation. [Quantum Grippy Sock Vacation](https://www.notion.so/Quantum-Grippy-Sock-Vacation-1dc7a3cd2fc98015a1a7ff76930359b8?pvs=21) There was a “trawl” in Vico’s picture in that January throwback. Hmmmmm. Just re-remembered. I wonder….. Maybe I really am being read. There is literally no way Audrey could have said something about “unrequited nonsense” and “revenge novel” in the same breath without reading me. Unless she is talking about the “parasocial” in my lit review. WTF is she talking about anyway, she doesn’t appear to have a love life. She is trying to make me feel better just like she thinks I’m “trying to placate her anxiety” of me being veritably linked to Mike in some way. That’s it. Well, maybe we both don’t know anything. RAYMOND THE MAN YOU ARE (NOT) has never expressed romantic affiliation with me. He has only ever looked at me with lust. I think. I can’t quite tell. But who stares at boobs and mouths and thighs and lets it linger? He’s just escaping the “creep” label just because he’s attractive and women “like it” when he does that. Supreme inequality. Double standards. Attractive people get away with a lot eme. Vico never uses black background with white text WTF. Why is he copying me?? (Delulu much???) Cascade of realizations over labooooo???????? PLS let this be true. Otherwise, unfairly rigged coincidence again. I wonder what it will take to make Paolo acknowledge me. He did with the copying my Eligibility post in his “we’re kilig, to say the least” post from Gacha Press. Maybe that’s my link. How it could theoretically reach someone like Vico???? EH? He’s talking about a second collection. WTF. They are doing it again, indeed. Why???????????? I don’t know why but I didn’t realize Mike is saying anything about Vico??? He is following “RealClearPolitics” now on his REAL TWITTER ACCOUNT??????? Does this mean anything? WTF? Indirectly “saying” I’m chaotic neutral? I mean, he’s not wrong? Me indirectly finding out from my own denial that I’m almost thinking that I “love” Vico more than Jeffrey WTF. I mean, why seriously still retain some love for Jeffrey? I have no clue. Except he copied the way I write cleverly in his last message and he is good at sexting, even better than me. I can heavily relate to him too because he’s neurodivergent unlike Vico, who seems to be really balanced and somewhat basic. Is this karma for “appearing” like I’m trying to make Jeffrey envious of Vico? Probably. But I only posted on FB about “not being in metro manila” because I was wanting to communicate ever so _subtly_ to Jeffrey that I literally can’t fuck him now that he went back to “seening” me again. I also felt infatuation for Vico at that point, questioning how maybe Jeffrey just wants to fuck now that he thinks (or I think) that I am metro manila posting about how “I’m still in college” with the Harry Potter drawing. If “Vico” is reading me he is lying about the emo? To manipulate me into thinking he has edges too? I have no clue at this point. What could possibly deeply scar him? He is able to do the right thing and have integrity because exactly. Unless I’m wrong. Maybe he is better than I think he is and is actually just a master at suppressing his instinct (to be a rapist like his father? boy that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms). But he commented something about how he doesn’t know enough of Pepsi Paloma to have an opinion—or was it that it’s not because he doesn’t have an opinion but that he has one that is based on partial information because his father would rather not acknowledge that they literally apologized on live TV? Strange. If I could ask him a question it would be that probably. I suppose no woman he has pursued took him seriously enough because of that? And I recall he had a rumored newscaster girlfriend Sam? Why didn’t she end up with him? It seems finding answers on the internet is useless. They might possibly never have had sex yet, or at least this is what I assume, since Vico is apparently following her husband and even liked one of his posts which would be weird if sexual stuff happened between him and that guy’s wife. Maybe he’s not unaware as much as trying to subtly make the husband think it wasn’t that serious and hasn’t progressed to that point. And that I can relate to, because that’s exactly what I would do, making sure people do not get the wrong idea or assume anything. This kind of man is objectively better than Jeffrey, who prefers to be ambiguous and exist in a state of chaos with whoever he is trying to fuck/love? He is clearly not into me because he never bothered to try except when it was trying to make sure I felt turned on—he excels at that apparently. That’s the only thing I see being his hold on me. And the fact that he seems to be interested in my autism, giving me that Stimpunks article that I admit is basic too. And yeah, I just remembered, he literally just promised to look out for me if I ever had a panic attack in public. That is really it. That is the main thing that my mind is attached to, and he has failed to do this by not pursuing me and ghosting me. He broke his word. I mean, I do too. Then what’s the difference between us when pleasure overwhelms doing the right thing—like I don’t fucking know, getting on top of your academic work??????????? I am exactly like his negative qualities so I should start not being like him. You know what would really fuck with my head though? If Vico decides to be public about his real opinion of what Pepsi went through. PLS I AM SO CURIOUS!!!!! It will plunge me into hopeless misery!!!! But it will probably just make me respect him because he has this constellation of aura around him because of who I built him up to be!!!! Maybe it’s far from my actual hunch—which is anything goes at this point—how he rationalizes being publicly a loving son to someone I “hate” like Al from Promising Young Woman. Hmmmmm. He cannot lose someone like his father—the cost of that would erupt in chaos I guess. Why would I expect him to defend women when Pepsi isn’t related to him? I really feel like he is also choosing to be single because he knows this one thing that causes him such dissonance probably is a complication he can’t avoid forever. Maybe Audrey is “saying” I ought to unravel this—and not what I think Paolo did—because logically Vico ends up as my real enemy if that happens to be true. If he feels that torn up about his father’s sin with his mother, imagine finding out as you grow up even more from other sources? They probably talked to him about Dina, but why would never bring up Pepsi? It seems like a really great puzzle to puzzle over, but even I am blind. I really just want to be beautiful so I could attract someone like him because I know it’s just a requirement—see: Sam Sadhwani being impossibly pretty and sexy—even though he’s a man of integrity and goodness. He is still a man. And all men, I hesitate to say, will probably not choose me over any other option out there. I am working against schizo assumptions too, and I need to be the hottest I can possibly be to offset this type of baggage they can all just assume about. I was just fine being my own schizotypal self thinking Sabby was responding to me in 2017. Instead, I got slapped with a bipolar diagnosis which makes me supremely unreliable according to “she is chaotic neutral and I know I’m right too” real Mike’s X follow. Pepsi really went ahead and became Nina from Promising Young Woman, committing suicide. I just never really absorbed this. Maybe this is the reason why he could possibly be “interested” in my perspective, if ever that delusion is true. The previous tells me two things: Shawntel “wants” the same thing as me, and she is willing to overlook Pepsi to get it, trying to appeal to his mother by having a Bible verse as her IG bio too like Coney. I am not so sure I want to be with someone who can’t answer but maybe he is doing all this good too to partially help make up for it. He knows it’s unwise to go against family and cut ties, but maybe something about Pepsi makes him sit up at night just wondering. What would be the point of alienating his family? If my dad made an egregious mistake such as date rape—not even date rape, they took advantage of her being a starlet they just wanted to bed—that everybody knows about especially the media, they are going to go for low-hanging fruit like that to undercut his progress in every field he is responsible for. It happened once, him being asked that question. But I guess he’s fortunate people just tuck away that one problem because he is unnaturally driven to be a good person and uses all his power for goodness. Nobody is coming for Vic Sotto for doing that to her. I feel like I don’t have the right or motivation to do that though, so he has no one to convince or beg not to. Because I literally tried to write a story about—back then, a stand-in of Stanley, “Tony,” being guilty he could not stop it. You know what else is extra weird, Pepsi Paloma looks like ANGELA GABRIELLE FUCKING SANTOS?????? You know, his equivalent “Holy Spirit” akin to my Angelo Gabriel Llamas. It is not my problem. I just wanted to write that story in my youth for no reason but clout. “We haven’t talked about it, so it’s best to remain silent.” How can you not be torn by finding out from other people about it???? That would make me evil in a different way. It would be like finding out my mother is a hoe—or is it, not quite, but for the sake of not having enough brain cells yet to think of an analogue—and got paid handsomely to be a spy of some sort to achieve some end through sex, and that the man they “exposed” committed suicide. I would never think of my mom as someone I could publicly thank or greet. This has just made me realize things I don’t want to think about yet. I don’t want to ruin my idea of him. And also, if you are reading me, I wouldn’t go after you even if you upset me eventually LOL. Like him getting a beautiful woman who has big boobs. I liked him a lot after he chose a small-chested girl like Sam. Who knows what will change if a girl who is buxom manages to get his attention. I always was spooked out by Angela looking like Pepsi. Maybe it means something, but I don’t want to think about it. I’m supposed to be working on my novel to become even half the woman that Angela is—just effortlessly sexy whilst still having no curves. The right kind of skinny-curvy. It’s like I’m just repressing this knowledge when his “Holy Spirit” is talking to me???? No They aren’t? Not really. I need to get rid of my roster and transcend sexuality altogether. I don’t need Jeffrey, I don’t need Vico, I most of all do not need Mike (who is probably the best at sexting because he’s published in Playboy with his fiction about that girl with big barely-legal bobbies with no toes selling firecrackers AMP). AY WTF THE EXPLOSION EMOJI????????? HMMMMMMMMMM. I don’t know why I chose it for Unreal Image. I just liked the star-like appearance. Like an irregular star. “You are boring once you got rich?” AMP Audrey telling me I’m gonna be boring? Violating Rule #10 in chaotic neutral sins. I’m not so chaotic neutral because I don’t think it’s amusing to expose Vico because I’m bored. Logically even if I hated his guts why would I want to stop him doing whatever he is doing now? I’m just assuming I’m who she’s referring to because she literally said, “I preferred you when you were confused and crying in a dungeon.” Dungeon as in the “game” of having Mike be the Dungeon Master of his own game and me trying to play with him. I was so confused and bawling on April 12. Obviously. I want to write about how a chaotic evil becomes a chaotic good. Seems like I have not seen it. Zuko was never chaotic evil. He believed in structures and order and hierarchy. Or at least this is how I remember him, and he even defended those he could relate to, like me. I realize how I am not not chaotic neutral, because I value some things like rules. It’s just that I currently sometimes act like a chaotic neutral here and on social media. I cannot follow my own standards, basically. A lot of billionaires are chaotic evil. Maybe that but how? I have no problem people think I’m boring. I only need that to make sure my personality online is profitable, so maybe I do care. I don’t quite care if I’m boring in real life. Explains my lack of social skills. I have no natural funny bone or impulse to entertain a real life person unless I also happen to be in that mood for no reason. What I’m doing right now is probably to get as much eyeballs on my “content” so I get loyal readers. Nobody is liking me on Bluesky where I have been the most public about being somewhat schizo. I guess I have work to do. I want schizophrenic spectrum people to get the right kind of help and empowerment. NO BULLSHIT SNUFFING OUT OF BRAINS BECAUSE THEY GAVE UP AT THE COMPLEXITY. FUCK. So many are homeless because antipsychotics ruined them financially as well as functionally. I’m just really lucky I have some neuroplasticity so I can “copy” what I did in the past. Even then I feel no relief from being able to do it once I decrypt how to do it. I just wish to exist in wonder at my own talent, I guess. Magic. I am probably not autistic anymore. BYE PIANO YEARS IT WAS FUN KNOWING YOU YOU BLEW UP SPECTACULARLY IN COLLEGE IF YOU ARE RECEIVING MESSAGES FROM FUTURE MAKE SURE TO WRITE ALL THE TIME INSTEAD!!!!! I would have already arrived probably.