# DEC 24: WEDNESDAY OMG. It’s Ralph’s birthday today. Also, my delulu isn’t so strong today even though Vico shared a picture of him holding a water gun and him pinching his two fingers together LOL. I feel more grounded for no reason and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the new batch of Omega-3. I’m half in half out most of the time anyway. But then I remember his “Kuya Vico” ID and a child basically touching his ID and him looking a lil uncomfortable and then I’m just back to 80% suspicious. And then I remember that real Mike posted after a long while about Plough Magazine and poetry about grief. I sound like a 16-year-old in my diaries. I just noticed. It’s Justine Concha’s consciousness rubbing off of me. I dreamt of Karl Taleon and me in a car having tension with our legs touching and not touching. Weird, because I was not attracted to him. I keep dreaming of cars for no reason. I really need to buy Bupropion. Will do so in a bit. It’s an NDRI which I think I need. I realize I can also INC my CW 200. Oh well. I literally don’t feel OK with submitting hurried and shoddy work. Behavior check: -Do not sleep until 11PM or so today -Did 30 minutes silence/meditation for the first time in a long while -Exercised 6 minutes, immediately felt the fatigue -Drink Omega-3 every meal -Improve amount of tasks done from mild pressure of not doing much this month -You keep forgetting to drink magnesium and iron and vit c and glycine -Meditate more and stick to it -Cannot wait to get gel capsules to pack preworkout and get rid of bleh taste -Cannot wait to get L-theanine: seems to be the “it” factor that made me more productive -I ran out of Uridine, hmm -Took DLPA 3g. I wonder what the effects will be. -Avoid scrolling on TikTok. -Avoid reactive shits and giggles posting on Bluesky -Look at Forefront Goals page more -You barely drank Magnesium this month. 5:25AM: Mistakenly typed 2036 instead of 2026, immediately felt a twinge of dread. I wonder what I’ll be like at 38 years old. Hopefully better. Your yearning for a relationship is actually just a symptom of you yearning to outgrow adolescence. You feel unfulfilled because you feel like you should already be an adult with adult responsibilities. The sooner you accept that you are not required to be in one, you will be infinitely happier and set free to do things more aligned with your strengths. Face the fact that at this point in life, you do not even go out of your house and meet people. You have to graduate first, and to do that, you have to put in the hours. Time is speeding for some reason. It’s almost 6AM and all I’ve done is meditate, bought some stuff, watch some minutes of Wake Up Dead Man, and exercise. 6:15AM: Received 8.5k for my story!!!! Something about interacting with Neil Clarke himself even in emails is making me shy. How can I not be? Forever anxious for some reason. If I am like this with emails, it’ll be so much worse if I can’t summon the self-respect to be able to function normally when faced with a much more superior or respected person. AAAAAH kinikilig acoe because of Vico’s water gun pic. I wonder what it must be like to have that power. I am still coughing intermittently even with the cough suppressant. Sucks. Somebody visited my Goodreads yesterday. I can’t tell where, because 7 people visited. Philippines, India, Japan. I need to build momentum again. I feel like I’m constantly reinventing the wheel and starting from scratch every time, my long-term memory relegated to the farthest reaches of my brain, unreachable except when I’m sleep-deprived or high on armodafinil. Vida posted 2 “threat” memes that were from weeks and months ago. Weird. One with a gun pointed at the audience and “you will become a god.” AbbyVerse things: 1. Jeffrey watched Code 8 with the following reviews “fine shyt cousins” hmmmmm 2. I don’t like Taylor Swift but I really like her Fortnight collab with Post Malone 3. See where my delusion accumulates? There was a Vince Dizon looking guy next to Vico in that grainy pic, and the guy to his right would be what someone thinks is my type, a lookalike of a Gelo version. And also, Sardinas Lang Naman and the spectrum of color hashtag = my IG repost about a book cover with sardines in it. These synchronicities aren’t supposed to mean anything, but my desire clouds everything. This probably happens a lot more often but I’m just biased. And also, DJ Suede The Remix God has a song called Cash Me Outside?