# DEC 21-23: SUNDAY-TUESDAY December is the laziest I’ve ever been. Some weird AbbyVerse things: 1. I stalked Shawntel TikTok and she doesn’t have a lot of reposts, except she reposted a post with the “In Too Deep” song by Sum 41. HEH. But that was before I went back to UP and posted my post. Either way, spooky coincidence. 2. Jeffrey posted a mulatto guy called “New Money Nate” while I had an IG repost about Gatsby. 3. Vico said “~Back-to-bangketa~” and thanked @VISOR for pointing out his mistakes!!! 4. “Back-to-bangketa” — my profile song change from MIA? 5. OMG IS HE FLIRTING WITH ME????? “hehe salamat po” and the tilde again. 6. Is Jeffrey reading Jade Mark Capinanes? His post about financial independence had the word “old money” in it. ## 6:28PM I WILL WORK NOW. I WILL WORK NOW. I WILL WORK NOW. TOMORROW IS THE DEADLINE. IT IS FINE TO SUBMIT PARTIAL WORK. REALIZATIONS: 1. To cultivate specificity, which is your perennial problem of having to assume and fill out the general outlines of your “stock knowledge” that is mostly vague generalizations, you actually need help. Research details. You are empty because you have not lived at all. Things don’t hold salience partly because you were not raised with that frame of mind to prioritize cultural immersion. Your family has no traditions. You do not even cook together. What do you expect? To imbue your characters with lived-in detail you really need to dig deeper into other people’s biographies or nonfiction. You cannot rely on fiction only. 1. See: Andy Lopez poetry and stories. Such specificity and texture. Netherlands and Germany visit to my website. You know what? I don’t even know. Cheese and punctuality? On second thought, Germany = land of the people; Netherlands = under. So, Nicole Sotto? Shawntel Sotto? Confirmed. I personally don’t identify with Nicole even though it’s technically my name too. You will never really know a person. People who are reading me think they have access to the entirety of my mind. Newsflash: I just re-read a lot of my entries. I don’t think like this. It’s all arranged in idioms and English and coherence. I have maybe a particular personality with the way I write diaries, but just reading them, well, they don’t quite capture what it’s like being alive in my head, my qualia. I don’t think in complete sentences. Come to think of it, I don’t even think in sentences. I think in emotions. I don’t verbalize my thoughts. Sometimes I think in music. Why is real Mike on FB trying to respond to my poem? Or is he? I don’t know if they even talk about me, except in my opinion they are, both Audrey and him. I am the only reason they talk, probably. Ma’am Marby sent my lit review to them both, and I know this because Audrey posted on December 9 with the same trace of logic that is found in my paper, ending with a threat. She also said “catharsis” and “revenge novel” so I am quite sure of this. See? My feelings and conclusions are not unfounded and schizophrenic. My goal is to become “incandescent” like Eurus from Sherlock without the breakdown and as rich as Enya living in a castle all by herself. Here I am being Anne Frank in Amsterdam and have two horny cancer teens making out in my hallows. I think Vico’s half-sister Tali looks like Olivia Rodrigo. Interesting. Maybe she’ll glow up to become similar. Boy don’t even get me started on how similar my situation is to hers. I can sense the similarity because my sister Ally looks like Tali’s younger sister, especially when she was a baby. She was the whiter, curlier-haired baby with the “sweet” face. I looked like a Mexican little boy. I think. Although I had a cute phase, I became really weird-looking especially from grade 2 onwards. Maybe Ma’am Marby isn’t responding to me because she thinks I know what to do already. Maybe she believes in me!!!! Don’t fail her!!!!!! 10:27PM: Done setting up barebones website page for final portfolio. Now’s the time to get neck deep into 2022 me _i cri_ Things deleted off iPad to save memory 1. Sue Monk Kidd - The Book of Longings 2. Big Book of NLP 3. Hamlet on the Holodeck 4. Karen Swallow Prior On Reading Well 5. The Road to Reality: A Complete Guide to the Laws of the Universe So Vico is basically Kyle De Luna from Unreal Image now???? _dies suddenly_ Vague feeling of Prof. Mike “pretending” again because the way I see it, he’s like that prof character in Little Women who told Jo her work wasn’t that good. Mariahsdiary????????? _dies again_ Vico’s position on AI: more accurate than humans with bias? So basically, for accuracy or technical stuff it’s fine. But for art it’s not. I just don’t think art should be done by AI. None of my prose in Unreal Image is AI, except I used it to search for more combos of technical sounding words aside from “Logos” which I already knew. That’s it. I’m trying to think of who is going to have it worse, average to above average STEM students, or average to above average art/humanities students. Maybe both. You have to be a superstar or exceptional to even make an income??????? Boy using AI is so tempting. I just have to be content with not sleeping at all this last 8 days of the year. Slum child = batang palengke? So they are reading me. Or at least I’m being filtered? Maybe he doesn’t know who I am. This was always my suspicion, but I guess everything is possible now? OMG DON’T READ MY EROTICA PLS _dies again_ OMG I googled Angelo Gabriel Llamas and I found out he passed the bar exam in 2024. Good for him, I guess. I was always suspicious of him being “in on it” in 2019. Like he was assisting Mike or something. I don’t know but I remember he perked up and made an action to enter the classroom when I arrived for Eng 143. 3:17AM and my break has been running too long. Time to dive back in. I believe I have reached a new low. Vico’s grainy pic makes his eyes look extra-smoldery and I just want to [REDACTED]. Doesn’t help he’s wearing a mask. --- “Any last words?” “I ducking love your design please use my head as a fucktoy!” --- …I’m going to HIIT. Just 5 minutes. It’s 5:59AM. Eye of the Tiger. Hurtling so close to the sun now. I have hours left. 6:21PM. Maybe I am a sex addict. I need help. I would not be like this if I actually had sex. Turkey visit 3 times = gobble gobble gobble confirmed. Somebody trying to kill me? America 1 visit to About page = curious? I wonder what I did. 7:09PM. I’m just re-reading my work from 2022 and grieving my past abilities. No matter, I will have Dihexa and Bupropion. I feel like Cooper in Interstellar trying to synchronize with a chaotic spinning station. Narcissist vortex of serotonin is ruining me. It is clouding you, surrounding your brain in sugar, giving you sexy dementia. You will never be successful at this rate. Throttle yourself. Do not indulge. The idea, the idea, the idea. Put it aside, it is contained, to be opened later in hits and rewards you will give yourself after you work. Balance. Work hard, play less hard, because you are carried away easily. The way I see it, not disclosing that I’m neurodivergent in my bios on social media is beneficial. I will let my work speak for itself first. Before people judge me anyway with their assumptions. Arula Ratnakar, a fellow Clarkesworld writer, is a neuroscientist and parties hard, and is also autistic IIRC, but she doesn’t advertise it, not even on her Bluesky. I’m just miming her because I want to be received by the world as a “normal person” who doesn’t make everything about my neurodivergence. I don’t know why I was so public about it. Maybe I just had this assumption that being proud of my identity is a good thing in the age of personality politics. Learning from the Master herself—Shawntel lowkey peacocking on TikTok what her face would look like to Vico if he fucks her on the bed!!!! Sneaky and brilliant, I might say. She doesn’t post bikini pictures, so she relies on other strategies. What do you expect from a valedictorian? Stars aligned at 9:45PM. Goosebumps erupting on my body because my pictures and figure labels from Tita Talks PH synchronized without my intention. Lowkey a response to my “starved of meaning” tirade? Turkeys. Gobble. Hallucinating his friend as a giant turkey? Hmmmmm. Lost internet for a second on 11:11PM. ??????????????????????? I’m going to die of pain today. I was so brilliant. Goodbye. I’m not even angry, just impossibly sad and hopeless. I had it. I had it all. 2022 was my last good year of writing. Whatever I came up with on CLOUD DAY actually pales in comparison. Motivation or suifuel? Who knows? How did I get to 2022 point? I meditated a lot, like a lot a lot. I stuck to a routine of meditation. That’s it. I will meditate again. I will make sure I get the gamma brain waves again not from songs but from hard focus and love and passion. Rankles. I forgot that word. You know what? I’m turning CW199 work into a publishable CNF book. I believe it will find a home. Ok. I’ll take it. “Life is a crazy thing” is actually for me from Kim Diet. She posted from “John Lobo” account on Scribd her “paper” that I don’t recall was given on April 5 or 12. Deirdre you are, bitch. Add sources. Well, my idea came “true” with Vico. He’s the impossible superstimulus I am struggling to resist like an AI deepfake of a romantic sexy guy. Thanks, I hate it!!!! I was better off being angry. Now that I’m “happy” I’m inutile and constantly horny. Bristled. Forgot that word. I need a mind expander and what better way than lucid rage? I need to tap into my rage even more. Never forget what they did. You lost your mind, literally and figuratively. I’m going to grow my brain by meditating for 1 hour after I completely read my CW 199. I heard silence grows new brain connections. “SAGIP BATANG PALENGKE” AMP. Monster Rescue: A Children’s Story for Adult Readers BOY WHO KNOWS? THEY COULD BE TRAWLING MY SPOTIFY!!!! HELLO. I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE. I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO BABIES. I EVEN CUT OFF THAT BABY IN VICO’S PICTURE BECAUSE IT DOES NOTHING TO ME. WTF????????????? A.W. Prihandita definitely knows what happened to me via Sydney. I just viewed her stories and she is copying the way I write. Well, my story from 2019 had nothing to do with her story, it just had aliens and is about scholarship. I have big hands. Shawntel has big hands. Whoever our male children will be, they will have big dicks!!!!! I think it’s accurate. Maybe, just a hunch. I have a “stigmata” on my ring finger. _nervous laughter._ ….. IT’S A SMALL TRIANGLE RUBY???????? No one will actually marry me now that I’m scarred for life/alpha-widowed by Vico. BYE. It’s pointless to hope. I must become a nun of some sort now for real when before I was just joking. I have to accept that people will only want to have sex with me only, but they will never marry me because competing with the Vico model in my mind is too much of a challenge. How do I not be alpha-widowed? Currently reading Alpha-Widowhood: A Guide on RedPillWomen. FUCK. No one is clicking on my website. Maybe my classmates are scrambling too. They have no time to read. ERIKAAAAAAA WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOOGLED WHO ANITA LOVE IS WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea that name means “grace” or “favor.” I don’t ever recall ingesting a book with name meanings in it. Or maybe somewhere in my far past? No, that is impossible???????? I was never interested in name meanings until after 2019. You know what? Sydney should just end up with Mike then??????? WTF I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. FREEDOM. I DO NOT NEED HIS MONEY. HE WILL AGE. HE HAS ONEITIS FOR AUDREY, but maybe Sydney could change that and change his mind? BOY he will actually become a feminist at that rate. I just googled Erika AND AMP. RULE OVER WHAT???? I JUST WANT TO FUCK. Too bad though, this will never happen. The one thing I want in life frustrated over “Jesus” mission. Yeah, Llamas means “fire” as in, tongues of fire???????????????? I will fall pregnant without having sex???????????????????? BYE I WOULD RATHER DIE. Maybe I’ll even get raped by an ugly guy. CHEEZUS FUCK NO. I will probably have to stay at home forever. You see my problem? My greatest fear in that Ampota photographer actually coming true, he was the first male to touch me inappropriately. My butt. I will forever hate God if that happens to me. I cannot describe the disgust and despair I experienced in 2023. No wonder I was ruined. I became evil because of my perception of this evil happening. My greatest desire being beautiful and having a ratty ass toothless smoker touching my butt. I guess I can never understand prostitution. I cannot hate them now. Not when the poorest of them all have to tolerate so much ugliness and can only dream of love and beauty. _Looks askance_ at Vico. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Well, he isn’t a bastos person because he told a person who made a joke about leaving her husband for him that “bad yan” or something. Maybe he watches porn. Maybe he struggles with it. I can tell he is attracted to Rhian Ramos. I recall he saved the video of her at the nail spa with the air making her skirt fly up. OMG HE IS A PERVERT??????????? I just remembered again. I had no idea why I suddenly became addicted to him. This is no accident. My memory is really bad too. I need Dihexa. I’m dangerously deteriorating and it’s important for me to have a semblance of a pain remembrance because for some reason I keep suppressing pain. I don’t actually care if he watches porn. I don’t care what men who watch porn think about anymore. I don’t care about what used to make me rage. Except Jeffrey. I hate the fact that he is attracted to Joella probably. He’s just telling me he’s attracted to Nadine Lustre. How maybe this writer guy is lucky as fuck for bagging a “baddie” who also “had a glowup” when my glow up is mostly fake and camera angles. I have no idea what I really look like. I’m so anodyne that no one looks at me when I go out. I might as well be invisible, and the glasses really makes me look frumpy. Yeah, at least I remembered what anodyne is correctly. I cannot progress fast enough at this point. I need all of my talent from 2018 to seize me like a lightning bolt, like Percy Jackson or something. I cannot make anything happen anymore. I’ve truly lost my fiction writing skills. Truth be told I want Vico to be horny. Fuck. I would be sad if he was asexual. Maybe Jesus is asexual. People reading me are spreading the word that I value Jeffrey the most. BYE. He’s probably rolling in wild pussy right now and just has the restraint to not brag about it. Everyone I value is going to be valuable? Except me. I can’t stop thinking of Kristina Uy. I mean, UC Berkeley doctor. Whatever. And Alix, her movie. Mystery really makes men curious. I’m going to stop being horny here and my social media. Whatever. I can’t stop fixating on the thought that some woman out there is truly perverted and I have once even masturbated to her telling men to cheat on their wives and girlfriends with her. I need to stop eroticizing evil. This is truly why I hate Barbie by Greta Gerwig. Making CEOs human just to appeal to them so that her ideas get more monetary benefits. There is a reason why the romance genre is so saturated with billionaire guy stories “choosing” to commit to an average schmuckerella. It is pornographic. It’s my Vico model. His response to the K-pop TikTok account? Write fanfiction of him so good governance is more popular? Well, I have no clue how it works. He is already very popular but I don’t understand why he would be greedy for more female attention? Maybe he hates that his beauty makes him men’s #1 enemy. He would be more respected I guess if he was average. Maybe I should eroticize an average good governance guy so that more good men get the spotlight too. I feel like being average is not a bad thing, but you’re really just fighting against inflation conditioning everyone. I am actually making him look even worse if “the new Jesus” wants him too. Well, my current logic is to refuse the call I guess, being “the fool” that I am. I am supposed to not want power that much. Power. Power. Powerpuff. Lol. People are just wondering if I orgasm fast? I mean, to my estimation it’s helped by the fact that I don’t need to touch myself to experience a half orgasm. It’s really a mental thing where somehow I can control it a little bit. I’m just wondering if my sister is capable of this too. I remember in childhood she was very shocked that her clitoris is a relatively(?) big thing. Mine is too, probably. I have bigger feet than her. I just hate that her dimmed “beauty” is ideal. An above-average sized clitoris. I mean, I literally don’t have a micropenis on me. It’s just terribly easy for me to make myself orgasm. I wonder why I’m not happier. I just know why it’s not satisfying and it’s because no one intends for me to feel that way but myself. Obviously. Bye. I was capable of doing this when I was a freshie in Kalayaan dorm, imagining Renzo that now-doctor? I guess you can improve this by meditating. OMG RENZO CHUA. At least I can still remember some things. There is another Renzo Chua from Xavier School???????????? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FROM COMPSCI???????????????? 6:51AM. I have not meditated and I have re-remembered my “WHY”: SHE LOOKS LIKE CHLOE GONG?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? World-class beauty indeed. Just fucking shoot me. Constantly on the NY Times bestseller list and comes from an Ivy League and became #1 bestseller and is the envy of everyone around her. I mean, I literally don’t want to be envied? Why would I put other women in that position??????????????? If they only knew how miserable I am being myself, they would not want to be me. Chloe Gong seems really brilliant but I have not read her work. I tried to read the first chapter of one of her books but I was not impressed nor hooked. Not like R.F. Kuang. Better not be like Chloe then. Chloe Gong hasn’t been to Odyssey Workshop. They’re almost the same age. They are under 30????????????????? WTF????????????????? Too bad Odyssey costs actual money and has no scholarships. Come to think of it, she is right to think she looks sort of like Catriona. Shoot me again. I’m remembering the wrong things today. I’m supposed to be relieved but the pain is coming back. OH LOL GELO IS FROM LANGUAGE STUDIES??????????????? I AM NOT FULL DID. Although I do wonder why my armodafinil doesn’t work sometimes. Maybe it’s feeding the _other one_ or it gets straight-shot into that person’s system. It’s quite impossibly the only proof I have that I don’t understand why I never took it seriously enough. I currently don’t have armodafinil. NEED TO WATCH TENET AGAIN. I DIDN’T GET IT. FUCK. JAN 1 CANNOT COME FASTER AND SLOWER. 7 days left to write the novel. YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME. ERIKA IS THE NAME OF MY SISTER’S BEST FRIEND FROM MY DREAM. I’M GOING TO DIE?????????????????????