CLARKESWORLD 2ND ACCEPTANCE HOLY MACARONI!!!!! AEEEEPEPEEPPEEPPEPEEE!!!!!! HOWWWW???????? I mean, I knew from the morning but I fell asleep anyway. One word: Marivic? Horrible dream about Jeffrey cheating on me with a red-brown-haired girl. They were “kissing, flirting, and cousin-profing.” No idea. This was after I read his message at 7:42AM. He also liked my picture. No pressure or anything, but make your prangkahan story into a publication-worthy spec-fic story. Just so it’s not wasted. I guess I’ll have fun with it. It’s been so long. Two things Jeffrey is “saying”: he’s changed in that he’s awake at 7:42AM. He’s telling me I “deserve”—which is a wording of the Gabriel Garcia Marquez post I shared on FB. I should be happier about the 2nd Clarkesworld acceptance—I mean, who knows? It could be nominated for an award? Maybe it’ll go viral? I think I’m only 80% happy today. I don’t know but I think it’s me just devaluing it unconsciously because I wrote it at 19. I don’t even remember what caused me to write it. I just polished it heavily. And added some relevant psych stuff, otherwise it was really well-done already. AND I WAS FUCKING 19!!! How did I manage to lose the “it factor”? GREAT. I just need to write the prangkahan story to make myself internalize excellent identity again. I wasn’t even gunning for it to be published, I just had fun with it. Writing isn’t fun now because I’m always thinking of how much I could get from it. Which market will take it. Will it land with audiences? Will I manage to clinch an award nomination? I don’t know. All right, the song made me realize something about micromanagement. I don’t know anything about Vico. I just notice he cares about mundane things a lot. Like making sure work gets done and updates all the time about it. Of course, he’s gonna take the blame if something goes wrong. I guess that’s being a true leader. GAH. I am trying not to be obsessed with him. I realize I am nearing dangerous levels of delulu. Nothing could probably make me dislike him. I actually like if he’s a hothead, maybe. Guy with high standards. Guy who deserves to have high standards. BRO. I REALIZED JAN 1 IS NOT A HARD DEADLINE FOR MY CW 200. AT LEAST, Ma’am owes me this for being an absentee. Maybe Jan 3. I have 2 extra days. I’m sort of oscillating between being sort of excited to get started or maybe I’m just scared. I guess the concept of a chaser is applicable to sexual love. Like you’d get too sick of one partner for a while, then you experience a sort of break from them to recharge your appetite. My life is so unreal right now. 19-year-old me would be floored by what is happening. A healthier infatuation that makes me want to be a better person. 2 publications in Clarkesworld, one coming from Strange Horizons, a stellar idea for at least 3 projects. I ought to be happier. I am happy, but it’s like I’m a bottomless well. It could always be better. I could always be more attractive and maybe get more validation from someone actually pursuing me for real. Being wanted is something I really want to happen in my future. As always, I realize it’s really hard to spark that attention-dopamine-serotonin in someone’s brain. Nobody really wants me. Not the way I want Jeffrey or Vico. I just wish… I don’t even care if it’s not that strong of an obsession as mine. The thought that someone wants to please me because they want to make me happy is so appealing to me. Nobody is really doing that right now. All I’m doing is a bid for attention and admiration. It’s all material stuff anyway that impresses people and makes them want to know who I am. Nobody is really curious about me. No one thinks of my thoughts as precious. Why is this so important? Have I negative self-worth? Why do I need another person to validate me? And it has to be someone I want too. I never question it. It’s just something that makes me operate in greedy ways. I’m always craving something that will increase my self-view or opinion of myself. I’m always working against the motherlode of bullying in my youth and from not being heard in childhood. I’m such a basic loser. I wish had more complex problems. Nothing will fix this outside of real change that will enable me to get more prestige or beauty. Or maybe I’ll have so much fun with writing again that for a moment, I’ll forget my deepest aches. Nothing of note happened on December 17, although I’ll always remember this as the first time in nearly two years I got a really irritating post-nasal drip and cough that just won’t quit!!! I wonder what caused it. I was sick before I went to Manila. My legs feel so heavy today. I ran out of atomoxetine. Great. But it was so useless though, because you kept spending that high on social media. FUCK.