### **Morning Pages** What a bad day to be productive. My period’s so heavy. Slightly worried I may have hormone problems because it started in spots, stopped for two days, then started up again, which the internet says could be a sign of endometriosis or PCOS. Hope not. I don’t need more complication. It’s 5:54PM, and the only productive thing I did was meditate and get started on migrating my writings and crunching documents in Claude to make my life easier. I am so not ready to write Clarion Novel Anatomy first chapter. I am so scared. But I really need to work. Okay, I’ve completely lost interest in Bluesky guy now. He doesn’t like any of my posts even though I think I liked his about 5 times now. New ship has sailed: Vico Sotto x Shawntel Nieto. They’re an even better match than Nikka Gaddi. Both TOYM awardees, both in some humanitarian and political fields. And now he’s collaborating with Cainta mayor who is her uncle. And he liked two of her pictures which are not related to books, but were actually of HER. It’s a sign of interest? I think. I am such a terminally online stalker that I know these things. — 10:50PM: Casually noticed that Vico’s song in his story “Everyday Life” is a little like my poem. I mean, it’s just oddly synchronous. — I need to become better at working. I have no work ethic. It’s so impossible to me how other people magically just do stuff. Whatever energy I manage to scrounge up I waste on the most vapid things like editing my website to death. Or checking out other writers’ progress. — Trying to be normal about it. Like you know, a bolt of lightning didn’t just hit my nerve. Why tho? — Maybe it’s time to let go of my publishing career dreams. I really want to be a full-time author, not a person who handles other people’s books. I just can’t see myself tolerating that kind of work even though I need a regular job of some kind, expecting it to be easy. I need to let that venue go because I want to be a businessperson and author and philosopher. Not a publishing industry professional. I have to be fine with the dearth of experience on my CV and resume. I just feel like I’m only doing it so I’ll look good to employers who I will eventually want to quit anyway because my real goal is to write for a living. I think it’s more realistic for Filipinos anyway since payment is in USD and even a small deal like 10,000 USD is enough for a year to live on. One book a year.