### **Morning Pages** Everything will change today. I will finish my research proposal. — Lost tabs on Nov 5. Remember this. — Disgusted by my own paralysis. It’s almost 8:00PM. I’ve been psyching myself up for about 1 hour reading my literature review. Osmosis. I keep daydreaming about being a new person who isn’t constantly swimming in this awareness of my own inferiority. At least let me have a mind that forgets about being unattractive or plain for one hour. I keep thinking it’ll be like 100% better, maybe 1000% better. I remember being so disgusted at having no eyebrows. I know what it’s like, but I’ve seemingly pruned away the memory now that I have tattooed eyebrows. I was constantly disgusted and antsy and sticking temporary stickers on my face. My life vastly improved and I became empowered to have more headspace for more important things. I cannot wait until I forget myself for once. 2026 is coming, and I will welcome it. Money is the solution to the biggest existential problem I am dealing with. 2026 will change for me. I know it will. I will make it. I will roll my R’s. Maybe I’ll learn Spanish. I’ll finally sound like a native Filipino and say “parang” endlessly without sounding cringy. Surgery is the answer. Fuck people who are in denial about lookism. GODDAMN I REALLY NEED DIHEXA. I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS. EVERY PAPER IS A CLEAN SLATE AND I HAVE NO IDEA EVERY TIME HOW TO REPEAT WHAT I DO. Maybe this is why I take so much time. I never learn permanently. I just have an ad hoc quick intuition that doesn’t become habitual. It disappears just as quick as I finish papers. I have 4 hours left in this day. Did I have all that talent and intuition because I was ugly? Or could I have been vastly better and smarter if I wasn’t consumed by it? I want to think it’s both. If I was the first, it means I have a point of view that’s so specific and unique. If I was the second, my life will exponentially improve once I take care of these base instincts. Once I gain a new perception about my own physicality and absorb it like feedback. Once I outgrow depression. I will outgrow it because I don’t see how I won’t be validated imperceptibly or be buffered by the awareness that I am appealing. The self-hatred that’s core to my identity will shift to something better. I will become so focused on other things that will actually be productive. I was right. The results for Romeo Forbes came exactly today. But BOY was I so wrong. I lost, and not even a finalist. I’m not too sad about it because PBBY-Salanga is still giving me hope. At least I’m not a finalist who literally got nothing. I was so confident I would win. For a brief week or two I was conditioned to think I would be a winner. LOL. BIAS MEDIA. I need to remember that it’s a really subjective industry. I will not appeal to everybody. It’s just stinging me because I really wanted it. I even expected it more than Palanca. Wow maybe I shouldn’t be entitled. Manifestation is not reliable. I am willing to believe in it because I’m biased by Clarkesworld result after 6 years. So fucking strange though, Clarkesworld. I mean, I’m trying to be objective how a magazine known for hard science fiction accepted my YA-vibe short story. It’s just so surprising and lucky. I am so not objective about it. Maybe I’ll win PBBY-Salanga, but I want to publish it myself or even send it out to international markets. Repeat after me: you have enough language. You do not need a lot of sophistication to get started. You have literally been working on morning pages and you surprised yourself. You will eventually be able to do it. If not, then not YET. For Nov 13: [tiny.utk.edu/sundress](http://tiny.utk.edu/sundress) password: SAFTA workshop “The Intersection of Religion and Mental Health in Poetry”