### **Morning Pages** Looking forward to Romeo Forbes announcement any time from Nov. 5 to Nov 17. — 5:34AM. Could not sleep and had the mildly brilliant idea to submit my story A Space O/pera as a reprint in Escape Pod. I don’t know why I never submitted it there as a reprint. It must have slipped my mind. Hopefully, it pays off. It’s an extra $100 dollars!!! — 3:30PM Took pramiracetam and noopept. Waiting for it to kick in. So far, just mild. I ought to be on fire right now!!! I have a killer book concept and plot. I should be gunning for end-of-year draft completion. Copyright expires next year. I need to imbibe Fault in Our Stars voicey writing. And Hunger Games plotting and immersion. — I just need to throw myself off a cliff and actually start working on Anatomy. No more dicking around. I have 3 months at best if I really want to make full use of my advantage. First-to-market is always best. — So I heard Sydney won a World Fantasy Award. Honestly trying not to be envious. I am trying to be happy amidst where my grief really comes from. I was set so far back after 2019 when we could have been peers. I could have written many amazing stories since 2019, given my natural talent for bullshitting and imagination. Half-kidding. But I was onto something in 2019. I felt writing was so fun and expansive. I had all these ambitions. I got snuffed out by them. I don’t forget this fact, it just gets dimmed. So much of my world caved in and introduced all sorts of chaos that I still can’t believe happened. And now I have all these tabs I have to get to. All these tasks piling up. And seemingly shrinking pools of time and energy. — Tired for no reason at 11:54PM even though I’ve only been awake since 3PM. I’m thinking twice whether I should overdose on Pramiracetam and Noopept because they don’t seem to work at all. No difference, just so mild. WTF is wrong with my body. I really have to get my thyroid checked. I keep stalking Jeffrey and becoming an abangers person, hoping he’s unhappy—wow so selfish of me—by not having a new person. He hasn’t posted since July. I’m a little worried, okay I’m a lot worried. I hate that I’m never able to soothe myself these days. All I feel is a compulsion to stalk people. I’m permanently distracted. I need to take advantage of the surveillance for my own benefit. Okay, accountability so I’ll feel really ashamed(unhealthy?) if I don’t follow through. I will not use social media tomorrow. Absolute blackout. I need to finish my research proposal tomorrow. I cannot keep putting it off when I feel like I have enough spoons in the day. I can never have enough spoons if I don’t exercise. It’s been weeks since I last had a long exercise session. I need to do it at least four times in a month. Now it’s November 4. I will do it as soon as I wake. I will take my preworkout like an automaton and I will suck it up because duty makes the world run, not impulse and feelings. No one got to somewhere great without tolerating that need to be in homeostasis. Stop shooting yourself in the foot.