### **Morning Pages** 12:57AM: finally showered after not doing so for maybe about a week. Feels great!!! Prioritize hygiene. Less concerned about bacteria because I never go out anyway. — 2:23PM: My entire room now smells like rose oil. I do not like it, but if it helps my memory… UGGH. 3:05PM: noticed edema swelling in my ankle and foot because of estrogen. Well on the bright side I’m more emotional and had a good cry over Jeffrey. Even if it was sad. Can’t believe a situationship made me cry but here we are. Emotionality coming back. THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING YOU LOSE WITH MOVEMENT. IT IS WHAT GOT YOU NOVEMBER 14. Problem: make rewards worth it to your brain to reinforce habits. Stop short-form content consumption but only on Sundays. Remember: you have Butterbeer and Stranger Things as medium rewards for later. Get on it!! So far, your reward systems have been hijacked by delusion. Vico and his stories. Think hard about what really rewards you independently. Like base instincts. 1. Feeling brilliant after finishing something (high) 2. Getting things done (mild/moderate) 3. Looking brilliant in public (mild/moderate) 4. Pleasing someone who has high standards and getting their approval (high/Clarkesworld) 5. Winning against other people and setting a standard (high/not yet reinforced even if won Garden Party Collective contest) 6. Being angry and being proven right/being justified by what happens externally (lol-moderate) 7. Schadenfreude (really the lowest here—even if it feels mild, it disappears quickly. I’m either very evil (because the person only had bad things happen to them incidentally and not because of something I intended) or maybe I’m a better person than I thought—I don’t quite get satisfaction from seeing my enemies suffer for some reason, maybe, unless they realize or connect it to what they did to me) 8. External rewards like food (very quick-dissipating though, not quite worth it because I have to repeat doing it and it happens all within 5 minutes because I’m a fast eater) 9. Romantic thoughts and sexual fantasies (dangerous because it wastes time and you tend to get carried away—see: masturbating to Vico’s gigil face) 10. The feeling that I’m desirable (this came with uncertainty and turmoil though especially with Jeffrey heyday)—nudes and sexting making you quite useless a few days after because you are overloaded and in a hangover state. 11. The feeling that gets triggered by fantasy—that I’m worthy and valuable and rare (moderate) 12. The feeling that I’m meeting my own high standards whether in beauty or behavior (moderate-high) 13. When I surprise myself creatively by being more brilliant or capable than I could ever imagine (high—writing Qahluqulu getting a redemption arc, really turned around the so-so idea of an invasive creature just being weird and evil) All right, those are the only things I know of. Not even entertainment is rewarding. Egoic things in particular are narcissist rewards. But I guess I work with my history of competitiveness. BRUH. I am now a huge believer of the collective unconscious. Where else would I have gotten “changdao” if not from my brain tapping into something larger and eternal (or at least, immaterial). I have no proof, but I once posted my pixel art with a sword and shield and linking it to the A*star search algorithm. Reminds me faintly of A_A_STAR, my username on letterboxd, which is a play on AA sized boobs and “I’m a star” from Pearl. The dream literally had my boobs exposed, so this is why changdao = link from profile pic from far past = A_A_Star = attractive. That CS 12 take was formative in that it was right before my first Singapore trip and I really liked those consecutive wins, winning Game of Codes and going to Singapore immediately. I have literally lost all of my Mandarin proficiency. It was so long ago, like maybe 2020. And I don’t ever recall learning peripheral words like “changdao” for saber sword. This is not the first time I’ve dreamt about having a shirt over my neck. First it was seeing Mike and he looked really impossibly beautiful and I was in my house-church hybrid. Mom was perceptibly gone. And that dream happened when she was praying over me the night before. OH GOD. My mom is not gonna die I hope. Associative web from A_Star = Star_line. Esther. Ishtar. Atsara anagram = pickled grated unripe papaya. pixel art. Game of Thrones. Tyrion Lannister. Sword and shield. “Son and shield” song composed by dad in childhood. Red and yellow. C’est La Vie again. 2023 period gymming in condo. Literal stars. Iser. “Fixed stars variable lines” Iser. ALL_GO. So maybe that handler is a stand-in for Paolo. Directly working with dream logic for no apparent purpose but wonder. Something something Macherey Marxist view of art. GODDAMN I’m like a really fussy sex partner who craves variety and gets bored easily. The rule: > Never work past the point where boredom turns into disgust. Preserving _positive association_ prevents burnout long-term. Fear as a substitute for motivation. Deadlines work because you are scared you will not graduate. Even then your profs are not responding. Rotate for variety every 30 minutes. Write out of order. # 🔥 **THE CORE PROBLEM** You do not lack talent. You lack: 1. **Sustained stimulation** 2. **External structure** 3. **Low-friction pathways between inspiration → action** 4. **A way to trick your schizoid/autistic brain into caring long enough** Your boredom threshold kills momentum. Your burnout sensitivity kills consistency. You need a system that makes: - engagement _automatic_ - repetition _varied_ - progress _visible_ - work _modular_ - dopamine _predictable_ So you aren’t relying on “motivation.” # ⭐ And now, the most important part: ## 🔥 **The rule that saves schizoid/autistic writers:** > Do not force yourself to feel something. Force yourself to build a system that works when you feel nothing. Your consistency must come from design, not emotion. # ⭐ SYSTEM 8: **Burnout Immunity: The “Creative Well” Maintenance Plan** Burnout for schizoid/autistic creators happens when: - the internal fantasy system goes stale - imagination can’t renew - no new input - sensory or emotional depletion To prevent that, you must refill the well passively: ### **Input categories that help your neurotype:** - strange documentaries - niche online subcultures - psychological case studies - architectural or map visuals - surreal films - obscure historical anecdotes - random aesthetics (liminal spaces, analog horror, etc.) - your special interests Not fiction — _stimulus that refreshes your inner world_. You need **novelty injections** weekly. # ✅ **Key Principles to Stick To** 1. **Variety protects motivation** — rotate projects and tasks. 2. **Microprogress > motivation** — build systems that work when you feel nothing. 3. **Externalize memory & structure** — reduce cognitive bottlenecks. 4. **Protect positive association with writing** — stop before boredom becomes disgust. 5. **Inject novelty** — prevent burnout by keeping your imagination alive. 6. **Separate planning from creation** — Architect vs Creature brain prevents self-sabotage. 7. **Loops > willpower** — make consistency mechanical, not emotional. Perfect. Here’s a **full neurodivergent-optimized weekly schedule** that incorporates: - 3-Project Matrix (PLAY / BUILD / COLD) - Energy-matched blocks (Microburst / Sprint / Flow Gamble) - Two-Brains Method (Architect / Creature) - Loops for consistency - Burnout prevention & novelty injections - Cognitive offloading It’s designed so that boredom and fatigue **cannot kill your projects**. Times are flexible; adjust to your personal circadian rhythm. --- # **📅 Weekly Template** ### **Monday – Friday (Core Work Days)** |Time|Block|Project|Mode|Purpose / Task| |---|---|---|---|---| |**7:00–8:00 AM**|Microburst|PLAY|Architect|Quick brainstorm: worldbuilding, character idea, “what if” experiments| |**8:00–9:00 AM**|Sprint|BUILD|Architect|Outline scene, plot beats, scene order| |**9:00–9:15 AM**|Break|–|–|Novelty injection: short video, map, documentary clip| |**9:15–10:00 AM**|Sprint|BUILD|Architect|Detail dialogue or key scene description| |**10:00–10:10 AM**|Microburst|PLAY|Creature|Quick experiment: random scene fragment, unusual POV| |**10:10–11:00 AM**|Sprint|BUILD|Creature|Write one scene instinctively, no judgment| |**11:00–11:15 AM**|Break|–|–|Move physically, hydrate, novelty injection| |**11:15–11:45 AM**|Microburst|COLD|Creature|Minor edits / continuity fixes (low-energy)| |**11:45–12:00 PM**|Wrap-up|–|–|Mark tasks completed, visually track progress| **Optional Flow Gamble (1–2x per week)**: - Only when hyperfocused, 45–60 min for BUILD or PLAY. - Could be morning or evening depending on natural energy surge. --- ### **Afternoon / Low Energy Blocks (Optional / Flexible)** |Time|Block|Project|Mode|Purpose| |---|---|---|---|---| |**2:00–2:25 PM**|Sprint|PLAY|Creature|Worldbuilding sketches, experiment with story logic| |**2:25–2:35 PM**|Microburst|BUILD|Creature|Quick dialogue snippet, brainstorm plot twist| |**2:35–3:00 PM**|Break / Novelty|–|–|Liminal space videos, obscure history clip| |**3:00–3:25 PM**|Sprint|COLD|Architect|Assemble fragments, check plot coherence| |**3:25–3:35 PM**|Microburst|PLAY|Creature|Random “weird” idea fragment, no judgment| |**3:35–4:00 PM**|Wrap-up|–|–|Record insights, mark progress, plan tomorrow| **Notes:** - Low-energy blocks are mostly PLAY / COLD to protect the main BUILD flow. - NEVER push BUILD during micro-fatigue; this prevents burnout. --- ### **Evening / Creature Brain Work (Flexible)** - 6:00–7:00 PM – Free writing for BUILD / PLAY - 7:00–7:15 PM – Micro-break, novelty injection - 7:15–8:00 PM – Flow Gamble (if hyperfocused) **Rule:** Evening is instinctive, messy, and non-linear. No judgment. “Ugly Draft” encouraged. --- # **📊 Weekly Loops / Consistency** |Loop|Time|Task| |---|---|---| |**Daily**|End of day|Mark progress visually (checklist, color-coded board), note one “success” or insight| |**Weekly**|Saturday morning|Merge PLAY fragments into BUILD, move BUILD scenes to COLD, review week’s work| |**Weekly**|Saturday afternoon|Novelty / creative well injection: documentaries, architecture, obscure visuals, liminal spaces| |**Monthly**|1–2 hours|Archive old fragments, refresh PLAY project, evaluate progress, adjust project goals| --- # **🔑 Key System Principles Embedded** 1. **Rotate projects** → prevents boredom and staleness. 2. **Energy-matched blocks** → avoids fatigue, protects positive associations. 3. **Two-Brains separation** → Architect morning / Creature evening → prevents internal critique from killing flow. 4. **Fragment-first drafting** → mosaics keep novelty alive, reduces cognitive load. 5. **Cognitive offloading** → all plots, characters, timelines external → frees mental bandwidth. 6. **Micro-reward loops** → dopamine reinforcement without relying on emotion. 7. **Novelty injections** → prevent creative well from drying up. Perfect — you’re describing a **highly idiosyncratic reward profile**. What I notice immediately is: your reward system is **heavily calibrated to internal validation + high-standard external recognition**, and almost **completely insensitive to cheap dopamine hits** like food, casual schadenfreude, or quick pleasures. That’s why TikTok, IG, and other microstimuli barely move you. We can **hack your behavior and habits** by systematically leveraging your true “high-leverage” reward triggers rather than fighting your neurotype. Here’s a breakdown. --- # **1️⃣ Categorize your high-value triggers** |Reward Type|Strength|Notes / How it works| |---|---|---| |Feeling brilliant after finishing something|High|Peak intrinsic motivation; very immediate, lasts if task is meaningful| |Getting things done|Mild/moderate|Works best when coupled with _visible proof_ of competence| |Looking brilliant in public|Mild/moderate|Amplifies internal brilliance feelings; social + cognitive reward| |Pleasing high-standard authority (e.g., Clarkesworld)|High|External validation with high internal standard — extremely reinforcing| |Winning / setting a standard|High|Works if externally recognized; competitive reinforcement| |Being proven right / justified|Moderate|Works episodically; often situational| |Fantasy-driven worth & uniqueness|Moderate|Boosts confidence & self-value; can be artificially triggered by creation/achievement| |Meeting your own high standards|Moderate-High|Strong self-regulatory reinforcement; often overlaps with the “brilliant” feeling| |Surprise creative brilliance|High|Peak novelty + competence reward; rare, but addictive in the best way| **Low-value triggers** like food, casual schadenfreude, or sexual daydreams are **ephemeral** and unreliable for sustained motivation. They will burn attention and energy without building your system. --- # **2️⃣ Core insight** You are **“intrinsically driven by peak competence and external high-standard recognition.”** You are **rarely motivated by ordinary pleasure or casual dopamine hits.** This explains why you struggle with TikTok, IG, and other shallow inputs — they don’t meet your threshold for reward. It also explains why writing something surprising and brilliant, or winning against a respected benchmark, feels _epic_, while other things barely move you. ✅ **Implication:** Your behavioral hacks need to **create high-threshold, high-value reward loops** — not low-hanging fruit dopamine. --- # **3️⃣ Reward System Hacks / Levers** ### **A. Engineer “micro brilliance moments”** - Break tasks into **atomic achievements that trigger the “feeling brilliant” reward**. - Examples: - Finish a single scene that surprises you creatively → immediately document it visually or in Notion → reward: 1–2 min of reflection + marking it “complete.” - Write a twist or inventive beat you didn’t expect → internal “wow” moment. - Goal: replicate the Qahluqulu effect **in miniature** across tasks. > Key: This is instant high-threshold feedback without needing social recognition. --- ### **B. Layer external high-standard validation** - Use **targeted micro-goals with authority recognition**: - Submit short fiction to high-standard markets (Clarkesworld, Strange Horizons, Apex, etc.) early, even if small. - Ask for critiques from people you respect (1–2 max, highly selective). - Create “standard challenges” against which you can measure yourself. > These reinforce intrinsic reward and produce a “legitimately high reward” dopamine spike. --- ### **C. Make winning / competitive feeling actionable** - Gamify your progress with **self-comparisons**: - “This version of the scene is stronger than last week’s.” - Keep a **personal leaderboard** of your drafts, completions, or competitions. - Enter **contests** where recognition is high-stakes but low-frequency (like Garden Party Collective, Clarkesworld). - Track wins and milestones visually — your brain craves proof. --- ### **D. Leverage creative surprise** - Purposefully **force constraints / randomness** to trigger “surprise brilliance”: - Write scenes in unusual POVs. - Create a limitation (e.g., no adjectives, or only dialogue) to force innovative solutions. - Combine elements unexpectedly (species + archetype + setting) → your brain recognizes novelty + competence. - Track every “unexpectedly good” result — reinforces high dopamine / low habituation. --- ### **E. Trigger “meeting your own high standards”** - Always **pre-frame tasks as standard-defining**: - “This scene must be the best X I’ve written this month.” - Use **internal benchmarks** rather than external pressures. - After completion, **reflect on it deliberately** (2–3 minutes) → reward loop for self-satisfaction. --- ### **F. Avoid traps** - **Do not rely on ephemeral triggers**: food, sexual fantasies, casual schadenfreude. - These have extremely fast decay and often leave you depleted (or distracted for hours). - Instead, **convert energy into high-threshold rewards** like writing, creation, contests, or surprising yourself creatively. --- ### **G. Combine all levers into a system** - Every writing block → attempt to **hit one of your “high reward triggers”**: 1. Micro brilliance moment (surprise yourself) 2. Achievement visible / “getting things done” 3. Self-standard met → reflect 4. Optional external validation → submit, share, or benchmark - Keep a **visual reward board**: - ✅ Micro brilliance - ✅ Task done - ⭐ Surprise creative insight - 🏆 External high-standard recognition > Seeing multiple boxes ticked triggers multiple overlapping reward pathways in your brain. It’s like compounding your intrinsic dopamine. - [ ] STAND EVERY END OF HOUR.