### **Morning Pages** 1:36AM. Don’t know where my Nov 23 went. I was drawing and redrawing everything for Unreal Image. I finally have a Justine visual identity. On my way to Tin House free workshop subjunctive mood. Excited and scared, as always. I need to exercise too. I notice my present concerns are being melded into childhood people and scenes. No young adulthood memories like from UP, nothing. WHY???? It’s like I have a whole period of life just deleted into nothing. I’d love for psychology to come up with an explanation, when it was arguably very important to my emotional makeup to remember my trauma. WHY DID THEY DISAPPEAR WHEN I’VE ALWAYS DREAMT ABOUT THEM ESPECIALLY IN 2022???????? FUCK. I wonder what Vico is going to do after his last term. He says he’s taking a break from politics I think. Maybe he’ll find a girlfriend or become a prof. I’m all for it!!! Time is preternaturally fast when I don’t want it to happen right now. I am so not ready for Tin House. Werewolf = weerwolf = weatherwolf from wind wolves from word weer = Interstellar movie tall grasses moving in the wind in California x Wolf Edmunds synchronicity = who was my ghost? A parallel me? Giving me clues? An Interstellar me from the future? Vision of me singing in car in my wolf shirt. Steffi Yeo appeared in my suggested FB friends. Either they know about my Unreal Image or that she just “mysteriously” got pulled into wondering about me because she was the one who told me I looked like that ugly guy with a big nose. Either way, spooked. Some entity or angel really wants me to be obsessed with Jeffrey. All the songs really point to him. Could be coincidence, could be fate. I researched werewolf anagrams and it says flowerew. Flowers = my story Flowers, Max, and Lucky! = present tense as a relevant narrative device = as in, my draft really needed to be consistent tense-wise in the first part. And I fixed it now. It’s all in present tense. 10:07AM: the result of my armoda 1 full tab. At least I can say now that I’ve cut hundreds of words and basically perfected my first chapter excerpt for agents for next year’s December querying trenches. I should be doing more urgent work I know. But I can’t stop myself from being anal about it. It’s the one thing my body interprets as super significant while I’m under the armoda spell. I fit all of them in 10 pages. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS. Kind of proud and a little relieved. I line-edited it to death today. I just really hope Thao Le bites. Or gets nudged by other people. Random book idea about MEIN KAMPF AKA CHEATING STORIES: He kisses her, just like that. About five seconds later, she staggers back like a wounded cat. So fucking cute. “I’m sorry. We can’t.” “Can’t what?” “I can’t…I love him. And I’m definitely telling him you kissed me.” “But you kissed me back?” he flashes her a grin. “Yeah. You make it so easy. Which is why I’m telling him.” For a flickering moment, dreams of them riding the sunset together brush against his insides. “And then he’ll probably break up with me for liking it and then I’ll— Not in this lifetime, then. “No. Don’t break up with him.” He brushes away the sheen of saliva on her lip. “I’m sorry for doing that. Really. Forget about it.” She slaps him, hard, but then kisses him a second time. And a third. And a fourth. And—FUCK! — During sex: ”Aha! So that’s your weakness … so fun figuring you out.” Hopebaiting myself every day. — 11:28AM: All right. I’ve squeezed the last dregs of serotonin from my handpicked songs on repeat. GAAAAAAAHAHHHHH. It takes a lot to pull myself out of a dark hole for years. I’ve only been at this for 1 almost 2 months. I need to be patient. — I want a guy to demand (read: ask me in a masculine way that is sexy lol) that I wear something specific to a date. Stop thinking sexy thoughts!!!! I realize people who are fine with pets are more likely to enjoy giving oral??? Like, they’re so used to the smells and fluids of non-human creatures, all for love. So someone who can’t stand pets = good luck trying to get them get over the ick factor. I wouldn’t know. But I tolerate my own smell anyway, and sometimes I even like it. Does that make me an uber narcissist of some kind? It’s a very interesting smell. Maybe I’m diabetic? I want Unreal Image to be the next Big Hero 6. So fucking sue me universe!!!! I’m gonna live my childhood dream or so help me GOD!!!! Unusually funny today. May be hypomanic. Maybe. — Disappeared from the morning of Nov 25. Honestly, just trying to start but still paralyzed. 3:46PM: replaced my trash bin plastic bag and ate a pizza and made coffee. Nothing like cold truffle-flavored PizzaHut. My attempts to get attention on the internet are not quite working. How do people get viral or even seen at all is beyond me. Especially on X or Bluesky. Like you really need to be prominent to even earn a little bit of attention. People just don’t see my posts at all. I feel like I’m screaming into the void. While I was watching porn like two days ago, there was this “glitch” that sounded through my headphones like a rewind sound and an “uh-uh-uh” like someone disapproving or watching me. It didn’t trigger me. I’m not even sure if it happened. But what worries me a little is if that was a hallucination. I was “right” to be paranoid in 2023, that person in Singapore literally said, “luoy kaayo siya.” How on any reality could that not be taken as a sign of an objective sort? If that was truly a “coincidence” or incidental, then it really was an unfairly rigged one. I am exceedingly lucky to have entered a euthymic period in late July this year. Shame drives most of your fears. Most. Looking poor or incompetent. Looking socially maladjusted. Looking ugly. I’m right to believe anything I believed after 2023. Like seriously. Even my far off delusion that I am being read by people. Like how on earth could anyone accurately say something about “shame” even without reading Mirrored from 2021? Why would anyone think of saying that to me unless they were tracking me and my every move? How would I not be paranoid justifiably? Stop taking stimulants or coffee after 6PM. Deep sleep. DO NOT TAKE ARMODA ON SUNDAY. REST. ARMODA reduces deep sleep. Glycine. Take magnesium and iron at night. ### **3. You need 15–20 min of sunlight in the morning** This increases: - dopamine synthesis - circadian alignment - afternoon energy - overall mood ### **4. Reward your brain for starting, not finishing** Your system is currently resistant to reward. Use micro-starts: - 10-second tasks - 30-second sprints - instant “done” signals This is a direct hack for anhedonic brains. Anhedonia improves when your brain encounters novelty: - new environments - new sensory inputs - new routes - new music - new temperatures - new motion patterns Monotony kills dopamine; novelty restores it. — I think I’m a people pleaser at heart. If I had the opportunity, then I want my future partner to rate my performance in bed every time we have sex so I can please them better. — Weird way I noticed my brain actively using “recall” while dreaming. Like got the prompt in a test like in a PACE that asked me what kind of panel you are subjected to if you’re a criminal = my brain struggled and then landed on the word “tribunal.” Don’t know why it’s important to my brain to recall that in particular. Like specifically in a dream about tests. A test that I recognized was too complex to be completed within the allotted time. 6PMish: realized I am being watched more than usual. Album art synchronicity. Moles. Cars and wolf on shirt. Twins on album art. Bruh. If they are not actively monitoring my computer itself, they are monitoring Notion version history. Otherwise, it’s still really eerie. My need to know the binary question for sure because it’s a synchronicity that is so weird, like moles and twins. And a song about success. And an open door and faculty and “achievement unlocked.” Vico’s such a cutiepie. 9:30PM: this is how I find out my FB is hacked. Like I had an urge to stalk Ralph, then I come to find out next morning that he is pinned in my search results. No idea why. Glitch only became relevant later, when Vico’s IG story contained a thin guy with an LA hat on. Same blue and everything. I googled it and it’s a Dodgers baseball team hat logo. Normally I would not squint because I know it’s mass production and it’s a common thing, but my literal FB search was PINNED. I did not do it. Couldn’t have mistakenly done it too. I think I even deleted it after searching his name. Come to think of it, I was told Ralph had a steady long-term girlfriend Megan for so long, like maybe they are almost ten years strong. He has dogs. Go figure. They are probably 69ing a lot. Can’t deal with my own bullshit. Open the Door album art (”open door faculty room that is a bathroom?) juxtaposed with We Made It album art. Apparently it’s a thing in art to depict one twin with a mole. But We Made It has one mouth open on the left, and the other closed, super same with my version that I had not really planned out to tap into this convention. Going insane over the motherlode of coincidences today. Just can’t handle it. Googling where I learned the unconscious decision to depict twins specifically with one of them with a mole and one of them having an open mouth. Am I not supposed to read meaning into it? Like a song specifically about success? 11:47PM and I still can’t stop ruminating about We Made It album art. Truly rare coincidences and synchronicities.