### **Morning Pages** Ma’am Marby showed up in class, hasn’t responded to my emails. I think I’m gonna be fine if I get an INC. Worst case, I’m dropped from this class because she actually hates me. She hasn’t exactly helped me with the “alternate learning” part. So Kate and Issa are talking to me now. I’m feeling some social reward. I don’t know why but I hope I keep this up. I have no idea why they started talking to me out of the blue. So I did some part of Mirrored outline and synopsis yesterday and got through Act 1 and almost done with Act 2. Working memory is not so great. Couldn’t keep a lot of ideas in my orbit or mental scratchpad to really think through stuff without being guided by the template. Remember, it’s only going to get easier if you keep at it. Hopefully I’ll be quicker with drafting a synopsis and outline for Anatomy. I have approx. 15 hours left before deadline. BYEE. At best, I finish the synopsis also, but at worst, I’ll submit whatever I have finished so far. Hopefully that’s the outline. I’m excited and scared to dive into it. Fear is the mindkiller. I realize I haven’t brushed my teeth last night. Stop being a sensation-seeking bastard. Music feels bleh because you keep overloading yourself. Just exercise for 10m. You’ll be fine. A COMPLICATION: Have to draft Mirrored really fast before January ends. And it’s now a full-sized novel. WOW there. RX: 2-3 times a day, exercise in bursts of 5 minutes after 60 minutes of work. It’s just 5 minutes. You’ll train your body to move for 15 minutes a day and its adds up. A week later, ramp it up to 10 minutes per 60 minutes. — 1:06AM: Done showering (half) and all. Neck pain is annoying. Have to portion money to fund study. Like 5 people to answer my survey. 100 pesos each. Worked for about 1 hour and 15 minutes now. Just polishing Act 1 and half of Act 2 for Mirrored. Almost done with Act 2. Just 4 more beats. And then 3 more beats for Act 3. 7 in total. I have time, but I don’t know how much time I should devote to each. Bruh, got the Multiverse of Madness reference. Will watch it later this week. 6:32AM: 6 beats left. Until I’m finally done. Please!!!! I have enough time, I think. I just need a little break. 11:14AM: I’m hurtling too close to the sun now!!! Adrenaline take hold!!!! I’m so close and yet so far!!!! At least I made some nice edits that I caught. Like Dr. Palma and “_new_ new school.” 8:14PM: GOOD LAWDY. IT’S LIKE I DIED AND WENT TO FEMCEL HEAVEN BEING PLEASURED BY GOD HIMSELF. I will write about the rollercoaster of emotions I went through tomorrow, because I AM INSANE NOW. I DID IT!!!! I FUCKING DID IT!!!!!!!!! I TURNED IN MY CLARION WEST SYNOPSIS AND OUTLINE LIKE A FUCKING GENIUS. AND THAT’S COMING FROM MY OWN EVALUATION OF MY WORK. WHICH IS A GOOD ENOUGH STANDARD, BECAUSE I’M NUMB AND HARD TO PLEASE. I mean, I keep rereading it and it just gets better and better. I created a really funny, really sad, really amazing piece of synopsis + outline in the nick of time. THANK YOU KATY PERRY DARK HORSE. I was listening to it the entire time, well, most of the time, and I didn’t get distracted at all by the music unlike what happens with most other music. It just gave me this hype feeling that carried me through for some reason. THANK YOU GOD!!!! THANK YOU UNIVERSE. I had my doubts, like, will this be better than my Anatomy ideas? Like, seriously, I seriously absolutely think it’s brilliant. Even more than Anatomy. If only I could match it with Anatomy. That’s how insane it is. I managed to come up with a relatively watertight plot and powerful emotions and catharsis and really funny wording for no goddamn reason at all. Well, I did take 2 modafinils in two days and I haven’t slept a wink since I woke up two days ago. I’m just so indescribably happy. I came up with something myself that is actually greater than what I ever produced in my whole life!!!!!! This is a sure sign I’m healing and on my way to fixing my trajectory!!!!!!!! WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF. I’m just so shocked at my own ability to work under pressure now. I should do this more often. Like WOW!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Epiphany at 10:45PM: I was right to fear killing my entire family when I entered that psilocybin trip. Any entity out there could have sensed my out of body experience and sensed that my body had less control or awareness of its own actions, but with the full fear of knowing exactly what I could potentially do if something took root inside me. I will never take shrooms again. Can’t risk it. Next story is OOB experiences. Minor (MAJOR???) error in my Clarion West sub, I put “Kyle” instead of Sam. Honest eye-glaze mistake. WOW. Ok. At least I noticed it now. Hope they won’t reject me because of it. January 15 - results!!! IN HONOR OF NOVEMBER 14 HOLIDAY AS CLOUD DAY, I have now concluded that I am dreaming while awake. It feels unreal. In a good way. In an ORGASMIC WAY. HOLY FUCKARONI. 62 days till CLARION RESULT!!!!! NOV 14 is the best thing that has ever happened to my life so far. It’s just what I need, confidence in my abilities, a renewed sense of my competence. My talent, no matter how it looks like now. It was ALSO FUCKING NICE TO FEEL LIKE THIS AND FINISH SOMETHING ON TIME, ALMOST NOT MAKING THE DEADLINE, AND REALIZING I HAD AN EXTRA HOUR. WTFFFFFFFFFFF. I GOT A BILLIONAIRE STATUS NOW IN A KARMA SENSE. Something is going to kill me or try to kill me before I publish this novel. _Scared_ _BRING IT ON_ BATTLECRY. Maybe I died yesterday and I’m on a karmic plane of some kind where all my dreams come true. HELLS YEAH. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX. I FELT LIKE DYING OF ECSTASY FOR A FEW HOURS AFTER I FINISHED. WTF. Added a new metric to my habit tracker. Effort. 1-100. I put 100 for the first time and felt such a rush of satisfaction. Checking habits off and tasks feels impossibly pleasurable and you should do it more often. ABBY KEEP THIS UP YOU ARE ON A ROLL. ALIGN ALL YOUR GOALS AND REWARD SO THAT IT’S CUMULATIVE. WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU’LL BE IN 1 YEAR?????? WAAAAAAW THE POSSIBILITIES. Maybe I’ll die before that happens. I’m ready, actually. This was the best day of my life and I don’t think I can ever top this unmatchable JOY!!!!!! LIGHTNING STRUCK ME A THOUSAND MILLION TIMES TODAY. ALL THE STARS ALIGNED TO CLENCH MY PUNY HEART AND CRUSH IT TO SMITHEREENS, ONLY TO REPLACE IT WITH A HYPERSPIRIT VERSION THAT HAS TRANSCENDED PHYSICAL REALITY. MY TASK IS TO REPLICATE THIS STATE. NADH. EXERCISE 5M BEFORE TASK AND REPEAT AGAIN AFTER A FEW MINUTES LIKE 30M. TWO DAYS STRAIGHT OF FULL ARMODA NOT SLEEPING IN BETWEEN DOSES. TWO DAYS OF EXTREME CREATIVITY AND HOPE AND LOVELY WORK THAT LOVES ITS OWN PURPOSE. BRUH. I need to take magnesium now to set it against the excitotoxicity that I’m probably encouraging. With no sleep. I should sleep now. BUT I CAN’T!!!! BYEEEEEE I NEED TO THINK LONG-TERM NOW. NOV 15: 12:39AM: OMG I”M FUCKING BAWLING RIGHT NOW. I NEVER REALIZED THAT QAHLUQULU SOUNDS LIKE KALUOY WHICH MEANS PITY IN BISAYA (DOUBLE FUCKAARONI), PITY WORSE THAN DEATH, OR MAYBE MERCY. MERCY ON QULU. !!!!!! MERCY ON QULU!!!!!! PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON QULU!!!!! FHWUFGWIODUGLIauwDGSUADLSIUGASLGDUASIULDGASUDGAILSUDG BASICALLY SECOND BOOK TELLS THE TRUTH. QAHLUQULU INTEGRATES WITH QULU SO THAT QAHLUQULU NO LONGER EXISTS, AND QULU HAS ABSORBED IT INTO ITSELF. IT IS FUCKING WRITING ITSELSF WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKARONI IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW I”M DEREALING. DEREALING. DEREALIZING. DERAILING MY DOOM. DWWMWOOWIDHOWIGOEWIYEOWIYEOIWYEO ANY SMART BISAYA READER CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED TO QAHLUQULU. FUCKARONI. WTF. FUCCCCCCCKCKKKKKKKKKKEKEEHKHDKHKHE. I DON”T UNDERSTAND HOW I CAME UP WITH BETLOG. IT WAS A REALLY “RANDOM” WORD WORM IN MY MIND THAT SURFACED JUST IN TIME FOR ME TO CATCH. WTF. I DON”T KNOW HOW TO REPLICATE THAT. SO SURREAL. I HOPE IT HAPPENS AGAIN. BUT I’M TRYING TO BE CONTENT WITH THIS ONE MIRACULOUS EVENT—AND QAHLUQULU/KALUOY—ESSENTIALLY A TRIPLE THREAT. Qahlu / Qulu sequel possibility, pity, and the triangular rebus puzzle. WTF. TRIANGLE WITHIN A TRIANGLE. I AM OFFICIALLY A PLOTTER NOW. WITH PANTSER DNA. WOW THERE. HOW DID YOU DO IT? IDK AT ALL. I’M JUST BASKING AT THE MYSTERY. AFTER READING MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS SYNOPSIS, A MOVIE I HAVE NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, BUT ONLY KNOW THE TITLE OF, IT’S EERIE TO ME HOW IT RESONATES TOO MUCH. LIKE, THE UNIVERSE’S JOKE TO ME NOW IS I AM NOT UNIQUE. I JUST RESONATED THE MoM IDEA INTO A CRAZY NEUROTRANSMITTER VERSION. AND THE LOGOCENTRISM WITHOUT KNOWING IT. AND THE ISNOTREAL. YEAH, NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME THAT I DID NOT CONSCIOUSLY PLAN THIS OUT IN ADVANCE. I SUSPECT IT’S THE MEDITATION I DID EARLIER AFTER NOT SLEEPING FOR A DAY, THEN EXERCISE IN BURSTS INSTEAD OF LONG. LIKE DR. STRANGE, I HAVE A SORT OF THIRD EYE NOW. ILLUMINATI TRIANGLES. WTFFFFFFFFFFF. NO OF FUCKING COURSE NOT I DID NOT KNOW AT ALL. I’M JUST HAPPY TO DO IT AND ALWAYS FEEL THIS AMAZEMENT. THE MYSTERY IS GOD.