# 30, Tuesday “I’m just engaging” instead of “performing” cognitive reframing AVOID DRINKING CAFFEINE AFTER 4PM so you will have deep sleep essential to memory. Creatine for memory — HIIT exercise. Do the scripts = money Piano for music circuits = increases cross-hemispheric connections Remember when you acted so out-of-character on April 12? You literally had zero anxiety. It’s like you were assured and then your amygdala stopped working. But it was also very emotional in a way. The fear disappeared. The desire to be attractive = more confidence and less ruminating about whether you’re repulsive or repelling people with your manner. Your fear of offending people = dulls ability to be playful and engaged and fun or exaggerate. Train AI to talk you through as a coach for fast thought micro-games and associative word-ends beginnings, debate about various topics, humor, social scripts, informal and formal logic. Find that infographic about levels of learning on iPad How could my dad just scan environment and find an immediate analogy? Muscovado. Clarity Berggruen. Get an uno in both CW200 and CW198. Nothing should motivate you more than the feeling of building something that will last. The progress of building something and seeing it grow and evolve is satisfying and gratifying. A niggling idea that is nagging at me, if we study bacteria, smaller conscious life forms, and other “lesser” intelligences, what makes us think that it isn’t also happening to us as the “apex” people of the planet? Weird occurrence in my recent past where I felt like an entity took advantage of my body like rape. Discover the hidden, be exceptional, be a maverick, be unique Weakness: not quite able to make deductions or implications. What does this imply? What are the consequences? Internalize all the advantages bequeathed to you now: heuristics, shortcuts, memorize them. # Progress Report to Build Momentum 1. Progressed yesterday and today about plot elements in Anatomy. 2. Recalled “eldritch horror” in less than 15 seconds. 3. I may only be sketching the plot out but boy I’m having fun doing it. 4. On the brighter side of your mess, you are _indeed_ using your planner consistently. 5. Asked GPT a lot of questions that I didn’t think to ask. 6. Got to halfway down page 4 on Clair De Lune. 7. For some fucking absurd reason my cactus comment now has 11k likes. That is probably the most amount of validation I’ve ever gotten by numbers alone. WTF. It makes you have a big head. I understand some people better now. ## Intentions/Thoughts 1. Rewatch Megan 2 and record yourself explaining to a friend what happened—versus explaining to GPT what happened. Brain scrambles under pressure without much threat compared to total threat with real people. 2. Backread journals and papers. Especially your antinet attempt. 3. Learn to crave the feeling of a challenge = whether you are on social media, memorizing things 4. Really ask yourself what it is that you remember the best? It is not really fun learning? Or is it? Is it unpleasant emotions? 5. Go on Reddit as a public figure. Comment on at least one post. 6. Learn to be more aware of your immediate reactions = you tend to bypass this for some reason. No language and thought, just pure emotion. Associate immediately. It is okay to have an opinion. You really have an opinion no matter how unformed or meager. 7. Transform, add, elaborate on knowledge or input. Expand, magnify, debate against it. 8. Get straight on identity. When your identity felt strong, you were able to mobilize and strategize, no matter how crudely, the right neurons towards _a_ direction. A clear method, no matter how buried or intuitive. There was a sense of identity, of belief, so strong and potent, that it locked everything in place in a chain reaction. Identity is particularly weak with you. Who are you? What do you believe in? What can you rely on to be stable? 9. Stop evaporating your memories. Spaced repetition. Or really any repetition. It reinforces them. It compounds. 10. Who what when where why questions. Not yes-no questions. Use those to sniff out context first. 11. Piggy back and daisy chain your obscure ideas into emotional hooks. 12. extrovert = fine being common? introvert = attitude that is fine being an outsider = unique, special. 13. Cognitive reframing = make sure other person derives value from you 14. Visualize your future like the ease and benefits you will get. Where your hope actually matches reality. 15. The concept of Miracle 12s. 1 miracle every month. 1 breakthrough every month. Of course that’s just the floor. 16. People who are bad at math = less likely to follow authority? 17. To truly understand someone, you do not use your own patterns, you do not use your own relations, you use their language, their relations, but inevitably those relations use other people’s relations too, which they have inherited from other people, those they absorbed and imbibed into their own being that they no longer recognize a boundary, it is so deep in their identity. 18. My guess is that early in life you had verbal infrastructure (look at Mom, dad, Ae Bebec Reader’s digest, Athena, Ate Eunice, law, less on math) that got heightened by mathematical training. 19. Deconstruction is inherently destructive = violence. 20. Avoid taking things as is: “And…” thinking, “So…?” 21. Math often feels inevitable. Like lyrical poetry. Like God. 22. My brain is going to adapt. I know it will. 23. If you are not solving direct practical problems, you are likely being expected to solve creatively those human problems. Boredom, ennui, a thirst for novelty. Interesting things. - funny, I predicted or anticipated this when before it was mentioned by guy talking about hooks on social media 24. Your goal is really to have fun again—to make writing introductions fun again, instead of dreading them. Write because you like to write. It seems to me you write these days, it’s to accomplish some goal or desire towards something that is concrete, like money or awards. Before it was sort of like breathing. It felt like relief. But now, you only feel that after you write, and not during. 25. You need to buy real butyrate. As in tributyrin. Serotonin. 100 million neurons. # TODO - [ ] - [x] Backread Notion + crystallize routine - [x] Really observe what your sister is doing = the unsaid, the subtle ways they say what they can’t say - [x] Figure out a routine = when to summarize films to a friend, when to practice piano, when to go deep on a stretch goal, when to talk at length or debate or improvise with AI. An improv day is Friday, a debate day is Monday, a summary day is Wednesday, a feelings day is Tuesday, a mentoring day is Thursday. - [x] Stretch goal, be good at chess, be excellent at Tagalog/Bisaya, and earn a PhD. A paid one. Goddammit I want more time. More time to consume and really get passionate about new media. # THOUGHTS --- Imagine what you’d be like if you had tropoflavin. It’s such a throwback to my younger years. I was making these exercise brain beads to track my growth with wire sculptures. I was talking about Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in ALL_GO that got me in this mess. Took six years to have so much clarity despite the damage. How can I dally? How can I stall? With all this injustice in the world? With all this AI infecting every aspect of infrastructure? Will I surrender? Will I come out reborn?