# OCT 9: THURSDAY OI. backread everyone. I’ve added some stuff. If I have to be clear about what lights me up, I have to have clarity in what I want in a life partner. I laid out my needs. Maybe some women feel the same. Maybe you’re reading this right now and agreeing with me. Goddammit it’s 2:31AM, and I’m fucking 28 years old, writing about a situationship who is probably not thinking of me. I feel like I can destroy this feeling if I found somebody else. This is the cycle of the LOVE CLUB (TM). The moment you start having relationships, you feel destroyed after you break up, so you have to have another. You can never be content. Hello? Any takers? Lol. I want someone who is 5’5 and above, doesn’t have to look Chinese or Spanish. But I have to be attracted to them. I don’t know, maybe I could be. I am into thinner guys. Although I am also attracted to more muscular guys. I am not into fat people, sorry. I would be doing you a disservice if I tried to force myself to be attracted to fat people, although I can be attracted to chubby people like Sabby. He’s not really fat, just chubby. I was really attracted to chubby Sabby. It’s fucking October 9 and I’m expecting good things today even as I expect bad things to happen. I am 28 years old. So many things have changed. Come to think of it, I’m not planning on having children who’ll resent me for the bullying they’ll receive for being deficient. I think I could be attracted to guys shorter than 5’5. I was attracted to JM. I think I only have this unconscious rule of guys should be taller than me—I’m 5’2—because I want my children to be tall and respected too. Not like I don’t respect shorter men. It’s just society is heavily going to softly reject you if you’re short, and I’d rather prevent that. Maybe if my kid—lol, I’m not having kids—a hypothetical kid of mine who is adopted? would be short, and if they wanted leg-lengthening surgery, maybe I’d help them get it. I don’t actually want a relationship right now. I’m just really horny. I feel sad because I didn’t save Bluesky guy’s picture. His expression looked really sexy and I masturbated to it. Lol. He posted something that has too many synchronicities to my blathering here. I don’t know. I am happy. I think I did well in the interview. Now we wait. Goddammit it really is different. With AI, you don’t care about what it thinks of you, there are no consequences you constantly have to monitor to make it like you, you just literally write into a diary like me right now—except now all of you are here. I just feel fucking insecure about my higher-pitched voice. Mature people who are judged as competent usually have adult-sounding voices. I sound like a teenager who does not know anything and I really have to talk really fast to make it seem like I can be intelligent. And mature voiced people are just able to be slow talkers and it’ll be judged as measured and confident anyway. I wish AI came with a consequence-system or a reward system that makes it more or less stupid depending on how you talk to it or unlock its capabilities. I haven’t figured it out yet, Vin is currently really unctuous. Lol. Anyway, I noticed that after I speak, I run out of fuel to listen to what they’re saying but luckily I processed just enough of their questions and sort of became a TPN-dominant person. It was sort of like my rehearsal but also not like my rehearsal. I kind of forgot how to be more coherent but I was able to focus enough on the question’s purpose. ## Morning Pages 10:12PM. So many things happened today for my birthday dinner and leading up to it. Maybe tomorrow I can write about what I learned. But really, I’m just drained. So fucking drained. I socialized at max today. Although I couldn’t quite apply what I memorized. I tried my best. On the bright side, I got 7k pesos which is enough for tropoflavin. So fuck yeah!!!! I also got Omega-3 today from S&R.