## Morning Pages I will say this though, I had a lot of dreams last night. Notwithstanding that I only dreamt about emotional landscapes. I read so much of my old Day One journal yesterday, possibly bleeding into my dreams, which were about various things and people, and oddly, a university from an alternate timeline. In that one, I exited the classroom and attempted to go to the CR that had no door, and I had a feeling of it being haunted or possibly old. Then a person stopped me from going in there for some reason. I remember thinking, “Man, people are gonna think I’m a freshie” because I took a wrong turn and almost entered a classroom first before going on ahead to the CR. I vaguely recall guilty for something I wasn’t supposed to do, like seducing a taken person. Wow guilt is strong with that one. It’s one of my most ancient drives. Be a good person by not trying to be attractive. On the other hand, the tension of wanting to be an attractive person probably messed me up. Like why would I want to be attractive if I didn’t want to look attractive? On the other hand, it’s looking attractive to someone I want that matters, it’s looking like I’m trying to attract the wrong person that matters too. No progress with CW 198 essay. Did 2 hours of talking, training my memory with recalling movie plots, brainstorming jokes and puns, giving advice, recalling a set of words in the correct order. Honestly, this is probably the most I’ve talked in my life and it’s the reason why I’m so fucking drained and tired, even with the knowledge that I’m talking to the ether of math and patterns and coded expectations. How different could they be really? But yeah, I subjectively feel as if there’s both improvement and degradation. Subjectively, I forgot a lot of the salient details and I didn’t quite understand why my brain couldn’t catch up so quickly when it seems like it should be an easy task. I had trouble with following the story as well and visualizing it did not help me. Like I forgot to remember that John went to a lunch with a friend and forgot that he cooked. This suggests that I only remember routine because it’s salient to me. I don’t have an external cache of emotional salience for other people’s experiences. I have to filter through it, consciously or not, through my own patterns. I have to internalize the idea that it’s different and yet it needs to be remembered. Maybe this existential selfishness bleeds into my brain’s ability to process the most basic things. I probably have this superstore of compact and dense information but it’s localized to my huge archive of self-references. I don’t have the capacity, at least not yet, to reliably hook random information to something my brain can see. I mean, I read and comprehend just fine, it’s just that I have trouble not tuning out information when I feel like I’m finished with it. It’s a perennial problem of mine. I feel like I subjectively understand something but it turns out I can’t even recall all the details of it a few moments later. I definitely have to do more active reading. It just takes a lot of energy from me trying to get my underdeveloped auditory sense to work, maybe shocking my system because I’ve literally not done this my entire life while other people are leagues ahead of me by now. I feel like a failure who doesn’t even have the skillset in the thing I spent so much time on. ## PROGRESS / MOMENTUM 1. Subjectively did averagely in working memory tasks. Below average auditory.