### **Morning Pages** Man I was really insane yesterday. I wasted a full hour. FUCK. I ended up asleep the whole night and woke up with 2 blood clots on my mouth. It’s October 30, and I have not done my research proposal. I will get it done today if it’s the last thing I do. I can’t believe this has to be harder than it actually is because I have no self-control. Here’s to less vegging out next month. And to accomplishing my long-term goals. And to reaching November with some sense of accomplishment. Romeo Forbes. I can subjectively feel myself living out the bipolar expression of my genes. I am not feeling so well today although there is nothing physically wrong with me. I am paralyzed yet I am so wired. It’s just such a weird way to be. Wow I started October so strong and ended with a whimper. Shame. But also, here’s to improvement. I have to do this. I have to resist pleasure. My body is screaming at me to just give up and give in. I have to gaslight myself to like the pain of work. It is the only way to progress. 12:24PM took 10m to meditate. Now it’s time to power through 30m of exercise. Don’t you want to be finishing things again? Where did my early October go? I just need to earn my dopamine. I don’t need to listen to music or become horny. 1:05PM: Exhausted mentally. Cannot get myself to power through 1 minute of exercise. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA I realize I can realistically expect Romeo Forbes results in December, judging by the 39th round. I live in a VR delusion where I’m experiencing what is virtually real but isn’t really. As in I have a foot tucked in the portal and my other foot is stuck in the real world. That’s why it’s hollow. If I do not do anything, nothing will happen. If I don’t pursue my goals, absolutely nothing will cause my life to move upwards. Nothing comes from nothing. Maybe I really do have mania. I really am in denial that I have mania. One symptom of mania is volubility, horniness and hypersexuality, and that subjective non-lucid experience. I am always so nervous when I enter that headspace because I know I am not 100% lucid. Or maybe it’s just a medium-sized fear. It’s like being in a dream-like drunk state only you’re awake and people assume you are normal or fine. I fucking hate that I can’t be 100% lucid. It just makes me distrust myself and my judgment. You know what? I think I realized this a few days ago, I never put the “cutie” dreams in a half-joking way to list down my dreams. I wasn’t seriously trying to summon anything. Or maybe was I? I don’t know. I saw everybody using it ever since Maine Mendoza started it. And I never wrote Garden Party Collective poetry contest, but I still won. I didn’t even think I had a chance to win, so that’s why I didn’t list it down, or maybe I forgot about it because I really thought it was hopeless and just joined on a lark not expecting anything because I thought my poem wasn’t that good because it didn’t win Maningning Miclat. And now I won and they’re saying it stood out from the other submissions? Strange. No matter what I do I can’t start on my work. I can’t buy Concerta yet because apparently my mom needs to present an S2 license or something because I learned it’s a “meth” drug that is addictive. If I bully and shame myself into working then where will that lead? High school me was just so single-mindedly conscientious and I can’t exactly remember why I was able to do that. It was an identity thing I guess. Well well well, it’s actually LORD and not GOD??? Brain failure. There is literally nothing appealing about reading the private diaries of some autistic Filipino. I can’t even get people to be interested in real life about neurodivergence. So why am I so willing to be delusional and think a person who is so busy and important is reading me? It’s called erotomania. Clerambault’s syndrome. Unless what I suspect is true. That they actually are perverts too. They like reading drama no one is “supposed” to know about. I don’t get the appeal, and I am writing here functionally half-believing that I am being watched. What got me here was 2019. Why would anybody be interested in reading me since then? School drama? And no one I know has talked about it. No one on the internet is becoming a whistleblower. No one is literally reading me. I am just really delusional. That I think there’s another coincidence just because he said BTW and used checkboxes? Peak delusion. And I don’t think it’s Clerembault’s anyway. I don’t expect him to even like me, much less be infatuated with me. Unless there’s really something wrong. As in there had to be multiple chains of gossip for it to have reached someone that important even though it’s small-time drama. My logic just tells me it’s impossible. And yet I just can’t help wondering at the synchronicity. Maybe I just like the idea of being marginally interesting or entertaining to someone important. It’s me. It’s my desire to be compelling being reinforced by being published by Clarkesworld. I literally can’t turn off this compulsion and it’s just going to subclinically affect me every time I notice a synchronization that’s too fast and heavy. Like I only wrote it yesterday I think. I wouldn’t be that interested in a beautiful person’s diary and read it every day. No one reads a blog every day. I just have to defeat this logic with cold logic. It’s that if no one is interested in real life, no one is probably interested in reading me at all. Hello? Give me a sure sign? If you are reading me? You know some people want me to die, I think. Maybe you could nudge that by fulfilling the antagonist role. I sometimes think the subclinical or moderately heavy signs are people wanting to off me but still exist in plausible deniability. Maybe, just maybe, I really do seem to be evil and insufferable. Why do I have to feel all these synchronicities? Am I entertaining people by being ironic? People just watching me go insane over my own suspicions and paranoid thoughts? --- October 30 Checked my word count, it’s 85k??????? WTF. I wrote an entire novel’s worth of blathering? I know there’s no way Bluesky guy is reading me. How do I know this? Almost none of his posts give me gateways. What’s the difference? **Symptoms** - A firm, delusional belief that someone of higher social status is in love with them.—LOL NO. I don’t think that. But every time it happens I just end up thinking, OMG what did I write that was so compelling? - Misinterpreting ordinary events or media appearances as secret communications of love.—It’s not exactly love, just weird feeling of being recognized. - Persistent attempts to make contact, which can include stalking and compulsive communication.—No, I don’t make contact. Unless what I am writing in here can be mistaken for trying to talk back? - Emotional dependence on the delusion.—I think I do have some kind of attachment. It’s just me being lonely and craving for any form of attention. I cling to the idea because I just really want someone to notice me. - Inability to accept evidence that contradicts the belief.—I have not received evidence yet that it isn’t happening. It’s oddly like people who believe in God. True until proven otherwise. Which is, how exactly can you? 10:58PM: Got moved to the second stage of the hiring process for a job. — October 31 8:47PM: In Balingasag to honor the dead.