### **Morning Pages** Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. If only I felt that way every day. Sunrises everywhere and billowing. In the poem, in my life. On another note, I’m extremely sad about my past attempts at Google Calendar. Deleted some extra-religious things like Bible reading, Hallow app, etc. I really lost my religion. ![[Google Calendar.webp]] I have a 7:30AM class with Clarion West!!! Excited!!! It’s 4:26AM and I’m kind of sleepy. Goal-setting is tiring. But I found some hope! They offer scholarships for displaced and low-income students!!! Such a boon if I could get it. I also hope my wins keep snowballing because I informed Strange Horizons and Eye to the Telescope editors to withdraw it and they now know I’m a winner! Sad I didn’t specify the contest, but it lends a mystery. They could always google it. Felt myself lose concentration with Clarion West class. Confused about what to do exactly, forgot context of story structure and just started on the first part of the story while everyone was working on quick plot according to the 3 structuring concepts. I really didn’t get this instruction from auditory sense. Maybe I zoned out or something. Leaning into Hitler impression. Potential Suicide Bomber. I didn’t and couldn’t predict other people killing themselves(?) if they read what I write. Boy, don’t be dumb!!! I am ONE person, ONE writer. Whatever I say is not going to affect someone that badly. I think I’m careful, or at least this is what I think. If it’s too bleak maybe no one will like it. There!!! I am selling my expertise for sentimental hope like in Little Women, knowing full well I will never get married to anyone. Maybe Amy will find peace and the world is all the more violent and bleak because of what happened to her. So sue me if that’s a consequence that I will argue about. What possible reality is there now? And I have to get straight on what I really want. So it’s always been a concern of mine. You give people, including yourself, some amount of grace, like I would ignore natural human responses because I know they couldn’t help it if they tried. Same with people who weirdly enjoy destructive depictions in fiction. I think I need to research more heavily about this. No one wants to say how “porn” or “violent depictions” are virtually training people to seek it out, and life is not a vacuum where that doesn’t have an effect or some causal link no matter how buried or how opaque the connection. Those copycat killers use other violence as inspiration? I think. Virtual representations aren’t enough for some, they literally want it to be real because it works in fiction. Where else could I find this effect but in pornsexual society? Beauty standard is soft porn and sensuality because porn has inflated the threshold beyond normal levels. I always had a sneaking suspicion that that documentary “Walang Rape sa Bontoc” is because they have no superstimulus. They haven’t seen extreme alien heaven. Their women are passable and ordinary and nakedness is socially not taboo to them. I guess why it has some weird fucked effect in modern life. Where was I going with this? I guess I am too selfish. I just want it to exist so that other girls like me feel validated. Maybe I shouldn’t make it so hopeless by really ramping up the Perfect Guy (TM) glurge (as if I disrespect it, lol, when I am a sucker for glurge). Maybe an alternative reality that is out of reach because of her current one, but even though it’s a bad ending for Amy, it’s going to be realistic and emotionally honest. I wish I didn’t care about how sellable my novel is. I wish I could do a really bad ending so I piss everyone off. Like with Chaos. I suppose bleakpunk isn’t a genre because hopepunk is cool in Uncanny. No one wants to read uncomfortable truth in fiction. I have to keep that in mind. I have to deal with people craving drama by exaggerating at times and understating sometimes. Maybe I can create something new. Maybe. There is nothing special about Bluesky guy’s expression. I am only attracted to his “mean” look. Like masungit and frowning. Weirdly his eyebrows were frowning but the way he was gazing makes his eyes look like how they’d look when you are starved and yearning for release. I suppose I wasn’t supposed to see how that would look like. His normal picture (masungit picture was a cover) as his profile was just smiling and so innocent. Do with that what you will. Funny, if guys who were already attractive to me were a little more edgy or a little asshole-ish, I become much more attracted to them. That’s unfortunate. It doesn’t work for less attractive people. It really is a—I’m forgetting the concept or word at the moment—but it’s how I would describe my “talent” in writing, if I still have it. I had a natural advantage that got encouraged through reinforcement, no matter what it was. It seems as if being a little asshole-ish is just going to amplify whatever is there already. I still have no idea why his pictures are all grayed out. Even if I log out. So it’s not just me. Whatever personal picture is shared, it’s just blank. Maybe this is a sign of my reality breaking. Other blacksky users have no problem like this. Maybe I really have crossed into fantastical universe territory. Only I ignore it for my own sanity, or maybe I just have poor memory for emotional trauma now. 5:00PM: Attending a free UPD Philosophy of Physics Lecture by James Read (LOL): I am gonna need all the help I can get. Aftermath of physics lecture: wow I’m not even scratching the surface. I am so vapid and ignorant compared to what I want to be. And I never knew physics people could be so eloquent and agile and fast-talkers. Dreams. It’s like they breathe analogy. Everything has been opened to my mind now and I’ve never been so sure of a decision I can see myself committing to even when it inevitably gets difficult. I keep backreading when I’m positively sure I’m being read. Wow my memory is off. It’s U.N.C.L.E. and Usher. Two mistakes? See where I got all in a tizzy? Vico made two mistakes in his post about 43 years contractual worker. It could be coincidence or just carelessness. But it was corrected on Facebook—only one of them. I am getting pulled into gravity that I honestly can’t stop. It kept intruding when I was trying to comprehend philosophy of physics lecture. I will really lay off stalking him. It is not doing me any good to be consumed by signals that could all amount to nothing even if I really feel that there is a signal. I feel like Ivan Panin every—almost every day. It’s just me slotting all of these coincidences and they are so overloading my system. Nothing—absolutely none of my goals will happen in real life if I keep this up. This should scare me, but I’m being pleasured against my will. The dissonance and the eroticism are so addicting. It’s exactly like a showerhead orgasm. It’s just so direct and it hits the specific nerve I couldn’t hit on my own with the frequency that the forcible stream hits. Maybe this is why I’ve been relatively unproductive and fell off the wagon for 4th week of October. I need to be accountable. I need to sleep so bad and snap me out of this trance that I feel is very bad for me but I’m hopelessly being encouraged to just “goon” or so they say. Maybe it’s because I haven’t masturbated in a while. Even though I’ve been really horny. I’m just savoring the feeling of being intensely horny and don’t want to release it. Maybe there’s sense in masturbating just to get it out of the day so I’m less prone to fantasizing and distraction. Maybe I’m grasping at smoke. Maui Wowie song is stuck in my head. Maui Taylor? Squint and she’s like an Ally type. Bobs and vagene. It is literally so impossible if I think about it. Nothing is this designed. Unless it’s what I really think it is: a group effort. 43. 2019. “Your daughter is sleeping with my husband” electro house hit “Satisfaction.” Drugs. They are reading my acad papers now? I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s 9:00PM. BYE. I am going to sleep for 2 hours because I only had 2 hours of sleep and that’s why I was flagging so much earlier in Physics + Philosophy. There really is a bottomless amount of signifiers and chains. Songs igniting phrases igniting bombs and masochism. It’s painful but it’s what makes it so irrationally erotic and irresistible. The idea that Vico Sotto wants to see a clearer version of the clip of Willie and his dancers = again, I’m just literally describing the mechanics and how it affects me. It doesn’t upset me so much because it’s in that sweet spot of I don’t love him and I’m just eroticizing everything he does even though he appears to be lovable and perfect. The idea that he’s like a zombiefied guy who is also horny is weirdly erotic. Fuck. If this is all by design, I am speechless. If it was an accident, then whatever, man. Are they trying to make me sad? I hate double standards as much as the next person. If Jeffrey was a little less kinder to me I would have not fallen in misery and longing over him and been just really horny because he’s my type. It’s 9:16PM. I keep writing about base instincts and I have no time to study and improve. I am being stretched to no limit. But it’s like me moaning “stop” because I’m expressing just how much pleasure I’m under. How weak I really am. How I’m eroticizing my loss in a fucked up cuckquean way because I’m really fucking perverted now. BTW, the first signal you noticed was “casual” and “benefits” in close proximity. I suppose it’s just me mentioning all my drugs on here even though the only drug I’ve tripped on was mushrooms and not weed, but why would I assume he knows what Maui Wowie is? And it got nudged by “overrun with weeds” memory and 2019. I keep looking at his 3 posts and it’s all impossible. It could all mean nothing. But it’s like, I realize I’ve never seen him alluding to Viva Hot Babes or sexy dancers. Maybe this is what made me addicted to Mike in 2018. The idea that this attractive person is a hot pervert too. God I’m pathetic. I really hate what I’m feeling. I of all people know that pleasure is not supposed to dictate how a thing’s good is supposed to be valued. Why is Vico trying so hard—well, he is already good at it, who says he is trying? He’s always on social media being funny and relatable and charming and yet he’s magically busy too. I mean, does he just have more time and management skills? Faster brain cell connections? I really thought twice about writing about it. Some part of me is reckless today. It would be better if they didn’t know how 3 posts affected me. At least he is using his appeal for the good of society. Few people can really know what to do with that kind of power. I notice if I sleep less, I am more horny. Mania is connected to your sex drive. What about it? Thank God I’m not a gambler of money. I find it so devastating that I could theoretically be a gambling addict. I have buttons I am encouraged to push and are being unconsciously pushed like a rat in a heroin experiment. This is exactly the part of you that’s trying to speak sense, that is so needed at this crucial juncture. You will fail everything if you do not lay off him. This is what happened in 2018. At least I’m not crying about it. I remember being slightly sad or moderately sad or disappointed. 9:35PM and the minutes tick by with me just trying my everloving fucking best to process this extremity. I am 100% right about it, I emotionally know it. But I also know that I built this myself. People could be so random and unlucky to be hitting all of my secret language references that they would have no clue I am sweeping them up in my own narrative that is fantastical and unrealistic. Just because he said “Oy” does not mean anything. Like I know that doesn’t mean anything. But he could have said “Hoy” or “Uy.” Maybe “Hoy” is too harsh and “Uy” is too nice. But why “Oy?” Goddammit violentpns and im. n and o. NO. I’m violent? Tira? Me blathering about being fucked so hard even though I’m a virgin. I’m technically not a virgin though. I know how to finger myself. I come so easily from my own hand it sometimes takes less than 10 seconds, like a guy. It’s probably because I’m trained in piano and my hand muscles are so strong. I can probably give a guy a death grip only I don’t have soft hands. It’d be like a gay dude in a girl’s body were to fuck him until his brains fall out. I need to stop talking about sex for a while. I need to concentrate on my trauma-based research proposal that has sex in it. How the fuck? Am I really so horny that my main concern is how not to be so tigang while I’m in the midst of impossible demon guy ruining my chances to pair bond with a normal guy I can be realistically in a relationship with? 9:46PM. ????