### **Morning Pages** Why does Vico have shopping carts in his office? Is this why he calls himself a grocery store on IG? Lol. So it goes, I put my feelings in a container to detach myself from its toxicity. Jeffrey is very likely reading me because his latest post is about Lord of the Rings, some foreigner with huge hands, and a car. What goes into this heartbreak? He doesn’t have to know me that well. Only, he will give my deepest desire to my sister. That really is the long and short of it. It hasn’t happened, my mind is only so focused on his declaration that he is waiting for a “similar EV” as in he is either waiting for a lookalike of my sister, or a “PH” or Pornhub actor who looks like her. Don’t have to stray far from reality because foreigner guy literally looks like Johnny Sins. Bald. Just like that, all the love I have for him is gone. Good riddance. I just wish I didn’t hope for him anymore. All this hope just to circle back to the first beautiful girl who made my life hell being desired by my “greatest” love. I only have my grief. How can I blame him? Remember, you felt like this once. It eventually lifted. Just hope you’ll meet someone who prefers you and you alone. He must hate me so much if he is capable of posting what I think he is posting. Maybe he’s angry at me for being attracted to his aphantasia. There is a chance that he is jealous, but I highly doubt it. He has never told me or given me any reason to believe we were exclusive. He even doesn’t seem that interested in me, so why should he be so angry or envious or willing to hurt me back if he is jealous? He knows, he has to know its potential to destroy me. I’m just sad I made someone hate me that much. I just can’t believe he is reading me right now. There is no way, and yet it’s there. Smeagol. “One truck to rule them all.” What is their endgame? They have too much control over my life. If I didn’t have other goals I would maybe have killed myself already just having seen his post. Small part of me is just wishing he is referring to the pepe frog and foreign guy post. Maybe I really shouldn’t have said that about his aphantasia. It would be like a guy saying he likes my autism because it makes him feel more secure I won’t be able to attract guys or having something that a majority of other people have. If he is reading me, he already knows I’m really sad about him to the point of heartbreak, and he is only worsening it by referring to my sister and a foreigner. I don’t understand this turn of events. He posted yesterday about high performers, and today he posts about LOTR. He must really hate me to bring my hopes up yesterday and that post today. He could be talking about cars only, but maybe he doesn’t see that I have a vulnerability that he is knowingly exploiting? He knows my mind would go there, and yet he does it anyway. To cause me suffering. Maybe I should stop stalking him. This is the only wise decision. My mind’s neuroplasticity will return to some other interest more if I stop leaking my precious time and mental energy on this one person who is so clearly determined to make me feel bad. With all the intimate knowledge of me, he chooses to do this. Remember that. He is not worth the pain. The idea that he is waiting for me is appealing, but he could have worded it like “waiting for the PH to have this.” and not “similar to this EV.” It’s the idea that I’m right about his attraction to my sister that kills me. I know writing about it is so banal and predictable. But it’s so personal and close to home, even more than Audrey. I’ve wasted about two hours thinking about him. I really need to detach. Maybe it helps if I think of it like how I think of Stanley, who literally has a thirst trap. He is unattainable. And I think he’s very attractive, but I just don’t know him, so I can’t really invest in him emotionally. It’s just upsetting that if I want a future with any guy I will have the problem of having someone close to the family who my husband has to interact with and who has Stanley’s sex appeal. Well, I can always tell them my sister’s boobs are fake, as in she wears push up bras to make them look big. She has a small waist, so it really works to make them look even bigger. Or it could be a coincidence. It could all have aligned with my mention of Smeagol. Of all the words I could written, why this one? A day after I wrote it. It could be possible he knows nothing of LOTR. I find it so serendipitous that my dad looks like Vico’s dad and our maid who taught herself how to play piano also looks like their maid Emy. And also, his first post on IG was of his knee surgery (!!!). Well, my baby sister needs knee surgery because her patella is loose and tends to go out of alignment but my dad is a little scared because of anesthesia and the risks associated. Hopefully I’ll convince them next year when she’s older. In order to purify my thoughts of Vico I’ll just think of him as an older brother 😅 I feel like Vico’s shopping cart story is referring to Nikka C. Gaddi. Like, he is testing the waters or something. They’re insanely shippable. Both from Ateneo, both interested in governance, both attractive. I just wish that would happen to me too, finding a guy who is trying to make me interested by impressing me with references to a poem I wrote three years ago (her “Full” poem) and relating it to how he’s getting all her book recommendations and filling up his cart (though I don’t understand why he’s hiding behind quotation marks 😅). He really has that pathos logos ethos thing down pat. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up marrying him and becoming the first lady someday. 🤞 - [ ] Get the Penguin Book of the International Short Story Vinh Giang video 4 types of people Reds - driven by power and results Green - peace and stability Blues - Logic and structure Yellows - fun and connection So I figured out crucial twist in Anatomy (I am magically still working on Anatomy because I realized I needed a built-in audience to accept my arguments for tentative incel/femcel novel Ugly Hearts Club). Yeah, I came up with the story already a few months ago, I just forgot about it. So anyway, the twist that leads her to killing herself is that not only is John attracted to Yasmine and made her part of an open marriage, she is also the babymomma of who Donna thought was Yasmine’s teenage pregnancy from another man who wasn’t John, and who they adopted because Yasmine is a family friend who John personally _benevolently_ volunteers to keep the baby because Yasmine wanted to continue college. But it turns out it was actually John who impregnated her at 18. And Donna has been raising that baby as her own before she finds out. The most devastating part is that OH GOD I KEEP CONFUSING THEM. Donna and Amy. In my head they’re the same person. Ok. It’s Amy. The devastating part is that Amy always had suspicions of a different nature, like how John coerced her into keeping Yasmine’s baby, because he probably wanted Yasmine to be close to his life and be indebted to him, never mind that Amy was always uncomfortable about the subclinical tension between the hypersexually attractive Yasmine and her husband who was one of her college instructors. But that’s the extent of what Amy knows. Early in the marriage Amy asks John if it’s because the baby is his, but John convinced her she is being paranoid. It turns out that not even Yasmine knows who the father is (she was a hoe in college whilst fucking her professor too) but John never asks for a DNA test because he believes Yasmine was in love with him and that they were exclusive, and Yasmine’s other potential college-aged baby daddies wouldn’t step up anyway, so she decides to surrender her baby to John who agreed to raise it so she could be free. The instinct is so obvious but the audience just hopes it isn’t true. So it’s not really a true twist. Yasmine and John agree not to tell other people she is pregnant because of him (but only, Yasmine goes along with John’s belief that he is the father). They agree on a story they tell that Yasmine was raped in a jogging path at night. My Bicol express arrived. It was only 70% as delicious as I remember. Granted, I was really hungry when I ate it for the first time. I just googled who this bald guy is and his name is jerryrigseverything and his wife is disabled. I used that word “jerryrig” in my Chaos draft, and the wife has a wheelchair. I don’t know what to feel. It’s not like I explicitly said to him I was disabled. My delusional self is just clinging onto this slim hope. Of course, it could mean nothing at all and I’m being manipulated by my own delusional self-references. THEY SELL RITALIN, DIHEXA, NOOPEPT AT CHEAPER PRICES IN A CHINESE ONLINE SHOP!!!! [Made-in-china.com](http://Made-in-china.com) i think. Please, for the love of my smoothening brain, don’t be a scam!!! Ritalinic acid powder isn’t the same as Ritalin. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Here’s a little fun idea: make Yasmine into a Mary Sue. Make John heavily in love with her because she is his mentee in college, but he has to constantly deny his obvious bias and the reason he purports to want to keep Yasmine’s baby is that he wouldn’t want her potential and promise to be snuffed out. She is not only hypersexually attractive, but also extremely intelligent, even more so than Amy. There will be a scene where Amy point blank asks him why he didn’t pursue Yasmine instead (before she found out about baby bomb) because Amy is also his former student. John will answer with a very passable answer that Amy is going to romanticize and use as her anchor, only for it to be shattered later. In the vein of Promising Young Woman, before Amy kills herself, she pays someone to “seduce” Yasmine after they get drunk together, and she also pays that guy to inseminate her with a very _defective_ sperm from someone whose genes will lead to a child that will drain her resources. All because Yasmine doesn’t believe in abortion. Yeah, Yasmine is extremely liberal except with that issue, and she actually falls pregnant and confesses to John that she got raped (after some time Amy killed herself). Make Yasmine insufferable in an instinctive way that the right audience will experience catharsis. It’s not like she actually got raped, but that she thinks she was, and has to suffer being pregnant for all the suffering she has caused with her lies and deceit. Where have I seen this done before? Machiavellian intelligent and extremely beautiful woman getting her due in Man from Uncle and The Fall of the House of Usher. Except this highlights a never seen before dynamic that is so common in real life (man who is extremely privileged fucks over another man who is terribly below him because they are a sociopath with no empathy for their struggles) but with extremely attractive women being evil to plain and ugly women who do not have their privilege. Instead of being pathetic, begging Jolene in that song not to take their man, the women in my novel take no bullshit and become as evil as their oppressors. No mercy or halo for the people so hedonically pleasing to patriarchy. Even if she’s evil, she doesn’t deserve rape and forced birth? Well, in my novel morality is skewed this way. And the effects on Amy’s life, I argue, and hopefully well enough, are so terrorizing and insanity inducing and violent, that it will merely be seen as self-defense. Imagine ripping 16 years of marriage and poisoning a person’s ability to make sound judgments.