### **Morning Pages** Dreamt about Gelo Llamas, Jennifer Lawrence, woke up crying because of a literary passage that got formed within the dream but it’s not even that great when I woke up. Missed EduQuest deadline even though they gave me 2 hours. I am a different person when sleepy. I don’t want this job for the long-term. It’s not going to help my career. But I need the money and I can only hope they give me more grace. Something not right is happening to me these past few days. I keep oversleeping. I keep procrastinating. Nothing is making me happy. I keep being pulled into the most shallow bullshit, like my online presence. I am so impatient. Oh, and I got rejected from Clarkesworld. Oh well. Just came across an infographic on LinkedIn of all places, about neurodivergent women’s hormone cycles. Apparently, you need estrogen for dopamine to work properly, and I already have a deficit. Estrogen drops before periods start, so that explains why I’m always tired and can’t be bothered to do work. That said, I’m jeopardizing my future if I do not work around this. At this rate, I will never get any of my wishlist tasks done. I need to do more. But every cell in my body is screaming to eat mozzarella sticks. That’ll be my reward once I get my research proposal done and my EduQuest attempt. Then I’ll watch a movie. Hopefully Prof. Kwe responds to me. It’s almost November and I have done nothing for CW 200. I just have this giant itch for something. Something nothing seems to be fulfilling. Jeffrey updated, which is just synchronous with the fact that Bluesky guy now identifies as part of the “blacksky” group. And I have no idea why his photos have disappeared, as in all grayed out. Maybe they are reading me. And even Falgui updated, greeting his nephew(?) a happy birthday even though he hasn’t done that for any of his birthdays. Well, maybe he’s recommending him, but I’m not interested in him and don’t find him attractive even though he could theoretically be a younger version. Maybe he’s trying to tell me something. Like I’d still prefer the older one (Audrey) even if the younger one is considered more attractive (which I’m not, actually). Maybe he’s not talking to me at all. I just have this giant itch, like I said, to have someone talk to me. I am so—not exactly lonely—but I’m just so empty. I need something, like perhaps winning those contests. I just need money, I think. I need money to buy stuff that will hopefully help me long-term. Like I want to buy this massage machine because I need to be touched and the serotonin will probably fix me. Maybe this is why Jeffrey likes fucking. And body grinding. Just feeling another human and having them touch you is addicting that nothing can compare. Of course, I’ve only fantasized about this, what would the real thing be like? I just hate that I have to jump through hoops and prove myself to be worthy of human touch first. Because I have such high standards for someone who hasn’t accomplished much. I want to be touched so badly. And held. And treasured. Probably why I went insane seeing Mike hugging Audrey in that picture. She probably has such high standards given she didn’t stay with him even after he tried to be a Baptist. I’ll remember being in October somehow, and I’ll remember that I wanted this part of my life to be over. I just want to get to the part where I’m done with school. I’m perpetually stuck and feel so useless. And incompetent. But what good use could I even do now, with AI mimicking competence? How could I possibly make sure I survive the end of society? I really thought I’d get at least second round with my A Steady Altitude story. Maybe that’s one factor into why I feel sort of bad today. Expectations really set you up for unhappiness. Third week of October is looking bleak. As in, my amount of tasks done is steadily dropping. I feel like it’s my fault he’s become a workaholic. He doesn’t post much about anything other than his job. What have I done? I always thought he didn’t and couldn’t do day jobs. Maybe that’s why he’s always posting about his job. I think I told him I missed him. Bad idea. But it’s true. I miss him so bad. I applied to so many jobs today. Just please let me hear back!!! One notif, one email, AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! I just need something. Our ref broke. Just one contingency I didn’t plan on happening. Now I gotta walk down to our Hub every time I want to eat one of my ulam-in-a-jar. So far, there hasn’t been any English short story or English children’s story awardees announcing their Palanca letter yet on social media. Hope is alive!!! I hope it’s me!!! I have 6 slots. 1st, 2nd, 3rd for both categories. Please let it be me!!!! Oddly, they sent out the letters on Sunday. I just have to hope they haven’t made up their mind yet. Managed to finish the EduQuest task in the nick of time, but I still wasted my whole afternoon after 3PM obsessively checking my email. Hoping they drafted those letters on 19th but haven’t sent them out yet for some odd reason, like, I don’t know, one person winning two categories? I can only hope so much before it starts breaking my heart. How come I never heard any of the winners from poetry, short story, and short story for children? Not even the plays. Surely at least one of them would have received the email by now and announced it on Facebook. There’s this one person who had a misunderstanding that led him to finding out two weeks later, and he won two categories. Think of the benefits of winning at least 18,000 pesos…and the media coverage, possibly being mentioned by Rappler, being mentioned by CAL FB page, opening doors to judging and talks opportunities, maybe even a job offer. I just wish they would surface, the winners, I mean. It’s so hard to be suspended in time like a live wire.