### **Morning Pages** Welp. Missed the EduQuest deadline (asked for an extension, pls!!) and the CW 198 consult because I woke up exactly 5 minutes after 1:15PM, and I thought, well, 15m can be condensed in an email and also I literally had no preparation. Where did all my time go? And now I have less than 5 hours to edit the script for disaster niche. I asked for all of these problems. I am very thankful I have these problems. Instead, I stayed up all night for 2 hours more trying to perfect my AI-generated graduation picture. You know, for motivation purposes. Fuck. At least Kim from Upwork responded to me and agreed to be my reference. But it’s too late now for Adina Talve-Goodman, maybe next year she can also be my reference. But for now, it’s just Brink Literacy Project publishing internship before December 15. Please!! Also, I strangely got a musician job offer on Upwork, but it’s not even up to my skills. Lol. My Gorillamind preworkout arrived and it is huge!! It also tastes worse than my previous one, but at least it doesn’t leave me with pinpricks and tingles that itch so bad. I was so hungry last night, I ordered ulam-in-a-jar food like Josefina’s bicol express, laing, and ginataang santol, and kinunot na manok. It’s probably the uridine, since I heard it increases appetite. 2 weeks left until Romeo Forbes announcement!! I have been trying to close this loop since late July!!! If not, I hope it’ll win PBBY-Salanga!!! I am also stuck at 8th in the Clarkesworld queue. I wonder what’s going on there. It’s been 8 days. Reminder to tell Ma’am Marby you’ll pass by 19th. Also, floss and tissue. HOW THE FUCK DID I DO IT!! HOW WAS I ABLE TO MAKE A GOOD LITERATURE REVIEW??? IMPOSTOR SYNDROME KICKING ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW. WTF. ALL THESE MICRO-DECISIONS. HOW??? HOW CAN I REPLICATE IT AGAIN?? Well, at least you have a model paper of your own that you actually created. I am so impatient. I want to stuff myself with Josefina’s Bicol Express and savor the mild spicy milky sauce. There’s just no words to describe food. I can try milky cream. I can say it’s delectably spicy. I can say its sauce is just hitting that spot. But I really can’t encapsulate it with words so that I can reliably “taste” it again if I read the words. Not like emotional events. Food is just not made of words or discourse or psychology. It’s just so material like body features. But nobody told me this food tastes good, iirc. Nobody paid me to like this food. Nobody also bullied me to like this food. Although I can trace my love for Bicol Express to fondly recalling manic cloud nine days in 2019, zooming my way through circuitous Katipunan traffic and buying Bicol Express from Ministop near Berkeley. Good old days where I was able to have fun with writing instead of seeing it as a means to an end. Goddammit. It’s still words, somehow. Stumbled upon the finalist of Maningning Miclat contest in my friend suggestions. Slight twinge of envy. She is mentioned in Rappler. She is only 19 or 18. Wow, if I was wading through bullshit at that age, trying to join contests like Seat14C and that UP Love Story that never made it past development hell. 1:40AM. Just vibing to music. Just waiting it out. Waiting something out. I took a quarter armodafinil earlier. I really think I didn’t have depression in 2017. I just had autistic burnout and was feeling very rootless and meaningless because I wasn’t getting social validation anywhere. I didn’t realize it was a huge burden at the time, because I’d absorbed some amount of validation in high school through awards I was able to earn and work towards. And I was also surrounded by some amount of people I could talk to or who talked to me first. Nobody did that for me in 2017. And naturally I started taking nootropics at this point, buying them from dubious online shops that delivered through meetups instead of Shopee. It enhanced my creativity but also my delusions. I dreamt about a square box bag. Like in Tall Girl. I saw that movie in 2022. Rewatched it even. What is it about bags? I was shopping for bags on Shopee, maybe that’s why.