### **Morning Pages** 3:36AM. Well, it doesn’t matter what they intended. From now on, I am only taking everything as food for thought. Like for Anatomy, the thing that causes her to unalive herself? What she thought was their language and her past being used to develop another relationship and being developed by people she hates. It’s so basic, Gone Girl, maybe my “space opera” story. I suppose, well, it’s not the same. Mine’s even worse. I will make it worse in the novel because it doesne’t seem compelling enough to an outsider who is already used to all these banalities. The only thing that’s helping me feel better is I’m moderately persuasive? Maybe I’ll become Lenny Cho (lol) and write a Formula(XP) about how to game energies by taking everything personally. Or they’re just serving this function of being curious and testing my theory. Boy, now you know how repulsive my body is. Maybe that’s why I have all this “energy.” Lol I don’t trust her opinion, she doesn’t like Don’t Look Up. 🤡 — My spirit leaving my body when I found out I won Clarion West class. They require an idea that is not fleshed out as much? Well, there’s a girl who has no longer a human body in the singular sense. She is patient zero in a hivemind developing. They discover that it’s really hard to put one spirit with another in one body, and it produces “residue” (Title drop), shadows or shades of “people” who are formed from each attempt, unconscious or not, to become one. Bye!!!!! Don’t need that antimatter or negative mass!!! — 8:33AM Can’t fall asleep. Attempt to reschedule EduQuest second interview because I am so done wasting time. Cannot stop thinking how pathetic I must be to people reading me. I also rescheduled because I am not feeling mentally well, just in time for the deadline. I am considering how trying to earn money at this point is not wise, while I also think I need a little money to fund my supps. I just feel extra selfish when I ask my dad to pay for the difference of my loans every time I come up short. I have already said everything that I need to say about men. Or even specific men. Maybe I should stop thinking about them. It’s so pathetic of me to keep hoping and it’s just some kind of irony because they know more than I do. As in, the characters are not privy to what is about to happen, but the audience knows. I don’t ever remember a time when I wasn’t consumed with beauty or sex. Or maybe I did. It’s reverse engineering things and putting together a copy of it. Like with the EvangeCube but with duct tape and trial and error. What do you call this if not post-colonial problems? This ought to ignite you but nothing ever does these days. People siphoning off your past and creativity and leaving you all the more poorer and worse than if you hadn’t been colonized, while they continually and exponentially accrue value because of your stolen property. You know what? — 8:30PM woke up. Slept 10 hours or so. Take selenium and iron later. Long exercise. Wear sleep tracker when you sleep. ### **THOUGHTS ? AXIOMS ? INTENTIONS** 11:03PM. Well, I took my supps two hours ago and am still paralyzed. Most notably my creeping awareness of how much better people have it. If I can’t even get a man to be interested in the movies I favorited on Letterboxd, and it turned out that he’s added to his watchlist this one girl’s favorite movie about an actress who enters psychosis, wtf am I supposed to think? That she’s a film major and also from UP and that he is more interested in her seriously. He was never that interested in me anyway, and I can’t help but curse everything about the world. I expected this would happen. Instead of going after my own goals I’m being manipulated into confusion and envy. Well, maybe she’s your compass. Whatever. I know two people who were Catholics and converted to born-again/evangelical because their interest in their love interest was so strong and persuasive—my dad and Mike. I have really no appeal and persuasion no matter what I do. They are not speaking to me, I just have to remember, they are directly pushing my historical buttons. Is that really what I want, though? Such shallow bullshit, sexual motivation causing them to look further into what lights me up. Well, he got on Letterboxd after you told him about it. What is he trying to do? Make me jealous of that girl? I just hate that I feel so devastated that I even got heart pangs, which I haven’t felt since 2022. Just the fact or the thought that they are talking about me and bonding because of my trauma. This is the reserve that I was talking about. I’ve never convinced anyone to do anything in my life, becoming destroyed when Mike attempted to stop Audrey from leaving the Philippines by becoming baptised at her church—well, at least, Gerry borrowed my Hunger Games book and I saw him being absorbed on the quadrangle reading it—and in 2023 that all changed when I convinced someone I was attracted to to make a Letterboxd account. Such low standards. It’s such a low bar, adding a movie to a watchlist. And now I feel gobsmacked at this betrayal of sorts, and writing about it, because what does she have that I don’t? Is it because I’m far away and he sees me as a sunken cost? Is it because they both added Inside Out on June 12 and probably watched it together? Remember, he never once expressed he liked you romantically. He even said to the effect of, “Unless you were expecting something more from our sporadic interactions.” It’s dead in the water. It’s all meaningless. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m a femcel and I’m just starved. He doesn’t see our interactions as significant or life-changing because he has actually had sex—with 6/7 people? And neurotypical people are good at interaction anyway, and his circle probably has girls who speak English like we do. There is literally nothing that makes me special in his eyes. Although he did send me that meme about gifted children. If he was really interested in me, he wouldn’t have stopped talking to me and would wait for me until I graduate. Remember, he stopped talking to me. I was really sending him messages about how I’m not going to be his first choice even if I get surgery or become successful. I guess he got so sick of me because I’m so insecure and such an incel. Insecurity is unappealing. Never again tell anybody how you think yourself inferior. They don’t get angry at what caused your trauma and bitterness, they look at your reaction to it and assume you are low quality because other people emotionally abused you. It’s a losing battle. Being bitter is generally very bad unless they also feel the same. I’m literally so stupid I did all the mistakes that these women empowerment coaches say not to do. How could I be so stupid? How could I still be interested in him? When he never seemed to be curious about me anyway, when all your trauma dumping did was overwhelm him. I did everything wrong because of course I never had any experience. I’m just done. I need to sever myself from him. Concentrate on attaining my goals so I could meet someone who will not abandon me and manipulate me and confuse me for nothing. If he has no intent of contacting me, then why is he doing this? There is literally no motive for him to make me jealous unless he was planning to contact me again. 2 hours or so have passed and I don’t think I’ve ever affected someone for that long in my life, when I’ve spent countless hours just thinking about him and writing about him. Universe, see? I am a nothing. No one has ever ruminated about me, no one has ever thought of my actions and become emotional about it, no one has ever been swept up with motivation because of what I said. Well, probably that time I told him that I was more ambitious than him, and even though I apologized for it, he has never apologized for anything he did and is not anxious at all about his behavior around me. If he was really interested in me, he would be trying to apologize even once. I only got one apology and it’s “Sorry, just a little horny.” Maybe he really is emotionally unintelligent. And just so avoidant. And if we got together, we would fight a lot about how he is impenetrable and doesn’t want to connect emotionally. Again, how can I expect this from a man? He is only interested in a good time, not anything heavy and serious, and you, except that time you sent him a nude, you are just so neurotic and insane and heavy for him. And supposedly this wouldn’t matter if I was extremely attractive, because people will tolerate everything bad if they really wanted it. My flaws outweigh my benefits for him. That is the simple fact. I am not worthwhile. I am too much work for so little give. I don’t feel rewarding enough. A weaker Abby would explode just thinking about it. It’s looking like a catch, I think. It’s him having options. It’s him realizing that telling him he’s “still my number #1” when he doesn’t feel that way about himself means I’m desperate to him. No one else that I know of is interested in me. He is probably thinking, well, these girls don’t seem to like me, girls I want, so that must mean whoever likes me so bad must be low quality. I also think the same, but maybe it’s different because the guys who are creepily interested in me know nothing about me and I’m not even attracted to them. I give off desperate energy. I need to look like I have options to guys who I may meet in the future, so they try harder to earn my affection. It’s what happened with me and him anyway, because preselection is probably hardwired into humans. I don’t know but him liking a movie with “evil brother Professor Screweyes” must mean something. Maybe he is attracted to my sister in the same way I was attracted to Mike. It’s all just dead in the water anyway and I would never even dream of getting into a relationship unless I was equally attractive as my sister, who I fear will always provoke sexual tension with any of my future boyfriends. I never even thought of this complication before in depth. I wish I was asexual and that I was interested in asexual guys. I’m just repressing all my memories about reading people online whose boyfriends stalk their sisters and have fantasies about them. It’s one reason I’m interested in guys who have aphantasia. He will never be able to picture her naked even if he wanted to. Universe of mine just broke open and I remember why I was so paranoid early this year. At least let me have a bestseller so I can roll in sophisticated AI partner in the future. How would he even think of following Kristina? Is she just a random girl who visited from California? Why did they mutually unfollow each other? Was it him or her? There is so much about his personal life that he has never told me. When confronted with doubtful things he has done, he is absolutely silent and a wall. I realize I don’t want someone like that. He is so selfish in a different way from me. I want someone who takes accountability and doesn’t leave things to fester or grow out of control in their partner’s mind. That time you said something about Alix to him, nothing. That time you said something about Kristina, just “seen.” Nothing I ever do now or ever will matter to him to make him change. Why do I even like him? Maybe I don’t. Not anymore. I just need to overwrite my memories of him with the truth of his indifference. Remember this keyword: care. He just doesn’t care enough to keep you in his life. He has decided to stop caring about you months ago. Stop writing about him! He is so committed to ignoring you that it’s already October. Nothing. Fuck if the feeling of nobody caring about me, except my parents, doesn’t absolutely crush me. It scares me that I have no control over the chemicals in my brain. I logically know that I no longer love him. All the signs point to this, just bringing up all my problems with his behavior, just thinking about his indifference and disinterest and making me feel worthless. I have no control over his decisions. But if he was a zombified creep who did everything I asked, I would run away so fast. Maybe I do have a problem. He is not even that attractive. This attachment you have to Ralph’s clones. There are guys out there who will care about you. Who will be careful and serious like that Attorney Woo love interest. Maybe that’s like porn to women. I should stop dreaming about some perfect guy like him who I’m extremely attracted to and is only interested in me and actually likes my neurodivergence. That’s the only thing I bring to the table. I think. I am loyal and forthright. I don’t like games but I realize it’s fun for some people, so I must work with that. Maybe he has figured out unconsciously through his other encounters how to make women obsessed with him. The person who is the least interested—or at least, appears to be—has the most power or influence. I don’t want that because that means I’m less interested in the guy. It has to be that we are both very interested in each other but we agree not to be desperate and needy. ### **PROGRESS / MOMENTUM** 1. AND I’M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5k words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It took me a whopping 14 hours but I’m done!!! On my way to Research proposal. Hopefully that is now easier. Now it’s time to bask and be suspicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!