## Morning Pages Reminder specifically for today: get more intentional about completing tasks piling up. Not a good look. Not a good way to start this week. I mean, to start after your 28th. OUTSIZED EFFORT WILL LEAD TO GREAT GAINS NEXT YEAR. You will have to do everything you have to do, because you literally have all these big goals like Berggruen, YC2, Rocaberti, these fellowships you hopefully have to perform not only socially but also in writing. You just have to do them. There is no way out of this but through. 2026 will need you to be in tip-top shape so you’re ready to write your novel Anatomy. So you can hopefully also write Bivergent. So you can also write Mirrored first, as a 20k novella. You will do that well because it’s training for Anatomy, whose Nancy Drew copyright expires next year. Timing, luck, opportunity only have a short window before it disappears. Omega-3 3 times a day 2 servings each. Then use Uridine start with Alpha-GPC and see until it runs out if it works. Taper off as you stop. IMPORTANT. Or buy more. STOP FUCKING TAKING MAGNESIUM CITRATE. IN THE MORNING. —Took selenium yesterday, not cold today. FUCKING HELL IS IT SUPREMELY UNFAIR THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THIS FUCKING SHIT JUST TO ATTAIN A FRACTION OF WHAT MY SISTER DOES NATURALLY. ALL OF THE EFFORT AND FOR WHAT? JUST FUCKING KILL ME. I HAVE TO EXERCISE AND DEPLETE WILLPOWER JUST TO GET ENERGY FOR THE DAY. EVERYTHING IS FUCKING SHIT. — Not every thought deserves to be captured, here are some memorable ones: 1. People unlock different locks inside you and vice versa. You just don’t apparently click sometimes. Perception, assumptions, background unconscious judgments, liking, aura, energy. 2. You had a fucking pattern and a system, just unverbalized. A Steady Altitude, Fancypants, A Space O/pera—lol, you could have gone on and done a whole thesis on how you like having characters be absent or hinted at in the beginning only to reappear unexpectedly. Surprise, and some other. Unexpected appearance, why did you always gravitate towards this though? Where did you pick it up? There was a window where you were so ripe and fertile for language and intuition, and you fucking lost it. Time, mental illness, wear-and-tear. No direction and mentor. FUCK. 3. Acutely noticed today my unattractiveness. It is lack of saturated color — permanent makeup. It is your perpetually washed out look that’s so mousy because of your hair and glasses and eyebags — rebond + lens implant + blepharoplasty. It is your “kind” vibe because of your downturned eyes and straight eyebrows homely — direct brow lift + canthoplasty. Your awkwardness coming across on camera being uncomfortable with having your picture taken — 100% magnified and fixable by faking it. Proportions are off - nose big and forehead being 30% of your face while your sister’s is 20%ish. Unflattering angle — chin too big and jawline non-existent. 4. What even is the truth at this point — I lie to myself sometimes thinking I’m above average at S&R trying to see if people look at me, sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. I’m probably frightfully uninteresting except my huge legs and sometimes huge butt. I’m not standout white like my sister. I don’t particularly have that star quality like she does because she’s proportioned like a starlet you see in BINI. Long hair doesn’t necessarily mean good-looking because it screams old lady especially if it’s untreated, and yours are not even wavy, just bleh looking not straight. And you have glasses that magnifies the homeliness. Your skin is close to gray. 5. This is the kind of thing that leads people to kill themselves — a too complex and too hopeless situation. Earlier today you had that moment of absolute rage that almost feels like going mad from anger. Only it was quiet. And localized. It scared you. You’re not the type to accept defeat and rage festers into bitterness and resentment and hatred for everyone and everything who has failed you—it was your genes and birth and random fucking luck/misfortune. Except you’re not going to give up. There is a way out or an improvement. You will be attractive in the future after your graduation. You will not dread having your picture taken. You will stop hating people for staring too long at your sister. Absolutely pathetic fuckers who are slaves to market logics and colonial standards, zombified animals who respond so predictably like rats to heroin. There are no tears, only some welling up but it dissipates anyway because you’re so empty and angry instead. People have a reserve of good feelings and social reward to buffer against the bullying and conflict. You never had that. You had to live with a permanently negative substrate where you are numb to social reward and couldn’t even begin to fake it because you were blind as to how. And now you’re permanently pathetic and awkward and needy and abrasive in manner while they glide and become exceptional and do fundamental social scripts a tad better than average without even trying. 6. Good fucking GOD just staring at my feet and legs trying to figure out why on fucking God’s green earth did my genes not even try to be average given the surfeit of great gene pool choices. So fucking wide and pathetic and bunion-y and prone to clavi and corns and your legs being this fucking impossible thick hunks of meat shaped so fucking disproportionate to reality and rules. And on top of that, leathery giant-pored magnified criss-crossed texture that’s so rough and flaky and dry to the touch and probably going to age really badly and be worse than it already fucking is. 7. Mind-bogglingly astoundingly impossibly incomprehensible how I’m doubly, triply, quadruply, quintuply disadvantaged in all kinds of ways and it’s a perfect storm of absolute fucking shit. 8. People don’t really especially notice my flaws as much as I do, they just notice all the ways my sister is exceptional and respond to that because she has a better dopamine-FUCKING GOD I CAN’T EVEN RECALL THE WORD-dopamine what? Dopamine-drawing/extracting sum-of-all-the-parts. 9. It’s not even delusional at this point. It’s a fucking law of life. My sister is entangled to my life source because we are so fucking different and the same in DNA. This tension radiates an energy that unseen entities are fighting over trying to help me. It is why when I developed a particularly pathetic and bungled obsession with Sabby and dreamt of living in a condo with no foreseeable gateway, the universe responded by transmitting a desire or will in my sister to ask her friend to rent out her condo in Berkeley in 2018, where I saw Sabby all the fucking time and kept bumping into him without even trying. They feel really fucking bad because they know how bad I have it, how fucking good my sister has it compared to me, and how fucking great the berth is between us objectively speaking from their higher-dimensional POV. You have so much desire with nowhere to go except latch itself on the thing that has caused it—your sister’s, and something, a force maybe you have no way of seeing, is responding. Out of all the condos in Katipunan and out of all the places we could possibly bump into. And Gelo Llamas—your fucking kryptonite is speaking and communicating; you met him in Comm3, and then he also lives in Berkeley and you kept bumping into him too!! On the jeep—like Sabby. In the grocery, like Sabby. In the library near CAL—like Sabby. And Stanley—no idea what it is why I suddenly saw him before 2019 Armageddon on that day—except your sister made an appearance right after you saw him???? Walking down talking about pizza while you ruminated if Stanley also saw her at CAL in her miniskirt and tube top phase. It’s sort of like dream logic—meeting Stanely after about five-ish years and him recognizing me from his freshie days in the Physics building, wondering if I’m delayed or if I’m also a civil engineering student who has to take five years instead of four, and then your desire for him and your envy for your sister meeting together like a toxic cocktail of energy that has released somehow—or maybe it hasn’t. It is the reason why your first CW 100 story got published in Clarkesworld after all this time. This great force of trauma from an Ally type—Audrey—being your queen chess piece on a board where Mike is king. The universe has no choice but to give you what you want because it recognizes the supreme unfairness your mind has clicked into—that impossibly deep store of neural patterns locking in place, realizing your objective standing in the matrix and your absolutely soul-destroying desire for Mike exceeding that of even Sabby. And then there’s Jeffrey—Ralph lookalike and “true love” extraordinaire. The increasingly complex lattice of you trying to recover from Mike’s energy and hold and gravity in 2023, being impossibly envious of Angela—to some extent, a Kim type from Eng 143 trauma, and to some extent an Ally type because of their resemblance in high school especially. How on fucking earth could Jeffrey have happened except inevitably? You had a gateway—dating app—the “luck” here is your desire compelling you to put yourself out there and make the universe see hooks where it could latch onto. It just so happens a UP student from Econ who’s neurodivergent-leaning and happens to look like your high school greatest “what if?” regret suddenly decided to swipe right on you because he probably has lower standards than Ralph—or at least, different standards. You may be unconsciously tapping into an energy or a store of magic that you are unconsciously manipulating with your emotions. It works in the subjectivities of luck and the ether of whim and sort of delayed. If you keep writing about it, if you keep strengthening your DMN, it’s like reps in the system where it gets heightened except you feel absolutely miserable doing it. The only thing left now is a small ember of doubt and excitement. If I know how it works, will it still work? If I am speaking out of their fourth wall and acknowledging their influence on my life, will they take kindly to being called out? The “formula” appears to be strong desire for a life drive-partner that could continue my genes (under the hood of sexuality) AND the crucial envy-igniting person that’s similar to Ally, someone you’re very homologous with but very contrasted to. The only possible hole is Kate and Vince. Or a different interpretation. Your writing was partially motivated by beating Kate at Wattpad, aside from diary writing. And then you saw Vince, someone who’d confessed to like you and cemented himself in your memory as your first love even though your principles prevented you from giving him an answer. You saw him waver in your desire for you as he looked at shiny new thing called Kate visiting from Qatar. Kate was always an envy-drawing person, the first actually, from grade 1. All throughout your childhood you’d noticed she was so desirable and you tried to copy how she smiles in your first passport photo. She is the reason why you got published in Clarkesworld and won Voyage YA. At least, her energy or life force interacting with mine. That leaves Audrey’s and Mike’s. So terribly poised to give me something, because of the difference between his desire for Audrey and his desire for me. And now—we have Yasmine Cruz. So similar to classmate Jasmine Cruz from CW 198. Who are you, and why has the universe suddenly decided to remind me of A Map of Pain. It is an unfinished loop that might be due any time soon. Maybe it’s got to do with my Anatomy project—literally AMoP giving birth to it. I “coincidentally” decided to start developing it just as I was enrolling in CW 198. And now, maybe it’s due. It certainly feels like magic. Remember what I said about delayed? I am gratefully over my envy for Audrey or any of Mike’s concubines. Thank fucking God Jeffrey came along to displace my soul’s terra incognita. Now I have a reserve of something—an unconscious piece of fabric over that festered wound built around my lack of beauty. It’s a reserve that I don’t know is actually helping me cope better now compared to before, when it literally, quite literally drove me insane and foaming. But now it’s coming back. This anger, without him, poised to be triggered again when he finds someone new and ignites that possessiveness in me that’s been overwritten by a new person I will project all of my insecurities towards. 10. Ally’s screwy effects on my life? Let’s see, her blurting out that I have plain facial features in a fit of anger when we were children. Her blurting out that she wants me to go to hell when she was swimming in Marco Hotel. And I even told that story of us swimming in Paolo’s class. And I wrote ALL_WRITERS_GOTO_HELL seemingly as an associative outgrowth. Like a dream. Telling stories, telling them to people. Getting them to other people and having them react to it. Untold effects on my life. And what they did to me in 2019 is so terribly overrun with weeds and I can’t see clearly what the truth is anyway, so that’s a complication. Maybe Paolo is the reason why I’m here. Maybe telling other people about your happiness at reading E. Lily Yu’s Clarkesworld story in that class while Nikki was scoffing at you—or maybe it was someone else—while she was buddy-buddy with Sabby lookalike Rawl that brought you here, and now your Palanca story is due in November, which was your reaction to his story because of envy. 11. Who else has the right to feel special? Sydney. She got published by Apex in issue 137, something she is probably still reeling over since it seems to matter to her so much as a universal constant. A charmed life, it seems. Her life’s rules are different, maybe she has different entities watching over her. But we are so similar it’s not even funny, her robot story literally has brains from an accident being used to revive a lover, mine is that they bombed the cryopreservation facility. She even has “the other side” story, while I wrote Mirrored with the phrase “THE_OTHER_SIDE.” She was in Paolo’s class. I was very jealous of her talent and aura and knowledge. Maybe it was a perfect storm of her looking like Kate, her high school hair style at least, and reminding you of her so much too. If there’s a compass, it’s pointing at Sydney. It’s literally so huge you can’t miss it. Only it seems to be missing a partner—someone who you fear is more drawn to her than you, and who you actually are attracted to. Maybe it’s Mike—but I am so over him it’s not going to work. It’s a dead end. Maybe it doesn’t matter, as it’s delayed. I remember fuming because I saw a picture of her dressing up in my death day outfit, and her standing close to Mike. I also remember fuming at the idea that he slept with my current thesis adviser because there was a picture of them from the department pictorial. Maybe it means something in the end. Maybe I just have to tap into that old love and envy. But maybe it’s already underway. It’s just so like that movie Odd Thomas, not a single Bodak was summoned by the girl’s death, but so many were there waiting for a bloodbath at the mall shooting. I only got my poem “Nettled” published because it’s so thoroughly twined into my jealousy for rich popular girls like Sadie Huang who was in CW 100 and my crush on JM. Only it was a small execution, a $25 dollar result. Clarkesworld was so huge because obviously. Something has to happen to me, like a really bad event like ruminating and bawling out my eyes and being so swept up by a void of sadness over the idea that Jeffrey is fucking and enjoying his time with other girls who are not me. Girls whose auras are like my sister’s. Girls who are neurotypical and competent and attractive like Kristina. But why is it my writing? Why is it piano, they answer. Kate was also taking piano. She was also envious of me. I was following A.W. Prihandita before it was cool on X, noticing how she was also accepted into Clarion. And now Sydney is looking for an agent at her agent’s agency. So they could be agent cousins. You see how it makes sense? Sydney has mixed feelings about being groomed to play the flute. You also have that. It makes sense in a way. So maybe Sydney is also the reason why your Clarkesworld story fits into the puzzle. It may not be you specifically that they’re trying to play with on that board game. It’s just maybe your life, and perhaps every event in it, is being used to affect Sydney’s, or maybe to play off it in some way, since you are so similar in childhood and adulthood and so different. Why is this happening? Why does anything happen at all? Why are all these people and events linked to me? Why am I specifically singled out for desire+envy combo? Is that my life’s purpose? 12. Maybe this makes sense to some system beyond my comprehension, maybe it gives someone pleasure, it’s the only explanation. My life events playing off all these other people’s. And they all think it’s mathematically pleasing and beautiful and logical and something they want to encourage and happen. I just need to lean into it, and perhaps my life purpose is to find a new one, a new plane, and maybe I’ll transcend something, maybe good things could happen. Maybe if I stop gratifying that envy+desire matrix, I’ll develop into something greater. But it really seems at this point that my life history and time has optimized this particular pattern for my life. There may be no conscious entities at all. There may be just energies that are naturally unlocked and tapped into like a Rube Goldberg machine. 13. You’re so drawn to physics too. What is it about physics? Physical reality. That which is touchable and material even down to the things we cannot see directly. Sydney has 137. What do I have? I have God, or at least my brain’s model of Him. Physics is where you met Stanley, Gelo too. Physics is what caused you to write the ebook’s cover like that—to attempt maybe to attract him? WTF? 14. You know what? Maybe it’s not a desire at all for a person? It’s not a desire for a person so much as something that will continue me—and that just so happens to be writing too. You are attracted to someone not because of their beauty only or your hormones, but the respect and admiration you would get for possessing that beauty for yourself instead of everybody common. It is literally a bid to be special. You liked Ralph because he was liked by Chloe. You liked Stanley because he was not only attractive but also part of AJSS, which Kim Tee was a part of. You liked Mike and was sensitized to liking him even more once you discovered the picture of them—how a much more attractive girl like Audrey got him and not you. Your desire for writing and importance being so outsized and great that it forces you into a mindset that is excellent and disciplined and dopamine-rich. So it doesn’t have to be Jeffrey. Although it adds into it, possibly. Because you feel deep down if you become important enough or a New York Times bestseller he will have no choice but to contact you asking you out for real, because now he sees you have value and aren’t insane anymore. I don’t know what it was about Sabby, maybe it was because of money—you found out he was very wealthy and has a brother in Enderun. It’s your sister’s wound—money. Her desperate desire to be seen as important synergizing with the energy of your desire for Sabby and his wealth. 15. What you find attractive is deeply tied up with money, somehow, but not in the way that other people might also understand. Ralph was preselected by Chloe but he already had an advantage too. Stanley already had broad shoulders and harked back to your crush on Chinese guys, built on Ralph’s and Aaron Uy’s and Lloyd’s. It’s being bullied for dark skin that made you crave white skin too. I don’t know what it is about Mike though, except he just had the right foreign body proportions and a pleasing head shape and aura. So he was really just sparking your sexuality too. Your interest in Chinese guys is only because of Vince, but you cannot explain Sean Capillas. There was absolutely nothing Chinese—or was he? He was just cute and attractive and I don’t remember much about my childhood feelings around him, except that I wanted him, because he was my very first desire-sparking agent. Come to think of it, he reminds me so much of Bluesky guy. Talk about a circle. So it’s typical in a way. Bluesky guy reminds you of Mike and Sean. Sean, who had nothing to help him so much because you weren’t so influenced by money or colonial standards yet. At least, I don’t remember being 7, although I remember rubbing powder all over myself to make myself whiter. But Sean wasn’t that white anyway. I think he represents what could likely have been your very undiluted sense of beauty. You even wrote him a farewell letter, and he bought you dolphin earrings, so maybe he received it, lol???? WTF. He even visited and became so different. 16. Social reward was particularly off with you already since childhood. You had no desire to interact except you just did it whenever it was presented, like Frances. And Sheloah—you bragged about money. You want to be important as young as 7. I don’t know what I should take from this. 17. Cat Aquino-Sydney’s coincidence of having the same tattoo flower on the back of her neck and going to the UK to study and be excellent. 18. Just think, your life patterns could well have been some murdered Palestinian’s path before a larger conflict swept them up. What larger story could your smaller story be beneficial for instead of in conflict with? You are inevitably in conflict with something that thankfully does not go after your life. But today you were reminded of it being possible—an earthquake and your house shattering around you and snuffing out your patterns. It is being in the Philippines, it is being neurodivergent and disabled, it is being a developing country in the Global South, it is being gatekept out of further development by circumstances you couldn’t help. 19. I’m definitely a germ or pet of a higher-dimensional being of some kind. I’m under observation. Maybe I’m a flower growing in their garden being pruned or trimmed to fit an order or arrangement. It is only circumstance that a car or truck bulldozes through it and kills me and the bush I’m on. 20. Were you groomed to want to be important? Do people naturally want to be important and that your particular bent was just heightened? Of course people want to be important. 21. Where would you be if you weren’t so paralyzed by procrastination? I cannot for the life of me start with CW 198 even though I know I should. It’s 6:47PM. I have to do it because it’s Oct 10 and the deadline for the literature review was on 7th and I think that’s how much time is expected for someone with no partner. 22. I am so scared of my past—especially me basically losing the sense of value for sentimental things. I sold my dad’s cassettes for money. I cut up my Jibbitz phone holder. I was so full of hatred and pain that I stopped thinking of consequences, even exposing my darkest secrets on the internet, maybe somewhat thoughtlessly and not accidentally, like AMoP notes. I even cut up my old passport and made these stupid coins as my own paper currency for some reason, with Barbie stamped ink. There is attachment with Barbie but none with the old passport. WTF was happening in my brain at the time? I stopped thinking of value and consequence. I started being so desperate for money. I was too stupid to notice the value of those famous Filipino bands and I even only sold one for 150 pesos. WTF????? 2021 was a very desperate year for me although my playlist from that year was not apparently emotional. God this takes a lot of pain to admit but anticonvulsants really hijacked your brain. Just one stain among many. I would have never acted so blindingly stupid and unemotional if it weren’t…for my mania and strong emotions mixed with the meds. I would never have blown up my life in 2019 if I had some self-preservation and awareness of risk. You truly had no wise consequence-detector. Even in 2024. You need to keep that in mind when you enter some kind of mania again. Any strong emotion will lead you to ruin if you do not think first before going after what you really want. Maybe all these goals to go abroad are. Maybe I’d be so completely out of my depth and get lost because I’m dumb. 23. My self-concept of my recent past has been steadily integrating. Slowly. I remember my parents having memories of me picking up trash in SM for some reason. I was frightfully stupid in the sense that I have weird logic sometimes sprouting out of an emotion, like shame. Remember picking up trash everywhere in Katipunan? And handing out 7/11 sandwiches to random poor people? And I was just really guilty, but then it swung to the opposite direction sometimes when I would get really thoughtless about the effects of my actions on other people. How could I reconcile these two things? 24. Even if you thought you were smart in 2023, you were just so reckless in a sense. You had no sense of how the world worked—you got on a sugar dating app, for example. You got on a dating app—well, that was a net good decision because you met Jeffrey. But you also went to these dingy photo studios and manically tried to start your acting career with delusion. I mean, now I see that it’s literally impossible to break in if you had no connections and no workshop held by an old lady actor is going to jumpstart your career. But then didn’t you see the way they had hope? That above-average attractive girl with her parents counting on her to pull them out of poverty. And that other class B girl who actually had some connection to Anne Curtis crew but has revealed that she was looking for other jobs or something. That woman who had her kid be trained by her. And that Bisaya guy who’s probably jobless looking for an opportunity. Just weird all around to have encountered that life experience. Maybe I could write about it someday. Being manic really puts you in an enriched environment sometimes. If you stopped caring what other people thought, you blurted out whatever you were concerned about at the time and small talk was easy. Maybe it helped you looked down on them, you didn’t feel ashamed in front of them. 25. A thought occurred to me yesterday. Women are attracted to masculine things like dominance, like strength, like being dominated by men in sex, being tossed around, being rough-handled, being slapped. I wonder what it’s like for men to be attracted to femininity. Like is it being vulnerable? Being soft? Being fragile? Being the opposite of men, or what they’re not. When I look at a female body or my own physique or practically any married person’s body, I don’t quite understand how a person would be attracted to it and want to fuck it. Except when I’m horny. When I’m not, I just don’t see how it would compel someone to feel horny. I look at pretty girls and I faintly have that reality-breaking moment when I can see them from the POV of a guy. Although it’s very quick and unpleasant, mixing in with my own envy. Lately I’ve been really into dissecting why some kinds of thinness are more desirable than others. When I was at my thinnest, my body did not look ideal. Some men can recognize when thinness is attractive like with BINI girls or my sister. It’s a small-ish frame that is feminine whereas otherwise with me I just look withered and still my legs are big. Thinness has always been attractive to society. Especially if it’s matched with a small defined waist, long limbs, and nice hands/feet, plus proportional breasts. I also feel like men are also more likely to be attracted to faces more and will consider an attractive girl with a nice face to be sexy even though her body is not that nice with boobs. Like Audrey or Ally. 26. My antinet attempt is an entire giant dumpster fire full of self-references I have no idea how to decrypt. It is full of half-baked emotional blizzards. There are so many of them but they probably hold little value except ideas for further development. I feel so disconnected to them now. 27. A list of your unwise decisions: 1. 2024: sending Clarkesworld Chaos first 2. 2024: applying for Smoochpit acknowledging your brain damage and using AI 3. 2025: messaging Vida accusatory message 4. 2023: Going the actress/model route 5. 2025: not accepting Tafline’s request on LinkedIn 6. 2024: not completing CW 198 when it was the easiest thing to do 7. 2023: telling Kate how you think she might think it was you who posed as her 8. 2025: becoming a jealous and wall of text sending person to Jeffrey 28. This goddamned body of death. 29. When you’re on dopamine, especially yesterday, everything takes on a saturated color and suddenly what you’re writing is the most important thing you should be doing and that it’s brilliant or groundbreaking—hedge against this feeling. On the one hand, sometimes it results in actually creative or brilliant writing, but on the other, you can’t really control it and you get carried away. ## REMINDERS: 1. OUTSIZED EFFORT WILL LEAD TO GREAT GAINS NEXT YEAR. You will have to do everything you have to do, because you literally have all these big goals like Berggruen, YC2, Rocaberti, these fellowships you hopefully have to perform not only socially but also in writing. You just have to do them. There is no way out of this but through. 2026 will need you to be in tip-top shape so you’re ready to write your novel Anatomy. So you can hopefully also write Bivergent. So you can also write Mirrored first, as a 20k novella. You will do that well because it’s training for Anatomy, whose Nancy Drew copyright expires next year. Timing, luck, opportunity only have a short window before it disappears. 2. Omega-3 3 times a day 2 servings each before food. Then wake up use Uridine start with Alpha-GPC and see until it runs out if it works. Taper off as you stop. IMPORTANT to avoid withdrawal and dopamine dysregulation. Or buy more. Take with B vitamins, 6,9,12 3. Ideal is association that readily associates = temporal-parietal junction time flower and pattern recognition = flower petals are patterns, left interior frontal gyrus being the seat for rule-following = Sabby Jake Zyrus inside bottom??? 4. Paraphrasing this content, then add, deform, contrast, associate, elaborate, examine, recast, infect with new or old 5. You try to link context as much as possible to the individual items or else you’ll just have free-floating data with no meaning. Also, try to really understand what it is, not just rote. 6. When watching video, like Weapons analysis by StudioBinder, really try to engage your understanding and bring external thought into it as an opposite force, you cannot just be passively ingesting content. 7. Cues: dad noticed I was ignorant, formed analogy on the spot. 8. Visualize your concepts = multi-sensory integration 9. Reminder to stop eating processed food, sugar-highs, and others because the risk is too high. 10. Enriched environment = more brains 11. Take GABA before thesis presentation 12. Improve every day. Do better today than yesterday. 13. If you see a list—think of people that you get reminded of 14. You need to remind yourself even though it’s redundant: connect to what you know. It is not enough to rely on coincidence or synchrony. 15. You really have to know why you are following a rule or convention. Blindly following a convention leads to stagnant behavior or writing. You’re not being intentional. You have a purpose that should become automatic, but at first, you work out the reasons why that behavior is ideal. 16. Getting back to a state where I have an all-consuming desire. A singular obsession. What makes you deeply, deeply angry? What ignites your blood? ## THOUGHTS ? AXIOMS ? INTENTIONS 11PM ish: moderately upset that I got charged by Claude because I forgot to cancel it. ## PROGRESS / MOMENTUM 1. My ability to phrase things fast or retrieve words I want to use is improving, but not quite there yet.