Memory 1: Confidence: >95% The Atonement reference was actually an afterthought. It was the sensation of what AIs experience I was trying to illustrate with the birthday selection scrolling on most apps.  Memory 2: Confidence: >90% Either I was extremely hurt (not to excuse what I wrote and sent knowingly) when I thought that I was only relevant in his memory, the “who knows how to make the computer work…?” in Eng 21, because it was weeks later that I discovered the picture and Prof. Audrey’s sister being from compsci, or in wanting to exact what I thought was petty revenge, as in the kind that could not be believed because of the title reference “All liars go to hell,” I thought that their reading it would not be able to affect anyone but possibly impress Prof. Mike and Prof. Paolo. Probably both. I knew I included Ephesians verses but I didn’t understand the hurt it could cause someone who experienced romantic disappointment. I thought the separation of the stories because of what I thought were tenuous bases couldn’t be damaging. [phrases/sentences seem to contradict but I feel like interference or commentary from slightly older selves who have been enlightened by fire]. It is very likely that I wanted to hurt people but couldn’t and can’t accept my guilt. I also believed pretty people couldn't get hurt enough. I think I felt justified because she is, what I knew was, the version of myself I had wanted to be, and being in the highs of infatuation with Prof. Mike, I thought she was ungrateful and considered his lateness to be a habit that was worth posting on social media for. Of course on April 12 I knew how exactly that kind of hurt feels, and to have that being repeated probably does ruin your relationship value perception. Memory 3: Confidence >90% I did not have the intention of referencing Cubby himself but the thought must have crossed my mind only when I thought what a pigeon hole was, and not remembering the word, I used it instead. Possibly a memory glitch because I had seen pictures from 2015 from his relative’s account.  Memory 4 in reference to the above: supporting the confidence by about +3%: Weeks or months ago I saw a part of the movie _True Grit_ and couldn’t remember the actress’s name, someone whom I knew from the Romeo and Juliet remake and the Bumblebee film. I ate the Mac and Cheese and then possibly hours later I remembered it was Haylee Steinfeld* [Actually Hailee but still].  Memory 5: I sometimes can’t accept that I committed atrocities that are inhuman. Photographing people without their consent. Having urges to kick people in the teeth. I wanted to blame everything on everyone who goaded me knowingly and used my weaknesses against me. I have asked God to release me from hatred and He has given me more strength than I can imagine, even though I relapse. I am being moved to develop personally extreme methods of avoiding violent movies from now on. Perhaps it all has desensitized me, knowing that I have only virtual experiences and considering that movies aren’t far off from virtual experiences. What makes me think it’s okay to vicariously be the shooter or violence-perpetrator? I’ve only recently wondered this, but who actually thinks that any life is possible without privacy? I feel that no one wants to tell me what they truly mean because they either do not want to be included in an archive in relation to me or that they just think I’m a character in entertainment “business.” I’ve thought about filters and what I assumed about them. I assumed Globe IT guy was an actor and that female psychologists were the only ones who viewed my pictures and life through the camera, that is why I was confident to go about grabbing a towel in my room naked or going on the computer to type without a bra on. I remember my sister dropping her salad in a tupperwear meal at Berkeley in front of him [they were facing tables - the high chaired one and the one near the piano], and I don’t know why, but I trusted him even if I knew he was a volunteer of some sort. I assumed the story told to me by my sister about the creepy guy who told her she looked like [villain woman in Batman movie] was true until I doubted it when there was the Globe IT guy and that creepy guy talking outside with a mention of “dragons.” I assumed if I expressed an opinion on someone’s looks [which I know is unethical and rude] negatively, the person would be “protected” from knowing about it. I don’t know what got into my head when I wrote that “collab” and in schizotypal fashion connected the dots. It surprises me now that I was so naively trusting even though I had my whole psyche ripped apart every day.  I have a non-personality which is the same as saying as lousy or even weirdly possessively clingy, if I asked Jennie, Keziah, maybe Jam. I remember being at Kalay. I don’t want to remember being in the common areas and the day when we had to practice for the Regional or Himig Kalay I think. I forgot my dorm key and had to borrow it from Keziah. I didn’t think I was the one who was that weird, but I definitely felt like they thought I was weird. It’s not the anxiety but an actual vibe that I got where I knew I did not really belong with the other region 10 people. It was probably my un-socialization and autistic affect. I’m not even sure about my autism these days because I’m more open to think that it’s an unfortunate masking of my non-socialization. It was probably my English speaking. But I guess there were other people at that dorm who also spoke English but who were able to socialize well. I also remember going to a freshie event at a theater with Keziah and a friend, and I made it extremely awkward to the point of I don’t even remember what really happened, except that I made my discomfort really obvious and the friend caught on and Keziah also got uncomfortable because I was acting really coldly and unresponsive and everything about the socializing that year I didn’t expect to feel like walking on knives. It is probably the reason, my first year experience, coupled with extremely awkward situations in classes, that my anxiety worsened so bad, and why the last positive social interactions I remember are from high school.