- I have a very amorphous idea of why God is angry at [[sin]]. I don't understand God's mind and perhaps I will try my hardest to understand in this life, but for now I will study porn research and attempt to write a book of fiction. - 9:58AM: lowkey freaking out because of the mountain of tasks I have [[set]] out to do today - TODOs - [[September 8, 2022]] Reread all todos and journals - [[September 4, 2022]] [[Mae and the Mirrors]] - TODO [[6 - Miscellaneous/September 6, 2022]] It's important to have models. Choose an account on Twitter to model your own ONE ACCOUNT and also choose a model essay? - TODO [[September 4, 2022]] Saved YT vids thea arbitera zolt's and postmillenial et al - every [[Time]] I doubt whether or not I have gaslighted myself and made myself believe it was all a haze where I just pulled it out of thin air without any basis on reality, i just have to remember that he showed up in berkeley and why the heck would he be there? he was literally sitting there on the table as if he was "waiting" for me to "buy him a drink" - I've ignored my feelings for too long and now it's decided to come out of the woodwork to kill me again. It's not the 'poor me, [[Self]]-pity, icri' type. It's just emptiness. Dull jealousies that get squashed pretty quickly. I know I'm a loser right now. I have no one right now. And I'm at my loneliest in my own delusional mind. I just decided to stalk them all again today. Not [[Good]] for my soul but also it's like [[God]] speaking to me, His Word like a sword. So it might be [[Good]] for my soul if it's all brought to [[God]] and not myself. - "knowledge puffs up" - 11:16PM: so now I really wasted my day being low-[[Energy]] and overstimulated. I just have to get back up tomorrow. - [[Realization]] I also realized that I really don't want to be a [[Productivity]] guru or a person who talks about how to get knowledge, but I actually want to be able to synthesize. So your newsletter will not contain a lot of tips-type PKM because a lot of other people already do that. I really want to be a writer but I [[Find]] myself so drained to start with anything I have. I feel like once I finish this [[Thesis]] once and for all, I will finally have my [[Energy]] back (and hopefully because I will have recovered from Depakote-induced [[Memory]] loss) for [[Writing]] again. I can even [[Use]] AI to have a "base" because I really don't want to have to come up with my own words as that wastes a lot of [[Time]]. It's easier to repair and build upon and tweak than actually coming up with something from scratch. [[Originality]]