What greeted me good morning this 5:53AM: whiff of dead rat on sticker paper beside water dispenser, covered by plastic sheet. You laugh now, but you’ll miss home ten years later. All those rats. Sigh. — Something about Man from Uncle - don’t remember the thought process - so much of my time is wasted(?) trying to retrace my thought patterns. Welp, better offload it to a group of AIs of some sort to figure me out… — Realtalk. I’ve only felt this “dead rat, ‘missing the present moment’” feeling twice in my life. The first, I was talking to my dad, and I felt myself so full of grief because I had been flash-forwarded to his wake and my trying to come to terms with our strained father-daughter relationship. All whilst he was talking to me about something which I now forgot because it had been so mundane and my mind, despite myself willing myself to be present in the moment and pay attention, decided to drift away again to my selfish and navel-gazing thoughts. — 6:19AM - I love printing things (just printed my Ae’s documents). — A taste of heaven. God. Loves. Me. Back. — String of random words to use as memory hangers: potpourri, Daiso, Zebra, Staedtler Triplus Fineliners, corkboard, pantyliner, smoke, chipped paint, dorm life, red shirt, model, Dengue, excellence, aircon, cones, bouquet, tattoo, Muji, batteries, pots, baker supplies, Ratatouille, foot mask, diazepam, umbrella — k i swear i have never played the crew text adventure game completely and i never played the playlist b4 by litrouke, or the “suggestive playlist.” suggestive music. in my draft. also i wrote the “God. Loves. Me. Back.” all before that in response to tweets i saw earlier because it’s july 3 sunday i decided to stalk them to test my mileage for emotional pain. I exited tab of 1st song in playlist because i thought it’d be a waste of time and i gravitated to ‘prove me wrong’ song which is the third one in the playlist by litrouke from crew interactive fiction game. scrolled down to lyrics: “You have to live this life To sing this song Let's go! Why. Don't. You. Come. Here. And. Prove. Me. Wrong?” WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF I am pretty sure I am manic right now. I have not slept since I woke up yesterday July 3 at 11 or 11:30 PM right before an electric malfunction caused the blow up noise and the brownout which didn’t faze me anymore. — I can feel myself being seduced by my own brain. Not good. NOT GOOD. The attraction to these kinds of things, I believe, is caused by lack of respect to everything God considers holy. The only best solution despite my fallen flesh is to look at it willfully with… I don’t know. Pity. I literally have to assume a motherly role. Yuck. But it works. — REALSPOOKED. CODE RED. I listened to Reptilia by Strokes when I wrote previous paragraph. Just when I finished as the song ended, it immediately played onto “Lights Out” by MSI, or “Mindless Self Indulgence” or the band who played the “Prove Me Wrong” song earlier. Rings of devils. Satan teasing me. Literally the lyric in Lights Out, “Who the hell ever said you could ever get a taste? Stupid!” MSI is a gaming computer brand. Something about brands. BRANDS. MARKETING. SATAN WILL LITERALLY MARKET ETERNAL SUFFERING AS SOMETHING YOU WANT RIGHT NOW!!!! IT”S LITERALLY IN THE TOITLE EVERYBADY!!!!! “MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE!!!!” YOU WILL ALL_GOTO HELL IF YOU DON”T REPENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT”S LITERALLY TWINS> JACOB AND ESAU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAKOB’S WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JACOB PRETENDING TO BE HAIRY ESAU!!!!!! ESAU TRADING HIS BIRTHRIGHT FOR A BOWL OF BROTH!!!!!!!!!!! COOKING COOKING !!!!! I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!! — ok so i literally googled ‘how often do married women cheat’ because i really want to know if woman in car is kit kwe or another married coworker. problematic if woman who is married gets into car with man even if she is committed. esp. if they are heterosexual. i mean, i know it was him in the car. duh. blue polo. maybe i’ve been dying to know who she is. maybe she was woman in cl154 discussion with glenn diaz and et al. felt like i was about to die in that moment. didn’t get why these group of people were “unintentionally” microaggressing me. woman in red dress. is she woman in car then? anyway, i don’t care. i use that image when i get lured into 3rd world fantasy state - the “everything is ideal, reality be damned” world i retreat to sometimes. why would this man be so unethical as to agree to go with a woman who is probably married or in a relationship? why do i assume this woman is in a relationship. is her being in a relationship a defense again? to make for myself a smaller enemy to conquer? because if she were single, and if he was interested in her, then it’s that i ruined their blossoming relationship, or that they’ve actually been engaging in flirtatious and godless dalliances as “colleagues” who talk about mundane things occasionally, but nothing too serious. i cannot believe myself. i cannot believe he got over audrey so soon. i think that was in mid or mid-late 2018. i am angry at unethical people in general who cannot keep it in their pants. i mean i understand if you are heathen, uneducated, ignorant, or did not have a liberal arts degree privilege where you had been privy of these privations and secrets of the trade. the things no one tells you. the hidden curriculum. the things some people just know automatically without needing much experience. it’s how i learn most dictionary unknowns anyway. i assume the word based on associative triangulations, and more often than not, because of my background, i am usually right, with few exceptions. i wonder what exceptions i’ve been ignoring. maybe those are important. i am shaking as i type. you ought not to get into a car with sexually attractive men if you are married or in a relationship. you are being whorish. why bother starting something and keeping the fire manageable? God sees. if she wasn’t married or in a relationship, and if he wasn’t in a relationship with prof. audrey anymore at the time, i am being unnecessarily judgy again. being briony again. being a “just” God who steals the fun out of life. i mean, some people think it’s okay. what is wrong with being friends or attempting to build a new relationship with an attractive somebody. i am acting out of envy. of course, i am. i know. it was all the reasons i listed in the draft, plus that. if covid was caused by hidden sins of the heart, then it is to show how God really sees through everything, right through the deepest. he knows how disgusting we are. his creations twisted out of proportion. he chooses, i think, to think of us as if we were married francheskas so we are easier to forgive. Through Christ we are let off. Who knows what would have happened if He decided to completely start over with new stuff made out of other elements not out of carbon? New universes, He perfectly could and should have. But He didn’t. Because, because. Something He’s protecting us from. edit 3:10pm- His pity for us transcends any hatred He might have felt for our sins. Pity, sadness, grief, His once-beautiful creations, all destined for ruin. i just thought to include that i named the fictional condo “aurum” residences because it’s latin for gold and cagayan de oro is banco de oro is river(?) of gold. like, daluyong… mandaluyong… um, notions of word meanings. also saw the calvary movie with gleeson recommendation by prof audrey. i literally live in nazareth. what about the places so makes my work so special? at least, why why why? also, tiktok famous song, ‘washing machine heart’ included in first iteration of AMOP. — it’s just… i remembered something. loujaye and tim ong talking somewhere under a waiting shed. was that an allusion to dalliances or trysts he had with a certain coworker? of course, ya’ll should be ashamed of yourselves. if true, if true. i mean, inevitably, people are gonna rationalize me into submission again. you’d be tempted too if you were attractive like us. dopamine gonna dope. we like what we like. no business of yours. — time to dig up palengkera voice bitch woman at UPTC who treats movie theater snack servers badly. I will never forgive you bitchesa. HAHAHAHA. ya’ll have the gall to shove your big ass and tits and heels and perfect son right in my family’s face and my dad’s face knowing his struggle? You will not be punished on earth, I think. Something’s awaiting you :) I mean I have ideas but inevitably God is gonna wanna have a creative think tank of the spirits who aren’t human anymore… i do wonder why your face and dress looked so familiar, maybe because that was in 2020 already… and i had been exposed to red dress woman in cl154 discussion with woman coworker person of interest in late 2019 when i was writing the nuclear launch keycode number 2 draft of “seasons of mourning.” it is a well-known bible trope in the last days there will be babylonian whores or women playing at being whores???????????? oh my lawdy. you know i was originally gonna name the yolanda bird flu draft as ‘dust and ashes’ but then decided to change it to seasons of mourning. dust and ashes as in job in the bible. something something Prof. Falgui BOJ car plate i should have looked at instead so i could have been certain 100% it was his car. — I remember most things. WGF 747. The “plane” car. With his son/nephew. I was walking near Physics building listening to Not That Funny by Fleetwood Mac. His car just outpaced me because of course. I saw him smiling. His nephew/son was in the front seat. Who owns that car anyway? Who owns that car? Why that car? To prevent me from knowing the truth? To gaslight me once again? That I did not see the car in 2019? AM I WRONnzg????SAOIH PDUSLAw — the urgency of my draft is alarming. BUT I CANNOT BE SO THOUGHTLESS. I don’t really know how to balance calculation and serendipity. It’s just out of control right now. OUT OF CONTrzoL!>J SOAI SH WP* DIL? — “dave a wise software” literally an allusion to his very worn shoes and a misspelled or grammatically wrong sentence in my draft. the pictures in 2015 from AR Mirasol account. him looking at francezka(?) kwe’s baby. well, pictures are only moments. What had happened between 2015 and 2019 nobody knows. Maybe they’d engaged in flirtation. I mean, duh. If sexual infidelity in the US happens at around 11% give or take, and considering that Prof. Americano-Italiano wannabe is repressed conservative redpilled MAGA hat-wearing sexually charged happy ending manna of death, and with whoever woman who is not me i.e. not immune to his antics, then i’m willing to bet they have at one point or another, wondered what it’s like to fuck each other’s brains out? that is disturbingly masochistic of me, GASP. I mean, honest truth from a nobody like me, speculative fiction writer who has not really graduated from anything at 24 despite being valedictorian all my life. I am forced to witness these people’s thoughts. What could lie underneath buried under all that politeness? Why are people so unaware? Why does repressing things only make things really all the more appealing? If you brought them all to light, it will cease to become tempting. I acknowledge that you hold sexy ‘fuck like rabbits’ limber appeal, i acknowledge my wife is turned on by idea of my more successful and respected coworker being dominant and stronger, we both know these things, this is why you hold no power over our marriage. you are commonplace, stranger we know as sinful. you are a nothing to our marriage but a devil’s snare. you are not special just because you happen to flit across our imaginations once in a while when one of us pisses the other off. you get rid of tension by acknowledging things. you build tension by keeping things mysterious. that is how most affairs start anyway. you know everything about that hot new person you just met at work? Well, i’m afraid i have a profile on her and i think she likes kpop a little too much. i think total surveillance is probably good in this area for marriages. i mean, look what it’s done to me heh heh heh. — i guess i shan’t forget, you ‘tim whorton’s whore’ because i really wonder, who is tim? Why tim? Tim Ong? He’d said he likes Tim Horton in Eng 143. TIM ONG AND LOUJAYE. So it was loujaye. I mean i don’t accurately recall from faint memory because i had not clearly looked at the faces. only making out straight hair. so it can’t have been kit kwe. But who is “TIM HORTON”S WHORE” WHO IS STARBUCKS COUPLE AT STARBUCKS BRANCH WHEN I WAS BROUGHT THERE BY MY SISTER WHEN I HAD BEEN BRAINSTORMING SEASONS OF MOURNING???? I LOOKED AT THAT GUY LIKE HE”D KILLED A CHILD AND RAPED IT?????? ALL BECAUSE HIS GF LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD LOTS OF SEX APPEAL??????? GUYS AND THEIR PORN GFS AMIRITE???????????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHORES. BTW FOUND THAT TWITTER WHORTON”S HORE ON TWITTER!!!! HEY I AM NOT CRAZY CUZ MY MEMORY IS COMPLETELY FINE> ELEANOR OLIPHANT IS COMPLETELY FINE> THE WHITE ELEPHANT YOU CAN”T GET RID OF. IVAN PANIN. FUCKITY FUCK. CLEAN PAIN. CLEAN PAIN. PHRASES FROM THAT BOOK I LOVE. ELEANOR OLIPHANT IS ME. I AM TALKING TO AN IMAGINARY CONSTRUCT. VISION. WANDAVISION. CLEAN PERFECT PAIN IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! July 4 audios: ![[July 3-4, 2022.m4a]] ![[New Recording 31.m4a]] ![[AMOP plans one act play monologue.m4a]] ![[Response to Matt Revis on 1901 Bordy cover.m4a]] ![[July 4, 2022 - ideations.m4a]]