∆ Best-laid plans quote or verse. I remembered something. About ALL_WRITERS. The girl with the dragon tattoo thing. The comparing the two films. I was not trying to compare or equate a subtext of any kind. “David Fincher having a bigger budget.” Wow. I can see how this looks like. I am the bitchesa at the mall rubbing it in her face then. To me I didn’t see Prof. Audrey as poor. I knew she had money in the way I had—like my experience having relatives in the US, my having to work a transcriber job just to get products from Beautymanila (b4 shopee cheapened them) whereas Prof. Audrey had to starve herself to get books. I was “privileged” in name only, dreaming of the day when my parents could convince my rich lolo to sponsor my sister and I. I dreamed of staying at nice apartments and dorms like Oracle Residence. It just seems so “obvious” to anyone that I was deliberately trying to “rub salt” on her wounds. I also saw her travel pics and her going to the US once she graduated(?) and her generally not being poor. So I didn’t think it would offend anyone at all, if I did indeed write that to compare the two films. To my mind they were separate things, the Fincher film is _obviously_ better than the homegrown one to some because they like the aesthetic, actors, script, etc. etc. better than the one from the original country. The original name of that book was “Men Who Hate Women.” I had justified reasons to hate people but I hated women more than men, because I was straight and wanted men to like me, but did not care if women liked me. I feel “lonely” in the sense that it is primarily envy that I am not sharing anything with anyone. I don’t know if mimetic theory is useful in this way, to “pressure” me to “upgrade* and try to make myself friendly. Because to me right now, it all feels hollow. Why bother? Why bother indeed? Why bother trying to build “real” things when everyone knows everything about me? I have no secrets. I have nothing valuable. Everyone knows who I am, everyone has “stock” in my head. Everyone lives in my head. It’s “functionally” the same if a really beautiful woman _unintentionally_ walked by me and caused me harm. And it feels like ok, I can see. But then it had been repetitive. I could not switch it off. Like all these older women, so aghast at my behavior, like I had been with Kim Quito’s pictures, decided it was okay to ruin me. I would much rather work with numbers. — New plan for Queen’s Gambit wannabe - fill magic vegetable capsules unevenly so I will not know which capsule has more or less armodafinil. Always believe I am taking 37.5 mg. Take two for 75mg. Take 4 for the whole 150 full tab. Even though inevitably some will contain maybe 5mg or 10mg only. I think placebo effect is gonna make up for some of the uneveness. Basically, belief makes up for what chemical will not. Mindset + matter. I do not believe outright placebos work 100% of the time, hence in statistical studies it only shows a marginal or average difference. I think this will save money, immediate aftereffects/body damage, and long-term health while not sacrificing positive effect hopefully. I might create my own personalized drug/stack in the future. ∆ Go on nootropics reddit soon. — What did I ever do to Anne Escolano that they decided to do this to me? Is she schizophrenic? Did I offend her in my behavior in CW 101? I remember her getting angry at me or something I said, “It’s just sex,” about my talking about Ralph in class(?). Was that the point when they decided to hack me then? I remember spooky things in common, like the girl who also read Reddit nosleep stories. And Sir Paolo’s knowing about GTD. Are they just pissed at me because they think I am privileged? Is this what prof. audrey feels? Anne got angry in CW101 class. I got angry in CW110. There was this less-privileged girl in my Chinese 12-13 girl, I am not sure why, in the chat she said, “wet lang” for “wait lang.” WTF. What am I supposed to think. There was a guy in that class who looked like Ralph. Spookily like Ralph. So indeed, I was not hacked. They got a lookalike who looks like him to be in my Chinese class. Why? They even got a lookalike of Prof. Audrey (a younger student) in the library and I went to her after I saw sir falgui smiling while walking into the faculty reading room. Then of course, of course, I was not hacked. He really went to Berkeley. HE WAS INSIDE THE STUDY LOUNGE. HE WAS SITTING THERE. A STUDENT EVEN MOCKED ME AND MY INACTION IN THE KHALEB RESTO AT UPD. I AM NOT INSANE. — Just realized something. I will probably have to sell the Playboy mag I didn’t open. It’s not for me anyway. And anyway, it’s unfair to any guy I might meet in the future for me to be “alpha-widowed.” I will not stalk prof. Falgui and prof. Mirasol. Although I will be looking at herr doktor professor damnable cracker. It’s the porn problem i am dealing with. It will be impersonal insofar as I do not have divine knowledge of whether or not that account is his. I think I stalked him and her again just yesterday because I just had so much emotions from the Everything, Everywhere, All At Once movie. And it’s just a high. A superstimulus high that I happened to see his tweet a mere two hours after he posted the Hamilton quote. I know it’s not personal at all. I am so invested in this story that I can’t detach myself completely. So I think only looking at Herr Doktor Professor Damnable Cracker is the way to go. It’s the only account that I didn’t look at yesterday out of fear. It’s witchcraft if I try to do the Francis freemen whatever. Trying to control reality through some gnosis method(?). Maybe moderation really is God’s virtue. For some reason I think this is why Prof. Mirasol is more mature than me in this regard. She is more capable of tolerating eye-wandering behavior not only because she is also a “visual” woman but also because she might be less insecure than me. God looks at the heart more, and He did say that whatever you do not do out of faith He will not accept. So if say, it bothers me and conflicts with my conscience yet I still do it, it means I am not acting in faith, and therefore I am sinning. Because to test God’s will means determining according to your own, and with guidance and correction, the perfect will of God. — Wow China is really leading in this entertainment representation out-domination plot. Turning Red “witchcraft.” EEAAO. All those big-name studios who work with US movie companies. Now’s probably a good time to learn it. Like in Mr. Robot, all these hackers were bilingual both in English and Chinese. White Rose the transwoman was Chinese. Though she got assassinated. — From being ultra-productive in the past few days to these days starting Saturday, I am so hypodepressed because I think I finished the EEAAO movie on Saturday/Sunday. Anyway, wee hours into the night. I finished that movie and then I saw his Hamilton tweets. Because I just had to see more emotions. Feel more emotions. I don't know but that movie did a number on me. That movie was so sad to me. I thought, what possibly could make me even sadder? So lo and behold, I went to Prof. Audrey's profile first and I don't know if it's spooky or not. And maybe I'm throwing statistic after statistic but it's all pointless because I wouldn't know at all no matter how close I am. And then I went to their Twitters. And then just a mere two hours after he tweeted the Hamilton, I saw it. How could I not be any more sad? What am I supposed to feel now? EEAAO was a masterclass at creating superstimuli. I want to copy it so that the future children are immunized from tech by billionaire corporations. I want my five-year-old self to be a kid with such a great set of friends and imagination and spiritual foundation and respect for God so that when the inevitable happens, they will handle deconstructive Christianity with grace.