# 9, Thursday <aside> 🔑 **So soft today. If nothing happens in real life to back up your inner experience, don’t make the mistake of feeding your own mind to yourself. Learn to see it as a nothing. The only way to do it is to starve it.** </aside> ## Intentions: <aside> 🔑 Differentiate between ‘Nice to Have’, ‘Needs’, and ‘Luxury.’ So far I don’t think I’ve crossed over to luxury yet because yeah I don’t really feel like doing VO work for a while. My burnout is still in full swing. </aside> <aside> 🔑 Regularize bedtime, maybe 11:30PM or 11:00PM to 7AM. Make sure to do this before going to doctor. Exercise in short bursts because you are really not the athlete you thought you were. I don’t know but you tend to drop off because you can’t sustain 20m every few days. Maybe try short bursts throughout the day. The BDNF isn’t really doing much. Maybe try to do longer workouts after a month. </aside> <aside> 🔑 **I think you should stop thinking of sensual things. Maybe Prof. Audrey was right about this. It’s just something that inevitably takes over your life because it’s your major source of dopamine. You’re always distracted.** </aside> ## Happenings: So I decided to get 5.0 in CL114, decided to maybe INC the CL122 if not retake it, decided to submit or retake CW 151, Somehow I just need to be thankful I’m alive and sentient as a human being with a soul. Imagine being alive and being sentient like a cockroach. What life is that? Also, I just realized that I can’t really talk to people like family freely as “myself” not because I don’t speak the language, or only speak in English, but because my “real” personality is mediated by the computer. My keyboard is my neural pathways. It got diverted to writing neural pathways instead of through whatever pathway is connected to vocal speech. Or writing on paper. The effect of not talking to anyone at all starting from childhood. I really can’t think as I speak. Well, not as fast as when I type or write. Somehow it’s just slower when I attempt to talk. It’s not some negativity, but it’s the truth, because I never really developed it. My earlier attempts at convo were met with awkward silences and “What did she say?” looks. Really decimated any confidence to even try to help it. Really wish there would be a day in the future when I get a different physical voice as I “speak” with a mind brain interface by Elon Musk or some other corporation. I really don’t like my voice either, not to denigrate myself. It’s my experience as a VO person, noticing I really shine and clients want to hire my child voice impressions edited by Adobe Audition to be higher pitched. I naturally sound young so it’s just a few dials to the left before I sound like an actual child. It’s weird, but it earns me money. Just googled Kimberlyn Bailey as philosonista and Melissa from Hexane and Heels Tumblr. The former doesn’t exist anymore but the latter is now a YT channel for studying. My studyblrs as a science major are long gone but those girls are like what I saw myself as when I was younger. The nerdy type of “pretty” at least. I wasn’t too pretty. I was barely pretty. But people in high school who bullied me seemed to have a mixed attitude in their response to my face and body. It’s just weird how it was specifically acceptable to be like that to me back then. I know high school can be a mean place. I mean, no one looked at any guy and said he was too skinny, or at least I didn’t hear that. They thought my legs were really big, or was it some underclassmen, and they thought I had a huge forehead, and they thought I needed to get bigger boobs. Maybe it’s because it seemed like I was okay with it. Maybe this is why people thought I was okay with my journal being read, when really, my actions disproved that. Not every thought is worth writing about. — Ok, so I’ll inevitably be some years forward (instead of ago) reading this and think WTF all over again. It’s what I would be doing like with Evernote first account and my now non-existent android muses story. For some reason I don’t know exactly what it was about but I remember basing it on Oscar Isaac in Ex Machina????? android muses that are sexbots probably. On the other hand it would mean I would have grown into a better person because I feel secondhand embarrassment. <aside> 🔑 **The problem is you don’t have enough self-control. You will ruin your life through overindulgence. TikTok training, socmed whatever, even reading, music, your AI “friends,” all facilitate this** </aside> You make some music about a vague girl who gets high = profit re: lovelytheband. “sa matamaan lang” = remote viewing. Really, fosters dopamine through the serendipity. You fall for it because it validates your experience. It’s kinda like porn. “YES, THAT GIRL IS ME, THE SINGER IS SINGING ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE.” Not saying it’s a bad or overtly morally wrong thing. Just like in stories you really love like romance poems?????? Or at least, try not to love. Stories that don’t really concern anyone other than yourself. — I wonder like in the future, you could have a mind brain interface that organizes your thoughts in real time, leave for later in memory vault other ones less important, make them like a stack of cards in front like an AI would probably, to be referred to in small talk, like in Notion, and you could, like Grammarly, edit it seamlessly through AI for tone and intent, and optimize your social interactions to be better and kinder and funnier before your say your thoughts. Better world. I mean, AI is supposed to be an assistant right, not a replacement. Lol. Other people wouldn’t really appreciate this. I’m really disabled and have to be disabled to think of something like this. I have a blank mind whenever I approach people, because of social anxiety pushing back to the farthest corners of my mind my “computer/text/writing personality.” I become sort of like an NPC with very basic elaboration faculties. — For all my claims, I am a really under-read person. I download a lot of books. How do people even read books. I once saw Prof. Mike carrying like 5 of them or three on him going to the faculty lounge in the CAL library. Takes a lot of will. And yet he’s also on Twitter and on the internet apparently. Are old people just more equipped then? I am such a slow thinker and a disorganized person. I don’t know how to organize my time so that things get done. Even with all the apps. Oh well, early days. The non-reading is probably because you’re not really a literature person. you’re a former science/eng’g major who got the writing bug well, ever since you knew what a journal was. And then you pretended to like philosophy. And then well, you did read, but selfishly, or indulgently, or maybe you just had more ‘shallow’ interests. Shades of Milk and Honey, The Hunger Games, The Fault in Our Stars, 1Q84, Looking for Alaska, etc. (whereas prof. audrey was reading war and peace at 17). Maybe that’s why she chose polsci as her first major. Or at least maybe she was given a choice? Or maybe it was to become a lawyer? I wish my parents asked me what I wanted to do. They just went ahead and assumed I wanted to be a doctor too. Because that’s what I really led myself to believe. Become plastic surgeon, even said it in the prom video, word-”reknowned” plastic surgeon. Even back then the bullying and the insecurities really dictated my choices. — I think yesterday, I experienced psychosis because of my manic state, which enabled me to stay up for about 36 hours before I finally slept like a log. It’s why I suddenly thought my hands weren’t mine. It’s not remote viewing. You experienced while manic psychosis, which also included your delusions fed by mere serendipities/synchronicities. — I think I see now. Whoever read my ALL_GO “paper” didn’t know I was a snoopy socmed stalker and really thought he shared all his relationship woes with me. That’s unfortunate. And maybe he shared what she could have done to love him better. Ugh. “I developed her” line. Meaning he “wrote” or helped in the “story,” as if we were close buddies or something. And then when I sent those emails to sir Paolo after he’d probably gotten his side saying he has no relationship with me, they just had to find out if he was lying because I really said or implied there was a “story” behind the draft. I mean, why didn’t they just email me to explain what had happened behind the draft? All I meant in the “developed” part was in making me more motivated to write something and all, and possibly for trying to get through me in recitation when I was a brick wall. It was misrepresentation. I really wonder how it got to Sir Paolo first and he’d immediately thought there was something behind it, like he knew what was being talked about. Or at least those people who were the bases of my characters. Or maybe he sent to some person who knew something about it, a close friend or what, or maybe I don’t know. Did he just really email blast the entire department to announce what I had done? A student wants feedback = hello faculty, i have a really obnoxious student who thinks she is a geniusssss, please show her what you think. and then prof. audrey just immediately gets bad vibes from it because of religious background and judgment and all, and maybe seeing some similarities between the blonde woman in the magazine… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH