# 8, Wednesday # [healthline.com](http://healthline.com) **What is depersonalization disorder?** Depersonalization disorder is a mental health condition that’s now formally known as depersonalization-derealization disorder (DDD). This updated name reflects the two major issues people with DDD experience: - **Depersonalization** affects how you relate to yourself. It can make you feel as if you aren’t real. - **Derealization** affects how you relate to other people and things. It can make you feel like your surroundings or other people aren’t real. Together, these issues can leave you feeling distanced or disconnected from yourself and the world around you. 12:03AM i am unwell and really really really really realspooked Depersonalization symptoms include: - **feeling like you’re outside your body, sometimes as if you’re looking down on yourself from above i just was literally talking about remote viewing being a Holy Spirit manifestation and I can’t tell if it’s God or demons. Well it is my body reacting to something. Else why would i suddenly go out of myself** - feeling detached from yourself, as if you have no actual self - **figurative way** - numbness in your mind or body, as if your senses are turned off - no - **feeling as if you can’t control what you do or say** - **feeling as if parts of your body are the wrong size - just literally happened with hands.** - difficulty attaching emotion to memories - no bc i don’t know emotion attached to memories means. i think i am good at describing what i feel. i just really forget long-term memories. possibly because i’ve offloaded them to this journal and i can’t upload all of it to my brain which is why i am looking forward to brain mind interface chip. brain lost ability to retain autobiographic information. Derealization symptoms include: - having trouble recognizing surroundings or finding your surroundings hazy and almost dreamlike - feeling like a glass wall separates you from the world — you can see what’s beyond but can’t connect - feeling like your surroundings aren’t real or seem flat, blurry, too far, too close, too big, or too small - **experiencing a distorted sense of time — the past may feel very recent, while recent events feel as if they happened long ago** **ok false alarm: 12:06 i found out i can do it if i space out and stare at my hands. It’s just weird I just discovered this just now even as I always space out already. I can turn it on and off only when i put my hands on my keyboard and not on the table. that’s really weird. something to think about later.** 12:11AM : I seem to have lost the ability to do it. lol. for a few minutes my hands really felt like they were not mine. — the argument that if something agrees with what Scripture has already said, it’s unnecessary. or am i remembering it right? — 12:14AM: i can do it again????????? WHAAW weird quirk but what does this mean God? i am like Takashi Kovacs or was it some other character looking at the mirror — why are all these mental illnesses being “unlocked” in my head???????????????????? wtf I just literally listened to Future Starts Slow by The Kills and moonlight is just there. The hands. Your story lol. the piano’s there in the prison, but you can’t use it, and you find peace without your hands as you hear the tune of your love story. that piece you played at acacia res hall. their temporary CAL Faculty office after the fire. moonlight story as in french “clair de lune” aka the Frenchman Francis. Why Francis WHY?? WHY FRANCIS. FREEMAN Francis. St. Francis. half-French John character. idk i don’t remember if i added the bit about french after the fact of discovery of st. francis or before. at this point who knows how events influence each other. i don’t remember how if the forrest university of promising young woman influenced the forest i randomly thought of. I also don’t care to know when or what event. future event influences past event and then it reflects into the present/middle. hm. bye i really have no self-control. Using certain drugs may also cause symptoms very similar to those of DDD in some people. These drugs include: - hallucinogens - MDMA - ketamine - salvia - marijuana — ok so to support my idea of event from future to past like i literally renamed my fb account to kwrdy youayopee as the first row of keys on keyboard. what does this even have to do with first row? is this some sort of reference from my future self to cinema? first row or front row seats? or frontrow the MLM. or cinema my dream that was so real to me and yet i woke up feeling relief. like he hadn’t actually gotten a student pregnant. and i felt like i was a student and a wife at the same time. and probably prof. audrey felt like this when she called my parents or when my parents answered the phone call. and also she probably felt really bad and sad like me in her tweet about evil which i assumed was about me. and then i think i was really defensive when i saw that but really guilty and wanted to tell her about how i only said those words in front of her in rodics which i don’t clearly remember but i only remember how i had a feeling of him showing up somewhere to tell me it was not real, how i expected him to show up to maybe make things better. how i said he would listen to me making her think she was being cheated on because she didn’t expect him to get over her so quickly or more quickly than her, when in reality it was really just recitation in class, which he did to everybody, the “listen to [insert name]” and he also really liked Jed because he was actually able to talk in that class. or maybe i really did make her think i got into his car somehow. i feel like this is more important than my INCs. yet i have obligations. i am front row seats to the input from spiritual realm, if there is a war. Of course there’s always a war. the best part is that people no longer think spirits are real increasingly as we improve technologically. the tech is able to copy spiritual things like identity, biology, etc. Maybe i am being too whatever the word is for biological reductionism, or maybe i’m right? research. This is why you should finish school. why should i like science fiction? maybe as a side interest, but what really grates at my brain is where the ghosts are. the unseen. even if i can’t really experience them like actual horror like phantoms with vengeances or something. Try to see if your posts on facebook contain some psychodynamic thingamajigs. maybe the demon nun? Valak? WHAT. the science guy with theology alister mcgrath. and now i can’t really not notice my hands doing it again. my hands seem bigger than usual. that’s it. i am staring at the screen and not the keyboard, and my hands …. it’s not man hands. it’s just different from when i’m noticing them out of the male gaze and insecurity. IS THIS MY MIRRORED STORY???????? I CAN”T STOP DOING IT IT”S JUST SO WEIRD. perception is weird. HAVE I BECOME CANDIDO?????????????????????????????? well well well lookie here larger than life character other people also experience this probably. stop being special snowflake. —degrees of griefbacon or some other?? —i am just overwhelmed right now at trying to process my hands. perhaps God is saying joking about trinity isn’t right. maybe it was wrong to stalk his insta and instigate whatever the fuck i decided to do. maybe it is unforgivable to deny the Holy Spirit’s work. It concerns humanity facing off with its own creation, one it cannot be prepared to handle. i should try not to blame them at all. lol with the future influencing the past and all—> it’s like i led him to either going crazy trying to find audrey porn, if he hasn’t been told already by some pick me, boy or girl, or going after the real thing—audrey herself. well he already got baptized at her church. my old self “knew” this was gonna happen so i do things in the future that i know will pass the portal wormhole pathway to send vibes to my younger self even tho i had no clue what i had done, at least unconsciously. SEND VIBES IS NEW AGE BULLSHIT. THIS kinda rings of new age but it’s only because i have no math language. what and how do i even tell the difference. nothing has come before this or it’s unprecedented that i will have to use writing and math people can try to get my ideas translated into their own. like i dont currently have means to be theoretical physicist. armchair philosopher? ```fsharp DO NOT WRITE HERE UNTIL AFTER JUNE 10 ``` <aside> 💡 no. really: dry skin, itchy skin, edema in legs, unexplained fatigue, inability to concentrate, possible kidney disease, u can’t really deny you have a psychosomatic illness of some sort that has all negative symptoms, at least the really chronic bad ones borne from artifice or accident. **the body keeps the score book. it’s weird how perception really dictates my body’s reactions. why is this input so overwhelming? i consistently have attention problems. it’s already permanent as if i didn’t even delete tiktok a long time ago. it’s the porn brain. it’s the trauma and retrauma, it’s your brain trying to rationalize pain into feeling good, which takes a lot of time. no really, despite all my grand dreams and delusions, i cannot ignore reality, and my body is confused. my hands are tired. polarity between male and female energy, and i am neither. relationships between two people romantically are designed by God to show something of how His unity works with the Trinity. my perception of myself is undefinable. imagine if God the Father told you He was Father, and then the next, He’s actually Jesus now, when they’re both separate Persons who are all still God. Need to study actual Trinity and stop with this beauty because this is making your body unhealthy. you need physical health to be productive cognitively. wtf is it man.** </aside> pass 141 requirement. june 10. Retake CL122. Retake CL114. take NSTP midyear. — i remember this isaiah lee guy from MBB who was in compsci just because, not because he was trying to earn a degree? how did i get that info? why was he so capable of being excellent despite being possibly autistic or maybe he is? also luigi del rosario. autistic kid. made it through college. they are both male. they are supposed to be worse off than me because i’m supposed to be a more social-oriented autistic because now female autistics are just different in that way and can pass better. but now in UP in my case it’s the opposite. why comspci? is it because they had good schools? is it because they were rich? probably. my head is spinning right now and i feel really sick. i can hear my own heartbeat that is not too fast to be of concern but fast enough more than usual. why is it that i am in neither what anything or anyone is willing to validate. my bipolar probably is false to people because they think i just got really angry. even i think that way sometimes as i literally became a monster in this pandemic. — Retake CW 151. — derealization still happening 2:00AM and it’s not fascinating anymore and it’s causing me to panic. heart still doing that thing. it’s so fucking i can’t even describe it in my elevated state of what may be mania. what is happening to me???????????????????????? <aside> 💡 —**you literally have to arm yourself with Bible knowledge against what you are being forced to experience by spiritual realm. —YOU WILL NEED TIME TO GET YOUR HABITS TOGETHER. EVEN WITH YOUR TRAUMA. READ ATOMIC HABITS. I WILL NEED TIME TO RECOVER AS WELL AS TO FIND OUT.** </aside> huh blinked and then poof 2:10AM — depersonalization - you aren’t real - felt this emotionally but wouldn’t know if i just felt it figuratively or in the real disorder way derealization - other people and surroundings are not real - never really felt this literally like in the disorder way, but in the figurative way — The “OHMYGOSH THOSE ARE NOT MY HANDS” and CLAIR DE LUNE. WTF is the significance? — read incerto and actually read what robust means. does it apply to psychology? am i an idiot for thinking i was a cuckquean? i get it. it was not with my consent. backread everything. even the evernote ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh literally a rat they made you into a rat. -i used depersonalization in the 199 — cycle to prevent dopamine waning in marriage. ppl spice it up with whatever kinks they want to explore. ppl will literally have “skins” in the future. or VR. just put on this character and we can fuck online. to preserve illusion of novelty. keep marriage pure in modern era lol. — hands are all i see right now. it’s moved past the keyboard. i don’t have to space out to even do it because it’s just a filter that got adapted for no reason at all. there is a physical manifestation in your eyes. your brain and eyes connection literally. you are actually seeing things that you didn’t think you were capable of experiencing. i thought i would never be one of those people, not that i’m saying something bad about their brains, but i just thought i could not relate to them and their physical delusion. i am so terrified. i think i am really just surprised because this does not come from insecurity over its man-handedness and not being dainty and feminine. it’s the fact that they feel like they are not mine. something is trying to control my body. trying to possess me. oh my gosh at least God gave me a bigger problem now aside from beauty research. — have not slept since waking up on june 7 morning. awake for 31 hours. feel really tired but not quite sleepy. — haven’t slept in 36 hours. no coffee at all since i woke up today nor moda — yeah maybe he thought i was testing him when in reality i just didn’t feel comfortable borrowing the comic. i put “heteronormative’ in an exam answer and a few days after he brought up a comic with tristan and isolde as genderbent characters. and a student in AAL out of context twitter did say that he said ‘i knew this topic is something you can relate to.” i really thought he thought i was a lesbian. and also the “wife of bath likes the clerk but doesn’t like all her former husbands because he out-dominates her” exam answer. AND OH MY GOSH. i really forgot. i put… “sexually exciting” or something. UGHHHHHHHHH IWANT THE GROUND TO CRUMBLE UNDERNEATH ME. like i literally wasn’t trying to manipulate him into giving me high grades but i just put that there for some dumb hedon reason. why couldn’t i just have put “attractive” to minimize association with me? and then he tries to HE LITERALLY TRIES TO OUTDO ME. i think. or i don’t know. in the last exam. it’s like he knew i wasn’t going to read the poem he was going to put in the exam anyway because it was already a poem in the syllabus or something the class took up. because he said “it’s a new poem” not discussed in class or in syllabus by [author]. and then i just looked in confusion at the question because i really had no clue what to put. and then i look up at him and he was reading a book and i don’t know if he was smiling because of the book or because he knew. it’s like he was playing DND or something. sure i can pretend it’s just harmless fun for him probably because he might not think i’m attractive. but i think i realized this unconsciously in 2018. why was he trying to avoid my looking at him when my ears perked up when he brought up religion and islam and he just automatically looks away and smiles at the window to the side and says gnosticism and another word i don’t remember. i thought he wanted to talk and know about religion or something when he repeatedly asked the class. he probably thought i was stupid when i said ‘atonement’ and johnny said absolution. and my “humor” answer to a question that obviously could not have included that??????? how embarrassing. i think this all started when i really answered that wife of bath answer which was number 4. and of course it had just been coincidence that i already pre-answered it in my notebook as i had prepared and was just about to copy it. and then that number turned out to be his exam question number 4 also. and how i wanted to think he liked me better because he was looking at me from the side/back when i was answering my exam. i think this is only because he thought i was a second degree student. like prof. audrey. of course. “i used to be in compsci” when he asked in recitation about courses? and how i seemed to have no undergrad friends meant that i was older but young looking. LOL. hurts now to think about. i was just a stupid delayed idiot. and of course, of course, he inevitably starts to look at your body. he thinks you’re a former compsci student = assoc. with anne ivy, now in CAL possibly because i know about “suspension of disbelief” in recit. so it’s okay to him that he’s considering you as a sex partner. i don’t like my body. i don’t know what he thinks. i just think he’s not thinking because he talks continuously and might not consciously know he is staring. why did sir paolo do that thing where he wrote about ‘everyone knows he’s corrupt’ in e is for epal? is that supposed to be alluding to his staring at students lustfully? have there been other girls who have experienced attention fuel from attractive daddy material and who have reported to the whisper network? of course sir paolo knows the whisper network. duh. it was just i was unconsciously or not, well more consciously, i think, wearing longer clothes and sitting farther from the center because i…. well, maybe i wanted to see if it was just me or if he wants to see other students in the back. and also possibly maybe yeah, because i was a little guilty about making him sin. because he literally alluded to my hands on my thigh? WHAT? like i do this thing which might be cute for him or what, i don’t know. i don’t do it deliberately. i put my hand in between my thighs. maybe prof. audrey does this too. what i was trying to articulate anyway. everything i do is potentially a pointer to her.