# 27, Monday I didn’t realize moving tasks would be so time-consuming. - [ ] = Come up with solution soon. --- 1. Seraph hvnly viz. —>cw 151 recommendation —>cw 100 something something story childtrapped inside room —>????????????? tomorrow to think about 2. ‘Extra milk’ solution and theory about future for thesis/AMoP 3. I think maybe roland?/rawl? was a ‘subconscious limbic drive’ influence because of mimetic desire. I mean he did kinda look like sabby/sebastian morado. And also kinda envy because I was copying or really ruminating how to depict lives not really my own. I felt inadequate because I was only ever writing out of my own experience like I somehow got guilty I am a narcissist or more self-absorbed than most. I felt like I had some say in it because I was like the Joseph boy character who died (he’s offspring of a poultry contract grower/relatively richer person who employs poorer people). Though I really don’t remember the phrase’s original chronological appearance in the brainstorming. 4. “Joking about unholy trinity” —> me as “Satan” being envious of the Trinity —>uncontrolled thinking = being immodest and still being complicit to random men followers’ sin is now ok yaaaaaay jk. Ok, I wasn’t too sure about being watched by other people. Now I am 99% sure. I am just not sure who is watching what. Who is allowed to watch my pictures. Which is what kinda irritated me a little. I will not be able to take pictures of my body anymore, like when I “posted” that pic of me in Daylio. When I really think about it, it is my fantasy-feeding “hormone” spiking causing imaginary “what if” scenarios. “Hm, maybe he would accept me as I am” feeling. 5. Inevitably no imagination can quite capture what hell is like. I mean, I have a suspicion that people look to me not only as a… Jesus pointer (John the Baptist forerunner, you know, because I literally live in Nazareth… this idea is from the book Ordering Your Private World—we must be like John the Baptist), but also as a way to survive hell. As in, wow, when we get to hell, maybe we might get used to it. It’s a lull. 6. Maybe heaven is really extremely not what I would expect. I mean God is God, after all. His ways are not our ways. If aliens are already so unimaginably different from us and awe-inspiring like Chthulu or other eldritch horror or the heptapods in Arrival, imagine what the God of the magnificent universe is like… More than our theories of the sublime probably. More than any kind of human wisdom is capable of producing. I mean, can you imagine, why would God allow us even to glimpse directly anything related to His Being (we would not be able to because God’s “consciousness” or “interiority” may be so different, like, we only call it “consciousness” or “interiority” or “soul” or “personality,” but those are just words we assigned to a concept, and maybe God’s [whatever kuan lol] is not even countable or containable [He is everywhere and nowhere and He is in you if you believe in Him]… He is a Person to us only because like in Avatar the Airbender the creepy spider face creature who steals faces, He may choose to make metaphors for “Father” and use that not in a metaphorical sense, not really, but in a quasi “mimic” sense. Like in my pseudo bipolar pseudo ADD???)? For all we know it’s so sublime and scary pala all “beneath the hood” or behind the “mask” of “Father” “Son” and “Holy Ghost.” God is literally simplifying things for us because He knows we will never be able to understand Him completely. We can’t even understand things or barely understand things in the solar system or our own planetary neighborhood, which are His creations. How would He expect anyone to understand Him at all?????????? 7. Yet He is everywhere and nowhere to be found and He cares about us. Our technology is crude compared to Him. We cannot comprehend God in His entirety, although if you go the divinity and quantum mysticism route and have your brain be exercised in the way the rigor demands, it will make you appreciate who God is, as if you are triangulating Him from all directions and angles and routes to get a very rough outline or “sketch” (but of course, with our fallen minds, not exact). I would really like to go that route and translate back what they are saying. Maybe if it becomes “decentralized” and people get a “simplified” version, maybe more good things will happen. *ok so the Face Stealer character is called Koh in Avatar the Last Airbender ## Happenings: Ok so I woke up blah feeling, didn’t eat lunch at all except for … a brown sweet delicacy i forgot the name my family brought. I decided to sort through my index cards of the various applications of MMM so far?? I think I have them organized. Anyway, so now my right foot just hurts because I have two semi blisters from HIIT. What I did was that thing that Manny Pacquiao does with a punching bag and punching it really fast, but I was punching the air and my back was at a 45 degree angle so I was really punching the air so fast while doing that thing that footballers do in training with their feet, like really fast running or…I can’t describe it right now. I am referring to footballer drill scene in Through My Window where the girl protagonist stares at the dude’s abs while he does the really fast foot work during training. My tiles were cutting into my right foot so now I have two blister/sores. Better use elbow pads to cushion. So I was doing that for 30 seconds at a time and rest for 10 seconds and gradually increased 45/15. HIIT or high intensity interval training. I think I read somewhere it’s good for the brain? Anyway my exercise minutes says 37 minutes and I feel really good about that but I only did the HIIT about 30-33 minutes because I was warming up to Daft Punk by flailing around and doing random jerky movements. <aside> 🔑 **I was basically running on an empty stomach but I took coffee and 37.5 armodafinil. Maybe if I do this something will happen to my brain. I didn’t do exercise yesterday. I can feel my period coming and it’s sore down there but I managed to override that. It’s possible pala. YOU CAN BE THE ATHLETE!!!!!!!! I don’t know how I just decided like ok, I really do not want to exercise right now but I know it will bring me long-term good health and brain boosts I will have no way of predicting or even fathoming down the line.** </aside> Ok so I am misremembering that scene but the footwork is really fast running. I need to find more footwork drills. The men in shirts in the movie were doing footwork and the guy she was interested in was doing other things like pushups and sit-ups. It’s like my brain once again chunked the scene when I remembered it?????????? WTF????? I did this yesterday. I mean, mom showed me pic of sister and me and Am-am somewhere Chinese-y. I said Singapore or China because I don’t know. Like really I would confuse the two because I don’t remember anything from my travels. I don’t even associate what I wore with the place and I only ever recall feeling poor when I travel. WTF??? <aside> 🔑 **METACOGNITION: YOUR BRAIN COMBINES OR CHUNKS INFORMATION? I’VE HAD ENOUGH EXPERIENCES WHERE THIS HAS CAUSED ME TO KINDA MAKE THINKING ERRORS. WHAT KIND OF INFORMATION THOUGH? SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. ALSO, YOU FORGOT YOU HAD ZOMBIES RUN INSTALLED IN 2021? WHY? I THOUGHT I INSTALLED IT SOMETIME REALLY FAR BACK IN THE PAST AND WHICH I DID NOT USE? I DON’T RECALL USING IT AT ALL. YET IN EMAIL THE VERIFICATION LINK WAS FROM APRIL 2021.** </aside> <aside> 🔑 **HIIT EXERCISE: YOU WILL THANK YOURSELF. YOUR PSYCHIATRIST FROM 2017 (FORGOT HIS NAME BUT HE’S FROM NKTI QUEZON CITY) REALLY RECOMMENDED HIIT TO YOU BECAUSE OF BDNF. BRAIN-DERIVED NEUROTROPHIC FACTOR. SOMETHING ABOUT “HELPING EXISTING NEURONS SURVIVE AND ENCOURAGING GROWTH AND DIFFERENTIATION OF NEW NEURONS AND SYNAPSES!!!!” (WIKI) . YOU WILL NEED VERY LITTLE ARMODAFINIL TO SAVE YOUR LIVER IN CASE IT DOES DAMAGE LONG-TERM TO SOME IMPORTANT ORGAN!!!!!!!** </aside> Ok so this video somewhat looks like what I do/did with HIIT with punching the air and footwork [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZTRUVLjGzI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZTRUVLjGzI) So the In and Out drill in the video is exactly/mostly/alternately what I do, but faster. Maybe my heart rate going up 207 beats isn’t healthy always. Maybe it’s ok to shock it once in a while. It’s… wait. I doubt I can keep doing this more than twice a week though. Maybe I can steadily increase it. My feet blistering is proof I haven’t really walked anywhere since pandemic started. Or maybe it’s just the tiles and the force of my impact running in place (I am 54 kg as an average). I wonder what the equivalent of this is with mental rigor. Like I really need to work on reading that mental models book. Ok so you did 0 exercise yesterday. You did 37 minutes today and your heart rate went up 207. You also took 37.5 armodafinil. So when I decided to rewatch Through My Window scene with “female gaze” it didn’t really do anything for me even though that guy kinda looks like an idealized Sir Falgui. Weird. Maybe after I exercise there is less propensity to have your heart rate go up by visual stimuli because it had been raised beforehand to 207 and also because your brain is currently endorphinized? Exercise releases endorphins. Maybe there’s no room for more dopamine transmitters to do the thing they do when they see [sexual stimuli]. Body thinks, “I just ran from a 50-foot dinosaur, I do not have energy to mate right now. I need water and food and rest.” Immunity from… the porn. - [ ] =FOR THESIS? UM, if you want you could kinda experiment on your own body? Possible interesting research. Work out if this helps or hurts the Coolidge effect because possibly the rat that got exposed to new female rat after mating with its former partner was rejuvenated and how could this be? If say, you want to lessen risk of being tempted so you have sex with your partner in the morning before you two go out into the world. Partner is “high” from sex hormones like oxytocin, endorphins also, and the opioids(?). They also get their heart rate raised. But then they get exposed to new people and then they get rejuvenated and ‘ready to go again’ just like the rat? Exercise in my case just attenuated capacity to be turned on by visual stimuli. I have been porn and masturbation free for about 9 days now. I literally am supposed to be so “on” but after exercise and showering and seeing that scene, even replaying it, did nothing. OMG I AM RIGHT? [https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19541319/sex-drive-and-exercise/](https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19541319/sex-drive-and-exercise/) “This shows that the men who trained the hardest or for the longest were significantly more likely to report a lower libido. Intense exercise training may spark a condition called “exercise hypogonadal male condition,” which occurs when the hormones testosterone and luteinizing hormone are suppressed, the researchers say. It’s also possible that increased volumes of intense exercise can lead to both physical and mental fatigue, which can cut your desire and motivation for sex.” “Still, it’s important to note that the study was done on men who already exercised—prior research has shown that increasing physical activity may actually boost testosterone levels for sedentary men. (Find out [what happens when your body is low on testosterone](https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19533454/effects-of-low-testosterone/).)” -so I am not sedentary I just had a few days off? “The problem, then, seems to be going too hard for too long. For example, 15 percent of guys in the study who exercised for more than 10 hours a week had a low libido, compared to just 2 percent of men who exercise for 4 to 6 hours.” So a brachiosaurus is about 50 feet tall. Must be so scary. - [ ] Math symbols logic set theory and others really fascinating learn for memory methods and mental models improvement [https://www.rapidtables.com/math/symbols/Logic_Symbols.html](https://www.rapidtables.com/math/symbols/Logic_Symbols.html) Ok why do I need to wall of text every email in the past? Hello Prof. Ong, I would like to say that I have a valid excuse for not submitting the last two requirements on time, but what's been happening to me these past few days/weeks is hard to describe. In past classes, I have attributed this inability to keep myself to a regular schedule and discipline to my disabilities, which are varied and difficult to predict because of their relation to my moods, past traumatic experiences, and executive dysfunction. I have also chosen the asynchronous options and have not attended the Google meets because I have a speech/verbal disability related to the negative symptoms of my disorder and untreated anxiety. On top of this, I notice that it takes me a lot longer to complete my assignments because I tend to overcompensate for being late and end up becoming paralyzed, which is also what is happening to me and my backlogs of INCs and my other class's requirements that have snowballed and have overwhelmed me. I have been an undergraduate Creative Writing student for 4-5 years, a Computer Science major for 2 years, and a Biology major for 1 year, and I sometimes wonder why I have not developed like a typical UP student who graduates on time and doesn't need special accommodations. At the same time, at the age of 24, I sometimes feel pressured to act as if I am a master's student (one of my friends from HS is in Taiwan studying Chinese, the other is at UST doing a master's in psychology, people I kind of underestimated are in law school/med school/have businesses of their own, and countless adult figures I look up to are doing well academically and professionally), and I often do not consider deadlines to be as important as they should be because I unconsciously believe that the quality of my work should make up for my lateness and lack of efficiency and time management, and perhaps this is to make up for all the subpar writing and papers that I have submitted in the past that I did not put much effort in. I apologize if this has inconvenienced you in any way and thank you for understanding. I have submitted the feedback for Ice Victoria's poem today, but I can only finish the close reading and analysis sometime early this week. I am also worried that I come across as overly pedantic and a try-hard in my analyses, and I sometimes cannot tell if I am being genuinely helpful in my critiques of my classmates' work, or if I am trying too hard to be a comparative literature student and maybe my comments are not really practical. Because I believe that there is always a purpose or many purposes that are actually intended by an author that are recoverable by a reader or editor, even if the author's vision is clouded or obstructed by the limitations of a single human mind, and my wish is to have that author's vision be polished and be without the 'noise' (I do not subscribe to Barthes's idea of "death of the author" and believe that it's just a function or matter of time, no matter how long, before a text's true or "distilled" purposes can be recovered depending on how the author and readers interact and reconstruct it through many rounds of versions, publications, etc.), I have imagined myself as this textual editor that can make a work's argument (since I believe the work always has a true purpose) stronger by eliminating pitfalls such as the author not being completely aware of connotations, denotations, turns of phrase, conventions, etc., and maybe I could approximate what they are trying to "do" in the text through a combination of intuition, psychology, associative inferences, logic, close reading, or other frameworks I plan to study in the future. The reason why I am so enthusiastic about getting the authorial intent right or at least lead the writer towards being conscious of what they "sound like" to me and perhaps tell them what their work seems to do, sort of like me trying to be an accurate mirror or recorder, is because I have suffered greatly for twisting things out of proportion from their "most statistically probable" meaning, simply because I am prone to delusions and escapism (especially when I was unmedicated). I also think that so much chaos in the world can be attributed to "almost right" interpretations and conclusions that fail to take into account theory of mind, the author's intended or preferred audience and most importantly, why that particular audience (the counter-attack to a bad review: "if you don't like the work, then maybe you're not the target audience" implying that there is no objective standard or that the negative reviews or refutations to the echo chamber's views of the work are not worth looking at) at a particular point in time. Also, if the statement or text made by the author is "in flux" (not currently intended to have an overt purpose, but only incidental because of unknown factors in the author's life that they prefer not to be examined because the statement reflects their own unexamined biases or value system, but will probably be revealed as time goes on if they publish more work or grow as individuals). I also think that the "accuracy versus precision" principles can be applied to how literature works: the writer's intended meaning, the reader's critique that may or may not be accurate in relation to the writer's intentions, and how precise the various interpretations are in relation to each other. **I am also developing a theory that says an author is not 100% aware of the complete purposes, established to the full by an unobserved, unconscious, and infinitely complex and uncontainable soul and free will, purposes that only an all-knowing Intelligent Creator who knows every thought, action, and purpose can adequately magnify, and at the end of our lives, will judge these and possibly, all the results springing from the deed: "God will bring everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad." Secrets that we often repress, deny, or unconsciously practice. I think this type of theory can be useful for an author because they will probably become more cautious and accountable. I also think that everything that happens has a cause and a reason for being there, despite the nonsensical or most absurd, so I am really interested to find out in the afterlife (or when I'm still alive), what kind of butterfly effects my work has caused no matter how insignificant such as if a particular thesis derived from my work by a future scholar becomes unconsciously adapted into their writing, which might in turn become foundational to a groundbreaking theory or idea, though it is one person (or many generations) removed from me. I know it sounds silly but it's like the desire to be descended from royalty like in Princess Diaries.** I have decided that I will go with "Lolit Mosquito Brings Terror" instead of the other story, because I think this story has more potential for critical analysis in light of the social development theory by Vygotsky and the Zone of Proximal Development + Scaffolding, as well as a psychological critique (not the intention, but what the writer has unconsciously included) of what the author thinks about dealing with tragedy and senselessness and how he constructs the story's plot (for example, why is it that the children seem to have a hand (no matter how small a part) in the disaster that is Dengue fever, as opposed to it being just a random, unexplained event like how I got Dengue in 2017 (I have no idea how or where I got it; I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time)? Could it be that the author thinks that the disease is partly caused by unchecked human activity and does this reflect some kind of worldview and is this relevant to the COVID-19 pandemic sweeping the world? Or was this just a creative way to make children see how their actions, even seemingly harmless ones, can have unpredictable consequences? I have yet to integrate this to the thesis I wrote in the "Planning Your Essay" assignment, but I will try to find a way to make it stronger using the Bedford book and more readings of the book I chose/related literature. I have also been thinking hard about what you said about my project in CL 172, which I was not able to complete, unfortunately, as I did not know what to do with the experience aside from doing a scrapbook/report full of recommendations to the effect that the government must do something about the injustice of child labor and poverty because children deserve to play and be carefree. I have attached a picture of the journal entry written about my attempt to communicate with them. In hindsight, I could have used something from my own life to relate to their experience, and maybe used their imagination by asking a question such as, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and then have them construct an ideal with my help, or point out some real-life or fictional people from stories I know that they can relate and look up to. But I was too consumed by anxiety at that time, and my own inadequate knowledge of Filipino, to really be present when I was there with them. And I also felt that she and her brother, especially, were hesitant to talk to me as well, because I was a stranger that they were not comfortable with, just like I was when I was younger and had to take a diagnostic exam for preschool with a male teacher that I did not even look in the eye or really respond to, because for some reason, I was a really shy and quiet child, lacking basic social skills, suffering from selective mutism disorder at the time, that took effect whenever I felt like I was being evaluated or judged for something. On top of the social anxiety that affected me during the session with Rizza and her brother, Mateo, was the fact that I felt like I was "ambushed" by them, because at the time, it was really bad timing, as I had literally gotten out of the shower when they came to my boarding house, and my boardmate gave me no warnings beforehand that they could come unannounced, so I was almost completely unprepared and had to think on the spot about what method or activity to use. They had actually used the word "diskarte" instead of "raket," when they told me they had to leave, and I gave them some money out of both concern and guilt, the guilt mostly stemming from the fact that I felt that the book and activities did absolutely nothing for them in terms of edification, education, or development, and also the fact that I felt a little annoyed that my boardmate did not warn me. I think learning cannot happen or it is almost impossible if the child doesn't already have some kind of prior training or even just a tiny amount of foundation from the parents, or a spark, that gets snuffed out by the urgency of hunger or fear, or both. For me, the kind of story that might hold their attention might not depend so much on the content or form, but the immediate reward that they may get, like relief from hunger or fear. I have read about the marshmallow test done on kids and they actually found out that the ability to delay gratification depends on the child's socio-economic status. I feel like poorer children might have more uncertainty that clouds their judgment hence they take the one marshmallow now instead of two marshmallows later. But the richer children usually are secure and are likely more able to do a lot of the "non-survival-mode" things. I do not currently know exactly what they would best respond to, a storytelling or teaching approach, but I think they would be very interested in the rewards, sort of how new converts of a religion often become interested in the benefits like blessings and prayers answered, or miracles, because they are desperate and (I hate to say this) vulnerable to all sorts of false ideas that may end up causing them harm. Maybe this is an application of the "scaffolding" idea that can slowly be made to increasingly challenge instead of just reward. Also, I feel that children learn best when they feel that they are in a safe environment first, the kind that is not hostile or dogmatic and that which allows them to feel that their input is welcome. Maybe they might like stories that introduce a character and an initial situation, and which allows them to influence that character's story. I feel like this is what I should have done when I did the project. When I was younger, I felt that I could not question or add anything of value to the stories I read (or maybe I am mostly generalizing from my rigid, rule-abiding behavior), because the authors are older, wiser, and often, it is implied that they are always right about everything. Back when I was still a younger college student, I really thought I missed out on critical thinking, because I was always trained with rote memory, and I ended up resenting my entire education from before I went to UP because of this, and because of the fact that I thought that the "education" I received was a joke because I thought it just trained me to be a talented robot. This was a dark period in my life when I did the complete opposite of what I was "supposed to" do and wrote nasty things that led me to even darker places. Anyway, I am really sorry this email got way too long and personal. Stay safe and enjoy the holidays as well, Prof. Ong! Thank you, Abby — 7:08PM Ok so BioLogos founder is Francis I just read before looking at email to Prof. Ong, Frances. — - [ ] So read up Evolutionary Creation — <aside> 🔑 **METACOGNITION: SO BRAIN DID IT AGAIN. YOU FAIL TO “INCLUDE” IN MEMORY THE SEEMINGLY “OBVIOUS” THINGS RE: BUTTON IN PHOTO EDIT AND MEMORIZING FOOTWORK DRILL NAMES. YOU STOPPED AT 7TH ONE AND FAILED TO ACCOUNT FOR IT BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN TOLD YOU IMPLICITLY IN THE MOMENT THAT IT HAD A SORT OF RECOGNITION, BUT THAT RECOGNITION DIDN’T STORE ITSELF. IT WAS JUST RECOGNITION. IT WASN’T LINKED TO ANYTHING IN YOUR BRAIN. YOU NEED TO LINK IT. PERHAPS, YOU ALSO STOPPED TRYING TO MEMORIZE THE VIDEO’S CONTENT WHEN YOU REACHED IT BY THAT POINT.** </aside>