# 26, Wednesday ### MMM TIPS **At the cross I bow my knee [arrow to the knee], where your love was shed for me [sloughing off personal space skin rick and morty], there’s no greater love than this [<3]. You have overcome the grave [hamlet and ophelia]. Your glory fills the highest place [dome structure percy jackson or demons and angels - watch movies]. What can separate me now [solomon conundrum - cut baby in half]? You tore the veil, you made a way, when you said that it is done [house of leaves/”house of rustling leaves” japanese rustic(?) themed house with title ni rich opthalmologist guy from church way back - ally and alexa and dude prom photos].** = Could be either a “library in a library” thingamajig to hide boxes in, layered memory, or a tiny memory stick = effect maybe, really interesting dreams? yellow things to further put information in—>you might not remember where you put the memory of a lot of the erotic things that happened to you which also caused you pain: ``` 1a. (scene in church reminded me of rhodes/kwe and “copywriter” job and 1b “i really want a boyfriend” journ entry and vince gamolo’s comment on ate che picture somewhere in 2012?) —> 2a (song of songs copyphrase in my “The Raids” (”fat doves”) and 2b (my pick me ass self in 2018 asking my sister if i resembled mocha uson bc i saw a pic of myself in china/singapore that sort of faintly looks like her). tbh idk where i got this (fat doves) or if it even is in song of songs (seems like something he would say about his lover). anyway, school shooter spooky twitter tweet from sir falgui (about my raids and military footage, maybe i just thought… spooky) and mocha uson kinda looking like me? really? um. ——> 3a (car “malikmata” and stanley-sir falgui amalgam with blue polo on feb 14 2020), and 2b (april 12 conundrum will i give this chance up or do i give in?) couldn’t tell whether that was really stanley or some other guy who looked like him in the booksale in UP I went to (felt like he was “testing” me again like on April 12 “approach him or not”—> 4a (plane ride cut in half (crashed actually but just pretend) like in messiah tv series with unreliable child narrator) + the 4b (woman character who had sex/fornication with that guy and she had to really consider things through in her car b4 going to him (they’d been drinking in a bar)) —> on the theme of sexual ethics 5a (AMoP scene jiggy and donna). and 5b (“you smell so good” equivalent link with jesus incarnate character in messiah series) 6a deleted twitter with my rants about my mom and 6b seemingly kirsten’s “response” about her dad oh gosh i wish i didn’t delete that twitter. i have about 4 weeks left before i - [ ] confront what happened in evernote part 1. - [ ] —>**Obsidian** software help with hyperlinking all your memories together just to get a “snapshot” but really I’d prefer it lives in my head like a dynamic creature. I feel like the second brain concept is just like an assistant for things you can’t currently achieve like a bookmarking or tracker assistant. I don’t think any particular system has an intuition with synesthesia feature yet or i haven’t really delved too deeply into those ‘second brain videos on notion’ YT videos i bookmarked somewhere So this particular lyric “what can separate me now” holds 10 items (a definite number or limit you will impose depending on logic of the phrase), if odd number, it might be a multiple of the principle/logic of the phrase, you can kinda estimate it. That’s just one phrase in the song. Imagine what else? Maybe you can do this with poetry you created. I don’t know but I am always copying somebody else’s poetry. I don’t like structures especially when I was younger. I tried to do a villanelle with “The Raids” because I liked the Disaster (”write it!”) poem from Prof. Audrey. More tips: 1. **CLEAR KEYWORD LINKAGES FOR EASY FILING LIKE COLORS YOU CAN JUST “AUTOMATIC”** try to really exercise this ability to make it faster. Tradeoff between ‘what future self’s interiority is’ (maybe ought to kinda predict what you might generally be interested in - breadth of concept gists but not really depth) and ‘general patterns throughout life’ CHILDHOOD. YOU NEVER FORGET CHILDHOOD HAPPINESS. “To teach and to please.” ``` -the number principle: there are 2 memories per “layer” or phrase because the logic of the song lyric “what can separate me now” is pointing towards the number 2 (at least in my head)—>separation from God and “cut baby in half” conundrum and wisdom of solomon. 2 people united into 1 when they become man and wife. Separation permitted if adultery. I wonder why abuse wasn’t. Or maybe that’s too self-explanatory. like why would you even question it. women weren’t allowed to leave their husbands because they would really have to end up on the streets if they were not provided for. the “women as property” sort of. -all “conundrums” about ethics and/or character studies about … [thing or theme] put into that song phrase box “what can separate me now” -improvising right now, maybe might be useful later. for developing. -consider: how would you know when the “layers” stop? it should naturally be reviewed and tested bc memory is not foolproof **-also, consider that you should organize your “magnetic memory method” associations. to be so self-explanatory to you that you would not need to say to yourself in the future, “how did i go from A to B?” you would not have to trace your mental patterns because it’s just obvious to you. like with your letter-number synesthesia and website passwords. actually you wouldn’t even need to memorize anything “rote” anymore. the process of “slotting in” a memory or tagging it somewhere would be so effortless (i hope, because right now i have to think for a bit, and even then, i think the connections are not that strong).** -i am just really oddly motivated by hermione’s purse with books in it in harry potter the deathly hallows part 1 or 2(?) - [ ] **-memory layers research more based on effective mind mapping techniques** -i think having all these memories being unconsciously separate in my head just makes for chaos and disorganization. i want to program myself and my mind to be organized. like for example, the defamiliarization with the student getting pregnant by sir falgui had eloisa orosco from shekinah as “me.” upon further thinking on my part, i figured out some possible things in my brain “codified” unconsciously. audrey mirasol has a thing where she doesn’t smile with teeth? saw her in pics once or twice with teeth. i thought, hm, maybe she doesn’t like her teeth? didn’t she have braces? i may have thought about “rat teeth” at some point. though i could be wrong. eloisa orosco has rat teeth or sort of. smallish teeth (good for oral lol). i think i heard that phrase from her. turns out her first name is frances according to fb memory of the day from x years ago set. weird. -ok. i really have a staring problem. i remember staring at kirsten’s dad a little too long in their house. and then when ate che said something about cheating or kuya mark or something related to that that was supposed to be funny in a choir practice session, i couldn’t tell whether i was supposed to laugh or be silent. so i laughed. because i was guilty or i didn’t want to raise suspicion that i had a thing for her former boy band player(? drum set in their house) dad. ate adeline said “hala, nikatawa si abby” and i was embarrassed and omg “damned if you do damned if you don’t”. ate che i felt suspected something??? paranoia. or not. it was unusual for me to laugh and react that way because i was always sleepy in church choir practice. i think i was 13-14? i remember kirsten and ate che with some church members at mcdo ketkai branch. kirsten looked at my phone because she borrowed it. i think she found only my “side business” ideas about 3d model lol. maybe they were going to investigate something about possible kabit suspicions and/or interactions. kuya mark was just in the driver seat of their car outside mcdo. ok i am 90% sure. i remember feeling really uncomfortable in my pink april 12 shirt.? was it actually that shirt? or was it a different shirt? maybe i was 16 already. i actually don’t know if family would be amenable to buying uniqlo shirt at that point or if uniqlo already existed in cdo in 2014 or 2015. maybe it was 2017 or 2016 with sabby days and me trying to impress him with 3d donuts supposed to be for my mom. i was literally in shithole (sorry) kamia somewhere in july 2016 or 2017 messing with blender 3d software. why did i feel so young in that? for a moment in recalling it, anyway. they probably had heated fights. one side trying to confirm something and the other absolutely denying anything. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -i am really upset about the “the universe has sucked the happiness out of my life and gave it to my sister re: magtalas-rhodes book” sometimes. i remember in bubble tea the picture my mom took with me and my sister. my sister looked…really weird in high school. i can say she looked really bad then because somebody called her smeagol wtf and now look at the difference. i look better with braces because alizeiah told me once i am “angayan with braces.” my sister’s braces, on the other hand, really fixed her underbite. i have a fascination with mewing and orthotropics(?) because i really think i would have made for a really good aesthetician. my face was significantly better or i was in my “prime” at age 16 or so. **= You remember Christian songs really well. Childhood sponge privilege. Children have worlds of space.** **= literally so effortless because of all those shining hour chapel hour thursdays.** **= containers or hangers or boxes or rick and morty logic or interdimensional “channels?” movie playing in background. music playing in background of memory. theme or “feel” of a scene which colors the palace. people doing activity. scenes in movies.** **= list all the songs you remember from childhood. especially christian songs.** - [ ] **SPONGEBOB EPISODES** **= wow i didn’t know i could memorize code specific to me even tho it’s seemingly misdirection 6-25 @#theory(realm(place.opp.motiva(emoji of gambling machine))) - granted that code took a bit of time to think of at the start and it’s really only a signifier for an aphorism or truism about my situation.** — brownout last night made me feel really scared. i was just consciously remembering God’s love. Fought my horror tropes mind. Was able to calmly walk to my table and find my phone. — weird thought - scary - remember it. like in movies, they, like in porn, have set the scene so well. jumpscares. well-designed and placed music makes you jumpy. artificial adrenaline pump. manufactured. real life is quite different. i feel really oddly sure that this is what hell is like. you just wake up one moment and the ‘oh my GOLLY there was a playful(?) child ghost you didn’t notice’ understated goosebumps unnerving feeling. something’s not right. this is from a movie i’m forgetting right now. i feel like i felt like this in some fearful ‘rat on my bed’ but slow realization way during December 2018. Slow dread. You realize your life has a pattern. Your mind is awakened. “THEY KNOW EVERYTHING” as in people especially those people who will inflict not only physical but emotional pain as well, and who are “above” you, will just know everything and comprehend things not even the most well-developed think tank on earth can possibly achieve. They are also suffering as they cause you to suffer. You will be so helpless that you will be hopeful —> turns out your fantasy will be shredded. You will be allowed to feel powerful for a moment, then have it all taken away over and over. I wonder how this is supposed to be. You will not be allowed to go insane in hell even as you relive ‘what it must be like’. The reality of your situation will always be there. You lost God. Your chance at True Love. - [ ] Reread Hell Is the Absence of God and The Story of Your Life and Others by Ted Chiang. - [ ] Important Rick and Morty episodes from first season? Evil Morty? — So I think me with ahrtworks was a way to vaccinate myself against —— pain… = just reread LMBT essay Gatmaitan — So I think Francis is the saint I immediately think of because of St. Francis Square near SM the first branch. I think that mall was never built. I had so many memories of SM especially the ferris wheel and bumblebee ride. Toy Kingdom. Gingersnaps clothing store I only dreamed about. ## Intentions: 1. Do you understand evil in an AP sense lol. Read Biblical sense vs. philosophy sense. Told Frank once I barely understand evil. I only said so not because I am trying to be modest despite what I may have “produced” that other people might think is “brilliant,” but because I always am lulled. I forget sometimes what this evil is doing. The lull before the storm. Anxiety over evil. Maybe I forget a lot of the concepts I “learned” esp. just in January of this year. Are you kidding me?????????? I produce —> does not automatically mean it gets carried over to future self —> start over again months later —> so useless if I don’t have a mind palace to simplify things for me. The longevity of memory is interesting. My memory (esp. long-term) is very shit. - [ ] Read [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decay_theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decay_theory) - ebbinghaus 1. Well at least read your past work once in a while to reaffirm you are not… incapable. 2. **How would your knowledge compound in some way if you always start over????????????** - [ ] Reread library story the one in reading list from small specfic magazine ## Happenings: Napped 4-5 hours in the afternoon after sleeping 1 hour only before i woke up for breakfast church. Woke up feeling like I’d been “pressed by God” emoji in Daylio lol. My period is coming I can feel it. <aside> 🔑 **ENERGY MANAGEMENT AS WELL AS TIME MANAGEMENT. YOU ARE VERY POOR IN BOTH. YOU ARE NOT “UNLIMITED RESOURCES.” Expectations vs. reality of TickTick tasks.** </aside> ## Grateful For: 1. Being able to persevere despite limitations