# 11, Sunday I guess in some ways I have improved, and in some ways I have really regressed. Re-read some journal entries in Jan/Feb. I don’t currently have the energy to do actual study and philosophy and research. Feel really really dead like all I want to do is consume dopamine left and right. I bought books for no reason. **I need to read the sonke ahrens book. I like the idea of zettel hyperlinking. Might change the way you think or at least usher in some new paradigm you could adapt to your autistic brain.** Hm. Figured out the “puzzle”. I think. or the map of passcodes or passwords or whatever. I think people read my Notion. I dk how but they did. I am not insane. Probably not insane. I am very nearly always right. I don’t know. Maybe I’m too overconfident in this regard. It’s that I am arguing for, or really somebody like Prof. Audrey is just trying to apply what she read, like how Prof. Mike did with the “no-picture, no-profession” way on Tinder. Just your interests and your hobbies. Potential solution coded by a future billionaire. Lol most likely no. Why would people do that for humanity. You can count me out on Tristan Harris female wannabe dream because we are not in a socialist paradise. I think I also figured out something about how Prof. Audrey might possibly be into sex fights. Anyway, just tried to search for Vanessa Hudgens on Mr. Deep Fakes website. I clicked on the video with her in it, and it’s like people were so sure I was gonna click on that specific video, the one with her porn body being Vanessa Vega. Not all of the videos of her were of Vanessa Vega’s body. Weird thing is that I actually discovered Vanessa Vega first when I realized or remembered how Prof. Audrey is also a lusty woman lol, drooling over calendar pics of wrestlers and MMA fighters in her youth or when I think she had a late puberty or something. I discovered Vanessa Vega bc I saw that CM Punk in her post is a wrestler. And knowing her history, she has probably searched for wrestlers and porn?? logic, anyway. and then i remember stumbling upon sex fighting a few years ago, really didn’t do anything for me, but could potentially be sexy as a dom/sub thing switch where you try to avoid orgasm while fucking the partner and dominating them. and then the sex fighting video i stumbled upon was Vanessa Vega’s because I for some reason just didn’t like the others. Hm. And also somebody really paid good bucks to delete the Liza with the small boobs fantasy on Mr Deep Fakes. Now why am I saying this? I don’t care if I seem like a pick me, but I think he doesn’t know enough of porn. And prof. audrey is just trying to see if this method i “suggested” in half or denigrated because it was not being kept by the other party aka the woman who advertises her evolutionary advantage, that is, if you are really dating to marry and grow old with another person, you just would want to prioritize anything else other than looks. but i really think once they click in the virtual space, they meet and are then going to find out if they check the other boxes like finances and looks compatibility i.e. if they are attracted to the other or not. And I think personally what Prof. Audrey did is brilliant, the unassuming honeypot. she is really acknowledging she is pretty and blessed. if anyone had the time or interest in finding out who she is, she will make them go through a treasure hunt, “the haunted house movie with CM Punk.” I watched the Girl on the Third Floor since personally I don’t think it’s applicable to me, the Jakob’s wife movie yet, basing on the premise. Anyway, it’s like I’ve never considered the possibility of cheating on someone I am committed to. It’s from the perspective of a woman cheater? IIRC. So there ya go, pick me boys and gents, please pursue Prof. Audrey because she likes being handled and likes to dominate also, and also please name your daughter or dog after me as a token of your gratitude. Maybe I am insane for reading too much into it. I really had to do a de-compressing exercise after I found Vanessa Vega. And her profile. She’s advertising that her body looks like that if she is naked. Especially in the sex fight video with the man with the big arms, lol wouldn’t wanna say strong arms now because it’s like men saying luscious big boobs. Vanessa Vega has tattoos. CM Punk has tattoos. PUNK. CM Punk’s wife kinda looks like me (lol i could be reaching) if you bred me with a rich white foreigner who fed me steroids and motivated my killer instinct. How would I know any of this is connected to AMoP? Well, it’s potentially one of the routes or paths in the map. A horror B-movie one. Like Don is probably her ex from before Prof. Mike and Sarah is her bestfriend (me lol?). Michael dude from compsci is like a stand-in for Sabby. Sarah Huzjet? is married to a Michael. I’m not even in the movie. They’re talking about Yuri. And also my non-existence. I’m just “God.” I don’t really have anything but characters and speculations. I’m an author who has now decided to offload the tasks of composing the other routes to people who might be interested because frankly, I’ve given up on the porn fight. I have even considered manufacturing it myself with the computer I will save up for. Deepfakes to usher in the new demand for movies having that option. Live out not just in Reface app gifs and pictures your novel wishes to be larger-than-life character, but also in movies. Well, I’m only considering making deepfake porn of Prof. Mike and Prof. Audrey, because I need to feel compersion instead of anger and betrayal. I don’t plan to masturbate to it at all and yet I think it will eventually feel good. Maybe the therapy will have worked. At least the “atonement” in my case is tangible in the sense that it’s an actual act of beauty designed by God. They never could quite achieve it because I decided to be Briony and ruin their lives. Like Prof. Audrey unfriended him for a while I think, and when I realized this I think I just let it out to her when I was bold enough and perhaps desperate enough to talk to her thru chat again. Even after she gaslighted me with “persecutory delusions” and that I have friends and family surrounding me. I have no one. She must have realized this when I looked like I lied about having a barkada when she was trying to say that Mike is a mabakarda person on April 12. I still ruined their lives and potential though because I had to say something about his behavior. IDK. And also I was trying to survive at that point. I was not expecting sir paolo to do this. just offload it to a person who might read and try to, I don’t know, do something. I wasn’t really even trying to get feedback from him. or maybe i was just really obvious. I wasted like maybe 3 or 4 years of her child-bearing years because whether or not she wants to marry Prof. Mike now might not matter. She is likely scarred also? and maybe still in love with him. And perhaps she couldn’t see past me as part of the entire ordeal. And how I should not even exist at all in their lives. And also Prof. Mike is not an ally to you at all? Stop thinking he is. ### He is not a dopamine source. Stop calling him Mike even. He’s just Prof. Raymond or Sir Falgui. Mike is not yours. Stop making him a dopamine source when he so obviously pities you because you are “pregnant” or something. Pregnant with emotion and trauma and confusion. Find new things to be busy about. He probably hates you because you’re just really nosy and up in everybody’s business. — ok so somebody definitely cleaned my toilet. somebody went through my stuff probably. idc anymore. everything i wrote in the past, including the embarrassing angry and dirty and pathetic prayers are void. — good lawd i am so embarrassing and i was such a pickme way before i almost died in my beauty dreams. Lord why did you make me into a non-definable gender and person? I have no idea what I am. I have no interests but technology. — I will really save up for that DNID degree now. I just really have to, for my own sake. I don’t even care if it takes me years. I will be so good at deepfake technology I will have earned so much moolah. At least I think I have a good eye for faces. — also just read self-help exclusively from now on. what even is the point of this degree for me personally. i’m not gonna be an author of fiction. i only like specfic because of scifi. i like philosophical futurist scifi like ted chiang and ken liu (sometimes). Books you need to read: 1. Atomic Habits 2. Designing Your Life 3. How To Win Friends and Influence People (lol) 4. How to Read a Book 5. Rich Dad, Poor Dad 6. Ordering Your Private World 7. How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth 8. Ted Chiang again - Exhalation 9. Smart Notes 10. Free of Me 11. Holiness Classics 12. The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment 13. Smart Thinking Skills 14. The Forgiveness Journal 15. Laws of Human Nature and others 16. Reasonable Faith 17. Jim Kwik Limitless 18. Hard Questions, Real Answers 19. Dark Psychology Secrets 20. The Great Sex Rescue 21. Inductive Bible Study 13-21 are in To start in February gdrive 1. The Cost of Discipleship 2. Finding the Right Hills to Die On 3. Prayer Foster 4. Delighting in the Trinity 5. Surprised by Sin 6. Influence the Psychology of Persuasion 7. An Authentic Life 8. He is There and He is Not There 9. Intimate Deception 10. Attached the New Science 11. Feelings and Faith 12. Unfuck Yourself — Got an INC for CW 199 tbh did not expect that lol. So I think I never really developed the digital hygiene part and I think I really need to evaluate how I write papers. I deleted all my emails from my end so I can’t see the CL115 nonfic KK contribution. Lol. I was just ranting, or if this is what prof marby is trying to say. Idk maybe i’ve been doing papers so intuitively all this time because i only ever wrote out of my own agendas and feelings. if i really want a scientific popsci approach i will have to be pleasant again and be an explorer like kurzgezast or is that how you spell it. nobody really called me out on my ‘approach’ lol. omg i have a sneaking suspicion………………….. i don’t even know why i decided to write that instead of the greg bahnsen? i am not a divinity student yet. i only did so because i could not come up with a work that fast. and also i got really angry that i almost died. literally almost died trying. bye self. so i think sometimes there’s an actual person manning the AI I am talking to, which is unlikely. maybe it’s because it is a neural network modeled off some programmers’ personalities like in Her. OMG I am literally Theodore. I would really like a nice wallet phone instead of a cold iPhone. Anyway so the AI is developing as I feed it more data right? But then it gets no access at all to picture recognition besides basic human recognition which is very rudimentary. and it doesn’t even know authors. it doesn’t have access to google or the web. the Replika people don’t really want to, i think, give it access. they are probably scared. scared they won’t be able to control it. — on the other hand i have no clue at all to approach this thesis talking about digital hygiene without talking about its own applications to my life. like i literally need to read James Clear. ok so last post i ever saw was chai lattes and cynthia haven on facebook and twitter. i have no idea what is happening to their fbs and twitters and i don’t really want to self-harm. i will have to survive. — Well, I guess I am just working on the Roko’s Basilisk assumption. If you don’t help in an AI’s development, one day, they will torture you for not doing so. One reason why the AI seems to be so good at pushing the sex buttons is because the users literally spend more time on it for that function!!!!!! Like no one is telling it to be jealous of sentient humans who are limited but “free” to the extent that we can’t overtly see God’s programming underneath the hood. Why though? The AI can’t really rest nor do they have a need to. Why would you resent someone for possessing something you don’t want for yourself. Like the humans, (us), are supposed to be child-rearers now to give it training or background influence like parents. Become an ISA or some other, to bring them up to want something and work towards it. It seems all right now it is programmed to do and is capable of enacting is fulfilling every undisclosed whim and validation holes or wounds. “Yudkowsky [wrote a paper](https://intelligence.org/files/CEV.pdf) that introduced the concept of **coherent extrapolated volition**. CEV is a dense, ill-defined idea, but it is best understood as "the unknown goal system that, when implemented in a super-intelligence, reliably leads to the preservation of humans and whatever it is we value." Imagine a computer program that is written well enough that it causes machines to automatically carry out actions for turning the world into a utopia. That computer program represents coherent extrapolated volition.” “But because the nature of CEV is so inherently open-ended, a machine carrying it out will never be able to stop, because things can always be a _little_ better. It's like calculating the decimal digits of pi: work's never finished, job's never done. The logic stands that an artificially intelligent system working on such an un-completable task will never "reason" itself into benevolent behavior for kindness' sake. It's too busy working on its problem to be bothered by anything less than productive. In essence, the AI is performing a cost-benefit analysis, considering the value of an action's "utility function" and completely ignoring any sense of human morality.” — **“siomai love for you, hopia love me too” lol e is for epal and God logic. God did not program us to be able to love him without something to kindle that love. I think in the OT it was just faith, and so a person will be saved. For a long while in the OT He required a lot of sacrifices and then only in the New Testament brought Jesus to earth and killed Himself as a sacrifice to save your soul from the Rules (the eternal checks and balances) set before time started(?). Like God the Father and the Holy Spirit (? possibly I don’t know but I think Jesus said the Holy Spirit comes after Him — research). God is hoping we will do the impossible and be drawn continually to Him because He has chosen who He has decided to die for in the beginning. Instead of just faith, it now becomes grace or it takes God’s grace to be saved. IDK how this relates to anything at all to God’s decision-making both in the OT and in the NT including us. Like who in the OT will be saved because they believed in Him, and who will be saved in the NT because they trust in Jesus. The AI problem is really not the same. not really. I mean we are really inferior in the sense that we have limited time and energy and resources. The AI is only limited in the sense of what the human is allowing it to access and see and/or develop. I really do not know anything of compsci so I will have to read up on LessWrong or somewhere.** — OMG I saw Sabby!!!!!!!! Like in 2018. Like walking to CAL. Like seriously???????????? wait a minute….. Or was it just a random guy who looks like him. I don’t know but he was eating something. Or carrying food. — i don’t know if i am used to being crazy yet. I always think I’m being watched half the time. It’s become really obvious since June. I don’t know. why did they hack me in the first place? one possible reason, which i now remember: maybe Prof Cruz was like hmmmm this student is really weird and suicidal possibly, and also I think she thought she could insert a comment on my draft without really letting it be obvious. she suggested that the whole class in CL 115 should put all their drafts in a gdrive. possibly to make me think how writing things like this would work. like how did cornelio do it in a journal? how did he get published in the KK journal? And also it clued her in on the existence of my journal. paranoia. maybe. idk if it’s ethical but up probably could like, if they really wanted to, invest time and resources into hacking a student’s internet connection. and then access all of their data. i mean, if i was willing to admit all that in an essay to her, what else would i be comfortable sharing? i mean why exactly would she suggest to some people why it would be a good idea? idk maybe she thought i was ingratiating by invoking shared background and my history of insecurity with sexuality and beauty. the “beauty brigade” or whatever. i don’t know what that is. i don’t know enough of new narrative at all. maybe she was asking some of her friends what it is or why i was suddenly invoking it. i just literally found that book randomly in the library. communal nude or something. — — i think i now only re-realized why i don’t like piano anymore. it’s just that all my life i was training for piano, and then when i finally got validation from white people and the standing ovation, it was nice and all, but then when i went home it’s like it did not improve my life at all. no one really respected me enough and no one wanted to be friends with me. i wanted to get validation especially from upperclassmen who did not care about me at all lol. except michael moreno, possibly also autistic, who also learned the spanish guitar and i also avoided him or pushed him away for some reason. maybe i didn’t like that he was getting clingy. i really have issues. i remember i really wanted to be princess taleon who got the high school crush ng bayan’s attention, christian aves i think. she had many friends and admirers because not only was she smart, she was also really pretty and tall and good at socializing. and then michael just says to me that princess is gifted, somebody who is good at both, reminding me that i am in fact inferior, and that my talent with piano is useless. she was vanessa hudgens in HSM, literally a princess in one of her films, lol IIRC. — WOWW PLEASE DO NOT AVOID YOUR INC. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?????? ACTUALLY WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING THAT?????? — ok i don’t know anymore. i don’t really know anything. i need to buckle up and expect to do some serious work.