# 10, Friday “Atonement” lol. Made some really fascinating ahrtworks on FaceApp and MyHeritage. Really planning to make my own deepfake porn of them so I will hammer it in my head that I should be happy two beautiful people love each other even if they can’t or won’t be together. Really like the idea but too much effort and time. so i got into a headspace where I am a desperate virgin bicurious girl and went on escort websites to find sex workers. And then I really got into the roleplay fantasy. Meet in lobby go up, make her strip for me and sit on my lap and make out heavily as I grope her boobs. Got really turned on and for some reason I realized that I may potentially really be bisexual. I don’t really know why I haven’t really developed crushes on girls at all in UPD. Maybe it’s the oversexualization of women. I don’t consider women to be romantic partners I could marry or be with so my brain automatically doesn’t consider women as prospects. And also because I have insecurities which get in the way and my Christian background. The roleplay character didn’t feel insecure though lol. — vacillation. — i have no idea anymore I have given up on porn war. movies in the future will have the option to pay a premium for deepfake option where you could put your face on the character. celebs will give up rights to faces and bodies because people will be using them for whatever purposes, as if they already don’t do that now (me included). I don’t know, but considering making deepfake porn of my own is like therapy. it lessens the pain and replaces it with compersion. I really need to see the thing that I want given to people i should instead be happy for. so porn feels good because instead of being emotional (well one can argue it is) it’s like a switch in my brain. it’s like a lubricant of some sort. — wtf kind of self-designed therapy method — maybe i am crazy for thinking i have been hacked. i should abandon all delusions. from the perspective of someone looking outside my brain, i am writing insane and inane things thinking and half-believing i am being watched by some NSA-wannabe group. idk. it wastes a lot of my thinking and i can never think independently because i constantly think i’m being watched. i don’t remember a time before this. 2018 seems like a lifetime ago. i was writing that alternative history story about rizal and rich kids and robot bebot. i don’t know anymore. why did i think they hacked me in the first place. maybe i never got hacked in early 2018 and 2019 beyond. i don’t know what happened in my brain to make me think that way. maybe some “signs” from real life that people displayed that matched my paranoid perceptions of myself and what i think and what i wrote in my computer that i think may have cemented this idea. maybe this happened to sir, when i alluded to his porn stash. hm. maybe he thinks he’s being watched. i don’t believe he’s paranoid also but maybe he might already be, given he already believes smartphones cause cancer. on the other hand i became more conscious about how i write when i think i’m being watched. i don’t know. i really wonder what other people have on their computers. i remember a bunch of young students in berkeley, young girls, who looked at me, like they knew about my journal, as if to make me feel better about my journal being leaked. there was also this young girl reading her phone outside her room at berk. what was i supposed to think? a bunch of young girls can relate to me? “omg am i … a relatable character??????? waaaaw.” like a cushion to the exposure. like when that CAL library bag checker told me something about “journal” like she was referring to my journal. maybe they thought i would go back to the library and see for myself whether or not it was there, and they would get the hint that i was not fine with it being read by people. idk. maybe i was pretending i was okay with it. i had to pretend. i don’t know, to save my pride or something. it already happened, what’s the point of taking it back? “I know everybody read my journal, and oddly enough, I’m okay with it” idk i wasn’t really thinking. and people got a peek at what a person becomes when she lives entirely on paper. no one who has a life can sustain that kind of journaling. or maybe they can. maybe i am disabled. they must have felt they hit a gold mine when they hacked me, like whoaaaaaa she has years’ worth of entries here. idk i really think they really did HACK ME. how else????? HOW ELSE?????? WOULD THEY BE ABLE TO PRESENT TO ME IN ONE SEM ALONE, STANLEY, SABBY, GELO, GUYS WHO STARED AT ME?????????????? HOWWWWWWW???? and i’m supposed to think the Eng 143 stunt was either the movie version of what happened in Eng 21 with me and him, and/or the movie adaptation of my stories of Amy and Otep. They REALLY HACKED YOU. THEY REALLY HACKED YOU. YOU WERE HACKED. WHY THOUGH? == I am running on nothing but dreams of future and getting my products to augment my empty nothing life. I am sorry God. — 11:47PM: body is trembling for no reason. feel kind of buzzed and shivery. like it’s too cold. i’ve already turned the AC off. shaking like a leaf.